"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Because there is still an unparented child inside you who wants love and reassurance. The adult you can be the one to reach inside and tell that little girl that she is safe and she is loved now.

Sucks that the adults who were responsible for us couldn't be bothered to be nurturing, and it is totally unfair that we have to nurture ourselves and the next generation when nobody did the same for us, but it's the only way we have to get healthy, because our inadequate parents still can't or won't be proper parents. And it will also result in breaking the cycle of dysfunction for the next generation.

I'd like to jump in here, but don't really know where to start.

I have an interesting relationship with my mum. She cares only about herself and how things affect her. I am just starting to realise there isn't anything I can do to change that.

I am lucky to have a very supportive DH who picks me up each time I am shattered by her. I just get scared that something I will do will make him act the way she does even though I know that it is very unlikely.

I guess I am in mourning for the mother I wish I had. I am trying to be that mother to my kids - I hope I don't screw it up as royally as my mother did.

hotdamn I think I love you and I love this thread, I have lurked here for a long time. I never knew that there were other people who went through this sort of thing.

My sister moved out last Christmas and she said to me a few weeks ago "When mum starts, I can just tell her to fuck off and put the phone down now and she can't do anything about it." I was so happy for her, it may not sound a very nice thing to do to your mother but we've put up with that much shit. There is only my brother at home now but I think it will be more difficult for him to escape unfortunately.

Emandlu I know exactly how you feel re: the mourning and trying to be better for your own children.

All I have learnt about how to parent from my own parents are things not to do, I loved my grandparents more than anything, my grandad especially so I try to do what he did and hope it works. I just know he loved me (if he didn't he was a bloody good actor ) and his house was my sanctuary. I actually posted about it under an old username so I'm about to out myself here but this is some of what I remember of being a child in their house. My plan is just to love my ds so much he can never be in any doubt and just not bother his little head with my problems (something my mum did to me from a very young age).

I will always remember the comment my mother made when ds was about 8 or 9 months old, "You play with him all the time don't you. I didn't think you had the patience for children. I was quite worried when I found out you were pregnant."

As though she knows me. She doesn't know me at all. She only knows how I react to her which is a direct result of her behaviour.

Thanks for the hugs Magneto, I just wish others didn't feel this way.

It sounds as though your mother was projecting onto you. My mother does that too, under the guise of "understanding how I feel"

Thanks for the support, I really needed it.

Emandlu and Magneto You ask anyone on this thread and I'm pretty certain that they will all say that the one thing they have taken from their own parents is what NOT to do with their children. I try to do everything the opposite to how my mother was with me, I pretty much know I'm on to a winner.

I think it is really significant, just knowing that we do not want to parent our children like we were parented by ours is breaking the cycle. It hopefully stops here.

Magneto I totally know where you are coming from when you say that "She doesn't know me at all. She only knows how I react to her which is a direct result of her behaviour. My mother knew nothing about me as I never told her anything personal as I felt it would be a means for her to use it against me, my vulnerabilities. Because she didn't know me she used to make things up about me, like she was filling in the blanks but she would be a million miles away.
My SF once commented to my newborn DD2 that she was "bad tempered like your mum". Yes I was bad tempered when around them because that was how they made me feel. In reality I'm very happy.

Hello all, I haven't read all the back threads and hope that's not rude? Just wanted to purge here for a moment. I'm 38 and wonder when I'll ever be able to get past my bloody childhood.

Was brought up by a narcissistic mother, the flamboyant high flyer type who has generally ignored me as opposed to engulfed me and a functioning alcoholic father who was diagnosed with manic depression however refused to accept any diagnosis or treatment. He has enabled my mother by worshipping her and she has somehow been able to deny in her own head that he was ever abusive (verbally daily - "wish I'd never had kids" "you'll be thrown out as soon as you are 16", "you are a slut etc etc") Mum stayed away with work 3 nights a week leaving me and little sis to cope with this continuous tirade, i protected my sis as much as I could and always took the brunt. I was a very good girl, too good, afraid of breaking any rules.

a tumultuous start after leaving home, dropped out of uni (they didn;t care or even ask why I wasn't going back) drink problem promiscuity etc then settled down and forged a decent life and career for myself - before bang, panic disorder, ocd, depression etc - fast forward - mental health okay 1 dc wonderful DH. see my mum every week (she is still narcissist but makes more of an effort) dad has mellowed - well I don't have to live with him so don't see all his moods - still alcoholic. BUT it still haunts me! i feel like I have mostly forgiven them but I still grieve the childhood i should have had and feel angry sometimes and my mother in particular can still hurt me enormously. I KNOW they will never change and I accept that, I also love them and want them in my life - How can I get this monkey off my back - some times I wonder if i'll only feel peace when they die.....

