DH is expecting us to live seperately in the future

[soshockedandhurt]

I thought we were pretty happy. We have 3 DCs between 4 and 10.

We've been discussing moving for ages and considering moving the 'family home' to somewhere far from DH's work and he'd then do a weekly commute. So far we've decided against it as DH wants to see the DCs more than that (he also sacrificed career progression so he could be around more - if he went 'hardcore' and worked for a big hitter in the industry he could double his salary but at the cost of family life).

At the moment I am a SAHM and DH takes the DCs to school every morning and is home for dinner almost every evening, and is the 'main' parent on the weekends.

But it's on the table for when they're all in secondary school for example, which is the 'natural' time to make such a move as DC1 could do A-levels in the new location as the younger ones started secondary.

So every now and again I'll look on property sites for what's available in the areas we're vaguely considering as longterm prospects and send DH the links - "wow look at this place", sort of thing.

For example we're considering Holmfirth and St Ives with DH's work in London.

Last night we'd been watching some property programme where they ended up in the middle of nowhere, and I said how beautiful it would be but what a nightmare to get back to from London, and DH basically said that he sees that move as a step on the path to seperating, and he's expecting us to have totally seperate households by the time the DCs leave school, and "all we have in common is the DCs" and basically he sees our longterm future as being apart.

I am reeling. How can he have this planned now?! We are a young family!

He sort of made it sound like this plan is all that's getting him through the day, and that he doesn't want to be with me (but he does want to be with the DCs), and is biding his time! Like posts I sometimes see on here where the woman is playing the 'long game'!

He doesn't want to seperate now, he was horrified when I asked that.

What the?!

I'm surprised that someone who 'lives for family life' would be happy to live away from the family home during the week . I would have thought even a smaller house in or near London would be better than that, even if it means the children have to share rooms, you don't have a huge garden etc.

Why is he 'bemused'? Because you're upset about him casually mentioning that, by the way, your marriage will obviously be over as soon as the children leave home? Because you didn't realise that that would be the case?

I'm honestly not sure what to say here, it all sounds very strange and I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly. I do think marriage counselling might be a good idea, to help you sort out what's going on, how it's happened, and where you can go from here. Would he consider trying that?

I don't really understand this to be honest - he is happy as a sandboy now, but predicts that in future you'll separate? Are you sure that's what he means? If so, he must feel you are already drifting apart, otherwise he wouldn't be able to imagine it so easily. You need to talk to him about what is making him feel so negative about the future, as it must stem from the present. Then take it from there.

He sounds very detached, as if he is talking about someone else's life. Any chance he is ill?

Why would he want to seperate now? He has a nanny and housekeeper without the bills or 'guilt' of a seperated man. You deserve more and a chance of real happiness with someone who wants to be with YOU.

I can understand your shock. It's a bit odd really. My dh works away during the week but we plan for our future when We can spend more time together.

Your dh spends time with the dc but do you spend any time together? He appears to be planning to spend his future without you. I can't believe he thinks that this would not shock you!

You need to sit down and clarify what he really thinks. If he is just going thru the motions and planning his exit then you will need to consider your future.

Sorry you are going thru this.

I don't understand this either and echo the posters who say maybe he is voicing his concerns about living seperatly, that he sees it as if you lived apart during the week that this would lead to you seperating. Rather than it being something he wants in the future. You need to ask him outright.

Let me get this straight. He is using you as an unpaid nanny, housekeeper and companion/shag (I'm assuming you still have sex?) so he can experience family life, and then he wants to swan off into the sunset to find his Great Romance as a high earning single man, after tenderly enjoying a family life he "adores" (but not enough to actually be around much, mid-week, which is the grunt work - everyone knows weekends are quality time, that's why a resident parent always gets half of them)? And he sees this disgustingly exploitative, one-sided arrangement as somehow reasonable?

Fuck me, you're married to Charles Dickens.

Of course you could "cope as a single parent"; he'd be having the kids every other weekend all by his lonesome to give you a break, and you cope with them all week as it is. Plus if you split up now, chances are you wouldn't be a single parent that long. You're young enough to meet someone who would adore you as more than a walking womb, and his salary would help your own part-time one in terms of keeping you solvent.

Finally - forgive me, but no, you don't know for sure he isn't cheating on you. The number of women on Mumsnet certain their husbands are being truthful when saying they "just don't think we have anything in common" who later find out to the contrary is shocking. Even if there's no OW at the moment, he's checked out of the relationship already. Do you honestly imagine he feels under an obligation to be faithful? And do you not think that a man saying he intends to stay just while the kids are young is exactly the reverse side of what many men say to the mistress?

I'd insist on starting with Relate, and insist on a night out together just the two of you every single month, as an absolute minimum if he doesn't want you to file for a divorce. And forgive me, but I'd also start gathering evidence of assets, income, and ensuring all property is registered in joint names. Because this does not sound tenable, and things either have to improve or you need to start looking at a life without him. How the hell is his waiting for middle age to be alone fair on you, in any way whatsoever? His life isn't the one on hold, I'm sorry but I just don't buy that it is. Yours is, without his even having had the courtesy to tell you so.

I am so, so incredibly sorry. He needs to wake up and realise the grass sounds pretty damn verdant on the side of the fence he inhabits. A lot of people seem to have a sort of escape fantasy alternate universe for their lives, and neglect to appreciate the one they already have.

Bloody hell! Has he hit his head particularly hard recently...?

