How would you stop/have you stopped being horrible

[OuchCharlie]

I'm going to try not to make this a 'pity me' post, I think I'm a reasonable person most of the time, hope I'm a good mum and friend.

The problem is I don't think I'm being a very good wife at the moment.

Quick background; DH and I have been together almost 4 years, longest relationship either of us has had (his previous record was 1.5 years with someone 'horrible', mine was 4 months with a manchild) we've been married nearly 2 years and have a gorgeous 1 year old son.

I'm a SAHM and DH works, he gets 2 days off a week and we try to do fun things as a family, my problem is that I keep snapping at him, telling him how to do stuff (relating to DS) and just generally being like an annoying negative running commentary! I'm aware that I'm doing it but it wasn't until he said something the other day I really stepped back and looked at it from his point of view;I feel terrible and I want to change.

I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour but I think it comes from a mixture of just wanting things to be done right and keeping my son safe (DH is a little rougher with him than I am which I know is normal for a man but it makes me worry) and the fact that I'm constantly talking to DS so it's a kind of habit now to keep talking and pointing out dangers etc.

DH is a brilliant dad and amazing husband. There are very few 'bad' things I can say about him... I do wish things were more equal financially and struggle with the fact that he pays for everything (brilliant) while I don't 'work' but also that I have no money of my own apart from what is meant for our son for things such as nappies, clothing, playgroup etc but even if you are extremely frugal (which I am) people still need tampons, shampoo etc. Anyway I digress somewhat, apart from that and I wish I wasn't the only one to hear DS wake up (once awake he won't give in until I get up with him) there is very little amiss in the balance of our relationship; he doesn't deserve to be snipped at and told how to be a dad.

What makes it worse is that although DS adores DH he is going through a stage where he only wants me at the moment.

I can feel DH getting fed up with me but he's so tolerant he rarely says anything. I don't want to be the kind of mum who nags constantly and I definitely don't want to be that kind of wife, we've got a long time left together and I want things to be harmonious without him thinking 'shut up you old hag' and me hating myself!

So, if you've been through similar how did you (for want of a better phrase) learn to shut yourself up!?

How can I stop nagging before its out of my mouth? I know I've done it as soon as its out of my mouth but by then it's too late.

I'll be stalking this thread as I'm the same

I think it sounds like you are a bit hard on yourself!! x

I'm the same and you are being hard on yourself but I'll be interested too in the responses. Think sometimes being critical can have the opposite effect.

Unless it looks like DH is about to break your son's neck, make yourself count down from 30 before interfering in how DH is doing something with DS.

I do what you do too. It's hard because you are used to all the small idiosyncrasies your son does and prefers, so it's hard to see anyone doing it slightly different. "He doesn't like the red dinosaur, he wants to play with the blue parrot you idiot!!" (a slightly exaggerated example). Knowing what works best with your son makes your life easier, but it doesn't necessarily make your DH's life easier. It certainly doesn't make it easier when you are snapping at him to do it a certain way. But, if you hold back and let him figure it out for himself with DS, you might find they get on just fine. That's why I try and count or give a pause before I suddenly fire of the "right" way of doing something with the kids. I'm not great at it, but I'm better than I was at holding my tongue.

As for the "bad" thing about your husband is that you don't have any money of your own, that sounds like a separate issue. Do you not have access to the money? Have you explained to him how you feel about it? When I first became a SAHM, I felt the only way I could help with the money was by saving as much as possible. That did nothing but deny me. I spoke to my DH about it and said I wanted some money put aside each month that I could spend on whatever I wanted. Not that I couldn't spend our money before, but like I said, I didn't like to spend it. It's not loads and I still use the main money for the kids, groceries, etc. But if I want to grab a coffee with my friends, I'll usually use my own money. It just enabled me to have a bit of independence.

I had a fairly similar situation with my wife, where it felt like the parenting responsibilities weren't being shared equally. I did feel left out of decision making which undermined my confidence. Once aired it became less of an issue, my wife stood back a little and let me learn by my mistakes ;)

The money thing sounds like something that needs sorting. We are on a tight budget, but there's always some money in my wifes account should she need it. Should really have sorted out a joint account by now though. I wouldn't see it as him paying for everything btw, you are a team and the roles have shifted a bit but it's still your income too. Sorry if that sounds a bit preachy, not intended that way.

Counting to 5 before speaking is a good idea.

Also, telling him when you appreciate him. Make him feel good for a change.

Can you go out and leave him and DS together in the house? Even if DS cries when you go, he will settle down quicker than you think. It will show DH that you trust him, and allow them to work out their own different ways of relating. Plus give you a bit of time to recharge and be you as it were.

