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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now? DH using online dating site. Again

88 replies

Ernestina · 28/01/2012 23:55

My DH is away on a trip. Before he went he'd been acting a bit strangely with his phone - hardly ever letting it out of his sight - and a few other things had made me feel suspicious.

So I had a snoop on his computer and he's visited a online dating site - a sex one. He did this two years ago (previous thread
here). I believed him when he said he hadn't used the site other than to "have a look".

We really worked at our relationship after that and I thought I'd forgiven him and moved on. But since he's been away a lot more with work (legitimately) I've realised I actually don't trust him at all and feel constantly suspicious.

I don't know where to go from here. Part of me can't even be arsed to confront him. I know he'll say he just had a quick look at the site then moved on and I really can't prove that's not true.

I'm pretty confused - I know some people see this type of behaviour as a minor misdemeanour anyway but it does feel like a real betrayal. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Ooohmygiddyaunt · 29/01/2012 10:38

Ernestina the bottom line is that it comes down to two options: you can stay or you can leave. You've already said you don't want to leave. Now I'm not for a minute making any judgement wrt that choice, I realise that leaving is incredibly painful and difficult, especially when you've had your self esteem worn down by your partners behaviour. You sound so tired Sad

It is my own personal opinion that repeated infidelity or behaviour of this nature (accessing dating sites e.t.c.) is a form of emotional abuse. The effects are the same as being constantly put down and belittled: anxiety, fear, erosion of self-worth, massive imbalance of power within the relationship causing the wronged partner be be constantly on the back foot and trying to second guess the other.

Keep an open mind about your options. It doesn't have to be like this.

watchoutforthatsnail · 29/01/2012 10:56

ermestine - yes, it was quite awful. But its no different than your situation. Do you know if he has any secret email accounts? I would have never of guessed mine did. All i knew was the repeated dating sites which he always claimed were ' just having a look' ' i was bored' ' nothng to do with me, must be spam' ' my mate did it for a laugh' ' it was to set a mate up' etc... etc... probably all the things you have heard.

I chose to belive them, becuse like you are feeling right now, i didnt want it to be true and couldnt imagine what i might do. leaving him would have made myself homeless, miles and miles and miles away from any family, with no job and no support. So - while i can understand. If you want to get out, you can get out.

The point is, the situation is probably not going to improve. Hes done it before, hes aware of the hurt and what it did to your marriage. You have been to relate. And yet he is still doing it. Do you really want your life to be like this 30 years from now? Because without a doubt it will continue.

But its your choice.

jenny60 · 29/01/2012 11:44

Sorry OP, this is awful. I don't want to sound mean at what must be a horrible time, but santa is right. What do you think you will find here? He did it once, he did it again, what more proof do you need that he is not to be trusted? Why set up any more traps? You have your evidence and now you really do have two options: put up with it or leave.

something2say · 29/01/2012 12:04

Ernestine I think you should take your time to let it settle in you and then see how you feel.

From what you wrote in your op, you are very upset and distressed and untrusting of him, and not sure you like him or can understand your relationship anymore.

The immediate jump to 'Leave him!' is too far. I would say let the shock sink in and take it from there.

Splitting up is a process in my experience. You may have taken the first step. That first step is scary, and many back off from doing it, but the place you have to back off to reveals itself to be a bad place, and you know you have to go. I for one will be reading if it comes to this in a few weeks. x x x

Hattytown · 29/01/2012 12:30

You mention going to Relate as though that should have solved everything.

Meh.....I bet all Relate did was make you scrutinise your relationship to death to see 'what was missing' for him to go on these sites - that is if he ever told the truth to the counsellor (and you) that he would have met women for sex if you hadn't busted him - and probably already had.

What I don't suppose ever came out in your Relate sessions was that he's addicted to the buzz of sex with new people.

Well now you know.

Your relationship could be incredible and he would still do it. Which leaves you nowhere to go other than getting out or staying to put up with more of the same.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 12:34

I second what Hatty says

she has it nailed

OP, get yourself a STD test

then if you carry on sleeping with your H, insist on the use of condoms

I wouldn't trust this man with his ^own6 sexual health, so I certainly wouldn't trust him with mine

if you think it's a good bet to stay with a man who does this, then you need all the protection in the world

something2say · 29/01/2012 12:43

Anyfucker may I ask why you are so finite with people? Let the woman end her marriage and split up the family in her own time! She will, we all do don't we. In the end.

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/01/2012 12:43

So sorry you are going through this. I really think you should get out while your children are young. I grew up with a dad who constantly had affairs and a mum who turned a blind eye to them for an 'easy life' (in reality it's a much harder life than if she'd kicked him out). Your children will start to realise what is going on once they get a bit older and it will affect them.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 12:50

Something , of course the OP will always take what they need from a thread and do what suits them

they have asked for a range of opinions by posting here

oh, and perhaps you should ask everyone else on this thread the same question who have said exactly the same thing as I have

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/01/2012 13:16

something2say - may i ask why you single out AF? she's said no different than several others of us.

