"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Hi, I'm looking for a bit of help tonight. I'm having a really hard time with things just now as I'm getting bombarded from my mum just now and I'm finding it really stressful. My rage about things is just not dimming at all, and I'm finding it hard to verbalise things rationally. I really want to email my mum, but t's scaring the shit out of me to actually go ahead and do that. If I post what I've written, if anyone could give me their view/feedback before I send it (if I can actually press send), I'd be really grateful.

Anyway, I've removed names etc. but this is what I have so far.

'I'm sending you this email to make you aware that the cards, letters, texts are not welcome. They are not welcome as you simply cannot acknowledge the seriousness of what your husband did to my child, and that you seem to think nothing of the fact you covered that up. You lied to me. He hit my child and you did not tell me. He humiliated my child, and you covered that up. You have insinuated that I had 'jumped to conclusions' about what happened. I did not. You can call what he did 'a slap' but I know that it was much more than that. Your twisting of the facts here will not change the fact that he terrified my child, humiliated her and hurt her because he is a nasty, vicious bully who cannot control his temper. Nothing DD did warranted that treatment. Nothing. You didn't stop him from hitting her. You covered it up, and think you can deny me my anger by stating that 'it was dealt with' as though that somehow makes it all go away. It does not. It will not ever go away because he cannot change what he did. I cannot trust you to protect my child from that bastard. I cannot trust you to be honest with me about what he says or does. You excuse him, support him, back him and cover up for him. You enable him to be the bullying bastard that he always has been, and will always be, because you will never stand up to him. If that is the life you choose, that's up to you. It's not the life I choose for me or my child. Never again will he get the chance to inflict his moods or temper on me or my child.

I am gutted that you would choose to support that bullying bastard rather than simply acknowledge what he did and admit how wrong it was. I can't get over the fact you would make DD out to be a liar, or paint me as over dramatic, rather than acknowledge what actually happened, and that it was wrong. I never felt that angry about you not standing up for me growing up, as my anger was always aimed at him for making my life a living hell. But I just cannot accept that you will stand by and let that bastard hit my child and cover that up from me.

Nothing will ever be the same between us. I am utterly distraught by what you did. It actually hurts me more that you covered this up, than the fact that he hit her. I'm angry at myself for putting DD in the position where he was able to hit her. But I am so angry at you for not only covering this up, but for continuing to minimise this as nothing, belittle my justifiable anger, and still pretend that this is all just about me being the nasty spiteful bitch I was told I was for years by that bastard you married. He is no fucking father of mine.'

Too much? Too angry? Too emotional? I just don't know if I can send it.

I'm not the best person to advise as my normal is so turned upside down that I can't judge what's right or wrong anymore. But I do have question. Will you be my mum?

Oh Kladdkaka I'd love to be your mum! I was just reading your thread you posted about, not yet finished but so far I've mentally agreed with those who say it's your family who are/have the problem, not you. I'll come back once I've read all the posts.

Kladdkaka, I cannot believe your family has put you through all the things you mentioned on your thread. I agree with a lot of the posters who said that you are a good, kind hearted, decent, caring person who your family don't deserve at all. God, they are awful. I know how hard it is to make that final 'cut' as that's exactly what I'm dealing with just now. I am getting really stressed by my mum's attempts to 'engage' with me i.e. laying on the guilt, trying to get me to doubt myself etc. But, I just can't be the doormat I've been for so long, and I'm trying really hard to stand firm. It's bloody hard though. So I do understand your anguish at going as far as cutting your family off. Just wish I had the answer for you.

My mum is/was the same. She played down the violent erruptions from my dad and made me feel guilty for making such an issue about it. Even now she won't acknowledge the damage that was done. I get the 'it's all in the past', 'families have to forgive and forget', 'at least it was only ever one smack and then it was forgotten about'.

I never forgot about it. And throwing your knife and fork down on the table in temper so that it bounced up sliced the top of my head open is not 'one smack'. Neither is ripping my record player out from the wall and throwing it at me.

For what it's worth, the only thing I can think of is to take each interaction on it's own. Like one day at a time, but one interaction at a time. Do I want to take this phone call? If no, don't answer. Do I want to reply to this text? If no, don't reply. And so on, because the bigger picture is too scary and overwealming to contemplate.

That's good advice Kladdkaka, thanks. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by this right now. My anger is just boiling over, while my mum is bombarding me with stuff. But, I'll just ignore the text for now. Thanks.

