DP wants to buy food seperately

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

Awwwww blinking :(
He's 47. How much changing do you think he's going to do?

It's hard to break up, no one says it's an easy thing to do. But why don't you sort the practicalities of living apart, and see if the relationship is worth pursuing once you are not 'tied' by living arrangements.

There are no children, and you are young with plans for your future. You don't owe him anything. He is not putting into the relationship, so why do you think he should be able to take out?

Maybe there is a load of 'good stuff' that we can't see. We can't see it cause you haven't posted it.

But the picture we have got is so clear cut. You will be able to live your life so much happier without him in it :(

OP -

1. Can you see yourself at 50 with this man ?
2. If you do want children, can you envisage him as their father ?
3. Does he make you happy ?

If the answers to the above are, as I suspect, No No and No - why waste any longer on the relationship ? If the inevitable result is that you will split up, why drag it out any longer ?

You could be missing out on missing a gorgeous, sexy, kind, organic food loving man who will treat you like a queen by dragging out this relationship that is heading nowhere. Is that what you want ?

What will happen when you're ill?

What will happen when you're pregnant?

Are you pregnant??

What will happen when you've had no sleep for 3 months, baby's got colic and your car breaks down?

Forgive my making assumptions based on your thread, but I doubt your current partner will be there tending to your every need and lulling the baby to sleep.

Gruff, I just wanted to say, I totally understand what you are feeling when you say "but the thought of not giving it another go makes me feel so sad".

In your situation I believe that one of the hardest things of all is admitting you were wrong about the person you have chosen to spend your life with. I know because I have been there too, and I think so have many other posters here.

You know the saying "Youth is wasted on the young"? Well that's what they are all telling you ...now that we're old enough to look back and regret our wasted time in going-nowhere relationships, we're yelling at you to get out and enjoy your lovely young life.

Being big enough to admit that you were wrong about this guy will be the beginning of having enough energy to steer you out of this situation and into something better.

I know that it's easier to stay and give it another go, especially when you feel tired and it's cold outside, and you don't want a big upheaval, and it's easier to keep your pain to yourself, but the only person you are cheating is yourself.

It's a classic female trait to think we can fix these things. The truth is we don't need to.

I am 43 OP

And just as cutteduppear so wisely said. Been there, done that, moved on.

I honestly don't understand your vow to "try again"

Try what ?

He is giving you the silent treatment so you have decided to "try again" ?

"trying again" usually involves a discussion between two people, who see where things are going wrong and both vow to try and put it right

in your scenario "trying again" means pushing your gut feelings down, appeasing a manipulative man, and losing even more of yourself

it's not going to work

You need to get this ended,and ended quickly OP.

I certainly don't fall into the usual "leave him immediately" camp but jesus wept this blokes a manipulative arsehole.

I don't care what other features he has. Nothing could redeem the bad traits he exhibits. You're wasting your life,no if's no but's.

AF is right. By 'try again' you mean 'choose to put up with it and hope it doesn't get an worse'.

OP, its only two years, better than wasting two more

Oh my God. I think I know this man. About 15/20 years ago I knew a Buddhist monk who broke his vows to conduct a relationship with my friend who dropped out of university to live in a commune with him. He was a freeloader and a hypocritical tosser then. Would love to know if it was the same person.

Definitely leave him and find someone who wants to share with you and appreciates what he has when he has it.

Gruff, I'm sure you're not anywhere near dying, but this is an interesting and quick read...

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

Blinking - How long did you live in the commune for? Is the house rented or did you buy it? Could you stay with your Dad for a little while?

27 is so much younger than you realise right now :)

You have your whole life ahead of you - you should make the most of it. You can spend a few years just being you - living free of a commune, free of being with a very odd man, just being you and still have plenty of time to meet a lovely tomato buying, food loving, man to have a family with.

It's sad to see someone who was clearly a lovely vibrant person being so downtrodden by the commune and her partner.

I know that 2 years seems like a long time, but really, it's not. Life is short, don't waste it with this man, who at almost 50, still hasn't grown up.

good god...

when i was 27..

i had my own car. it was crap, but i loved driving it. i lived in a shared house, with a top mate..

my 27th birthday was an unrelenting tide of joy, i partied hearty with my friends, we shared booze, food, stories, we laughed and laughed and talked into the small hours - i was surrounded by beautiful, charming men. men who wanted to talk to me.

when off work, i could go anywhere, do anything so long as money allowed...i really wish this time could have lasted longer...but i was pregnant by the end being 28. i don't regret that, but still...

i may now be a boring housewife who normally attends the kind of parties where children have fun, and adults wait.Totally invisible. That kind of moment is gone, and gone forever, but at least i have a bloke who is happy to be boring with me, eat the same food, takes equal responsibility for the finances etc.. i don't worry about phone calls from creditors.

your man is never going to do this. he isn't going to be Mr Right. But you don't need Mr Right in the here and now......

you need to be enjoying being 27! and there are much more fun ways to encounter Mr Wrong than having him grouch at you whilst eating like a Mr Man.

that life - that happy independent you - that could be a really short time away. if you get pregnant by this man he will leave you (too 'boring') or you will kick him out when he bankrupts you, or drives you to distraction by being the other child in the house.

