"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Sorry im gatecrashing but need to get this out before it caues anymore damage.

I went to see my birth family on Thursday. My sister sent her son but did not turn up to see me dh or our two children. We live 90 miles away and have only been to see them two times since my 9 month old was born.

I feel very upset that she didnt come to see my children. Im even more upset that my mum took my baby in the pushchair to see my sister with out me with out asking me.

Im angry with them all. They dont call me they dont travel to see me they dont call my son. I am the one that makes the effort and try to treat them normal but they just arent.

My dad took my son out and my mum the baby out to see the sister how isnt talking to me and my other sister turned up at my mums and left her three kids with me to babysit so she could to the shop. So i couldnt sleep and got used as free childcare :(

I get nothing from my family. And the slap in the face is the kids clothes i give to the sister that used me for free childcare and now im responiable for clothing her children

They just use and abuse and i let them.

They mentioned my xbrother and i told my mum my son doesnt have an uncle called xxxx so please dont confuse him

I want no contact i need no.contact but there is this strong urge to make them a good family to make them care about me and a big gapping hole that i want my birth family to fill with love and warmth for them to like me.

I just hurt everytime i think about not seeing them because i know its not ment to be like that.

They are not nice people and i.need to cut contact but i want the hurt to not be there as i dont think it will ever get better.

I dont want to fill the hole with hate at all they did to me or all the abuse i took off them and the abuse im still taking or their lack of bountries.

I know i will not see them again.

Has counciling helped anyone get passed or live with the emotional hurt im going thru right now?

I want to txt my sister who didnt see us that she is missing out on my son and that she is not that big a loss to my family. That her snubing me is childish and rube.

But i will not give her my emotions. I will not comment at all.

But i feel like slaping her :(

Anair really feel for you, going through it myself! It's v unfair, hurts like hell but the very sad truth is you can't MAKE them- or anyone- change/accept you & yr dc fully/ make it up to you etc etc
They are probably not capable of this of see the need..
The only way through is to work on yourself yo handle it- that may be thro your new family/therapy/ going NC

So much easier to say than do. I've been feeling so low this week, grappling with all this and really struggling.

Feeling v hopeless- almost suicidal - and frustrated w myself for not having dealt w my birth family and got over it at my age

just bumping thsi thread and adding it to my I'm on it is so helpful to so many of us, thanks Garlic

Middy86: sending you strength to let her go. you deserve better. why should anyone have to endure treatment from another human such as this? and congratulations on your GCSE Maths!

Hi madda

Middy, so sorry to hear about all you've been through, you sound strong though, hope that comforts you? Also congratulations on your Gcse also, that's fab! You should celebrate somehow.

middy, i can identify with the stuck in grief feeling

I read somewhere that to move on, we have to acknowledge and grieve, and in some way, it it a good sign that you are having these feelings today, as it means they are now bubbling to the surface,as i mentioned to Salbertina, if the feelings are up and out of us, it is a sign that healing is beginning, or is in progress

Middy, I'm so sorry your mum let you down do badly. I know a bit how you feel, even though I haven't had the awful time you have had. Today wasn't a good day for me either, I had to come back to read this thread tot try and just ground myself a bit. I did a stupid thing today, really stupid, and couldn't stop crying even when my DD was trying to make me feel better. So I understand a little how you feel.

Hi ladies have been directed here by another mumsnetter who felt you would understand how I was feeling and may be able to offer some advice :)
I feel my mum is absolutely poisonous sounds strong but a bit of background....she has never been very maternal or particularly kind to me even when I was young so eventually I went to live with my dad, I distanced myself from her as much as poss for a few years but when I got married and had my 2 children we started seeing each other more again
My marriage was a horrible one, my husband and my mum always put me down, and got together to belittle me whenever possible, my husband was violent ( which my mum knew ) and eventually had an affair, stole all mine and the children's money and left
My mum was of no support to me during this time, stayed very pally with him and even payed all his court fees when I divorced him while I had to struggle to pay my own
I would happily cut her out of my life and never see her again but my children are very close to her and I need to see her sometimes so they can but her constant put downs, belittling and banging on about how wonderful my ex husband is drive me mad everytime I see her!
She has just turned up with a letter this evening of her thoughts and feelings as she says she knows I won't be willing to listen!!!!
I haven't even opened it, I'm due to give birth in 3 weeks and really don't need the stress or to give her the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of me, I am going to return it to her unopened
How can a parent act so heartlessly? I have 2 children who I adore and it would kill me if I ever thought I'd made them feel how she makes me feel daily :(
Thanks ladies.....:) x

Tangerine I can really relate to mum being concerned about being 'found out' whenever she did something wrong. It would have been much easier to attribute her behaviour to ignorance if she wouldn't acknowledge that she was being 'toxic' by covering it up and trying to make out that she was normal. Good luck with managing your health problems- you sound awfully young to have AF, but there are lots of support networks available for you out there.

I have had a bit of a boost recently- most of my mum's employers have noticed her strange behaviour and more people in our fairly small community are also mentioning how odd she is. For example she is very paranoid and refused to have her picture taken or answer the phone at home, even though she is the manager of a local charity shop... It sounds like she won't be able to cover up her true nature for much longer.