I don't know about the letter as I'm a bit rubbish with these things, but good luck Perspective I hope you get the outcome you are looking for

Kladdkaka I've read your other thread an I'm in agreement that it's your family, not you, that has the (very significant) problem. They seem very cruel and very immature to me, and unable to relate to you as a human being in your own right. The fact that your mother won't even acknowledge that what happened was BAD must be incredibly painful. I have had mental health problems my whole life (bipolar disorder, undiagnosed for a long time) and I was completely vile to my family for years. I absolutely loathe myself for it, I hate myself for it and I will never, ever forgive myself for the way I behaved and the way I blighted their lives (I'm talking about my siblings, I don't have kids). I have spoken to them all about it, apologised unreservedly, taken responsibility and made it clear that I don't expect them to forgive or forget. How your mother can STILL be defending herself and everyone else who treated you so badly is beyond me. They should be dying of shame.

Perspective, I don't know whether you should send the email or not; but what I wanted to say is I think it's amazing how you're advocating for your DD. It's very clear that the people who were supposed to fight your corner when you were growing up failed miserably to do so, and it would be so easy to repeat the pattern, so the fact that you're breaking the cycle and defending your own child so ferociously (I mean that in a good way!) is fucking amazing. I am so sorry for the shit you had to endure at their hands.

Hi there

I used to write frequently on this thread but I have the need to come back and just check in. It's the one place I can come where people understand the subtleties of these relationships.
After 4 years of no contact I foolishly began contact with my mother which culminated in her visiting last week.
We ended up in an argument and I asked her to leave (my children were very upset!). I had to call my dh and ask him to come home as she was still continuing to rant on even after Id asked her to go.
She is very controlling and manipulative and thrives on playing the victim and creating drama.
I'm afraid she will twist everything to it being all my fault even though dh reassures me otherwise (he's the only one who I know outside of the family has seen first hand her crazy outbursts)
I even question myself on wether I caused her behaviour...that's how good a job she has done on me. It's so crazy making when someone does something like grab your arm and then shout 'You liar' when you call them on it.
The thing is I am now having such a physical and emotional reaction to the contact and resulting argument. Bad dreams. panic, anxiety...
I feel that she will destroy any bridges I have made with siblings especially my younger sister as our relationship was only at the very beginning of getting back to some form of contact and she hasnt returned my text since this happened. I think this is what most of my anxiety is over. As a kid, I felt so alone as I would call her on her behaviour and yet I would be punished as everyone would point to me as being the one with the problem.
I feel 'almost' back at square on with things...Help!

TRSx

Well, I've received a most charming birthday card from my parents today. Sent second class, 'To Stratters, from Mum and Dad x'. With a cheque in it.

With a great long screed on the opposite side of the card, detailed exactly why everything is my fault, how I've broken the family up, they are blameless, my sister is blameless, blah blah blah.

I have sealed it back up, with the cheque inside and put 'Return to Sender' and their address on it.

Then I stuck it back in the postbox.

DD1 has fired off an angry email to her. She also pointed out that DD2 had to go to hospital last night as she is so ill with Whooping Cough. My parents know she has Whooping Cough (and is a chronic asthmatic, so no walk in the park for her), yet they have not bothered to even pick up the phone to see how she is.

They disgust me.

Meanwhile my sister is tweeting on about how important family is, and how much she loves her darling Mummy and Daddy. She doesn't realise that DD1 can see everything she puts, as she never added her as a friend and cannot block her as she doesn't know her details. I hate her. I really seriously hate her.

Hi sarah
I dont know your back story but you have my sympathy. Sounds like they are all callaborating. It makes it tough because you have to emotionally cut off from your 'entire' family when they collude in the craziness like that.
I often find it helps to know someone understands, so just wanted to say I definately do!

ps good for you for sending the craziness back in the post box

perspective just wondered if you sent the email? Just to give you my take on it (may be too late) . I felt very upset by your post. My mother is the queen of minimising one's feelings and I know as a result I feel I have to constantly question my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs as a result.
When I went along to have a psychologists assessment I talked about my dad having a temper and being aggressive/violent at times when growing up. The clin. psychologists first question was whether or not my dc's had contact with their gf (my dad). I think that puts very strong stance on the question of contact and thus whether you should send the email?

SarahStratton

Good on you for sending it all back. In the event any further correspondence is received I would do the same or alternatively shred it. Do not give them any power.

Hi attilla how are you? Hope those in laws are giving you some peace.

TRS

Was wondering what made you decide to get back in touch with your toxic mother again.

And no, you did not cause your mother's behaviour to arise as it did. Her own birth family as well as herself are responsible.

Your mother is indeed a master at divide and conquer and has cast you in that dysfunction as the scapegoat for all their ills but hopefully your little sister will somehow see through the dysfunctional and lies your parents have created in their world. Is there any way you can communicate with younger sister other than using text?. Is she still living with them?.