I am dreading the prospect of looking after one or both of them when they are old and wonder if I'll be bitter and cruel towards them?

Appreciate any advice xx

Also on a purely practical level, if me and my husband were both killed in an accident tomorrow would they get my son? Do I have to write a will to prevent this from happening? - Random fear!

greeneyed,

I think you are more than justified to feel angry with the two of them. Your narc mother had an enabling H who is also alcoholic (who has self medicated his manic depression with alcohol) to worship the ground she walks on. They are both toxic parents.

Counselling for your own self may be helpful to you as well if you have not considered it up till now. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Al-anon may be helpful for you to contact re your Dad.

If you have never read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers I suggest you do so as it could well help you. They also write about the ignoring type of narcissist mother.

Re your son and future guardianship it is best really to talk about this with a Solicitor but you can name guardians in Wills with respect to children.

Your parents abjectly let you down and continue to do so; you certainly do not have to see them once a week (perhaps you do so only out of obligation or duty?). Many children now adults of such toxic parents have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. It is truly to your credit that despite your own personal traumas you have now emerged from the darkness that they created for you to inhabit.

Do you really still want them in your life or to play any part within it?. Are you frightened of cutting them off?. It is okay not to dance to their tune any more or even to seek their approval.

Atilla, thank you for listening and your lovely advice - I have considered counselling and have had some for mental health problems though when I saw a psyche who wanted me to dredge up my past I found it almost unbearable leading to a worsening of all my symptoms I stopped the sessions and insisted on only forward looking CBT as opposed to anything which required me to relive the past - just don't know if I want to go there.... It's easier to live in a form of denial - it wasn't that bad was it? surely they didn't do that to me? As I am well at the moment i am terrified counselling would make me ill..

Yes FOG but I do love them and want them in my life, I've just moved and they are only a mile away now and it is nice to pop in with my boy when he is at home with me if just for a change of scenery/chat it is certainly not all bad now. Just want to stop feeling hurt and betrayed and keep my expectations very low. It is heightened by the fact DH has a wonderful family, made me realise how dysfunctional mine are, I have them too though now which is nice :)

I still seek their approval constantly :( I wish i could get little me and give me a cuddle, I wonder if I'll love my own boy too much to compensate, I smother him with love sometimes

greeneyed : the things you describe were so terribly hurtful for a child. This is real pain that needs to be acknowledged to eventually be overcome. I relate to so much in your post (too good a child, screwing up uni due to low self esteem with no understanding or emotional support from inadequate, self-absorbed parents, being told repeatedly as a child "I can't wait for you to turn 18 so I can throw you out of the house"...)

I too am struck by the fact that you see them every week. Really, you don't need to (unles YOU want to). Don't let feelings of obligation and guilt force you into actions your soul rebels against. You will only harm yourself.

Counselling is really recommended. Yes, it's painful, and brings out in the open things we would rather not have to think about. But the more we keep them in, the more they fester: this is a boil that really does need to be lanced. You are the only warden of your happiness.

You are the ONLY person capable of giving the little girl you the comfort and reassurance she needs (since the adults in your life when you were a child failed abjectly at this, and continue to do so). Give that little girl a hug, tell her she is loved and she is valued.

It is possible to go too far the other way with your own children: no such thing as too much love for your boy, just as long as it comes with clear and consistent boundaries too!

