DH is expecting us to live seperately in the future

[soshockedandhurt]

I thought we were pretty happy. We have 3 DCs between 4 and 10.

We've been discussing moving for ages and considering moving the 'family home' to somewhere far from DH's work and he'd then do a weekly commute. So far we've decided against it as DH wants to see the DCs more than that (he also sacrificed career progression so he could be around more - if he went 'hardcore' and worked for a big hitter in the industry he could double his salary but at the cost of family life).

At the moment I am a SAHM and DH takes the DCs to school every morning and is home for dinner almost every evening, and is the 'main' parent on the weekends.

But it's on the table for when they're all in secondary school for example, which is the 'natural' time to make such a move as DC1 could do A-levels in the new location as the younger ones started secondary.

So every now and again I'll look on property sites for what's available in the areas we're vaguely considering as longterm prospects and send DH the links - "wow look at this place", sort of thing.

For example we're considering Holmfirth and St Ives with DH's work in London.

Last night we'd been watching some property programme where they ended up in the middle of nowhere, and I said how beautiful it would be but what a nightmare to get back to from London, and DH basically said that he sees that move as a step on the path to seperating, and he's expecting us to have totally seperate households by the time the DCs leave school, and "all we have in common is the DCs" and basically he sees our longterm future as being apart.

I am reeling. How can he have this planned now?! We are a young family!

He sort of made it sound like this plan is all that's getting him through the day, and that he doesn't want to be with me (but he does want to be with the DCs), and is biding his time! Like posts I sometimes see on here where the woman is playing the 'long game'!

He doesn't want to seperate now, he was horrified when I asked that.

What the?!

So stop reading MN and talk to him.

great advice igggi

FWIW my dad lived away in the week and came home at the weekends for over 10 years - but not when we were small (in fact, we'd all left school by then). He could have had a much more glamorous career than he did, but there's no way he would have left my mum alone with 3 kids all week, and no way he would have not wanted to see us. Just saying.

I see your point too Kayano. Quite easy on the basis of this to imagine either party thinks the other sees them as dispensible.

OP - this "He sort of made it sound like this" approach is the first thing to tackle. Whatever else is going on you have massive communication issues. Talk to him asap and ask him exactly what he means.

I'm with Kayano as well.

And I'd say, stop prioritising your children over your marriage.

So what if they aren't 100% perfectly happy with where they're living? They'll be up and grown before you know it.

A marriage is for life, kids are for 18 years

I have never in my life been so agreed with

Another agreement with Kayano. The op may feel like her husband using her as a housekeeper and nanny. He may feel like her cash cow. You need to talk to your husband op.

Well, I'm going to add to the chorus, Kayano.

OP, have you considered the possibility that your husband is trying to protect himself emotionally because he feels that you're detaching? Sending him details of houses hundreds of miles from where he works - it does look like you're taking steps to move yourself and your kids away from him, physically and, he may well think, emotionally.

And re reading your op you do sound very keen to reduce your husband to a weekend dad. Why do you want to live so far from his work? I'd feel like a cash cow too in his shoes.

YOu are all saying he has to go yet not one of you has read what she has said that she cannot manage the children without him on the weekend, the poor man works all week and at the weekend becomes a full time parent, he gets no respite whatsoever none.

NO wonder he is thinking that when the kids get older he gets his life back and can do what he likes at the weekend.

All work and no play is no good for anybody at all ever.

The OP cannot survive without her husband he it would appear can survive without her. Clearly and intends to.

At least he is doing the honourable thing and staying for the children, and ensuring they grow up in a settled environment. At the expense of his career, so he gives all and gets shit on here? Madness.

Fabby, have you read the last 10 or so posts? The husband is getting a lot of sympathy, quite rightly, imo.

Indeed, it seems as if you have built up this idyllic dream existence that barely involves him. Do you believe living somewhere rural in the countryside is going to be as fabulous as you envisage it, or is it just a fantasy? The more I think about it the more I imagine how hurtful this would be to your DH, he doesn't even appear to be an after thought in your fantasy life.

