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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What now? DH using online dating site. Again

88 replies

Ernestina · 28/01/2012 23:55

My DH is away on a trip. Before he went he'd been acting a bit strangely with his phone - hardly ever letting it out of his sight - and a few other things had made me feel suspicious.

So I had a snoop on his computer and he's visited a online dating site - a sex one. He did this two years ago (previous thread
here). I believed him when he said he hadn't used the site other than to "have a look".

We really worked at our relationship after that and I thought I'd forgiven him and moved on. But since he's been away a lot more with work (legitimately) I've realised I actually don't trust him at all and feel constantly suspicious.

I don't know where to go from here. Part of me can't even be arsed to confront him. I know he'll say he just had a quick look at the site then moved on and I really can't prove that's not true.

I'm pretty confused - I know some people see this type of behaviour as a minor misdemeanour anyway but it does feel like a real betrayal. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

Wittsend13 · 29/01/2012 00:20

I'm sorry for you. Really I am but, I think you know what you should do. For someone who tried "hard" to work at his relationship he's really learnt..

After being cheated on myself, I wouldn't allow it to happen again by giving him another chance.

mathanxiety · 29/01/2012 00:23

You have to ask yourself if a relationship with a partner who is not trustworthy is one you can live with.

I had an experience very early on in my marriage with exH using a phone sex line (long, long ago), and the next time something like that happened (this time he told me himself about a fling with a trollop he met in a 'chat room') the earlier experience came back before my eyes as if it had happened that morning. exH had forgotten all about it. I had forgiven but hadn't forgotten. I felt like even more of a fool second time round than the first, and when exH, who said the fling was a once off, never would happen again etc., was afterwards discovered by me to be signed on to dating sites, downloading porn, etc., on the computer I felt incredibly angry, not just at the infidelity but the lies. It was the lies that did him in in the end, including the massive one revealed by the gay porn.

If you can't be arsed to confront him is it out of anger/ knowing the truth and not wishing to be further insulted by a lie, or resignation/ a sense that 'boys will be boys' -- or maybe the wind has been knocked out of your sails and you don't think you could put two words together coherently?

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 00:24

Game over for me, sorry

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2012 00:28

In your position I would be seeing a solicitor before he got back from his trip, and not letting him back in the house.

SantieMaggie · 29/01/2012 00:29

over for me too i'm.afraid.

Wittsend13 · 29/01/2012 00:30

Oh and I'd print out the evidence just in case you ever need it.

Original poster

Ernestina · 29/01/2012 00:37

I can't see myself throwing it all away over this.

Tbh I'm too tired to think straight. I just know whatever I say he'll talk his way out of it and it'll look like I'm being silly. And he'll never admit to anything I can't prove. Almost wish I could afford a private detective...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ernestina · 29/01/2012 00:38

Wittsend I have screen shots

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2012 00:45

Throwing what away?

A marriage where you don't trust your husband, and where he clearly has no respect for you?

I don't consider that much 'all'.

FetchezLaVache · 29/01/2012 00:47

There have been a lot of similar threads recently and some really good advice was given on one of them. If you try to sign in to the site using your DH's email address but click "forgot password", if it comes up with something to the effect of "this email address is not registered with this site", you'll know he's not actually signed up to the site, whereas if it sends off a password reminder email, you'll know that he has, so you'll know he's lying if he tells you he just had a look but didn't actually join. Perhaps someone with more techy knowledge would be able to tell you if there's any way of knowing how long he's spent on the site, how many times he's visited, etc, which would also give you an idea of whether it's a quick look or something more serious.

Hattytown · 29/01/2012 01:29

Reading your previous thread OP, you had some truly terrible advice last time, about this being a minor blip, he was just being curious and suggesting that you should just get on and shag him .

But you also had some great advice about dealing with the root of the problem, or it would come back to haunt you again.

As it has.

If you cannot see now that your H is repeatedly trying to meet women for sex and has probably done so during the last 2 years at the very least, I just cannot fathom what would make you wake up and see what's happening.

You don't need a private detective. Married men go on to dating sites in order to meet women who will have sex with them. There are no other reasons.

If you're going to bury this yet again, have a STI test and practise safer sex and be prepared for an absolutely shit life.

izzyisin · 29/01/2012 01:38

Hatty's just taken the words out of my mouth.

By all means choose not to 'throw it all away', but at least protect your health by making regular trips to your local sti clinic after you've engaged in sexual relations with your h.

And please don't assume that you only need to get sti tests done after he's been away from home because men like him frequently shit on their own doorsteps.

BayPolar · 29/01/2012 04:44

Throwing what away?

Stay then but live a miserable life with somebody you cannot trust.

In my world, at the first sniff of my guy even thinking about looking at porn, I'd be off on my merry way. I am child-free, so it's easy for me to do.

