How would you stop/have you stopped being horrible

[OuchCharlie]

I'm going to try not to make this a 'pity me' post, I think I'm a reasonable person most of the time, hope I'm a good mum and friend.

The problem is I don't think I'm being a very good wife at the moment.

Quick background; DH and I have been together almost 4 years, longest relationship either of us has had (his previous record was 1.5 years with someone 'horrible', mine was 4 months with a manchild) we've been married nearly 2 years and have a gorgeous 1 year old son.

I'm a SAHM and DH works, he gets 2 days off a week and we try to do fun things as a family, my problem is that I keep snapping at him, telling him how to do stuff (relating to DS) and just generally being like an annoying negative running commentary! I'm aware that I'm doing it but it wasn't until he said something the other day I really stepped back and looked at it from his point of view;I feel terrible and I want to change.

I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour but I think it comes from a mixture of just wanting things to be done right and keeping my son safe (DH is a little rougher with him than I am which I know is normal for a man but it makes me worry) and the fact that I'm constantly talking to DS so it's a kind of habit now to keep talking and pointing out dangers etc.

DH is a brilliant dad and amazing husband. There are very few 'bad' things I can say about him... I do wish things were more equal financially and struggle with the fact that he pays for everything (brilliant) while I don't 'work' but also that I have no money of my own apart from what is meant for our son for things such as nappies, clothing, playgroup etc but even if you are extremely frugal (which I am) people still need tampons, shampoo etc. Anyway I digress somewhat, apart from that and I wish I wasn't the only one to hear DS wake up (once awake he won't give in until I get up with him) there is very little amiss in the balance of our relationship; he doesn't deserve to be snipped at and told how to be a dad.

What makes it worse is that although DS adores DH he is going through a stage where he only wants me at the moment.

I can feel DH getting fed up with me but he's so tolerant he rarely says anything. I don't want to be the kind of mum who nags constantly and I definitely don't want to be that kind of wife, we've got a long time left together and I want things to be harmonious without him thinking 'shut up you old hag' and me hating myself!

So, if you've been through similar how did you (for want of a better phrase) learn to shut yourself up!?

How can I stop nagging before its out of my mouth? I know I've done it as soon as its out of my mouth but by then it's too late.

let me place a scenario in your head

it will most probably never happen to you, but all the women it has ever happened to said the same

what would you do if your husband decided your marriage was over, met a pretty girl at the office and decided she was the one, not you

how would you manage financially, bearing in mind you have given up any way of supporting yourself, you have no savings and you would be dependent on the good will of a man who has already proved himself to be looking after numero uno where the finances are concerned

you are in a a very precarious position

I strongly suggest you take your head out of the sand, and take advice to protect yourself financially

do you have a mortgage ?

nobody should feel so scared to raise such an important subject witin a so-called family partnership

you dread the answer, that is why

and when he refuses to do right by you and your dc, you will have to face up to some very uncomfortable facts

you and your child are at the mercy of this man

his whims are your controller, because you could not leave him, no matter what he did

haven't you read the Relationships threads ? You will find them very sobering reading

"childcare would take most of your wage"

If your dh believes that separate finances are the way to go then why does he think that you'll be footing the entire bill for childcare? It's his child too.

You don't have enough money for shampoo and tampons because your dh refuses to hand over any of the money. That's not an amazing husband. Far from it.

OP first of all, there is a big middle ground between working full-time and never doing anything on your own. If you don't have to work and don't want to, that's great, but you should still spend some time on your own, doing a hobby or running or walking or whatever -- do you have friends to meet up with?

On the money thing -- in a way, it is just a symptom of a number of deeper problems.

You're afraid to bring it up with him -- AF is right, you should not be afraid to talk about things with your partner.

You both think of it as his money this means your work raising your child is not being valued as highly as his work paying the rent. He won't give you a monthly allowance for your own spending this is like saying you are not even an independent adult.

FWIW my own DH always earns more than me so far, but when we got married he insisted on pooling our money -- it's our money now. I don't think earning different salaries is any kind of reason to keep separate finances, and now that you're a SAHM it's even less sensible.