Thank you HOT for your kind words, sorry to hear you have been through the same, I hope counselling helped you - I almost don't know why I see them, I think I do want to, it's the norm isn't it?, they aren't so bad any more?, I want dc to have his grandparents (not that they are interested now he's not a baby any more), I don't know haven't thought it through - guess I want a normal relationship with them... things are okay at the moment, though terrified of them getting old and infirm as they will be twats, if dad is the one left behind I am almost certain he will kill himself which will be another cross to bare - Fucking familes (excuse my french!) thanks again for listening, freaked out even talking about this - prefer burying head in sand :)

God now I'm on a roll thinking genuinely they are not really interested in my dc unless it is my mum making a big song and dance about entertaining him in her own flamboyant way (look at me aren't I great with kids!) in front of other people - no offers to help babysit etc, any requests met with rolling of eyes martrydom etc - how terribly sad :( Anyway thanks for letting me purge - wishing everyone well

Guess still waiting for the moment when they become good parents/grandparents - ever hopeful

green-eyed my mum is a wonderful grandparent to ds which makes having to cut contact very very difficult. I think I'd prefer her to ignore him completely, it was easy to cut contact with my dad because he abandoned me. I definitely prefer it that way because I feel like less of the bad guy.

Ds has her undivided attention and she completely adores him to the point that she says she dreams of him at night. Ds has recognised her from being a very young baby despite only seeing her at most once every two weeks.

She is completely over the top with him and I'm not jealous at all before anyone says it. However I fear that as ds gets older and less willing to see Grandma as the best person to spend time with ever, she will start to take it out on him because one thing my sister and I noticed has always been a trigger for her outbursts is any sort of desire to leave her; wanting to watch a tv show a friend liked (seriously, she banned me from watching the Simpsons and Buffy when I was a teenager for no good reason other than my best friend liked them and she didn't like my best friend), she would ban us from seeing or speaking to certain friends for stupid reasons, stopping us going on school trips, demanding we get jobs as soon as possible but then taking any money we earned away from us, not allowing us to go out into town for shopping trips or to parties with friends.

At the time we thought she was doing it because she didn't like our friends but looking back I wonder if she was doing it because it meant we would be with her all the time. Whatever her reasoning it didn't work; I would borrow boxsets from my bf to watch at home in the middle of the night after mum had gone to bed, all three of us soon learned that if she banned us from seeing a friend then just carry on as normal but make sure not to mention the friend around mum (my sister is now flatmates with a girl mum banned her from seeing aged 11 ) and to tell her we we going to the library or staying with an approved friend for trips out or parties. My brother never bothered with this he just went for the "you can't tell me what to do
approach" which unfortunately just makes mum more angry.

The irony of this is that she hates people lying to her but we have had to lie to her for years to have any sense of a normal teenage life!

Hallo survivors...I've posted on this thread before but not for the last 3 years. I still read it though and am constantly amazed by the similarities to all our stories/fears/stuff we have to live with each day.

I have wanted to post about what follows since January, and, having just read greeneyed recent post I just want to say, I completely feel for you and am just a year older, with two DC but a very similar relationship with my mother. Anyway, I just really need to get this down just now...

When i was 18 I cut off all contact with my DM and her partner. It was a long time, ten years. What precipitated them being in my lives again was the fact I went through a divorce at 28, and a subsequent serious nervous breakdown. My father couldn't 'cope' with me and so he went to see my DM and so contact was re-establlished. She is a classic narcissist personality, and between her and her bizarre partner they stole away what should have been the happiest and most carefree times of my life; my teenage years, with their cruelty, physical and mental abuse and persistent damaging treatment.

I have been in contact/in a relationship with them both now since 2001. It has often been really tough; neither wants to discuss the past (because apparently there is no 'mileage' in it and it won't help anyone) but I think my DM does kind of acknowledge how bad things were. However, she also implies that I 'deserved' the things I got off them!?

Over the years I have had to take anti depressants, a bit of PND, a bit of post traumatic stress from the divorce etc. But have two amazing DC now with my truly special DP. My DM has been a pretty reasonable grandparent. She is quite involved although obviously there are things I can't possibly allow; overnight stays are fine but I put my foot quickly down when she asked to take my DS on holiday...(as you would!).

She hasn't changed, at all. The only difference is that because I am a grown up now I have free reign over my opinions and speech and am therefore 'in charge' if you like. We have rubbed along okay for the last few years I suppose. WHat HASN'T changed though, is that she still does such utterly inexplicably nasty thoughtless things. This is why I am posting tonight.