Fabby come join my clan

There was a couple on Relocation, Relocation years ago where halfway through the programme he suddenly got cold feet and confessed he was worried they'd end up seperating. Not because he wanted to split up but because he realised he'd never see his wife and kids.

Believe me its not a good situation - DH was on the oil rigs for 2 years about 9 years ago. I do think it did permanent damage to our relationship. I barely saw him for 18 months and we still rarely talk to each other in the evenings as I got so used to being on my own.

OH has worked abroad (not home at weekends, only for a few days every couple of months) for 5 years. We have 3DS (5, 3, 7m). Only recently have we been in a financial position to buy. He wanted to buy halfway between his work and UK (ie western europe) for me to live totally on my own with DC but see him every fortnight for a day or so. I wanted to stay in UK where I have friends and some family support.

I didnt realise how much he wanted me to move out there.... until we were exchanging on a UK property over Christmas and he was describing it as my house (not his or ours). Turns out it was a bigger deal than I (or him?) thought.

DC and I move this month, on our own (ack!). He still will come back every 6-8weeks when he visits UK, but I wouldnt be surprised to hear him talk the same way as the OP DH in the future. It's wouldnt be a surprise :(

Concur with the above comments. My dh works in a job which involves postings in a huge variety of nice and not so nice locations. When the trailing spouse heads home with the children "for schooling" or what ever, it is sometimes because the marriage has already run its course. If this isn't the case it is often a catalyst for a marriage's end, or sometimes the family cannot bear it and they rearrange their plans to be together again.

Sometimes it works but it is usually very unpopular with the spouse left alone.

It often seems to me to be a stark choice between one's partner and what is best for children and people quite reasonably feel they can prioritize children just for a few years as you are seeming to do.

In practice, it's a lot harder than you might think and there is truly no shortage of very nice single folk, happy to give company to a lonely, fairly successful and solvent bread-winner who is feeling neglected.

I think I understand what you want but suggest your solution is less workable than you think. Sometimes there isn't a nice solution, unfortunately.

I think it is interesting that his reasons for not separating now are that YOU wouldnt cope. That may not be exactly honest, it may hide his own feelings; on the other hand, it may be.

He has not, from what you have said, offered that he would miss you, or that he wants you in his life, other than on a practical basis.

If that is the case, he sees your role in the relationship as providing domestic support, companionship, family help, that sort of thing. He may well NOT be having an affair, but I dont believe for a minute that he will tolerate this long term, as he sees it. I think he has reserved the right in his head, at least, at some point. I dont know his age, but if he feels like this now, it will all come to a head when he hits mid life, if not before.

That puts him in charge of your future, and leaves you very powerless, doesnt it? And tha fact that he also sees it this, way, suggests he does think he is in charge, and therefore this adds to his disrespect of you.

What do you think your options are?

The thing is though is that the op herself has said she wouldn't be able to cope. At the moment her DH is getting the children ready in the morning to take to school and has the majority of the responsibility at the weekend.

OP, what do you think will change from being in London to being in the dreamy countryside? Do you feel your illness will suddenly be fixed and you will cope by yourself then, as well as working in a part time job?

I can understand your husbands skepticism about the situation. I can also understand that he was initially very excited about the dream life idea, but what with realising he isn't actually a part of it, people are allowed to change their mind.

I'm the main wage earner in our house and if my husband formulated a plan that involved him living somewhere lovely with the kids all the time and me stuck in the city during the week and only seeing my family at weekends I would feel rejected and unloved.
If this relationship is to work you need to spend more time together and not view him as there just to provide you with a nice house in the country.

This is beyond weird. Strange enough to be happily planning an idyllic rural life that your DH is expected to fund but only partake in at weekends when he's knackered from 'ramping up' his career to pay for it.
But you said yourself you can't cope with looking after your DCs on your own - how is that going to work when he's not around?