So it's not the money so much as the underlying issues that may be bothering you. But, by addressing the money, you may be able to resolve some of those issues.

I should also say, if money is so tight that you can't get a monthly allowance, afford life insurance and all the rest, you really may need to think about working at least part-time.

The wages should go into a joint account. The bills should be paid from that account and whatever is left over should be split between you.

Either that, or you charge for your contribution to the household - childcare 24/7 (that would be three nannies on a rota), a cleaner, a laundry person, a personal shopper, a cook, a gardener, etc.

You make a valid contribution to the house which can be measured in pounds sterling. He is not the only 'breadwinner' at all.

Why do you feel afraid of talking about this with him?

I disagree with everyone saying that not having a joint account is signs of deeper problems. That's ridiculous. I know many couples who after years of marriage have separate accounts. That's the same in this case, except that the situation has changed with the addition of a child. Neither the OP or her husband probably ever thought much about it or it being necessary before. But I agree, now with a child and you not working, it is necessary.
Fairenuff has it right. If you weren't on the scene anymore, it would cost a hell of a lot of money to look after your son and household, so getting some money for that isn't sponging off your husband. The idea will probably take a bit of time to digest, so if you think you'd be more comfortable telling him in an email, so be it. But you do need access to funds.

On another note, well done you for letting go of the reins for a bit and getting out on your own! I'm sure the more you let your husband handle the situation, the less you'll feel bad about leaving him in charge as well. It's also good for him, to know he can do things right and handle looking after your son.

I definitely think that he needs a few more dad days, to help him bond more with his child and learn parenting skills. They'd also give you the opportunity to have fun away from the baby, which is important.

As you recognise, it isn't healthy to see it as his money because it makes you feel dependent. In reality you depend on each other to make the family unit function. Have you always been coy about finances? Do you think he might be ashamed or worried about the debt? It simply isn't right that you don't have enough money for basics without understanding why that might be.

To explain where I'm coming from, our main wage comes into my account. All bills and living costs come out of that, for historical reasons mainly. SMP goes into my wifes account. We're saving hard so any significant purchases are discussed and agreed. We talk about money perhaps once a week, move cash between accounts etc. We weren't always like this, but the transparency makes it much better.

I'm a bit concerned about the money situation as well...

In the meantime, well done for getting out to the library. I wonder if you H really understands what it's like to be a SAHP? He may not really begin to until he has repeatedly had some considerable time looking after DC on his own. Maybe then he may realise that you having no money is hardly fair.

OC your original post reminded me of the internal struggle I had when my DD was little. I also identify with you over the self criticism, I want to be a nicer person than I am and make my nearest and dearest feel loved and supported.

I had to use huge amounts of self discipline to keep my hands off and my mouth shut sometimes as I firmly believed I knew best about safety and well being and just about everything else! (I haven't changed much either). The thing that motivated me was wanting DD to have a good relationship with her dad. He took a long while to get confidence and competence and I don't regret the effort it took when she was little to give them the space together. She survived into adulthood without being run over or dying of nappy rash or poor meal choices and still has a great relationship with her dad.

(Our situation was not quite the same as yours in other ways; he was a lovely but vulnerable young man when she was conceived accidentally and we didn't stay together as a couple. He always did his best to do the right thing and has since married and has two DCs with his DW. We all get on well.)

Anyway, I just wanted to say trust yourself and good luck with 'acting as if' you know your DH is the best of all Dads to your precious DS. x

Agree the money is a separate, and very important, issue.

With my dh, when things are less than good, it can feel 'entrenched' - so that I/ we feel stuck in being grumpy and not seeing the joy. Getting out of it feels like a decision-not something which just happens. But I find actively seeking intimacy even when I don't feel like it ( by which I mean a long, close hug, or kissing and eye contact, but I suppose sec too) might feel odd at first but soon turns into a sincere desire to be held/ loved. It usually works.