I sincerely hope you aren't entertaining any notion of keeping house for him until he sees fit to dump you after you've outlived your usefulness.

I'm gobsmacked

Squitten, after reading this I feel like offering to ensure he does suffer a severe blow to the head in the near future, if not. How frigging DARE he do this to someone - and the mother of his children, no less!

Anyone else noticing the usual trend of posts getting angrier and more extreme as posters work themselves into a righteous fury.

OP, have a talk together, get to the bottom of what he thinks, as that might not be the same thing as what he has said, or what you heard. Then take it from there.

I am getting the feeling that he already feels rather detached from you. Your plans seem to be around him commuting weekly to the smoke, while you potter about in the idyllic countryside doing a bit of part time work . Maybe he feels he's drawing the short straw.

The bottom line is: if he is happy and is living the sort Of life he wants in the marriage, he'll stay. If he feels he's getting a raw deal, he's more likely to feel there's not a lot to keep him. I am guessing he adores the kids and doesn't want to shake their world now, but that he doesn't feel his relationship with you is strong enough for him to want to stay long term.

Very upsetting and a shock for you. Y

Uuum, this is what happened to me. He moved, we lived in different places, within 6 months he had OW.

This is the plan (in their heads): I am stifled, I am bored, I am unhappy, I feel trapped, it's all the hideous troll's fault, I want NEW! New job, new house, new woman!!!!!

Then ALL his problems will be solved. You understand, he isn't leaving his children, he is just leaving you!

The big mistake I made? I went along with it (he wasn't as open as yours is being. But he told me afterwards 'I was wanting to get away from YOU [the source of all his problems, natch]). But what else can you do?

I came across something the other day: a drunk man's words, are a sober man's thoughts. Get him very, very drunk this w/e, do NOT drink yourself, and hear his thoughts.

And EVERYTHING perfectstorm says. The answer to you, PS?

Let me get this straight. He is using you as an unpaid nanny, housekeeper and companion/shag (I'm assuming you still have sex?) so he can experience family life, and then he wants to swan off into the sunset to find his Great Romance as a high earning single man, after tenderly enjoying a family life he "adores" (but not enough to actually be around much, mid-week, which is the grunt work - everyone knows weekends are quality time, that's why a resident parent always gets half of them)? And he sees this disgustingly exploitative, one-sided arrangement as somehow reasonable?

is yes.

He has to go OP. At least he has let it slip so you can move on now. bastard

DO NOT LIVE APART. Do not. Refuse.

Just hope you're OK. :)

No-one on this thread knows what lay behind your husband's comments.
I still think it's likely he meant this as a warning/fear of what would happen if you started living apart (it's not very reassuring if your DW is swooning over property porn on tv and clearly fine about just seeing you at the weekend!)
But I don't know your DH, he might have 50 mistresses for all I know.
So stop reading MN and talk to him.

The most shocking thing to me is that he dropped this bombshell and is pretending to be surprised you're upset.

That speaks volumes about him - and nothing good. Manipulative and cruel are the words that come to mind.

If he tries to pretend like there's always been this understanding remember that is called gaslighting.

I think I must be the only one who thinks the DH might be concerned that she is the one not committed

Constantly looking to move away and forwarding links to him and suggesting he will have an awful commute.

She obv expects him o continue working in London and become a weekend dad which he himself said he did not want and has
Already sacrificed career progression to achieve a good balance

So op sending him links that are crazy far away and seeming to push this on him might be slowly eating at his confidence and that she really doesn't want him around but hey HO he can find it all can't he

Op said this one was particularly far so he might have been thinking out loud 'that's one step away from separating' ie not being
Together with his family for most of the time

Sorry but I honestly think op might need to also take into consideration how he might be feeling by sending him all these links. I wouldn't be happy if DH was planning a dream move miles from my job with a
Plan for me to not be there most of the time but pay for it!

I would be
Livid and thinking he didn't really want to be with me!

I can actually understand your point Kayano - it seems that the op is basically saying she doesn't need her husband to be a part of her 'new dream life' other than to finance it and pop back for the weekend, which would basically be the same as if they were divorced.

I suspect, OP, that when you and your DH formulated your plan of splitting the week, you thought it was temporary and he thought it was the beginning of separation.

And tbf to your DH, it does sound as though you quite happily planned to live apart for the majority of time. Don't get me wrong I have done some weekending in my marriage but DH and I both recognised that it was bloody awful and temporary ie a six month stint.

And people suggesting gas lighting and abusive behaviour? I see a concerned husband who may feel
Pushed out of the family

We do like labels here IMO

I can actually understand your point Kayano - it seems that the op is basically saying she doesn't need her husband to be a part of her 'new dream life' other than to finance it and pop back for the weekend, which would basically be the same as if they were divorced.

That would be my take too. And he then mused on the likely outcome.

I think you need to have a proper heartfelt chat. Try and organise a babysitter so you can talk without the children interrupting every 2 minutes. It might be that he doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to hurt the DCs or it may be that he feels pushed out and used as a cash cow to pay for your dreams.

Fwiw my dad worked away from home (unavoidable with his job) and from a child's point of view it is shit. I missed my dad like crazy.

I'm with Kayano

It is all very well to live the rural dream but at what cost? If he is going to go 'hell for leather' then you may find he is exhausted at weekends or can't come back. You haven't exactly picked places that are handy for London either!

I would like to live out of London but if we did that we would never see DH. That would be no good for any of us.

It sounds to me that he was testing boundaries here to see where you stand as he probably does feel pushed out and wonders what you want.