I cannot respect any man, or woman, for that matter, who uses porn.
Not when the real world is so rich and rewarding, if you seek it, that is.
Porn disgusts me to the core.

He he he. Rant over.

Original poster

Ernestina · 29/01/2012 08:11

Hattytown- I thought we had dealt with it. We had some counselling at relate which I thought had got us back on track. I've hardly thought about any of it in two years- I thought things were going ok considering we're at the "young children" stage of our lives.

We have another dc, who I've just managed to get into his own room (both my children have been poor sleepers) and was thinking we might start to rev up our sex life now we have our bedroom back. Not thinking that now.

He is back today. I might bide my time on this one as I've got a big project to get done this week and I can't deal with the emotional fallout right now.

I'd really appreciate any advice the wise people of mumsnet can give me. "Leave the fucker" is all very well and good but there are lots of practical (as well as emotional) reasons why that's a bad idea for me right now.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/01/2012 08:27

If you are only going to bide your time until your project finishes, the only advice I can give is to get tested for STDs, keep copies of everything (finances as well as screenshots), get some legal advice so that you know where you stand financially and legally.

I really do hope you will not take him back

EggInABap · 29/01/2012 08:34

I'd put a keylogger on the PC to gather more evidence. Maybe he did just click on it, maybe he's looking for sex elsewhere. If he's unlikely to be honest when questioned you need to dig deeper. I'd want to be 100% sure.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/01/2012 08:52

i don't see what anyone can say if you are determined you want to stay with someone like this who has proved this is how they will act even explicitly knowing it hurts you, after having had a crisis over it already and having been to counselling. what would you like to hear - some magic way of changing who he is?

if you choose to stay with him you are choosing a life with someone you cannot trust and does not love or respect you anywhere near enough.

if you know you couldn't leave him then there probably is no point even discussing it because why should he listen to you? why would he change? if he knows you're never going to do anything about it then he will carry on.

but yes you should probably make sure you use condoms every time you have sex with him fully mindful that he may well be having it somewhere else and you should get tested in case he has already infected you with something.

are you sure you can stomach a life like that?

watchoutforthatsnail · 29/01/2012 08:58

ah, i remember the gut wrenching feeling well. My ex husband used to do the same. Constantly.
Everytime i thought we had managed to move on, and i had gotten over it, i would find evidence again. The lies, the bare faced lies.
Clearly you dont want to leave, and thats your choice. Its scary to think of that, and all that it entails, and the feelings it brings as well.

Eventually i came to the point ( three weeks after discovering a secret email account containing pics of him having sex with another woman), that i decided that that was not the life i wanted to lead. I could not contine to be treated like absolute shit, i could not stand by while my self estem was erroded any more, while my self worth fell by the wayside every time i discovered what he was up to. I would not let him ruin our daughters life by teaching her this was how relationships were, how women should be treated.

Yes, it was hard, in fact it was fucking difficult. It was, however, the best thing i have ever done. My only regrett is that i stayed with him so long, made so many excuses for him, and forgave the unforgivable.

You need to think - when you have the time, what you want, this is YOUR life, you dont get to live it again.

Newtothisstuff · 29/01/2012 09:21

coccyx · 29/01/2012 09:28

Poor you, husband met up with a woman off one of these sites last year. He knows i will not be with him if he does anything like this again. I am suspicious, told him I will check up on him and ask lots of questions if i am concerned! he understands and goes overboard telling me where he is etc.
I If you don't want to leave you need to tell him what you know and will not tolerate it

Original poster

Ernestina · 29/01/2012 09:53

Newtothisstuff- that's a brilliant idea, thanks. He definitely couldn't deny it then.

Snail- your situation sounds awful- glad you've moved on. Pics of him having sex with someone else would be a total dealbreaker, no question.

I might be coming across as a bit of a mug but I promise you I'm not. Really don't want to reveal too much that could out me in RL, but even if I decide to kick dh out, there are really good financial reasons to stay with him at least until my eldest starts school in September. It would be near on impossible for me to work if we split now.

OP posts:

ABatInBunkFive · 29/01/2012 10:00

He'd just say he he had a quick look at the site and moved on

My DH doesn't feel the need to have a quick look at a dating site. Why would that be an excuse you accepted? Or do you mean he'd make you out to be the unreasonable one?

ABatInBunkFive · 29/01/2012 10:01

Oh and as for you honeytrapping him, why couldn''t he deny that? After all he knew it was you and played along.....

MardyArsedMidlander · 29/01/2012 10:09

If you confront him with all the evidence in the world- if you're not going to leave him, and you've already been through counselling- what's the point?

purpleroses · 29/01/2012 10:16

If you look at the history files on his computer you will be able to tell whether he's visited the site just once or every day. You can even see how often during a day. Might be useful to know. In those circumstances, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty about snooping.

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