What now? DH using online dating site. Again

[Ernestina]

My DH is away on a trip. Before he went he'd been acting a bit strangely with his phone - hardly ever letting it out of his sight - and a few other things had made me feel suspicious.

So I had a snoop on his computer and he's visited a online dating site - a sex one. He did this two years ago (previous thread
here). I believed him when he said he hadn't used the site other than to "have a look".

We really worked at our relationship after that and I thought I'd forgiven him and moved on. But since he's been away a lot more with work (legitimately) I've realised I actually don't trust him at all and feel constantly suspicious.

I don't know where to go from here. Part of me can't even be arsed to confront him. I know he'll say he just had a quick look at the site then moved on and I really can't prove that's not true.

I'm pretty confused - I know some people see this type of behaviour as a minor misdemeanour anyway but it does feel like a real betrayal. Where do I go from here?

Hi Ernestina

I posted back in October and didn't like what people said to me either .. and do you know what? The ladies on here were spot on!

Hope it all works out for you ... and your husband manages to kick his habits

Hugs and best wishes xx

I think some people use online dating just to see if they can pull, when it comes down to actually going through with anything...well it all seems like too much hassle, with a slim chance of any reward.

I dont have any advice to offer Ernestina, but I hope things can be resolved for you:)

did you check the dates of the cookies, love ?

oh, now you can't because they've been wiped

he is goooood, isn't he

He also basically said the same as lovesadirtylie - that I'm assuming that he would be able to find someone who wants to have sex with him and that a man with a wife and children is hardly a great catch (true, no?)

wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry because I truly don't want to pile on and 'slate you and your choices', but I really have to ask you if this actually persuaded you of anything?
Do you want to take a poll of how many women on here have a partner, a "man with a wife and children", who managed somehow to find someone to screw him? Of how many women on here have screwed a man with a wife and children?
Do you honestly, honestly, think that that is some kind of...what? defence? proof that he won't cheat?

(and I am only addressing the fallacy of the argument, NOT the point that a man who doesn't cheat because he can't find anyone willing to, not because he wouldn't consider it is still a very very very bad man?)

the relationships board is full of married men wih dc who cheated on their wives

they must have done it with someone

He has done a number on you OP and you fell for it..

No doubt we will be seeing you back in a few months when he has been caught again.
Good luck--you will need it

nobody is slating you, op

we can see a liar much more easily when we are not in the thick of it, and have no emotional investment in believing the lies

good luck, and take care x

If the recession was to blame, why weren't you out tomcatting?

I disagree with the reasoning that no woman would be interested in a married man with children. There are some really shameless trollops out there, and the fact that a man is tied to someone else is a big part of the attraction. There is little or no risk of emotional complications and the promise of the odd nice dinner, maybe an occasional gift of jewellery, etc. There is also the ego trip that a settled married man represents to many a woman out there in the strange little world of 'married but looking'. Basically, for these women they are in it for the thrill of the hunt and bagging a married man means she has something wifey doesn't.

Same goes for the online world of married men looking for gay f*&kbuddies. Married men are seen as a safer bet than gay men who are out there in the world of clubs and bars because they are tied, the risk of emotional complications is low, and there is the satisfaction of doing something wifey can't with the man bagged in this way.

So no, not true.

If you have arrived at an understanding of what constitutes 'actual infidelity' and it seems you have that you can live with, good luck to you both.

If this understanding has been arrived at because you have bills to pay and small children to take care of, you are going to need all the luck you can muster. Your H is one smooth talking man.

Surely it's a moot point about whether a woman would be interested in a man with a wife and kids - surely that's the first thing these married men lie about on dating sites?

Am absolutely gobsmacked at the defence that he couldn't find anyone even if he wanted to because the wife and kids would put them off!? So that's ok then!?!

There was a long thread on here just yesterday written by a woman in an unhappy marriage who was using "married, looking for NSA" websites to find sex

those women exist, and she was quite clear she was specifically looking for a married man

the thread was deleted, not surprisingly

Math is right - there are lots of women (and men) out there who see married men as the perfect ego boosting, no strings attached shag

Looks like you have made your choice. Good luck.

NSA sex

Cookies have an expiry date OP. Most (but not all) of these expire in under 2 years. Check your settings to see how long either of you has commanded the PC to keep the cookies for. In Mozilla, you do this by going first to tools, then options, then privacy. Within the privacy menu, it will say "Mozilla will save history for....and then there is a drop-down asking you to click on either: Remember history, never remember history or customise history settings. Go to customise, and you will see a series of boxes to tick. If the 'Accept third party cookies' box is ticked, it will give the user options of how long to keep the cookies on the PC. They are: delete as soon as I close Firefox, until they expire, ask me each time. Is your PC set to keep cookies until they expire OP?
If it isn't, then this story of ancient cookies is not true. And now that he's deleted them, we can't tell you how to check what dates they were accessed, something I'm sure he knew and therefore wanted to destroy the evidence.

No, you won't be able to tell if he looks at these sites in future. He will go into Private Browsing and so no cookies will be stored.

No, being married with kids makes no difference to people's appeal on dating sites. He is taking you for a fool with this one, because in the first place, a lot of people neglect to tell prospective dates that they are married with kids and some women really aren't bothered or regard it as a greater challenge and secondly, there are numerous sites specifically designed for people who are already attached.

You said in your OP:

Before he went he'd been acting a bit strangely with his phone - hardly ever letting it out of his sight - and a few other things had made me feel suspicious.

How's he explained that away OP?