We've had a complete role reversal where I have returned to work and DH is now off (splitting my maternity leave) for the next few months. I've quickly learnt a few things about myself:

• I'm much nicer when its not me that has been at home all day with a sometimes difficult child.
• Even though our money is in separate accounts, I see the need to make mine available to DH while he is not working. We'll probably carry this on when he returns to work as it makes managing money easier.

- Having experienced it myself, I'm more understanding of my DH when he is a bit snappy/out of sorts.

• I am much less stressed/controlling now I have accepted that my DH can look after my DS just as well as I can, probably more so as he is not as over-protective.
• I am jealous as hell that DS now looks to DH first for comfort but now understand how my DH must have felt when DS was first born.

Definately worth letting your DH have more time alone with DS and letting yourself have more 'you' time. Cheesy as it may sound, that way, perhaps your DH will see why sometimes you may feel a bit narky.

On the money front, you definately need access to this. Perhaps you can point out the potential benefits, for e.g since I have been back at work, I haven't had to deal directly with bills (my own or shared), DH does all the shopping so we don't have to waste time off together food shopping, which we see as a chore and Christmas shopping last time was brilliant as DH just sorted it all out during quieter periods in the week (and spent far less than I would have done!)

You can't afford to be a SAHM.

If your husband is refusing to share the marital assets (50% of which are yours by right, regardless of who earns what) and you are refusing to demand your due, then you need to earn some money.

You don't just feel dependent on him, you are dependent on him, but he is not someone you can depend on to look after you financially. So you need to do it yourself.

Your "amazing" husband is financially abusing you.

Where does the child benefit go? Do you even have that to live on?

Why do you think your mother was wrong to spend family money on family things?

I agree that it's massively inconsistent with your supposedly separate finances for him to assume childcare will be paid entirely out of your wages.

Totally agree on the childcare front, but as the OP has said that she really doesn't want to go back to work I think that is probably something of a red herring. My dh is a SAHD and I earn. We have separate accounts. I give him housekeeping, with which he buys everything we need (sometimes I sub it for something big like a big bag of dog food) and he saves up the excess for treats.

We've been together for twenty odd years and we are not good with money, it's caused no end of grief between us, so keeping it totally separate is the least stressful option. I'm not abusing him financially, but we don't talk about money much and part of that is because we don't have as much money as I'd like and I really would prefer for him to go back to work now. Like the OP we live a bit month by moth and it's not comfortable. I guess it could be said that I keep dh a little bit short in the hope that he will get his head around the idea that working again really would be a good idea. Is that something that could be true for you OuchCharlie

To be honest I don't think that you getting separation anxiety is an indicator that you shouldn't spend time with your ds, but an indicator that you should start to spread your wings a little. Even if that's just a class at the weekend, or a visit to friends without your little boy. It's good for your dh and your son to spend time together without you if you have a tendency to dominate, because they need to get confident together, and if you are over his shoulder all the time their relationship will suffer.

You deliberately keep your husband short of money?

Wow

If you can't afford tampons and shampoo and your dh keeps his ownmo ey then you need to get a job and both contribute to childcare.
Sounds to me as though your dh would prefer you to work. Or perhaps you could work evenings or weekends?

When we had our first child we saw an independent financial adviser, and the main thing they recommended was taking out policies to cover my life and health. My DH had good provision through work, but if anything happened to me it would cost a fortune to replace me.
I am a SAHM, a lot of our money is pooled (in fact quite a lot of our savings are just in my name, because its tax efficient). DH doesn't pays an amount into our joint account each month, and pays most of the bills from his. If we run out he just gives us more, possibly after a brief discussion.
When the kids were little (and he earned a little bit more) he paid for childcare to give me a break and a cleaner.
This is a normal relationship.

You need to start taking back control, he should be contributing properly, the child is his, so either he pays towards the child and your upkeep or he needs to fund childcare.

