Dear Mouseface, thurso1 and sarahRT
How truly wonderful to hear from you. I realise I have been slipping for a very long time after the 15 year abuse of the father and then the pressure of raising my son (and then his quitting Uni in 2008 and living at home ever since, contemplating his navel and getting up at 3pm)). He also had terrible teenage depression and I had to pull him out of school as I was not sure of his state of mind... and a mild form of gynaecomastia (man boobs) which stopped him from making friends completely and having a normal social life, especailly girls) and thank God, after 10 years, he plucked up to have the op last year and is 100% normal, but still sits at home in front of his laptop starting an internet business.
But in all those 15 years after I escaped, he only had me, and I knew it. I even had to make an appointment with my physio to ask him to stand as Executor of my will because I had nobody! And suddenly, when my son came back home after the Uni fiasco (because of the drink and drugs culture - and he really does neither at all!) , I think that was the beginning of my major slide. Total stagnation, and I had no purpose anymore (although I have always had projects on the go, I have worked from home). He has not left the house for 3 years.. I am never on my own in my own space - ever. He is always there as a silent presence. And for a solitary mother to watch her son turn from a boy into a man has profound psychological effects on her femininity - exactly as I turned 50 I questioned who I was because of this.
Suddenly, I instinctively hid my natural sexuality in case it was inappropriate..e.g. sexy bras on the line, panties hanging on the bathroom radiator I was careful what I said on the phone to girlfriends about men - I felt watched (although I am sure this was my sense of paranoia). I did not know how I should talk to him as an adult, although we have always been 100% open with each other from Day 1 in 1996 when I left his father.
Of course, this does nothing for your self-confidence when you are redefining yourself in fear with the inevitable hormonal changes in your 50s. More booze.
So I realised I have to leave - I could never throw him out after all this, we have become One in that sense, but my boundaries became blurred when I was terrified about his depression. So I drank to find the strength to support him, and completely obliterated my needs as a woman as I did with his father.
You know, I read Eric Clapton's autobio last autumn, and I always remember the part where his young son, Conor, fell out of that highrise to his death. Everybody assumed he would fall off the wagon and drink to the excesses he did as a rock musician, and all that industry's pressures. He didn't. He stayed sober, and said he did it in the memory of his son and has done since he first quit. When you read something like that, you think "Who am I to worry?"
Mouseface- I too believe I will make it. But I have to get away from the pressures that caused it in the first place. My old mother has early dementia and I am her Power of Attorney too! I found a carer for her, so that has been taken out of my hands, and I can do eveything from my laptop in Italy. Have a quiet and peaceful evening too, dear friends. Love to you all xx