"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Had the Pity Party email today. Can you tell I'm used to all this.

I will sit down and discuss it with the girls tomorrow. They should both have their say before we decide what to do. I have also booked in to see my old psychiatrist who treated me for PND, I've seen him a fair bit socially since, and he is very aware of what my mum and sister are like. He threw them out of my room whilst I was in hospital, after he walked past and heard them ranting at me (this was the day after I'd been taken in fgs). He's a good person, and will help me talk this through, and make the right decision.

I often wonder what I'd be like if I'd grown up in an ever so slightly more normal family. And yes, Hissy I agree, there is definitely a time for PA. Although, I wouldn't be able to deny, this is all old and distinctive stuff.

Ha, ha, sounds like you need PA training!

They'd think nothing about dissing anything of YOURS if it meant they could get at you...

Barefaced lies is shitty parenting 101! We don't matter enough to even be truthful to.

You owe them nothing, no explanation, no discussion.

What was the emailabout?

The basic, 'I don't understand why you are behaving like this. We haven't done anything that could upset you; your sister is a lovely person, who doesn't understand why you are so full if hate and resentment towards her. We think you need professional help before

Yup, as I suspected, they are denying it all and making YOU out to be in the wrong.

Incidentally, what actually led you to lamping your DearSis? I take it EVERYONE saw it?

Sarah PLEASE put them in the auction, and tell us all where it is, we'll come along

My father had DS today for an hour or so whilst I ran my breastfeeding group. I got out of the car first, and then he locked it before I got my bag out. So I said I needed to get it, and he turns to my son - who isn't yet three - and started saying things like, "And this, DS, is what women are like. They faff endlessly and never know what they're doing." I asked him to stop, he laughed and said, "Well he needs to know the truth some day, better it be now!".

He may have thought it was hilarious, I am feeling undermined and belittled, nothing new there.

I walked into the woman who assaulted me in the middle of town on Tuesday. Its shaken me up beyond belief. That combined with my dad's crappy attitude today have really send me spiraling tonight.

SirBoob ((((HUG)))))

Call that man out on his utter shite! how dare he say that. Tell him that a childminder can watch your son from now on, if he insists in insulting you AND women.

Either that, or retort,

'...and this is what bumbling old men are like, rude, ill mannered and utterly clueless when it comes to the needs of others.... Time to put granddad in a home, he's clearly unable to function in normal society.....

HighJump I'll have to do that next time!!!

Part of me still feels pathetic for feeling irritated, but then a little part at the back of my mind is wondering is comments like that have contributed to me feeling as insecure as I do, having grown up with them for so long?

There is still a huge raging internal battle within myself, fighting between "there have been some serious issues within my upbringing" and what I suppose is what my parents would like me to think; that every family has issues, and I just need to get over myself.

I generally get on well with my parents but only now that I've been in a shitty abusive relationship do I realise quite how much their relationship has informed my view of what is 'normal', and actually quite how far from 'normal' that actually is. My dad is EA towards my mum, and my mum reacts by talking to him in a way that winds him up immediately, then acts like the hurt party. They never used to be like this when I was a child, but my teenage years were spent trying to keep the peace between them. Dad had an affair and left mum, but the OW's daughter made her choose between her and my Dad and she chose her daughter, unsurprisingly. Dad's response was to have a massive breakdown followed by sectioning twice and several suicide attempts. I had an inkling that he was playing away and also found some porn in his work briefcase (I was looking for post-it notes); later I found evidence of some quite extreme (not illegal, I hasten to add) porn on their home computer - he wasn't savvy enough to delete his history so I quickly changed the settings.

I hate how my dad treats my mum with such contempt, and I have picked him up on it when he's been really awful, but on other occasions I have sympathy for him because she's completely and unnecessarily overreacted to something he's said, almost like she wants to get a rise out of him. They know how to push each other's buttons and the result is neither me nor my brother want to spend much time with them. They'd both be very hurt if we told them that but it's getting to the point where I might have to.

I think they would benefit from marriage counselling but the likelihood of that happening is almost nil. Recently mum has started talking about wanting to leave my dad - he stopped taking his ADs recently and his mental state took a huge dive - and mum bore the brunt. He's on the mend now but I fear the damage has been done. However, I think she is afraid that if she leaves him he will commit suicide. If she doesn't, I think she will regret it for the rest of her days.

The parenting was generally done by mum but dad would be the one who we were most afraid of - not that he was ever violent but if we pissed him off we'd know about it. They were both actually very supportive during my school and uni years, and still are to this day, so it doesn't seem toxic in that sense, but I do recall telling my dad I wanted to apply to the Civil Service Fast Stream and he said he applied himself years before and didn't get in, and if he couldn't get in then I certainly wouldn't. It was crushing. I've always struggled with the need for approval and praise, not just from my parents but in work situations too, and I think a lot of it stems from my upbringing. I love them both but they are bloody hard work.