Thank you for all your replies. I have been trying the country to 10 before speaking today and feel much better already. You're all right of course, just because something makes my life easier doesn't mean it will work for DH.

With regards to money, no I have no access to it. We've always done things separately and while this may be a separate 'issue' I think it's possible I'm trying to subconsciously 'prove' that I work hard even though I can't contribute financially.

I am going to suggest I go out on my own for a bit this afternoon. I never do it though so DH might be a bit taken aback! I'm going to suggest I go to the library on my own and they meet me there in a bit. It's DS's 1st birthday tomorrow and I think it's time I showed DH I trust him and let them spend time together without me there. I will worry (uneccesarily I know) because DS is going through major separation anxiety at the moment and mine is probably worse! But I think I need to just do it don't I?!

Yes you do :)

Yes, you certainly do! Don't worry, it'll go just fine.

If you've got no access to the family money when you're married and staying at home to take care of your baby, you have much bigger problems than supposedly "nagging" your dh.

Why is your dh happy to treat you like this?

Perhaps all you need to do is ask about the money. It sounds to me like you have been trying not to ask/show your independence but this is leaving you genuinely short. If your DH is the man you think he is, he will immediately see the issue and help to rectify it.

As for being a bit of an old witch on occasions, it's hard when you are the one doing most of the parenting in the day, you get to know their routines, what they like, and become the 'expert' if you like, plus babies do get very attached sometimes to one person (could be more than one) and so it becomes easier for you do to everything. You are right though, it can really really shut the other person out. I think just becoming aware of it is a great starting point, you don't need to follow your H round when he's looking after your child. You also don't need to endlessly comment, try to keep out of the way a bit, take time to go and have a rest, read a book, catch up on the chores or phone a friend, all the stuff you normally don't have time to do.

As for leaving them on their own, this can work brilliantly, but only if your child who is still very little isn't going to go into a complete meltdown for the hours you are away. My eldest at this age was very very all about mummy and just used to howl so much, even if with her dad or my mum, that we ended up giving up trying to pass her over and just went with it for those months. Once she was a few months older, my husband used to take her out for the day on a Sat to give me a break/allow me to work, and they bonded massively on those trips.

You are also probably very tired, which doesn't help one's mood, I find! Try to get as much rest as you can (nap when the baby naps). You could ask your husband to do one morning each on the weekend in terms of waking, although it is hard when they 'only' want you (they have to go right downstairs away from you otherwise you are too tempting an option and will end up getting up anyway).

I'm sure if you have realised this, you are going a long way to solving it. You are being a bit harsh on yourself, but only slightly, it's easy when you are tired and feeling your way as a new mum to end up way off where you want to be (and who you want to be). But do sort out the money issue too, it's urgent.

As others have said try stepping back a little and letting your DH and DC work it out for themselves. I often think my DH doesn't 'understand' our DD but that's because he doesn't spend as much time with her as I do. I used to end up telling him what she wanted (which didn't help) and I found they were fine thrashing it out between themselves.
As for playing rough, that's actually what Dads are for. Children learn different things from different parents, Mums and Dads behave differently and bring different perspectives and experiences to their DCs lives. Like someone else said 'unless it looks like he's about to break your DCs neck leave them to it, you'll know instantly if something is amiss.

As for the finances, it's difficult if you've been working before having your DC and are used to having separate monies. You need to talk to him and split any spare money, after bills etc 50/50 so you also have some spare cash.

If you feel you can't discuss this, try putting it down in an email to him, that way you don't let emotion into the discussion and you can get down what you want.

what ?

you have no access to family money ?

stuff the rest of it...do you understand what a dangerous, precarious and ridiculous situation you are in ?

do you have life insurance, a pension, savings of your own ?

Stepping back unless "he's about to break your baby's neck" is an unbelievably low bar to be setting as reasonable treatment for a baby. Not all men are rough with children, and it's sexist to claim they are.

I have phases where I get like this with my absolutely lovely DH. IME this is almost always because there is some deeper stress or problem going on. Sure, there are techniques to make you less snippy, but what you really want to do is get to the bottom of the problem, then it will actually go away completely.

If you don't work and you never go out on your own, then your whole identity and life is tied up with being a mum and a wife. So it's kind of natural that you will be annoyed when things aren't done the way you like. It's also a big shift to go from being independent to depending on someone else for even your basic needs.

So in the first place, it's ridiculous that you don't have access to the money, or at least some setup where you can independently just pay for things and not feel like you're spending 'your husband's money'.

And second, your baby is a year old now, there's nothing wrong with going out on your own and doing whatever you feel like doing, it would not only relax you but give you a better sense of perspective on the little things.

We call it THE RAGE here.

