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Relationships

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Original poster

DH is expecting us to live seperately in the future

125 replies

soshockedandhurt · 01/02/2012 14:36

I thought we were pretty happy. We have 3 DCs between 4 and 10.

We've been discussing moving for ages and considering moving the 'family home' to somewhere far from DH's work and he'd then do a weekly commute. So far we've decided against it as DH wants to see the DCs more than that (he also sacrificed career progression so he could be around more - if he went 'hardcore' and worked for a big hitter in the industry he could double his salary but at the cost of family life).

At the moment I am a SAHM and DH takes the DCs to school every morning and is home for dinner almost every evening, and is the 'main' parent on the weekends.

But it's on the table for when they're all in secondary school for example, which is the 'natural' time to make such a move as DC1 could do A-levels in the new location as the younger ones started secondary.

So every now and again I'll look on property sites for what's available in the areas we're vaguely considering as longterm prospects and send DH the links - "wow look at this place", sort of thing.

For example we're considering Holmfirth and St Ives with DH's work in London.

Last night we'd been watching some property programme where they ended up in the middle of nowhere, and I said how beautiful it would be but what a nightmare to get back to from London, and DH basically said that he sees that move as a step on the path to seperating, and he's expecting us to have totally seperate households by the time the DCs leave school, and "all we have in common is the DCs" and basically he sees our longterm future as being apart.

I am reeling. How can he have this planned now?! We are a young family!

He sort of made it sound like this plan is all that's getting him through the day, and that he doesn't want to be with me (but he does want to be with the DCs), and is biding his time! Like posts I sometimes see on here where the woman is playing the 'long game'!

He doesn't want to seperate now, he was horrified when I asked that.

What the?!

OP posts:

mojitomania · 01/02/2012 14:44

Blimey OP! What an arse, poor you.

Don't know what to suggest only that how dare he think he has this much control over your lives.

I'd start looking into a life apart now to be honest.

wannaBe · 01/02/2012 14:44

I would take the kids and leave.

I think that we probably all go through a phase of feeling we have nothing in common, but to be actively planning a separation at some point in the future that the other party knew nothing about is just horrible, and would be a deal-breaker for me.

How did you feel your relationship has been up till now?

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this, and tell him that you're not prepared to wait around just for the sake of the kids if this is how he really feels. I would personally (but it's your call) tell him that if he really feels like that then he should go now and not keep you hanging on like this, and that you deserve to be able to find someone who wants you for you, not just for the kids.

NotaDisneyMum · 01/02/2012 14:45

I'm not sure what to say - that sounds...um......slightly unusual, to say the least!

What is is own experience - what is the status of his parents marriage? Perhaps he is struggling to imagine a life "just the two of you" once the DC's have grown - do you talk about growing old together, at all?

I think it goes without saying that you need to talk about this more, but bear in mind that this isn't only his decision to make. If he is clear that he considers your marriage to be time-limited based on the DC's - then you don't have to accept it. You can decide that those terms are not acceptable to you.

igggi · 01/02/2012 14:45

Is he (possibly?) hurt that your long-term plans have included him being isolated during the week while you and the dcs live somewhere lovely in the countryside? I just mean if you've been talking that up a lot, he might have started to feel unwanted?

iloveberries · 01/02/2012 14:49

wow - this is strange.

but then i think having a 'main' parent at the weekend is strange.....

maybe your DH feels he's just the tool to afford you your dream life?

Original poster

soshockedandhurt · 01/02/2012 14:57

Living far away isn't my dream life, I would rather stay in London but we really can't afford it - we're saying rent-free in a property his mum owns atm. We are renting out the flat DH used to live in (and we lived in with DC1), the plan is he'd live there in the week.

The move would be for the DCs - schools, outdoor life, friends, more space, bigger house.

I thought we were good! I thought he adored me! things are 'unbalanced', he does the lion's share of the hands-on parenting especially on weekends while I am at home with the youngest usually. I have CFS and am tired a lot but I do participate in the less active things.

His parents... hmmm, his stepfather works at home and his mother works in London with a five-hour weekend commute - she spends alternate weeks there with stepfather and DH's much younger brother (teenage). It works for them and there's no suggestion they are intending to seperate in the future, which is why I suppose I thought it would work for us!

OP posts:

Original poster

soshockedandhurt · 01/02/2012 14:58

I would always rather we were all together but the older the DCs get the more useful the extra money would be, and I know DH would like to go 'hell for leather' on his career before too long, just to get things in place for later life. Which I always thought included me!

OP posts:

Ephiny · 01/02/2012 15:00

This all sounds very strange, I don't understand any of it.

What is your reasoning for wanting to move the family home somewhere far away from your DHs work? Are there no suitable homes available within a distance he could commute daily?

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/02/2012 15:02

How odd, he does sound detached from you (if not the DCs). How long has he been distant? Is he possessive of his phone and laptop?

ilovemydogandMrObama · 01/02/2012 15:02

is it possible that he was talking out loud about his concerns, namely that living apart is a step away from separation, and that's the way things are going at the moment?

His family seem to view the living apart thing as normal, and maybe he isn't really that enthusiastic about it?