I hope somebody answers this - feel scared 'putting it out there' as it were.

I feel my family fit very much into the dysfunctional category. My mum was - oh my! She was so highly strung and used to fly into these extremely high pitched shrieking episodes, at little or no provocation. Although I was a much "easier" child than my brother, I seemed to provoke them a lot. She was also incredibly mean and personal - repeatedly calling me fat, withdrawing food from me to stop me getting fat(ter) - it was pretty horrible in all honesty.

I used to think of my dad as the "nice" parent but as I've got older, I wonder how much of that was that he was more rational than my mother. He could be just as mean though, but in a much more snide way, and more to the point, he stood back and let my mother and brother team up against me and effectively rip me to shreds. My brother was frequently violent towards me and often I'd scream for help to be told to shut up!

My mum died in my teens and to be honest I didn't really miss her although on some level I did - I think I miss having a mother but not my mother, if that makes sense.

My dad's true colours really emerged after leaving my mum and I can now see my dad is basically a weak and selfish man, my brother is a violent thug and I have no grandparents or aunts or cousins.

I feel so alone sometimes. I've never had a relationship, largely, I think, because of my parents and sometimes I feel so lonely I feel consumed by it. But paradoxically I'm also reluctant to care for anybody.

My love, you need be scared no longer, your take on the situation seems accurate.

A good relationship would show you that you don't need to be there to be the carer for the other person, that there IS a little give and take on that front, but that the other person would care for YOU if you needed it too.

There are many great books to help people in situations like these, I don't know enough to recommend the right one, but perhaps someone here might.

Either way, carry on posting, talking about your experiences here with people who understand will help you enormously.

You are not alone anymore chuck!

They had no right to treat you the way they did. At the end of the day now you have a chance to have a fresh start. Sure caring about someone new can be scary, but if you can get over all that you have gone through and come out the other side you can get through anything. Don't accept anything less than you deserve which is someone who cares about your needs, treats you as an equal and would never abuse you in any which way.

It make take time. It may start off as a good friendship and progress, but don't close the doors. Don't let them win, because they aren't how most people treat their children. Don't be afraid of having children too - you will never be like them, because you have decided you wont be like them.

You are better off without your brother and father in your life. I hope you find some great friends and hopefully an amazing person to be with in the long run. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding someone who will make you feel special, because you deserve to be made to feel that way. Defence.

Well, I have had a second email from my mother, in response to the one I sent. Mine was just calmly setting out exactly what the problems were - I got the extremely reasonable DD1 and my XH, who was luckily round here, to read it before I sent it, and they both agreed that it was neither over emotional, nor provocative. Just facts, pure and simple.

She has flatly denied seeing any wrong doing by sister. Ever. Also denied freezing DD1 out when she went over, which has upset her greatly. As has my father. XH has confirmed she did do it, as he went with her - he didn't want her driving if she was upset. He may have been a crap husband, but he is an excellent XH, and a very, very good father. I appreciate how lucky I am in that respect.

So. I think that is probably it with my parents. Neither of the DDs want to see them again, and none of us want any contact whatsoever with sister. I feel strangely relieved.

She won't see any wrong in your Dsis, because she is cut from the same cloth.

They are not 'in the wrong' as they see it, as there are more than one of them all the same, it makes them think they are right. My Mum and Sis are the same. Deluded.

we go through all the turmoil of life with these people, never feeling good enough, depression, dysfunctional relationships etc because we are trying to be people like them, to fit in when we simply can't. We are caring, compassionate, generous, love people, love life. They are NOT.

These people will deny, deny and deny until they are blue in the face, they think that you have no right to question them, that their behaviour was fine, totally unremarkable, but that is because they are ALL deeply flawed beings.

You all know the truth now, your DC support your decision, move ahead all of you and put these terrible people behind you. At least you do have solidarity from your XH, that really helps.

You know you said what you needed to say, you know it was valid and that it was checked by others that were present/involved in the events at the time.

Hello, I have another thread on here about my parents. I'd like to know from those of you who have cut contact, how you actually went about it? Did you actually tell them, if so, what did you say? If you didn't tell them, and just drifted, how did you cope when they noticed your absence and began contacting you to see what was going on?
Thank you

My dad hasn't bothered to contact me to find out why i don't talk to him anymore.

My sis has texted, but only the bare minimum so that she can say that she has texted/rung and I didn't reply. All of this to make ME out the be the bad person.

The birthday text was simply Happy Birthday.

There were a few missed calls and then the voice mail I got in early July

"Hello it's Sis, .........(VERY long pause)........... please call me."

A totally dead voice, no emotion, nothing. I've deleted the voicemails since then.

High Wow. I'm afraid of what the repercussions might be if I cut contact.Your sister sounds....lovely I think if I was to just stop answering my dad's calls/emails, etc. he would turn up at my door. And the thought of that frightens me somewhat. I think if he did that then I'd have to say things to his face and I would sound like I'm being over-sensitive and selfish.