I pushed for us to leave the city years ago, but it only came about because DH was offered a job where his employers were happy for him to work at home (when he wasn't out of the country or in town for face-to-face meetings).
That's been hard enough - mostly on him, as, difficult as it was for me to be left alone for a few nights a week with 3 little ones, at least I didn't have a 2 hour drive from the airport after a full-on business trip, or the stress of catching 'red eye' planes.
But at least he lived in our house, was felt as a presence, left an empty space so to speak, rather than being an add-on at weekends.
I find it astounding that you've been blithely making plans to exclude him for - how long? - not even pretending you want him to be around.
That's not giving him a message that you value his unput or even his physical presence is it?

And btw, rural idylls aren't what they're cracked up to be, and I live with the guilt of having plunged my DH into hours of extra travel and stress, myself into a dull, isolated existence and the DCs into having to be ferried around everywhere - just so we can look out of the window and see a pretty view.
Not worth the candle.

Do you all live in the countryside? I never have, I've always been a city girl and that's what I'd prefer. If we'd all fit in DH's flat, I'd be up for living there. But the nearby schools have knife crime problems. That's not what we want.

Perhaps 'rural idyll' is how you feel about it. I think I'll be lonely, but it's worth it for the DCs to go to good schools, get to play out, etc. Loads of people have weekly commutes and when I posted (different name), about the idea a year or so ago the comments were massively in favour.

The DCs will be 11+ and be able to get themselves to school etc.

DH and I came up with the plan together. Looked at houses together. Reached decisions together.

It's six years in the future, this plan. Who knows what could change, as regards my condition or our financial situation or our relationship.

I thought we had a common goal but we don't. DH is marking time, I thought we were together forever.

I'm hiding this thread now. Thanks for your input.

I agree that teenagers in particular get bored with rural life and can be hard to manage with just 1 parent. I would always choose to live where I can be with my husband every night if possible, and have both of us there for the kids to help with homework, discipline, relationship problems etc. I think boys in particular benefit from having their father around.
Fair enough if you have to be parted from your partner because they work off shore/ in the forces/ HGV etc but to choose a rural house over being with your spouse all the time sounds odd to me. I want my husband to love me to the extent that he'd rather live in a small cramped flat together than a large house away from me.

erm, excuse me, but it is a no brainer to me.

You are a sahm. You both want him to not progress his career so he can be hands on and have family time.
This is pretty luxurious, most families cant have both parents so available.
You want him to commute and live separate and away from the family in the week and spend weekends at your lovely home in the country.

What about him?

Clearly he has realized he is a milking cow, and is making his plans to go the full hog, and NOT spend two days per week with his family. He might even get more time with the kids if you live separate and have shared parenting.

Sorry, I can't grasp the meaning of your first sentence; do you mean you'd prefer the city because you've always lived there, or the country because you think the schools would be better?
< talks to self >

Leave him and file for custody, move far far away and have a nice life, he is a fuckwit

"Loads of people have weekly commutes and when I posted (different name), about the idea a year or so ago the comments were massively in favour."

Maybe, but it doesn't really matter what 'loads of people' do, or what posters on here are in favour of. What matters is what your husband feels about the idea. I know you say he was up for it initially (or you thought he was, anyway), but clearly it is not something he sees working now. Or only as a route to separation.

Think carefully as well about what is best for the children. It can sometimes be more difficult to for kids to 'play out' and have independence in a rural area - twisty roads with fast traffic and no pavements, school friends may live quite far away, less/no public transport etc. It doesn't have to be the extremes of isolated countryside or crime-ridden inner city, you might find small towns or suburban areas more suitable.

I do hope you manage to sort things out between you. Clearly something has gone very wrong somewhere along the line, the only way to find out what it is and whether it's fixable is to talk to each other, both be completely honest about your feelings. I do think counselling might be worth trying.

A fuckwit who's soft-pedalled his career for the last who knows how long, so he can help the OP at each end of the day. Oh, and on weekends 'off,' he gets to do the lion's share of the housekeeping and childcare.
He sounds incredibly committed to those children and to family life from what the OP has said - maybe he's realused her plans all along have been to sidelibe bim into funding the new life in which he plays no part other than tacking himself on at weekends.