Morning, tis me, Mouse 
- Long post alert
So sorry for the short, sharp post last night, I was so very tired by then and just wanted to post and let you all know I was here, mainly lurking and feeling sorry for myself. 
Nemo has another cold so is vomiting his feeds back, struggling to breathe and not settling to sleep at night. He can get to sleep, he just doesn't/can't stay asleep.
He has another sleep study coming up next week and the doctor who has requested it specialises in respiratory medicine. He's had Nemo under his care since birth so is well away of his 'history' shall we say.
The thing is, I love Nemo so very much, that I feel I owe it to him to be his everything because I still feel guilty for not getting it right when I was carrying him, like I let him down because of his additional needs. If I'd just done something differently, would he have been spared the problems that he's had and yet to face?
I know that you're all reading this thinking I'm daft for believing that it's my fault but I can't help thinking I got something wrong at the start.
There's a lot going on in terms of assessments and new people joining his team so I feel that most of my time goes into making sure that they are all up to speed with where Nemo is, what he needs, what he can do, what he can't do, what he likes/doesn't like etc....
It comes as second nature but when I have to stop and write it all out, actually take the time to think about it, I get myself all tangled up and emotional thinking about him. I want the very best care for him and I need for all of his team to feel that way too, you know? I want them to care for him like I do, do the same things, the things that he likes.......
I don't realise just how much that is until I have to let someone know what his day involves. Nursery are very keen to mirror what goes on at homes which is a HUGE tick in the right box for me. It means that his care will remain consistent.
Anyway. The drinking...... thank you if you've gotten this far.
I know that my liver can't cope with me drinking as I did in the past. I know that drinking will only make me feel more sluggish in the morning, especially after a broken night of light, unsettled sleep but I like the fuzzy blur I get. (NOT A DIG AT YOUR POST TO ME MsGee, I PROMISE xxxx)
I type it so many times on here, to support others, to try and convince posters that they really don't need to drink. I don't need to drink it's just been the last couple of nights that I really fancied a drink, so I drank.
I didn't make it a big thing, or give it any power by feeling bad about it, I took the glass and poured the drink, then another and then another. I didn't get drunk, I just felt relaxed, calmer, ready to switch my head off and for me, it worked. I knew when to stop and went to bed. Last night I was in bed for ten, and the night before, half past nine, not drunk but a bit fuzzy.
As for the pain? Who knows. The doc called last Weds to discuss how well the injections had worked, or not. I told him, he said he wanted to see me ASAP. I have yet to hear from him.
So, today I'm in pain. I have no respite care for 2 weeks either as Nemo's carer is off for two weeks having to take her leave or lose it. That in itself puts added pressure on me and DH. DH will take over whilst I go to the gym or have a bath, or even just to switch off for a while. He'll take Nemo out for a few hours.... just to give me a break but when we have no respite, it's all on us to help each other out.
Yes, he works from home but that's just it, he has to work. As much as he can come in and find me at my wits end or so very tired, but he has to go back to work. He doesn't get paid, he can't take holidays and get paid, or compassionate leave when we are both utterly exhausted. He has to work and I have to get on with it. 
We're a team though, we both help each other as much as we can. There a re days when I don't get a chance to go to the loo for hours and then I suddenly remember that I've not had a wee yet! 
So sorry for this long ramble and feel free to ignore me .
I guess in short, the day-to-day, day in and day out stuff builds up and every now and again, I need to step off the Bus because I can't support anyone else, I can't even support myself. I have reduced my ADs and feel great. I really do. It's just the constant pain and not knowing when or how it will stop, the pain I mean, that get's to me now.
Since stopping drinking so much, my anxiety attacks are virtually zero, I no longer get worked up about travelling and driving, although I never go far. I feel brighter, lighter in my head since I've cut right back. I'm fully aware that one slip can lead to two, three etc.... so it's up to me to keep that in check.
I don't begrudge anyone a second of my time, I really don't but some days, it would be nice if the world would just go on hold for an hour!
Thank you for your kind posts Babes. I just need to try and shuffle may days around a bit for the next week or two until our respite lady is back, DD is back at school, and we can have our routine back. I'm just as bad as Nemo when his routine is changed.
I shouldn't be drinking on the meds I'm on. I know that. And, after tonight (pink fizz courtesy of M&S Valentine's Dine In For Two) I will be stopping again. Not for good, not forever, just for that day.
Sorry for taking up so much space on the thread with this me, me, me post. I'm going to the gym now for a very gentle swim and jacuzi. They really do help with my pain.
Be back later, xxxxxx