...marking my place here for later

another one with a narc mother (teacher would you believe) violent towards my elder sister while growing up...still dealing with it.

But this thread makes me feel stronger, not so alone with the burden of it.

Thank you all.

Been reading about toxic parents and really don't think anything I had to deal with was all that awful in comparison, but I just have so much anger and don't know what to do about it.

I won't delve into the whole story but does anyone have any advice about whether it would be better to 'confront' my mother and tell her how upset i am, or should I just push everything to the back of my mind and try to forget it all?

Also, supposing I did 'confront' her, what should I say? She knows everything that happened when I was a child as well as I do. What would be the point of me saying 'when I was a child you did this, and I feel this way about it' ?

Also, can't actually speak out loud without crying, wouldn't she just tell me to stop being so dramatic and pull myself together? How can you stay calm and talk about things that make you so angry and cry angry tears? Crying when angry is so annoying!

And (sorry, I should have waited before posting) , I would really like my mum to be more interested in me. Is that selfish? I would like to speak to her on the phone, and I would like her to ask about me, how I am, how is work, rather than just going on about what work they are having done to the house and what the bloody dogs are doing. How can I ask her, or get her to be interested in me? Just thinking it makes me feel selfish. Like why should she be interested?

integer - i know exactly what you mean when you say you want her to be interested...

as regards confronting her, well, I did that about 15 days ago long story but she had put my sister in a pretty scary position in an argument when my sister visited, consequently my sister felt strongly that she was going to be hit again - my sister is nearly 40 ffs - so she fled, came to my house, 150 miles away!

i spoke with mother when she rang to whinge about my sister, and I poured everything out, I was so angry at what she did as a parent all those years ago...and she thought I wouldnt rememeber it all!!!

it felt good to be so assertive, but now, mmm, not sure, I feel nothing towards her or DF, and the low contact has actually been advised by my GP and therapist - so if TWO professionals have advised me and sister to keep our distance, what better advice can we be given to deal with this?

maybe this will help you too

you are an adult now, remember stay assertive. If you need to speak up, you have a right to use your voice.

I have to ignore her constant calls and silly texts too. hard, but I have to be in control of how many, if any, toxic people I allow into my life, as I am a mother of 2 now, and MY immediate family is my utmost priority, NOT my mother - she had her chances to do the right thing as a parent but she failed. miserably. scarring 3 children in the process. And yet she thinks she has a RIGHT to be involved in our lives??????

off to drink a coffee!

Sorry just need to say this out loud somewhere (having counselling at the moment and its bringing up things that make me panicky). My F is a narc and M an enabler.

-I think my mother didnt like me at some deep level because I am v similar to her in terms of some physical characteristics.

-I think my parents were not capable of unconditional love for their children
-I think I have been stunted in my self-actualisation because I was not allowed to have a self distinct from the child they wanted who show them in a particular light

I will keep on with the counselling regardless of how hard I find it (altho I might space out the sessions so it doesnt drown me) because I dont want to do this to my own daughter. I dont want to do this to her, I want it to stop here.

hi firsttimer,

just wanted to say hi, and that you are listened to on this thread

so many of us are working through some powerful memories ad flashbacks, good for you in taking on counselling, which is rather exposing the soul, I know I could only manage about 4 therapy sessions

there are so many deep layers in our emotional systems, and so much is damaged by our parents. it is just shocking that so many parents did so much damage

the feeling of wanting it to stop here as you say is a very positive motivator and will help you get through this

Thanks madda for the encouragement. To the many others postng on here sorry to ahve just come and splurged and gone. I find it very therapeutic to just say things on here where I feel so many others have expereinced similar. There are so many stories here, so much I identify with and so much that gives me words for things I couldnt previously really pinpoint. I am really grateful for that. I still remember the first time I googled narcissist after seeing it on this board and the revelation of having so many of my father's personality traits described and seeing its not me who's unreasonable but there is actually something totally different about this person - and that in some v fundamental ways he doesnt really function like a person at all.

It allowed me also to realise that my need to protect myself from him was a real need - not me being mean or cruel - but a need to be safe from someone who taps into aspects of me and uses them to bolster his own self esteem in ways that are damaging to me.
To all of you struggling with a parent(s) like this I wish you strength. And from my experience I also want you to know that going NC can be a good thing.

Thanks madda for the encouragement. To the many others postng on here sorry to ahve just come and splurged and gone. I find it very therapeutic to just say things on here where I feel so many others have expereinced similar. There are so many stories here, so much I identify with and so much that gives me words for things I couldnt previously really pinpoint. I am really grateful for that. I still remember the first time I googled narcissist after seeing it on this board and the revelation of having so many of my father's personality traits described and seeing its not me who's unreasonable but there is actually something totally different about this person - and that in some v fundamental ways he doesnt really function like a person at all.

It allowed me also to realise that my need to protect myself from him was a real need - not me being mean or cruel - but a need to be safe from someone who taps into aspects of me and uses them to bolster his own self esteem in ways that are damaging to me.
To all of you struggling with a parent(s) like this I wish you strength. And from my experience I also want you to know that going NC can be a good thing.