DP wants to buy food seperately

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

Gruff, I dont think you can deal with this issue in Isolation. In isolation it is just him being extremely petty and controlling over food, but you know there is much much more to it. His reactions, like the sulks, the silent treatments, the way he is avoiding you and what you have to say, the way he wants to keep unresolved business unresolved because dealing with it will mean either that he has to actually change things about himself, or admit he is / has been wrong, all form part of a much bigger and unpleasant picture.

Just look at the sort of man he is, old enough to have been both married, divorced and fathered children. Instead he has chosen to

1. Not get qualifications necessary to perform his job
2. Escaped into a buddhist commune where he does not have to do much that resembles domestic life, where evening meals are served and you pay rent and have all the actual life budgeting sorted for you (the closest he as an adult could get to coming home to mum and live under her wings)
3. Left the commune (because of you?)
4. Is unable to do chores in your home, unable to negotiate a common economy, unable to stick to the rules he himself has set for food
5. Takes advantage of you regards to food you have bought with your money, and argues petty points over peanut butter.
6. Works nights, so you have no actual life let alone a relationship, because of his inability to stick to his career.

Honestly, it is pretty foolish, the whole thing.

OP What makes you feel good about the relationship, because there must be something otherwise you would get out.

Maybe weigh up the good feelings against the bad feelings, and when the bad outweighs the good, you'll know it's time to call it a day.

To me though, it sounds like a bad investment, where someone is throwing good money after bad, because they're still thinking of that original money as being invested, rather than lost.

OP - hugs

Please be kind to yourself.

And this is why I would never, ever post on the Relationship board.

OP-be kind to yourself. I have read your thread, and just wanted to say that if you give it a go again, and put up with this you will no doubt come back to this many times. Ignoring you and giving you the cold shoulder treatment is emotional abuse, and I can't stand grown men sulking and giving the silent treatment. He sounds like he is being very unreasonable, and I would be very concerned about you having a long term relationship with this man. Be very careful with your money, and maybe start to keep some money aside in case you do decide to move on. What are you going to do with big purchases in the future, and if you do ever decide to have a family with this man what about money then, maternity leave? Childcare costs? the list is endless. I wish you all the best OP, but I think you will be revisiting this in the futre, he will never change.

This morning he came home with a new breakfast bar and 5 new knives, I said, "I thought you were 3 payments behind with your loan?" He said "I'm going to apply for bankruptcy any way this was only £50 so nothing compared to the £400 i owe for the loan", I said, "you can't just stop paying your loan, we will end up having people/bailiffs knocking at the door taking our possessions"

I would understand if he was in the process of applying for bankruptcy but he hasn't even rang anyone or gone to the CAB yet

I have my life to run -I can't be constantly nagging him about things like this.
He wants to feather our nest but he needs to put his debts first.

Over Christmas he insisted that we take his car down to my parents even though I said his breaks sounded dodgy and I wanted to drive, he refused because he said I get too stressy when I drive (only because he says go left then when I do he says, I meant right!)

Anyway, we went to London to see my family, on the way there, his breaks just got worse and sounded like metal to metal, we took it to the garage because I refused to go any further without it being checked it was £280 new break job, we had to pool all our money meaning I couldn't afford to spoil my mum (it's her birthday just after xmas)

The sad thing is that I am attached to him, it's helpful for me to write it down and have a forum where I can express my fury about these various instances which, in isolation look like small things but when all joined together, I now realize why I lack energy lately.

I know it must be annoying to you that I'm not just heading for the hills straight away but I feel this thread has moved my trajectory and I'm now relating to the relationship from a very cautious/ on trial point of view. Maybe it's the beginning of the end.

I asked above Gruff, what are his good points?
What do you love about him?

What does he need a new breakfast bar and five knives for?. I'd be telling him to take it all back.

He is quite happy not to do anything and will let you do it all for him, can you see that you're the domestic here whilst he forever remains irresponsible.

You were a passenger in his car even though it had dodgy brakes; what on earth were you thinking?. That was a serious safety issue not just for you but for other road users as well as being an MOT failure. It shows how little he truly thinks of you and others if he was prepared to put you and him at risk in such a manner. It should never have been on the road.

Why are you so attached to him, I think you need to give that thorny issue some serious thought. I am wondering if there is a need within you to try and rescue and or save such an individual.

He is intent on dragging you down with him and the sad fact here is that you are just as culpable here in allowing that descent to happen.

Just read this thread. OP, you are worth so much more. Really. You're attached to him? But what do you get back from this man? He takes, takes, takes and has the temerity to punish YOU for petty wrongdoings. He doesn't live in the real world, buys knives instead of paying off debts!? Wtf? You do all the giving and smoothing over. He sounds like a total tool tbh, sorry. Why should you have to carry him? I know you have feelings for him, but can you see a future with this man? He won't change, because he doesn't see there's a problem. Are you happy with how things are and will be, then?

