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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What now? DH using online dating site. Again

88 replies

Ernestina · 28/01/2012 23:55

My DH is away on a trip. Before he went he'd been acting a bit strangely with his phone - hardly ever letting it out of his sight - and a few other things had made me feel suspicious.

So I had a snoop on his computer and he's visited a online dating site - a sex one. He did this two years ago (previous thread
here). I believed him when he said he hadn't used the site other than to "have a look".

We really worked at our relationship after that and I thought I'd forgiven him and moved on. But since he's been away a lot more with work (legitimately) I've realised I actually don't trust him at all and feel constantly suspicious.

I don't know where to go from here. Part of me can't even be arsed to confront him. I know he'll say he just had a quick look at the site then moved on and I really can't prove that's not true.

I'm pretty confused - I know some people see this type of behaviour as a minor misdemeanour anyway but it does feel like a real betrayal. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

Heleninahandcart · 31/01/2012 00:46

OP he may not have been unfaithful in RL. Yet.

Lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say he isn't going on these sites with the sole purpose of getting a woman to have sex with

First it's curiosity, a little walk on the seedy side. Then comes the testing of the waters, the realisation that some women might even be up for it.

He's lapping up the attention now. He's the man! Starts to be a little critical of DW.

Then the flirting, the sex chat, sex texts and wanking at the thought of it.
Followed by wanking on cam. To a RL woman, probably whilst his DW is elsewhere in the house.

The only reason he won't have had sex in RL is he hasn't yet found a woman willing to do it. It would only be a matter of time OP.

Hattytown · 31/01/2012 01:18

Given that this has been going on for at least 2 years Helena and both times he's been caught it's been on dating sites (in 2010 spending 60+ quid to join) I would have thought that he would have found someone to have sex with by now.

izzyisin · 31/01/2012 01:47

As Hatty's said, this is a little bit more than 'a little walk on the seedy side' Helena.

The OP's h is hip deep in sleaze, but at least forewarned is forearmed and she can hopefully take steps to avoid the indignities of sti tests and the like.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 11:22

oh dear

jenny60 · 31/01/2012 11:29

OP: he has already ripped your family apart.

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 11:43

as far as I can tell men looking for hookups on casual dating sites rarely get lucky, in part because of the gender imbalance, typically there are 10 men to every one woman

Hattytown · 31/01/2012 12:10

Men do get lucky though, especially on sites where they have to pay to join (like the OP's H did 2 years ago)

Dating sites are also full of married men and women who either lie about their status or hope that they find a match with someone who either doesn't care or ignores all the signs.

There are also sites specifically for married and attached people to form liaisons.

If people didn't 'get lucky' on dating sites, there wouldn't be so many threads on this one site, about the fall-out from it.

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 12:16

I'm not saying it cant happen but alot of guys give up or just settle for using online interaction as fuel for masturbatory fantasies.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 12:29

oh, that makes it ok then

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 12:36

I didnt express an opinion...just pointed out that it's not easy for men to find casual sex online

QuintessentialyHollow · 31/01/2012 12:36

It is not you ripping your little boys life apart, it is your scumbag of a husband. Some role-model you will let your child grow up with?

Hattytown · 31/01/2012 12:39

It has truly never been easier for men (and women for that matter) to find casual sex partners.

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 12:42

it is easier, but still much easier for women, I speak from experience of casual sex sites, the men outnumber the women by 10 to 1

QuintessentialyHollow · 31/01/2012 12:42

If he is signed up with Badoo, for example, and have an iphone, he wont need to go to much effort with email or phone to make arrangements. There is an app that will tell you once you are in the vicinity of people who are "up for it". It is all in matching profiles.... Finding casual sex has never been easier.

LiarsWife · 31/01/2012 12:43

My STBXH convinced me that he wasn't having an affair as well ... when did he have the time???

Turned out it had been going on for AT least 8 months!!

What does your gut tell you? Mine told me he was at it and I let him convince me that I was being paranoid .. please don't make the same mistake!

Do you really believe him with all of your heart or are you hanging on in there for the easy (for now) option??

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 12:48

it may be easy to find profiles of women who are (in theory) 'up for it'
What actually happens is that women are flooded with offers for casual sex, men have to beg, plead, cajole, and will often be stood up, ignored or rejected

Hattytown · 31/01/2012 12:50

But by the simple law of averages, you'd have found at least one person in 2 years, wouldn't you?

PosieParker · 31/01/2012 12:50

You are not throwing anything away OP, your husband is.

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 12:57

I guess he probably would have found someone after 2 years of trying!
Many of these sites are free to women, but men have to pay.
The sites give the impression that a bloke can easily find an attractive woman who wants to have no strings sex with him 'tonight'

It's just not like that most of the time.
A few women might be up for that kind of thing but most of the women using the sites will want to spend a while messaging or e-mailing before agreeing to meet him.
Not meet for sex...meet to see if she fancies him, probably she wont, and in any case she'll have lots of other offers to consider

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 13:02

Isn't it simply the intent that is the problem here ?

Why are we discussing whether the women are really up for it ?

The fact is, he used the sites.

You either accept that, or you don't

lovesadirtylie · 31/01/2012 13:05

apologies for wandering off topic! :)

AnyFucker · 31/01/2012 13:06

and Op has accepted it

again

< sigh >

so all this is academic

Hattytown · 31/01/2012 13:07

Yes but men and women are no different. I am not suggesting that the sexes have a different agenda when they go on these sites. Lots of men enjoy all the subterfuge and the build-up too, otherwise there wouldn't be so many 'sexting affairs' - just as lots of women prefer to cut to the chase and arrange a sex meeting. One of the biggest misunderstandings about extra-curricular liaisons in my view, is that men are after sex and women are after lurve.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2012 15:59

I wonder what constitutes Real Life.

In Real Life, this man sat on a real chair and typed on a real keypad, looked at a real screen, had real thoughts and a real sense of excitement, spent real money in order to get to do all of that.

In other words, he went out looking for trouble and temptation. The real thoughts in his real head were not focused on his marriage or how his wife and the mother of his children would feel if she knew.

OP, are your feelings real or important for you?

Original poster

Ernestina · 31/01/2012 21:46

Right, sorry to drip feed but I've had a lot on. Didn't want to go into too many details because dh knows I use Mumsnet but here goes...

The sites I found were in the list of cookies. He made the very good point that we wouldn't have cleared the cookies EVER so they're still there from the original time he used the websites, two years ago. I have now cleared the cookies so if he were to use the sites again I'd know, not that I think he's going to.

He also basically said the same as lovesadirtylie - that I'm assuming that he would be able to find someone who wants to have sex with him and that a man with a wife and children is hardly a great catch (true, no?)

I agree that the intention behind using the sites is bad enough, even without any actual infidelity, which is why it was good to talk things through with my dh. He is v understanding of my concerns and has suggested a range of things he can do to regain my trust (even offering to allow me to track him via the GPS on his phone).

To explain further, our relationship is not in a good place partly because both our professions were deeply affected by the recession and it's only in recent months that we've been able to get beyond just surviving and actually begin to enjoy life again.

Hope that explains things a bit better but please feel free to continue to slate me and my choices

OP posts:

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