I'm a SAHM I gave up a good job to have my dc's, in fact at that point I earned more than DH. My children are all at school now and we are at the stage were a lot of people ask when I'm going to go back to work, but we have decided that's not the right choice for us. We do have a joint bank account, but that's just for bills, I have my own account and DH transfers an amount each month into it, this is my choice and I can access all bank accounts if I want to although he doesn't have access to mine (only because he's never wanted to).
Back in the early days I used to refer to his money, but he made it perfectly clear that it was our family money and would get really quite offended if I said it was his. He feels that would indicate that he didn't value me and what I do and of course the DC's as I tend to pay for things relating to them. I don't think of myself as fortunate, I think of this situation being normal and as it should be. All our decisions are joint ones. I think it might be different if you wanted to be a SAHM and he felt you should return to work, but it sounds like he can see that that's not right for your family.

I know it takes some men a while to get their heads around their wives being dependant on them, but it's time you talked about it. Most men are very proud and I wonder what he'd think about you saying you didn't have the money to meet a friend for coffee/buy tampons/buy a magazine if you said it to other people in his hearing. I suspect he'd be very embarrassed, so that should tell him something.

See
definition of financial abuse

AThingInYourLife would it make a difference if I said our children are 12 and 10? dh being at home was meant to be a temporary thing, but he is just too happy at home. I don't like having all the responsibility and I think he should be planning to rejoin the workforce. I only mentioned it because it is possible that the OP's dh might be feeling a bit of the same? Open ended arrangements which both parties aren't totally signed up to can lead to resentment.

NB I am not saying that the OP should not have enough money for essentials!

Wow there's a lot of stuff to think about there! I can't answer to all of you directly because I'm on my phone and it's a nightmare!

I will try and answer the points that have stood out to me so far. Funny how the thread has become about something completely different to what I intended it to be.

To the person who asked what I'm afraid of in raising the issue. I'm afraid of 2 things; the first is that despite me giving my side (and not 100% knowing what that is just yet) nothing changes, the 2nd is that DH says actually he wants me to go back to work. Don't get me wrong I'm not afraid of hard work (I've often worked several jobs at once and always taken pride in working hard) - I just want my job to be bringing up my son. If I absolutely have to go out to work I want DS to be with DH. I'm sure I do have a bit of PFB syndrome but I don't want to leave him with anybody else and I can't see that changing any time soon. This is possible but not easy as I am still breastfeeding round the clock. After reading some of these posts though I'm starting to wonder if a part time evening job might be an idea even if it just pays for insurance and a pension.

I didn't have to give up my life insurance when I gave up work; I gave it up before I met DH because it was another outgoing I couldn't afford as I was badly in debt.

Regarding CB yes that comes to me. Unfortunately at the moment it pays my debts to a consolidation company and the excess pays my phone bill. I get CTC at £10 per week. I suppose another point is that if I were on my own and was a SAHM I'd get a lot more than that because DHs wage wouldn't come into it. He wouldn't expect my income to cover the childcare if I was working, we've simply discussed that there would be no additional income to the family and I would be extremely unhappy.

I do think I need to let DH see how hard I work by letting him do it from time to time. Just today we were talking about getting up early in the morning and I said "well I will be up early, yes", he says "but it's my holiday" - my reply was "and when's my holiday?!" he was a little sheepish but I think this is simply because I've become one of those women who just get on with it and don't ask for help. I plan on stepping back a lot more from now on!

I can see how it must look to some of you that my husband controls the roost financially, has a wife that does everything and doesn't lift a finger. I can tell you categorically this is not the case. I am in charge of the food shopping (at my request) and other than that DH does more than his fair share of household chores - i probably feel a bit guilty about him trudging down to the launderette in the snow while I was pregnant and he literally did everything for me (even washing my hair) when I was pregnant. I may have done more than necessary when DS was very small but I don't want him growing up thinking women do everything so I often leave things for DH to do just to keep it even! He does not get waited on.

I need to go now and won't be able to post for a few days but I will continue to think about my feelings on this subject and decided how to approach it with DH.

Thank you for all your thoughts and suggestions, they are much appreciated

Just to let you all know I am changing my nickname to whiskersonkittens

Sorry forget that last post

I am very glad to see that this thread has caused you to examine your situation more closely

I think you have a long way to go yet, but once you get out of the fog of young baby/constant bf, I think you will start to see your situation more clearly

don't have another baby too soon...get your life where you want it before you do that