In December last year my DP proposed to me. It was really romantic and very unexpected. Christmas Eve. I told my close friends and family and my DM seemed to be really happy for us. And excited as I would expect her to be. We immediately began to make loose plans and talk non stop about what we might do for a wedding (not Bridezilla like though, just casually). THREE WEEKS LATER i received a call from my DM asking me to to go around as she had something to tell me that needed to be said in person. When I sat down in her kitchen she told me that she and her partner had decided to get married. I was absolutely aghast.

They have been together for 25 years and she picks 3 weeks after my DH proposed to me to make her own 'special announcement'.

I was in such shock i managed to mumble out how great it all was and left quickly. When I got home my DP's jaw dropped. I felt TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY CRUSHED. I went to see her the next day and it all came out, how angry and upset I felt that she had basically hijacked our engagement, how could she just make that decision. Unusually for her she didn't even think to lie, but actually admitted that they sat down a few days later and she started musing to her DP whether they would get married, and so they thought "why not".

What makes this so very sad for me and my DP too is that we can't afford to marry soon, despite wanting to. She on the other hand has rushed through some arrangements so it takes place in a few weeks.

My DM and I are now in a really bad place. Because she has form, I shouldn't be surprised by what she's done. But actually, this is one of the nastiest things. It feels like I am a teenager again, being frogmarched back to the local jeans shop to return some jeans I paid for because she saw them as unsuitable. Its so odd to be in a competition with your own Mum, one that you have never even wanted to be in.

I know things with her will always be like this. I can't cut them off again, but I have had 7 months now of trying to reconcile what she has done this time and I just can't. I feel very empty and I know that she doesn't love me, but it doesn't make things easier to bear.

First post and am a bit nervous. I have gained so much comfort and understanding from reading the previous posts-got to page 18 and will get to 24/25 after my holiday. There are so many stories that mirror mine. At last I can see parallels with my life. I am on the mend and a lot is down to this thread, thankyou everyone-whether your story is difficult or an on the mend story it helps. Will send details when i am ready,

Thank you people for your thoughts - so sorry to hear what your mum has done Adifferent - it's shit, who would do that to their daughter? Similarly I rub along okay for a while then she drops a bomb and I am back to the beginning, feeling years of hurt again - it will NEVER change - so how to cope with it - I don't have the answer... Magneto your mum sounds so controlling :( Baytree see you soon.

Hi there greeneyed, sad to hear your story. I am one who seconds the counselling, but of course when you are ready. One day you will be ready to talk about what has happened in the past to heal your hurts. But only when you are ready. And welcome to Baytree .

ADifferentKindOfMum, unfortunately I can relate to your post . I've only realised fairly recently that my mum has been competing with me in lots of little ways. She rarely ever says anything good about me, and she always ignores anything positive I have to say about myself. When I was growing up, I have a feeling that she sabotaged the relationship between myself and my father to the extent that he did not speak to me for 5 months when I was 17 or so. Very damaging for a teenager whose self-esteem comes from their parental role models.

So I can definitely empathise with you on your current situation, as well as with the feelings of being a teenager again, and the shame and guilt that you are feeling. However, try to remind yourself:

"I am a grown up now I have free reign over my opinions and speech and am therefore 'in charge'"

Which is a huge thing. Remember that although your mum can't be an adult in this situation, and be unconditionally happy and love you unconditionally, you can. The love and happiness you have for yourself and your family can (at least in some respects) help to replace that love that the child or teenage you didn't get. You can refuse to feel like that teenager with shame and guilt. You can however, feel sadness (or whatever your would prefer to feel) that your mother can never be the loving adult in a relationship with a family that you have.

And btw ADifferentKindOfMum, I luff your nick name!

Oh, ADifferentKindOfMum congratulations on the engagement!

Mum is trying to guilt trip me, as she cannot see anything on my facebook profile anymore (she's on restricted) and hinting that Dad is starting to feel guilty Total head f*ck. Excuse my French

Well, the good news is that you are the only one who controls whether you feel guilty. Do you?

I feel angry actually

Good. No need to . Angry why? - can you articulate it?

Why would your Dad be feeling guilty because you've hidden your profile from your Mother?

I'm in the process of just trying to distance myself. I've stopped ringing her and as we live miles away we don't see her often either. The last time I did this she didn't ring for 8 months. It was bliss!