What on earth are you with such a tight twit for?

so you are paying for his car too?

Please keep looking at him with new eyes and try to see what we see.

Are you reading peoples comments, and taking things on board, or are you just using this like a diary?

If he is applying for bankcruptcy or increasing his debt, you really don't want to be associated with him in any way.

sorry, yes he is funny, we enjoy having conversations with each other, he is humble, he is kind, practically skilled in carpentry electrical stuff, loves cuddling, gives his time to charity, fit, we enjoy walking together in the countryside, he loves my family and treats them well, he is what i would describe as an innocent person, no malice in him whatsoever, he is strong (which I find attractive) has lovely eyes and a spanish accent which i love.
But as Im slowly discovering, every thing I once saw as a plus is slowly turning bad for instance, he doesn't do arguing but by the same tokjen he refuses to engage in ANY discussion about important issues.

You are attracted to this "little boy lost" thing i think, but in reality, as you are finding out, this is a very unbalanced relationship. You are just the substitute for the commune. There, he didnt have to face anything either. Now in the real world, as part of a couple, he cant do it OP.

If he goes bankrupt, you realise you will never get a mortgage, or any other type of credit again?

do you want to be his partner, or his mother? He is looking for a mother, not a partner.

You are sad because the realisation is dawning that you are never going to have what you want with this manchild. He is a serial drifter. a sappy, daft, child in a mans body. It doesnt matter how sexy his accent is, or how fit he is, if the rest of the jigsaw isnt there.

He sounds like he will be forever 25 :)

Fun for a fling I'm sure, but not a serious prospect.

....and

he wont engage in any conversation with you. What are you meant to do? live by his rules or......???

Little Boy Lost aka Selfish Manchild indeed. He truly hit paydirt when he met you aka Mother/Commune Substitute didn't he and no doubt flattered you intently. He still wants to continue to abdicate all responsibility for his actions and is more than happy for you to carry him for as long as you choose to do so. He does not want a partner, he wants someone to carry on where the commune left off.

He holds all the power and control; the power imbalance is indeed striking.

You only get one life and once it's gone, it's gone and you can't get it back. The only question for you is how much of it you're planning on regretting later.

What others have said is true - you sound like a mother dealing with a child. And he has a good deal here - no responsibilities and a naive GF who'll happily deal with it all for him. His good points ate trivialities in the long-run when he is so fundamentally lacking in the essentials.

I really hope you wake up soon

He is a manchild who has an over developed sense of entitlement. Being a bit of an old hippie I have come across many many men like him. Selfish or even narcissistic and childish.....superficially fun but full of bullshit ultimately.
No disrespect intended and I hope this doesn't offend, but they tend to go for younger women who aren't familiar with their types and don't see through them.....
Whether you stay or go is of course up to you, but have no illusions about this man. He will always be selfish and childish. It will manifest its'self in different ways through the years but will always be there. If you are unhappy now he is unlikely to make you happy in the future.

Whatever you do, don't combine your finances with his. You will find yourself always being the one who is responsible for bills, food and keeping the car on the road whilst he spends his money on fun things. You will also be 'boring' or 'controlling' if you suggest that he spends some of his money on essentials so that you can have a bit of money to spend on fun stuff yourself.

Even without meeting your DP I would happily put money on this becoming true.

He is not humble, kind, affectionate or charitable, I'm afraid.

All those qualities depend on empathy; consideration for others. The man you're writing about is arrogant enough to insist on risking your life because he doesn't like being criticised. He's unkind enough to knowingly leave you hungry after a long day. He's uncharitable enough to wilfully spend money he owes to others and to take a "What's mine is mine, and so is yours" approach to basics like food and money. His affection's very easily withdrawn, isn't it? He seems to put as much effort into sulking as hugging. Could it be he acts these things to ease his selfish path?

I think you need to get yourself to Spain and meet some genuinely nice builders!

OP, are your finances totally separate? Any form of financial link between you (credit cards, joint account etc) will have a disastrous effect on your credit rating.

I have my life to run -I can't be constantly nagging him about things like this.

Indeed you can't: it's his responsibility. If he fucks up, he fucks up. You can't save him, and it's not your job.

You can save yourself, though. That one is your responsibility.

Gruff, I never post in relationships and am no expert, but I was you about 15 years ago, living with a man with similar issues (he had never lived in a commune but essentially let his parents run his life) and I had to endure the same tactics, silent treatment, avoidance, passive aggression, ignoring issues. It took a long time for it to dawn on me what situation I was in, but I got out soon afterwards, and I think you need to take some time for yourself to look at this objectively. Perhaps get away for a weekend with a family member or friend? It might take a while for you to make a decision, but you won't change him, so this now becomes about you and what you want from your life.

OP is clearly not going to leave... shame really but what can anyone do?

Good luck op :)