OP - you sound like you have a couple of traits that could make you a great friend and lover but have the potential to destroy you when you choose the wrong friend and lover.
Firstly - you find it dreadfully difficult to tolerate seeing hurt in others, Secondly - you seem quite starved of care and affection so you wildly appreciate small gestures of kindness and use them to discount all the times and ways you are not treated well.
I feel sad for you - these ways of being have left you vulnerable.

May I suggest that you give yourself a week and don't try consciously to make any decisions in that time, nor to talk things out with him. I suspect you may feel a little bit like some of us are nagging you, reiterating the same advice over and over. Just watch your relationship like a participant-observer in an anthropology study. Gather information with an open mind. Sometimes decisions aren't made as such, they emerge if you let them, whether that is to stay or go.

But please do use proper contraception if you have sex.

BTW I gave it one more go...and another... and another....I do have 2 lovely kids, now adults, plus a history of (I believe) largely unnecessary mh problems. I will also be a divorced woman in a couple of weeks.

Soon this brown, eggy, farty, miserable get is going to have nose hair. Loads of it. And still smoke dope and forget to pay the electricity bill.

Oh no, he won't forget, because you won't trust him to pay it. Welcome to motherhood. Without a baby.

Oh OP
I know you're not ready to leave. So don't. But look at your life up to now, think about what has got you to this place and why you would be happy with having so few of your needs met.
I experienced bone-crushing fear at the thought of leaving my relationship when I was your age. And when it did end I was devastated and jumped into another relationship after a month. Healthy, well-balanced people don't do that. I should have stayed on my own. It would have been excruciating but I'd have got there.

But...I don't regret it. I've learned massive amounts about myself and relationships and I've still young enough to enjoy life now I've got rid of the desperate need to sink myself into crappy relationships.

I deserved better, but I didn't believe it at the time, so i settled.

Are you settling, OP? Because the more you get out in the world and enjoy yourself the more you're going to see the massive gulf between you.

Have you started to pity him yet? Because you will.

"but the thought of not giving it another go makes me feel so sad".

You need to ask yourself exactly why you think that; whatever happened to you in your past to think that the above mindset is at all acceptable?. You're just setting yourself up for yet more pain.

The above too is yet another emotionally based reason as to why so many women stay in unsuitable relationships for too long along with fear, shame and embarrassment. They also think such men will change - er no. He's now 47 as well.

I can all too clearly see what he gets out of it (he has a young, nubile housemate and to him you are someone he can easily manipulate) but you, what do you get out of this so called relationship?. As a cohabitee your legal position is really poor as well.

Real World can be scary but better making the leap into the unknown rather than wasting another two years on this user.

What are you getting from this relationship, OP?

I think if he was 25 it would be worth giving it another go, but 45 and still behaving like this means he wont ever change.

It's just so sad to see this happening time after time.

After I split up with Mistake No.2 - a friend told me "You deserve so much better." We all know that's a cliché but the thing is: it was new to me. I really hadn't thought in terms of what I deserved, except in terms of punishment. As Attila has said, the cause of that goes back to my childhood. It only took the one little comment, though, to make me realise I am worth more than the half-hearted attentions of a user.

Another way of looking at it - which a friend also pointed out for me - is that some of us are very good at giving love. All in all, it's a valuable quality and is why we have nice friends! But there are also people gifted at taking love. Mistake2 is one of them. So's your boyfriend. People who love 'well' deserve each other. Someone should be loving you with all the patience, consideration and good humour you give out. This man doesn't, because he can't. Sad but there you go. You, meanwhile, deserve the kind of love that you give out.

It took me 45 years to learn this. I'd rather you did it in 27.

I've read this thread and I can't work out why anyone would want to be with this man, his contribution to the "relationship"seems to be the bare minimum for a passing acquaintance, while you seem to be the domestic help.

What has happened to you growing up that makes you think that this is the best you can do, or is satisfactory in any way?

Please find some friends with a strong mutually supporting relationship so you can realise why this man is so awful and why you really need to find someone nice, who likes you, and wants to enjoy life with you.

I never normally say this on these threads but please get out of there and don't waste any more of your youth on this loser.

Gruff, I cannot do better than what garlicfrother says a few posts ago.
The concept of being worth more then this is really worth applying to yourself.
It also took me over 40 years to work it out, I'm thinking a lot of the posters here could put their hands up as guilty also.

You sound beautiful, genuine, kind and intelligent. There is work for you to do in the world, and it isn't holding the hand of a selfish 47 yr old. The Monk will cope without you just fine.