Ephiny · 01/02/2012 15:04

Sorry, I cross-posted and you answered that already! I know it's expensive to live within commuter distance of London (we are in the same boat) but it's not impossible. Having a weekly commute seems a very drastic move.

I really don't know what to say, obviously this must have been an awful shock to you. Have you talked about it much since his 'revelation'? I agree that you absolutely have the choice of whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't see a future with you.

BikeRunSki · 01/02/2012 15:05

Take the kids.
Move to Holmfirth.
There are plenty of MN'ers around here to look after you.

Seriously though, who normally has "split up from wife" in their long term plans? sounds like his loves his DCs and you simply facilitate that by looking after them for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2012 15:06

You need to talk further about this as I think he is being deadly serious here.

DO you really want to move so far away from London as well; you would have to completely start again.

Also your children may find the process of uprooting very painful emotionally when they hit secondary school age and they may well not want to move away from their friends. Living in any urban or rural area after London may not appeal at all to them.

NotaDisneyMum · 01/02/2012 15:13

Maybe you need to sit down together and find out what each of you hold in the way of ambition and dreams; it's easy to lose that connection with the DC's demands taking precedence, and I know that CFS can put huge strain on a relationship, too.

It sounds like you have a dream of a particular life-style, for the DC's benefit - for which you are prepared to make sacrifices in terms of your relationship with your DH, and you think that he dreams of progress and success at work.

Try reconnecting, and finding out what you both want your future to look like - what is non-negotiable, and what you are prepared to sacrifice in order to live the life you want to

LaurieFairyCake · 01/02/2012 15:18

He does not adore you right now

if you are sure he's not with someone else and you are both prepared to work on your marriage then that work has to start now.

I'm so sorry for you - I hear that as a 'leaving the relationship' conversation.

Original poster

soshockedandhurt · 01/02/2012 15:21

We have family in yorkshire and cornwall and know the areas well, they're mostly on the table as we are pretty sure we'd like to live there. In my head, DH would do the weekly commute until youngest DC left school (so 7/8 years), and then dial right back and perhaps go self-employed or telecommute, as some of his colleagues do - but they are the ones who've put in the graft, which Dh has yet to do iyswim.

We've looked in the commuter belt but what we could afford isn't what we want for the DCs, or what the DCs want. DCs are desperate to go rural.

He lived apart from MIL, which is why he is so anti and wants to be very present for the DCs for their younger years.

from what he said it sounded like he was sort of here marking time, wanting to be with the DCs and not me. He thinks I couldn't cope with the DCs without him and he's probably right.

Am 100% he's not having an affair.

OP posts:

Agincourt · 01/02/2012 15:21

It sounds like you are both fed up with the hum drum of bringing up small children and struggling along. Could you not get some couples counselling?

Original poster

soshockedandhurt · 01/02/2012 15:23

I think he is serious!

The plan is, we move, I get a p/t job in education (can do), lovely schools for DCs, DH around on weekends and holidays. Then I thought DH would dial it back and we'd maybe move again on retirement depending on how the DCs were settled.

He is planning that when the DCs leave school we'll seperate. Not clear on whether we'll divorce or just live seperately. Just!

He doesn't adore me, clearly, no! Fuck.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 01/02/2012 15:27

Does DH want you to all love separately and him only coming home at weekends?

Hulababy · 01/02/2012 15:27

live not love

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2012 15:27

Either he wants to be with you long-term or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, he's being incredibly unfair by stringing you along as his live-in nanny until he's ready to split. You need to sit down and have a long talk, explain calmly how shocked and hurt you were by his comment, and make sure you both clearly set out your expectations for the relationship. If he really doesn't want you long-term, either get counselling or get rid of him.

toddlerama · 01/02/2012 15:29

I might sound hopelessly naive here, but is it possible you've misunderstood each other? Just that his shock at you mentioning separation now would suggest that he doesn't mean that he wants to separate at all, but that the properties you are looking suggest that it's what you want.

Personally, I don't think 'more space' would make up for your children losing their father mid week. What about changing the plan - stay in London, he goes 'hell for leather' but still sees them evenings (albeit late) and mornings. Then they see what Dad is doing for them, rather than just not seeing him and assuming he something better to do. I grew up with my dad doing the work away thing for a while as a teen and it was crap. When he was around on the weekend, I resented his input as 'interfering' . When he moved home with us and commuted, yes he was out of the house for long hours, but he was part of the family. Even if it was just that we could see he had been there rather than actually spending time together, it mattered. I realise as an adult, it cost him hugely to make that trip every day, but we are very close now and I don't think that would be the case if he hadn't done it.

toddlerama · 01/02/2012 15:31

Sorry, you've posted since I started writing that

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/02/2012 15:31

Why are you 100% sure he's not being unfaithful? If he is not, he may have an OW in mind. It is such an odd conversation to have - long term plans which exclude you, it shows how detached he is and usually its because their mind are being occupied elsewhere....

NotaDisneyMum · 01/02/2012 15:32

Hula - I wondered that, too. OP says that "in her head" the plan was to create a temporary "weekly commute" situation, but perhaps the OPs' DH doesn't want to do that ?

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