DH is expecting us to live seperately in the future

[soshockedandhurt]

I thought we were pretty happy. We have 3 DCs between 4 and 10.

We've been discussing moving for ages and considering moving the 'family home' to somewhere far from DH's work and he'd then do a weekly commute. So far we've decided against it as DH wants to see the DCs more than that (he also sacrificed career progression so he could be around more - if he went 'hardcore' and worked for a big hitter in the industry he could double his salary but at the cost of family life).

At the moment I am a SAHM and DH takes the DCs to school every morning and is home for dinner almost every evening, and is the 'main' parent on the weekends.

But it's on the table for when they're all in secondary school for example, which is the 'natural' time to make such a move as DC1 could do A-levels in the new location as the younger ones started secondary.

So every now and again I'll look on property sites for what's available in the areas we're vaguely considering as longterm prospects and send DH the links - "wow look at this place", sort of thing.

For example we're considering Holmfirth and St Ives with DH's work in London.

Last night we'd been watching some property programme where they ended up in the middle of nowhere, and I said how beautiful it would be but what a nightmare to get back to from London, and DH basically said that he sees that move as a step on the path to seperating, and he's expecting us to have totally seperate households by the time the DCs leave school, and "all we have in common is the DCs" and basically he sees our longterm future as being apart.

I am reeling. How can he have this planned now?! We are a young family!

He sort of made it sound like this plan is all that's getting him through the day, and that he doesn't want to be with me (but he does want to be with the DCs), and is biding his time! Like posts I sometimes see on here where the woman is playing the 'long game'!

He doesn't want to seperate now, he was horrified when I asked that.

What the?!

MadAbout it does sound like an "exit strategy" - which is something that I talked about with a counsellor when I was unhappy in my marriage; she "gave me permission" to think about how I could leave the relationship, rather than feeling trapped and overwhelmed - it helped get things in perspective. There wasn't anyone else, though.

Wow! How odd. I can only imagine how gut-wrenching that must have been.

I think you need to clarify exactly what he means because that sounds so odd as to be unbeleivable. I mean unbeleivable to say that and expect you to say 'OK then'.

So, OP are you planning on waiting for him to decide to leave you?

what an arse ! Did he honestly think you would be okay wasting your life with a man who would leave you when its convienient for him in the future ?

Without the OP having a further conversation with her DH, we really can't say that he is "using her" till it suits him to leave - he may be reacting against a "dream" of the OP's that effectively sidelines him to role of money-earner.

It doesn't sound to me that he wants to move, be away all week and commute and not see much of his children.

And how many people would.

And if he does do it you might as well separate.

Agree he might not be as happy with the proposed 'future plans' as you think he is - though he obviously hasn't communicated that very well. It doesn't sound a great lifestyle for him, especially as it's clearly important to him to be involved in the children's lives on a day-to-day basis.

You need to sit down and talk properly, and get to the bottom of what's really going on here.

I agree with what some other have said - is this move the country with the DC your dream or his? Maybe he doesn't want to be apart during the week. You need to come to a compromise that makes everyone happy. I live in the commuter belt and it's plenty rural enough for now. Why are you allowing your DC to have more say in this than your DH? Commuter belt gives the kids the bigger house and some country living, but your DH gets to live with you too.

Either way, you all really need to have a serious conversation.

OUR plan, we came up with it together. We can't afford a big house in the commuter belt.

100% sure no OW, but that's besides the point really - our marriage is a shame if this is what he's expecting to happen.

Interesting.
Sometimes I think I play the "long game" at least in my head.
Is it so odd to wonder about the future and imagine/explore different options?
Anyway, marking place, to catch up with all your thoughts later !

I'm surprised at many of the conclusions some posters have been leaping to.

OP you need to talk it through with him - possibly in relationship counselling. You both need to feel free to say what you think, and what you want out of life, each other, and the family. Only then can you work out if you have a future together.