This thread is so supportive, we all have so many of the same issues. I'm really struggling with loneliness today. I spoke to my parents and sister yesterday - it was my mum's birthday so I sent flowers and phoned home. We had a chat about what my mum had been up to,but it was all so surface and meaningless. My best friend has just had a baby and I'm very excited about it - when I told my parents, their reaction was just so flat, my dad didn't even ask what the baby's name was. They just refuse to engage with me on anything but their terms. I'm starting to detach from them a bit emotionally but there is still a huge part of me that wishes they could be the parents I would like them to be. I know deep down that they will never change and our relationship will never be 'normal', I can't expect anything from them and it really hurts. So badly. I feel rejected and pushed out and unimportant and it's bloody hard

Hi guys. Is there any information anywhere (either on here or elsewhere on the internet) about parents who over-parent their grandchildren? My mother is taking over, practically stealing my daughter from me.

How is she getting so much access? This sounds like a boundary issue.

Can you give an example?, we can then help you tackle this.

Just wanted to send you all some virtual chocolates this evening. Hope you're okay.

Hi all.

I've known about this thread for a long time and followed it from time to time but never really posted (well, not that I can remember, anyway).

I think my situation is different in that although the way I was parented by my mother when I was a child was (in my opinion) very damaging, I don't feel that interacting now with her is particularly problematic and I don't think I need to manage contact with her or cut her off. She was violent, hostile, impatient, cold and utterly uninterested in me and my sister and I think that has had a huge impact on me. I have only just got to the stage where I feel like I need to deal with it; I've just turned 36.

I don't know how to go about dealing with this, really. I've had a "therapist" before but she was FUCKING AWFUL, all she wanted to talk about was whether or not I could afford to pay her (seriously! I paid her by direct debit every week BEFORE I saw her, and she was still totally obsessed with my financial situation) so I'm reluctant to go down that route again. I bought Homecoming by John Bradshaw today (cried in Waterstone's while I was looking through it ) so hopefully that'll be a good starting point.

I really, really want to work through this. It's affected every part of my life at every stage and although I'm feeling pretty old already, I guess I'll hopefully be alive for another 50 years so I might as well try and make them better than the ones that have already passed.

Hi hopkinette, welcome to the board! I'm really sorry to hear you had an awful experience with your previous therapist. There are some really terrible therapists out there, like there is in any job I guess. I had some bad experiences in the past but my current therapist is completely fab, I trust her 100% and really feel that I'm making progress so don't lose heart! I can't recommend therapy highly enough, but it has to be with someone you feel safe with and someone you feel will support you and listen without judgement.

I find reading books really useful because you can pick them up when you want and put them down when you want if it all becomes too much. You said you cried when you read part of the book - that's nothing to be ashamed of, it just means that whatever you read brought up some feelings for you. It would be surprising if you were parented by someone like your mother and you didn't have some painful feelings in there somewhere. I'm glad you feel your relationship with her is working at the moment. Take your time with all this and keep posting.

Hi guys. Here's the letter I've written to my mother. Sound ok?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1539211-to-send-this-letter-to-my-mother

Hello guys,

I was recommended this thread after posting in the parenting thread about my abusive mum. I don't want to sound cliche or presume that I have the knowledge to diagnose her but she is a classic NPD. I have come out of it all fairly balanced despite the initial struggle but now I'm just so angry that I reported it and she could just act like a charming good parent whenever she needed to. It's really motivated me to try and set up some kind of support group for people who aren't believed by the people that they are supposed to trust (teachers, parents, ss, etc). Does anyone else feel like they would have benefited from that sort of thing?

Even as a rational adult with a job, a degree and long term relationship, my mum has managed to completely discredit me when I have reported her abusive nature, her gaslighting, her obssession with money, her lack of empathy, her violent nature. She so clever despite being so mental! Although I've managed to escape and she has cut me out of her life, I have younger sisters in there that are still getting- really subtly- emotionally abused. The abuse I got was only physical when I was very young and when I was in my late teens. Well my younger sisters were looked after by me when they were little but now they are approaching the late teens and I do nothing but worry about them.

I'm going to become a parent in October and so many things are scaring me- will I be a good parent, will my mum try and get in touch with my baby?

btw- although mum has cut me out of her life and not the other way round, I feel like my sisters will really struggle. I always had the sass to back answer and to never lie to my mum when she did something irrational or nasty. Even if they do manage to cut her out of their life, I don't know how stable my mum would be.

Anyway... This thread seems so nice! It's so reassuring to read that other people had these kinds of experiences and can talk about them openly.

P.S I haven't read all of the pages of this thread so I'm really sorry if I am asking questions that have been covered earlier in the convo.

Can I join your group. I've posted a little of my difficulties in this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1540009-Am-I-the-one-with-the-problem?msgid=33525788