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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I fix this? Do I want to?

90 replies

ivmessedup · 01/02/2012 14:42

I've messed up. I recently, stupidly told my DP about an affair I had many years before we met with a work colleague. He knows the guy and it's been hell since. He wants to know why and analyses every single response I give. He says our relationship is based on a lie - on the person he thinks I was and now knows I'm not. Nothing I say makes any difference. Is it just me, or is he making a meal of this? (haven't said that of course - lol)Had to sit through an interrogation last night, told I was a slut and a liar etc etc. He sets traps for me, trying to trip me up - then - Aha! I knew you were lying about that - sort of thing. Help!

OP posts:

pollyblue · 01/02/2012 21:01

"engage and survive, withdraw and we are finished"!

Good God, he sounds like a really bad imitation of Ross Kemp.

OP, I hope your "chat" went ok, and I hope you've put him politely but firmly in his place. And his place isn't in your life several years before you met him.

Original poster

ivmessedup · 01/02/2012 23:28

dear all, he came home and "chat" started well enough. However, soon descended into veiled abuse. Luckily had reserves from all your kind and supportive messages,and also spoke to a relate counsellor today who was really helpful and supportive, so didn't dissolve into mush as usually do. Think he was quite surprised, but then asked when I was leaving - as of if i would have it arranged already! (no doubt thought that would be a problem that stupid me hadn't thought of) never mind, by the weekend i should be sorted :-)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 23:33

I expect he was very surprised

Well done you for standing up to him

Wafflepuss · 01/02/2012 23:34

Good for you, get out of there as quick as you ca. Engage and survive?? What a colossal twat.

WhereAreTheCakes · 01/02/2012 23:57

Well done. You've done the right thing.

I suspect he thinks you won't go through with it.

jbuckley · 02/02/2012 00:06

I went through something similar - the story you tell of his bullying rings such a bell. Weakly I let it go on for too long and it got progressively worse - physical violence! Like you, nothing I said could placate him. In fact trying to placate him just made things worse - my story is different in that I had actually cheated on him - so out of guilt I took a lot of the verbal abuse. With your man, it is obvious that jealousy and insecurity has been sitting dormant inside him. Discovering that you cheated on your husband has triggered the idea that you will cheat on him - very basic thinking.

Whatever your reasons for cheating at the time, your new man is not interested in giving you the benefit of the doubt or having the balanced view that you might regret your infidelity and would never do it again.

If the relationship has been a good one up until now and you would be prepared to give it another go as long as he changes his attitude, then you have to grow a pair of balls and leave at the weekend. Let him know you won't be treated like this and you are prepared to walk out of his life. He may very well talk you out of leaving before the weekend, promising he will change - I'm not sure that he can do that right now and he will say anything to make you stay. Please walk but maybe keep lines of communication open if you think the relationship could work out once he's worked on his issues.

izzyizin · 02/02/2012 00:29

maybe keep lines of communication open if you think the relationship could work out once he's worked on his issues WTactualF, jb??

The minute the OP closes the door behind her for the final time, is optimum time for her to she detonate the bomb that will destroy all lines of communication with this twunt forever.

Worked on his issues? He's worked on them alright - he's got them down to a fine art and, from the way the OP's described his reaction, this isn't the first time that his terms of engagement have been met by his victim opponent withdrawing.

You may have thought you'd messed up when you posted here 10 hours ago, honey, but you've sorted it and done yourself proud in the process.

Well done YOU!!!

izzyizin · 02/02/2012 00:31

aw jeez, tired finger syndrome strikes again

should read 'is the optimum time for her to detonate the bomb that... etc'

jbuckley · 02/02/2012 00:39

Izzyizin, I did say ''if the relationship until now has been a good one''. Messed up hasn't given much background to how good/bad this relationship has been. The guy may have some serious issues from his past about infidelity but no where in Messed Up's past does she say he has reacted like this in past relationships.

It's all very well telling Messed Up to not have any contact with him, but this man will go on to meet another woman/women and inflict his particular brand of aggression on them if his issues are not dealt with now. Those future women could be me, you, your friend, your sister.

izzyizin · 02/02/2012 02:20

Highly unlikely that I'm gonna figure in his future, jb, but if he does he may find that he doesn't have one

But what are you saying? That the OP should roll over in the cause of saving some other unfortunate woman from being his victim in the hope that she can encourage him to work on his issues?

Bolleux to that; when it comes to twunts like him it has to be every woman for herself as there's far too many rolling over for his ilk already.

There is only only one way to deal with a jealous man who comes up with "engage and survive, withdraw and we are finished" after making his dp's life a living hell, and that is to withdraw and survive and let him engage with his issues on his lonesome.

izzyizin · 02/02/2012 02:25

the Brigade of Guards still remains triumphantly unshagged

I'm game if you are, Annie

Have a and we'll go wipe those triumphant looks off their faces.

jbuckley · 02/02/2012 02:41

Izzy, I'm not saying she should roll over at all and yes she does have to put herself first. I've said she should walk this weekend and show him she won't put up with his rubbish. Only the OP can decide if there's enough redeeming qualities in this guy to see if, in the future he is willing to address his issues.

I suspect when he realises she's on her way out the door the attitude will change and he will try to win her round - and she may be very tempted to believe what he has to say. Especially if up until now their relationship has been a good one. If that happens I can almost guarantee he will not change.

Diggs · 02/02/2012 10:52

Is this a wind up ??????
It doesnt matter if its been good in the past , its not good now .
It doesnt matter if hes got serious issues , thats not her problem .
It doesnt matter if hes acted like this in previous relationships , hes acting like this with her and she doesnt need to accept it .

Messed up doesnt have to stay with him , or work through his issues , to save other women from his abuse , he abuses because he chooses to and its not her job to save him , educate him , or to be a martyr to his rotton treatment .

Messed up has a right not be abused by anyone , if a colleauge called her a slut and a liar they would likeley be sacked . She is protected from abuse by the law and her basic rights . She would not be expected to tolerate being verbally abused or interrogated by ANYONE else .

Im wondering J , whether you would say the same if this was her neighbour treating her like this ? Or is it because hes her partner he is afforded these special rights in your eyes ?

jbuckley · 02/02/2012 17:31

Diggs, please read my posts thoroughly. No where have I suggested she ''stay with him or work through his issues.''

I have recommended she leave this weekend. If she feels that the rest of the relationship has been good apart from his recent behaviour, it is up to her whether to keep lines of communication open while HE WORKS THROUGH HIS ISSUES.

She may look back on the rest of the relationship and see red flags that were there early on but she chose to ignore. Therefore considering a reconciliation will not be an option.

Please read and take in what I am saying and please don't put words in my mouth.

The neighbour comparison is ridiculous - a relationship with a loved one whether partner, parent or sibling will always be viewed differently because of the deep feelings and history involved.

Would a colleage likely be sacked for calling her a slut and a liar? Of course not. They would likely face a disciplinary and receive a warning with the opportunity to attend some kind of anger management.

Diggs · 02/02/2012 19:47

The neighbour comparison is ridiculous - a relationship with a loved one whether partner, parent or sibling will always be viewed differently because of the deep feelings and history involved.

No , its not ridiculous at all , although i do accept it is veiwed differantly as intimate relationships are littered with the idea of male priveledge . I would not expect any woman to tolerate behaviour from a partner that she would not tolerate from a work colleauge or a neighbour or anyone else . Sureley we should treat our partners ( and they us ) with the same decency and respect in which we would treat anyone else ?

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