OP - the trouble with the advice saying let him know you won't put up with it is that unless you are willing to put up with it and he will know it unless you find the resolution that you could and will leave if this is the way it is going to be. it's all very well people saying let him know you won't put up with it but what does that mean? if someone knows you will not leave them they know they can do whatever they like.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 13:26

santa, at least something was polite about it Smile

brdgrl · 29/01/2012 13:39

can only agree with what hatty has said. This isn't another stop on the line, OP, this is the end of the line - your 'shit or get off the pot' moment. Yes, it is hard and yes it may be a particularly bad time to have to deal with it, and yes there are undoubtably practical issues - but you know what? You're in this spot, as surely as if a hurricane had just ripped through your house. You can't just keep on going as though it had not happened and deal with it when things are a bit less chaotic. You either make a change, or you admit that you aren't going to make a change. It sounds in your posts that you are not going to leave, now or ever, because honestly - what would be the dealbreaker for you?

Not unsympathetic, but think you need to give yourself a good shake. YOu deserve a better life than this man will give you.

something, you say Let the woman end her marriage and split up the family in her own time! She will, we all do don't we. In the end.
Why on earth are you so ready to blame this woman as being the one who "splits up the family" - what is wrong with you? If she does leave, it will be because her husband has split up their family. Angry
Moreover, what do you mean by "we all do"? All women split up their families? Confused

AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 13:54

I don't thnk all women do end their marriages over this, actually

Some women do accept their husband will continue to chase other women.

if they want to hang on to the material comforts and security of the marriage, the best they can do is make sure they are afforded the same amount of freedom to pursue their own sex life away from the marriage

an open relationship

that can work for some

sadly, there are another group of women who put up with a serially philandering husband and bury themselves in home/work/children etc

brdgrl · 29/01/2012 14:01

anyfucker yes, definitely -agreed... i just am not sure that was what something meant, she seemed to maybe be making a more general point about women in all relationships, but honestly i don't know what it was meant to be exactly, so perhaps i was reading too much into it.

At any rate, the language of 'splitting up the family' is unfair and offensive. Women who get their shit together and leave these men who have themselves destroyed the family through lies, cheating, abuse, etc etc - should not have to be burdened with the charge of 'splitting up the family' on top of everything else.

something2say · 29/01/2012 14:01

brdgirl, yes badly worded. But she may be the one to say enough is enough is what I meant. He has brought it to that obviously.

brdgrl · 29/01/2012 14:02

sorry - cross-posted!

ThisIsNotMyLife · 29/01/2012 14:33

I don't think that people who do this can change. Or at least, once they've cheated once in a relationship (and online dating sites are cheating) and been 'forgiven' they will do it again.

I caught DP on two seperate occasions over the years and I forgave him. I caught him again a few weeks ago with the added bonus that he'd starting using prostitutes. They only get worse am afraid.

Original poster
Ernestina · 29/01/2012 19:14

Thanks everyone for your posts, especially those who've been in a similar situation. I'd love to reply to points individually but dealing with kids and posting on phone.

I'm going to talk to him tonight. Feeling a bit sick.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2012 19:18

take care, love x

this isn't your fault, and you do not deserve this x

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/01/2012 19:34

good luck. deep breaths and try and remember what it is you want out of this conversation so you don't get derailed and backed into a corner defending yourself when you're not the one who has done wrong. guessing he will try to turn this on you somehow - overreacting, spying, no sex, whatever angle. watch out for it.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2012 18:32

Ernestina, ask yourself if there is ever a really good time to make that decision.

(The answer ime is that there never is, but that some decisions still must be made. You can work gradually towards ironing out the details, but once the decision is made, the rest is details.)

Original poster
Ernestina · 30/01/2012 20:36

We talked. I don't think he has been unfaithful in real life and we're not splitting up. We both want to work at things, even though our relationship is obviously in a pretty bad place.

Thanks all for your advice and support. I just can't rip my family apart and break my little boys' hearts over something that's happened in the "virtual world".

Maybe I'll live to regret it, maybe I won't.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 30/01/2012 21:34

Oh you will, of that there is no doubt.

Dating sites aren't a 'virtual world'. They are real people having real sex.

Your husband's respect for you must now be at zero, having forgiven him twice and believed yet another set of lies. He now knows you will put up with anything.

Your poor boys indeed....

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 21:48

and you're deluded if you thinking dragging this sorry mess out through their childhood won't 'break their hearts' more than mummy having the guts and self respect to get them out of there.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/01/2012 21:50

come on OP - at least be honest with yourself.

how are you going to 'work on it together' anyway you haven't already? what 'bad place' is your relationship in?

the only thing that would work is him stopping looking for sex with other women, the bad place is being with a man who won't stop looking for sex with other women.

it's not virtual - real adult human beings trying to hook up for sex or to wank together on the internet.

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