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Original poster

DP wants to buy food seperately

539 replies

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 30/01/2012 20:37

Me and DP have lived together for 2 years but for the first year and a half we lived in a commune with 30 other people with a cooking rota.
Now we live in a cottage together (since last September) he is really annoying me, he wants us to buy our own food and do our own shopping.
But when I come home from work I find that he has been eating my food so I go to get breakfast and its gone.
It really pisses me off that he refuses to shop with me but when I'm out, he eats all my (good quality) food.
What can I do?
Tonight we got into a silly argument, I said look I want to start shopping together for food and he got angry saying you eat my pea nut butter and my bread, so petty ad juvenile. But I'm starting to resent him eating my food whilst refusing to pay for any of it AHHH help!

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 01/02/2012 13:22

Ending a relationship is going to be tough.... So ask yourself this:

Do I see myself settling down and having a family with this man?
Does he respect me, show me kindness and consideration?
Do I respect him?
Do we share values and want the same things in life?
What does he contribute to the relationship? (practically, emotionally, financially, sexually)
How do infer
When I'm around him? How do I feel when I'm not?

tribpot · 01/02/2012 13:49

Honestly, Gruff - it'd be worth you reading Last Chance Saloon, we mentioned it up thread. There really are shades of the appalling Thomas in this thread. It takes his gf a while to see the wood for the trees - her friends have long since given up hope of her actually ditching him.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/02/2012 13:51

That's spooky, Headagainstwall. XH used to call me "silly girl" as well, and I could never win an argument even when I did. He's 11 years older. We got together when I was in my early 20s and didn't split for 25 years (I am so stupidly stubborn in some respects, I was bloody going to make it work if it killed me, and we had DCs). So he was still calling me "silly girl" when I was nearly 50.

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/02/2012 14:02

Can you tell us what his good points are?
He must have some, surely, or you wouldn't still be in this relationship.

suzikettles · 01/02/2012 14:18

Look op. You want to have children, yes? And you would obviously never have them with this guy because that would be insane, yes?.

Now, you're only 27 but there's things you want to do, and people to meet and fun to have, and if this guy was helping you with any of these things then maybe fair enough, but he's NOT!

Please finish it now. This week. Start the rest of your life now and don't waste any more time and thought on him.

There are good, decent women out there who wasted a decade or more of their lives on useless men, because it was ok sometimes, or they didn't want to be alone, or it was too hard, or it was complicated. Don't be one of them.

gramercy · 01/02/2012 14:35

A skinflint is a skinflint - however they dress it up.

I had a flatmate who said she never used loo roll so wouldn't buy any. ???!!!!??? She must have had a magic self-cleaning bum. She also hovered over my Sunday paper every week but when I had flu wouldn't go out and buy one because she said she never read it. After that I used to read the paper then bury it in the bin. After five minutes I'd see her scrabbling in the bin picking old take away etc off the paper in order to read it.

Now this was a flatmate, not a partner. How could you invest time and emotional effort in someone so mean ?

By the way, I know the OP's life is not a soap opera, but I've laughed out loud at this thread, especially when it transpired the bloke's a monk...

BalloonSlayer · 01/02/2012 17:08

I was amused to the reference to Marian Keyes' Tara and Tom earlier in the thread.

As luck would have it, last night I got out a book at random to show DS how you paragraph speech. It was "Lucy Sullivan is getting married."

I ended up reading it and got to the bit when Lucy at last sees Gus for what he is: a drunken, boring, freeloader (though the reader has been able to see it all along).

The bit in the pub, when he persuades her to cash a cheque for £50, £10 of which he uses to pay off a debt of his own, then when she gets cross turns both wheedling and aggressive and: "starts singing "Imagine," but only the "Imagine no possessions" line" really made me think of this thread.

Worth a read, OP.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 01/02/2012 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/02/2012 19:33

You know, if this thread fills up I think the next one should be called "Sex and tomatoes".

I might have suggested "Sex, tomatoes and peanut butter", but wouldn't want to be accused of being obsessed or anything.

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 19:35

or "Bad sex and cheap tomatoes - worth it in the long run?"

Anniegetyourgun · 01/02/2012 19:37

"Good sex and vine tomatoes" in the follow-up a few months later when she's found the man of her dreams, eh? :)

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 01/02/2012 19:42

I am struggling this eve.

Today, I woke up in the spare room, he was out last night when I went to sleep, when I woke up he was also out.

I got home from college at 3ish and he wasn't in, then when he came in he said hello how are you, I said fie how are you but in a disconnected way, I couldn't face him I feel guilty to put him through this.
He then went to bed as he works tonight, he was making some toast before he left and I stood in the kitchen just silently thinking I don't want to start a conversation because he will just walk out half way through to go to work and I will get worked up and just be left on my own.
I have a feeling a tidal wave of emotion is waiting for me and I don't know if I am brave enough to face it, Im tempted to just have a meeting with him, tell him everything I want changed and give it another shot I know Ill have no support or sympathy from any of you but the thought of not giving it another go makes me feel so sad. Sad
Anyway he is now ignoring me, we can't live like this arrrgh I can't bear this, I feel like I've taken this too far Sad

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 01/02/2012 19:49

If you want to try then you must try. You have to keep trying until YOU want to stop until YOU realise that it is futile to carry on.

izzyizin · 01/02/2012 19:49

I was searching for a thread I felt sure you'd posted in late summer of last year about your desire to leave the Buddhist commune you were living in and drag take him with you, but that he was proving less than enthusiastic about your plan.