I think you have come an awful long way since you first wrote of your family (I remember your initial writings) and you have and continue to make much progress despite what has happened recently.

Yours with the dysfunctional inlaws not to mention the NPD BIL!

A x

Thank you smithfield, that helps. Yes, they're colluding - my sister is the epitome of the golden child, and sucks up like nothing on earth.

All correspondence will either be sent back, or if email, ignored. I may have to do a lot of grizzling and stomping on here, feel free to ignore it, it's just me letting off steam.

Hi attilla thanks for that. You are always bang on the button, and the short burst of therapy I need.
I think because I had been having counselling I kind of subconciously tuned into what my counsellor wanted me to do (so people pleasing role), or I may have projected that on to her (shrugs) who knows!
In the last year there were a lot of realisations about my dad that came to surface during the therapy (had him pegged as the good guy as you know). As I am prone to black and white thinking I think I started to switch there roles in my head.
My father did manipulate a situation with younger db and me at the time and mother took the opportunity to start weed her way in.
I dont even know if that makes sense, I had been very guarded with her though which is why I dont feel totally back at square one but perhaps back to a 6 or a 7.
I feel like a bit of a cautionary tale at the moment and felt a bit compelled to come and remind people that the toxics can not and never will change and boundary setting doesnt work because lets face it pushing against a bulldozer is exhausting.

So have you managed to keep yourself and your family relatively safe attilla from the toxic trio?

attilla It would be so nice to have a relationship with my sister without my mother (or father) for that matter at the centre of things. She is still very manipulated by them and I cant do it all on her behalf. I think she probably needs reassurance she will not be caught in the middle of me and mum.
I'm not sure how to communicate that to her atm she also has a lot going on currently so it could just be that. See Im fine in adult mode...but the child me pops out still from time to time..especially after a visit from the dementor mother.

Hey Smithfield,

That's quite alright :).

Hope your mother does not visit again, you do not need either hers or your dad's toxic presence in your life. You have had a setback but you are doing okay, you really are. At least you can see from a position of clarity, your siblings do not have that insight. Even the "golden children" within that family set up are in roles themselves not without price.

Your sister may or may not come around but you can hold your head high re her as you have tried. Re my BIL our consciences are clear, DH was far more patient than I would ever have been.

Distance both physical and mental (particularly mental) for me has been key re the toxic outlaws. Have talked at some length to DH about his toxic parents and we thankfully do not visit them as much these days. I personally have no time for them and only tell them what they need to know (in my case nothing), their dysfunction is all too plain to witness and that is also borne out in how they are in their day to day lives.

Earlier this year DH was on an overseas business trip. A combination of things that week; thick snow that made driving impossible, a poorly DS (only for a day thankfully), raging PMT (that I have not had since thankfully) and feelings of intense loneliness (I missed DH so very much!) all made me feel very low that week. She phoning me only the day before DH returned and in the late evening to see how I was (so she could tell DH that she had phoned so not out of any altruistic need) was far too little and far too bloody late!.

attilla Im so pleased you and dh are able to talk about these issues. It is such a huge step and progress when the scales begin to fall.
I know how it works with their attempt at concern or empathy its all very mechanical or loaded with expectation 'right thats my duty done now back to me me me!'
I know at times it can be lonely, but all in all we are survivors aren't we? Forging ahead with our own family units and support networks.
Who needs 'em!

Stay safe (acka toxic free) xx

middy Dont worry about reading thread...just post away!

Just having written that post to attilla made me think how having that episode with mother felt so surreal, because I just don't have that kind of drama in my life any more. Or at least very rarely!
I kept looking at her thinking people just don't behave like this around me anymore. I also felt in ernest for the first time real empathy for the little me who must have been petrified by her outbursts. Just as my own children were. . I actually grew up with that woman. Ugh!

therealsmithfield I haven't sent the email. I've tweaked it, deleted bits, added others, mulled it over and just stared at it. I think it's helped to put it in an email format but the shit storm that email will bring to my door is something that I don't quite feel strong enough to deal with yet. I think Kladdkaka's post earlier made me stop for a moment, and just deal with the small stuff bit by bit instead of trying to squeeze everything in to an email.

I'm not going to change the fact I won't see them or let DD see them. I'd love to find a way for my DD to see her gran on her own, but it's too big a risk to take because she would use that chance to try and get me to let him back in and I won't ever do that again.

Do you mind me asking what you meant by the stuff about your psychologist's comment about your dad seeing your dc's? What did he mean by that?