Fucking hell, soshocked. That's bloody awful. And pretty bloody selfish actually. If he's so keen on this why not do it now but actually separate?

He's coming home early to talk about it. Seems surprised I am shocked/hurt.

He was horrified at the idea of seperating now. He wouldn't want to be away from the DCs, thinks I couldn't cope as a single parent etc.

How come you are so sure there is no other woman ( or man)?

He could be having an online relationship/EA if not in the flesh.

What a shock to drop into a conversation in the middle of a property programme.

Have you spoken again since?

I think you need good 'about what you said last night' talk. Does he know how upsetting his bombshell was, or was he assuming that you weren't that bothered about a life together? Would counselling be a possibility?

Do you know what you want? presumably not to live alongside someone who doesn't want a elationship - he needs to factor that into his thnking!!

Very sorry you have had this dumped on you.

Life with a young family is draining, emotionally, physically, financially. Could it be that your DH is just feeling exhausted, and has fantasised a life for himself without all the responsibilities and drudgery of family life? I agree with Collaborate - I'd want to go to counselling and get to the bottom of this.

Maybe he has said this to wake you both up to the fact that for him, at least, this marriage isn't fulfilling at the moment. It might be more of a call for help for you to try and put your relationship back at the heart of family life - rather than the constant demands of kids and work.

But what he has said is very, very hurtful, and I can understand that today you must literally be reeling. Hope things work out for you.

What about being apart from you? Did that thought horrify him? Assuming that you married 'for love', somewhere along the line, that seems to have got lost. Does he love you?

Your husband sounds like the most emotionally retarded human being I have ever heard of! Is he some mad but brilliant Sherlock type? I just cannot imagine any normal person making that kind of comment and then being 'surprised' that you are hurt. It actually makes him sound a bit sociopathic in which case I wouldn't want children anywhere near him!!! It does remind me of a guy I went out with (briefly) at Uni who had gone to Harrow. I knew we were doomed when he made this comment: "I was so close to the guys I went to school with. I'll never be as close to a wife as I was to them. Your wife is someone you have children with." Mentalist!!!

It seems like he doesn't love me at all. Not like I thought he did anyway - like in his head we're getting along, rubbing along fine but not a longterm prospect. I was always more 'into' him but I'm the more emotional one anyway - but he proposed, he cried with joy at the wedding, he has been great through my illness and various stressful stuff over the years.

We talked loads last night but it was mostly me getting worked up and him being sort of compassionate but bemused.

He LOVES family life, he lives for it.

He needs to live for it with you though - not just as some abstract "whole package" thing. What about you? Are you supposed to live with a man who doesn't love you for all the coming years?

I truly hope that this is just stressy stuff and not how he really feels.

Are you sure this isn't some sort of misunderstanding? I'm really confused. Did he actually say the words that he wants to separate when the dc are old enough? Or is it the conclusion that you've come to by listening to him and drawing your own conclusions, iyswim....

"Seems surprised I am shocked/hurt. He was horrified at the idea of seperating now."
So he wants to keep you around to raise his children, but be discarded as soon as they're old enough to fly the coop?

It's as if he doesn't see you as a spouse, but as an employee to be made redundant at a later date; said date to be determined by him?

I think you really have to point out to him that if that is the case then you choose to look for another man job with better long-term prospects.

In your shoes, I rather think I would consider my marriage to be irreparably damaged by this; given that I had no idea how this man thinks and how he views the world.

He is expecting, that's what he said, expecting. That we'd gradually establish totally seperate households.

As far as I was concerned, we'd do the weekly commute thing, and then head off into retirement etc together. Be grandparents together. You know. Together.

I would ignore those that are saying that he is going to leave you.

Talk to him and get the full story it sounds like it was badly worded by him and OTT by you.

I don't know... something doesn't seem right. Surely he wouldn't fix this plan in place for the future just as a casual throwaway conversation? I don't understand this at all.

When's he coming home?