I couldn't find that particular post but I stumbled upon this gem advice that you gave to another OP on the subject of contraception:

"one way is to leave contraception to him, I can't be on the pill or anything which involves putting hormones in to my system because it always makes me depressed, so I leave it up to DP to use a condom- 10 times out of 10 he wont do it and uses the hope for the best 'withdrawal method"

and on another thread you recommended the persona method (94% unproven reliable, endorsed by the Catholic Church??!!) for 'stress free sex'. Stress free? Don't you mean 'stressed out'?

For someone who has allegedly got an eye on Uni and wants to be a teacher, you're leaving a fuck of lot to chance, aren't you?

Unless he stays in hiding there's no prizes for guessing the turn your future posts will take, and you're likely to have a lot more on your mind than a pot of peanut butter, soft toilet tissue, and his stinky egg farts.

And there was me thinking 'jeez, this gal sounds far too smart to be shacked up with a wrinkly old tight arsed loser like him'...

I'm shock proof but even so... Shock

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 19:49

Just end it. What is this meeting going to consist of? I need you to change

  1. Your selfish sexual behaviour 2)Your ultra-meaness
  2. Your lack of honour
  3. Your utter uselessness with money (putting it kindly)
  4. Your lack of self-awareness
  5. Your eating habits
  6. Your total disrespect of me as a human being?

Yes, that'll work. Except it won't, because in order for him to achieve the above he would need to become a completely different person and he SEES NO NEED TO CHANGE. Why not save yourself some pain by just trying to meet someone who is all of the above. You know the saying "you can't polish a turd?" I think that this applies here.

CupOfBrownJoy · 01/02/2012 19:50

That isn't a relationship, OP. Its fucking weird.

But if its what you want, and you're happy with it (which you don't sound like you are, by the way), then that's your decision.

But its not normal, I can tell you that....

LadyBeagleEyes · 01/02/2012 19:53

I'm interested how you got into this relationship in the first place, Gruff.
You obviously want an 'alternative' life and there is no reason why you can't, but you don't need him.
You've grown out of him, think of how fun it'll be without him.

Original poster
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 01/02/2012 19:57

This is a polarized view of the many facets of our relationship and izy you're great! But I can't sit here and justify all my previous posts I want to deal with this issue in isolation, not justify how I felt & what I said last year with regs to contraception, or anything else.
Before this week, I was blind to how I felt I hadn't joined the dots I hadn't identified my relationship as the cause of my unhappiness, I had been sat on the sofa talking with DP about one day having babies so I'm sorry if I seem incongruous but some people weren't born with as much clarity as others.
I'm now crying and confused and I'm going to check out this evening and skype with my sister Sad

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/02/2012 19:58

OP - when you meet a nice man and have a lovely, loving and fun relationship you are going to look back in this and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Honestly you are.

I am willing to bet that your sadness is actually fear, of him yelling, of him guilt tripping you. Of living alone. Of the unknown. Once you do it though, it won't be unknown and your fear and sadness will be gone.

He won't change OP, and you know that deep down.

AllPastYears · 01/02/2012 19:58

I'm not sure why you're feeling "guilty to put him through this". His behaviour is totally bizarre, and he's not likely to change, is he, especially if he's in his 40's. You're not in a couple, you're housemates. Chores are a common complaint amongst comples, sure, but I've never heard of a couple that bought separate food.

Easier to get out now than in a year's time when you're pregnant, or you've got married, or bought a house.

CupOfBrownJoy · 01/02/2012 19:59

hope you feel better soon NotTheBLinkingGruffalo

A good chat with a sister/friend sounds like just what you need to get some clarity in the situation.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/02/2012 19:59

What does your sister think of him?

Anniegetyourgun · 01/02/2012 19:59

By all means try again if that's what you feel you should do. He won't change, I can tell you for nothing, but it's only decent to give another human being a chance. Just don't give him 20 years of chance and then realise your youth is gone and he's too old and sick from egg poisoning to leave. A few months eh? Call it a day if nothing's substantially improved by the summer?

He'll fall on his feet though, the natural freeloader always does. Sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable for a while until they find the next place to park their rump, is all. I can't help suspecting that a lot of the guilt you're feeling about "what you're putting him through" is all in your head. His actions as you describe them don't sound all that much like a man who's suffering.

OhdearNigel · 01/02/2012 20:02

WTF ? I cannot fathom how you be part of a cohabiting couple but buy your own food. [brain explodes]

OhdearNigel · 01/02/2012 20:08

Blimey OP ! I've just been reading Shock

Single life at 27 is wonderful. Living on your own at 27 is fantastic. Just think - every time you leave your strawberries and vine tomatoes unsupervised, they will still be there when you get home ! You can stay up as late as you like, do what you please with no muppet of a weirdo partner to answer to

Oh for the days when I lived alone....