DH and DC's just do the head tilt, say aww and give me a hug. Best cure for THE RAGE ever.

nyac he's not 'treating me' like anything - our finances have always been separate, I've always earned less than him and he's always said from the off he doesn't want a joint account or joint finances; I knew that when I married him. It may well be that my feelings have changed now I'm looking after our DC but I'm still working out how I feel about it. He's also been happy to pay more than his 'half' when I was struggling finding work/in education and not earning much at all. I am not hard done by at all, sorry if I sound defensive but my DH treats me amazingly so I don't like to have him criticised.

With regards to 'being rough' I don't think pp meant it literally, they were just saying trust him to not hurt DS by being a little rougher with him than I would be unless I genuinely feel he's in danger (i dont) - I don't think all men are rough with DC, just that some are slightly rougher than some women.

You've had his baby and if you got married in any kind of a traditional way, you both would have agreed to share finances, so the idea that he would treat his wage as a family wage that you both have access to is shocking.

You're being financially controlled, whether you're aware of it or not.

aahtetley thank you, the thing you said about things being separate until recently is absolutely true. I've never had reason to know what's in his account or have access to it because I've always had my own wage (however small that may have been)

Things are different now but also me being a SAHM sort of happened by accident - I never wanted to go back to work but could see DH was struggling with the idea of taking on all the bills himself, so I asked him if we could manage for a couple of months and take it from there. Every month I ask him if we're doing OK, do I need to get a job? He says "no we're alright at the moment, childcare would take most of your wage and you'd be miserable" - all true but he wasn't saying this a few months ago. He sort of needs time to digest ideas of big change.

The last time I suggested him giving me a little each month he said there wasn't enough left over. He has his own debts and spends very little on himself so I don't doubt that. I don't want to ask again but your idea of an email sounds good. I am mulling it over.

nyac you are quite possibly right. But I also believe it was my decision not to go back to work... This wasn't supposed to be a thread about money but I guess it does affect me more than I've probably realised. It's hard because for years I watched my dad earn money that my mum spent like water on herself and the house (as well as us but still) - I always promised myself I wouldn't be like her, I know how hard it is to earn money, but then maybe I'm being too passive for fear of being aggressive. I don't know, anyway you've given me some things to think about

oh Jesus Christ, you can't afford shampoo and tampons? and you don't know how much money there is, but he just tells you there's none for you and you accept that?

He is not an amazing husband. He does not treat you amazingly.

I don't know what to say.

I think this is quite common when you have a baby, I was certainly like it and have a dh with the patience of a saint. What helped was firstly talking, I told him that I realised I was doing it and that I could see it wasn't very nice for him. He was quite reassuring really, but agreed that it wasn't great for him. The main thing that happened to really change things was having two further dc's I look back now at some of the thing I used to get stressed about and realised that I suffered from severe pfb-ness. Once you have your hands full of children and you go through the development phases for a second and third time you become wayyyy more relaxed about the finer detail.

In the meantime I do think ou need to raise the financial issue although not at the same time. He may not have realised that you don't have any money. What would happen if you need a new coat/shoes etc?

You are working OC. You're taking care of his and your child, which is work even if it isn't paid.

If you had a job and he stayed at home and looked after your baby, would you exclude him from any of your wage and leave him short?

Bohemian your reply made so much sense to me. Yes that's exactly it about the independence, the identity... I'm not sure about the money thing though. Everyone keeps saying the money but I think we both see it as his and it's going to take a lot to change that.

To the pp who asked about pension, life insurance, savings etc. No I don't have any of those things. I don't have any income so wouldn't be able to keep up the repayments (i did have life insurance but due to this reason I had to stop paying into it and lost the policy) - this does concerns me but I'm pretty good at burying my head in the sand.

Not having been apart from my baby has been entirely my choice, if I was to be out earning money and putting him in childcare I would be absolutely miserable. Just as some women can't wait to get back to work I dreaded the day I was supposed to return to work. I can't have it both ways, something has to give.

By the way I went to the library alone, DH and DS joined me about an hour later. I was anxious for the second half of that time, not because I don't trust DH (DS didn't even notice I was gone) but because being apart from him feels physically wrong at the moment. I don't plan to fight with that feeling because I think it's there for a reason, but I do feel it's time I started doing things for myself and handing the reins over every now and then. It's good for all of us.

Maybe in doing that I will find the confidence to have that discussion - I think part of the trouble is I feel no sense of entitlement to DHs wage, maybe I need to change my attitude; I know what I'd tell a friend in my position - that when you're in a family you have to contribute and share - maybe that's my answer but I'm too afraid to approach the subject in my own head at the moment never mind with DH. I am planning on taking a few days to think about how I actually feel and then raise it with him. This is the only area of our relationship we're not open and on the same page, I suppose that's why it scares me.