"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Dontstep you have already recognised that your dad is a bully. Good for you. Unfortunately as you are probably already aware, giving in to a bully means that they will expect you to give in to them again, and again, and again. You have already had a childhood of this, do you want to spend your adulthood giving in and cowering to a bully as well?

I am sure that your mother means well, but her solution to a bully is neither feasible or practical. If you do as she asks, he will expect you to apologise again and again as an adult and make amends, just as you have done when you were a child. However you are not a child any longer. You are a fully functioning adult who is capable of making her own decisions. You are right in thinking that sending a card will not make things right. It didn't in the past, did it?

A suggestion if you want to appease your mother (and by the way, she is complicit in your bullying by your father, otherwise she would have stood up to him years ago), just tell her "I'll think about it". Take the path of least resistance for the moment, but do not acquiesce. Your father, the bully won't.

MomeRaths neither I nor anyone else is the judge of how hurtful you find your father's messages: only you are.

If those messages hurt you, they hurt you, and you have a right to feel that way and to say so. To him most of all. If he can't take it - if he doesn't care about hurting his child, that's because of his own fucked up issues. Those issues are not of your doing, they are not your responsibility to fix, and you don't have to placate him. Really.

Sorry to cut across anyone elses conversations.
SoSad you gave me an excellent insight yesterday. It explained a lot about my own family. It has often happened that one person will be annoyed with another; and an argument will start with me as the annoying 'object'....thanks to your statement, I can see that everyone turning on me allows them all to get along without airing their difficulties with each other in a healthy way. Lots of tutting about each other behind backs.
Its helping me to detach and reduce contact without feeling guilty- I can handle most of them one-to-one; but when they/we are all together (e.g. family occasions) I always leave feeling horrible and wondering what I did wrong.

Having read those messages, MomeRaths, I'm not quite sure which of your parents is the more bullying of the two.

Your father is actually threatening to harm you. In writing. Along with name-calling. Abuse abuse abuse.

He is doing so, in his twisted world view, to ride to the defence of your mother who is crying (your doing, they claim) and depressed (your doing, they claim). Your mother is one self-centred person, isn't she? It's all about her. You do anything at all, it seems, and she'll melt into a puddle about how this means you hate her and that she's a horrible person, and so your father aggressively comes to her defence and blames it all on you and threatens retribution.

Your father is being abusive, most definitely, but I think he's possibly the enabler here, enabling your mother's belief that "It's all about meeeeeee, poor little martyr meeeeee!"

Jesus. Leave them to it. In order to keep up their roles of Martyr and Knight Protector, they need a Scapegoat and they've chosen you. You really don't need to step into that role just for their convenience. Walk away. They are loons.

Thank you this is very interesting to read and us helping me to have some clarity. None of my SIL want to spend time with my mum and dad and mum feels it keenly. So yes I am the scapegoat in many respects

Mum excuses his behaviour because he's defending her in this instance. Well was. So considering I've apologised to mum. Why is he so angry still? In fact he never needed much of an excuse to behave like that when I was a child. Back then the reasons were the stress of running a business

The other thing about this is I can't help feeling she didn't respect my boundaries anyway. I asked for space. It took me a long time to work up the courage to do that and mum seemed to have forgotten all about that discussion in her hurt and tears etc.

I'm ranting a little now

So should I ignore the suggestion to send a card and not even explain why on e-mail? The desire to explain myself is strong

None of my SIL want to spend time with my mum and dad and mum feels it keenly.

Note how their reaction to this is not to perhaps question whether there is anything they should be doing differently, but instead to lay guilt trips on you. Because of your mum's keen feelings of sadness. Because it's all about what she wants.

Why is he so angry still?

Because he's unhappy and finds it more expedient to take it out on you, rather to work within himself.

mum seemed to have forgotten all about that discussion in her hurt and tears etc.

Well of course she has: your boundaries are inconvenient to her. Maybe if she cries enough you'll forget all about them and attend to her needs like you should!

Because he's unhappy and finds it more expedient to take it out on you, rather to work within himself.

I would also like to add: and because it's easier to ask you to appease your mum, rather than to tell your mother to get a grip. Because telling your mother that is clearly a lost cause, whereas you... well, they've trained you to be more compliant.

The desire to explain myself is strong

If you can resist it, you will be doing well!

Momeraths,

Both your parents are narcissistic and feed off each other's behaviour.

Detach, ignore and detach. Its not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist.

Do not send any fathers day card, ignore the wishes of his bystander wife; people in dysfunctional families end up playing roles and they made you their scapegoat for their inherent ills. BTW you did not make them this way, their own birth families caused the damage.

Would also suggest you read "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina W. Brown.

They'd never dream of speaking to any of their DIL like this naturally, they also do not undermine their parenting. Which is of course what led to asking for space

I have 4 brothers and am the only girl. Apparently I was a difficult child and all I did was cry as a baby. Mum used to lock me in the bathroom in my crib, she often told me. So she couldn't hear me. The labelling of being the difficult child the black sheep etc continued most of my childhood and my brothers used to gang up on me too. Every Christmas the whole family always get around to discussing how awful I was as a child. Every year and I'm 33 now. Why did I not see any of this before. I was like a puppy and desperate for their approval, even as an adult the desire for them to be proud of me continued. I'll never have it. The roles are too entrenched, Dad has slipped so easily back into old patterns with me. At least I do not have to live with him now I suppose. But I cannot attend family gatherings as the atmosphere and his snipping at me, would be too much. He has already told my twin brother a version of events to justify himself. Whereas I've tried not to discuss it with any of my siblings. Although I am not close to any of them tbh.

I am so sorry for the little girl you, MomeRaths. That is awful.

Your 13:30 post is full of insight. You clearly have all it takes to heal from this and end this cycle of abuse.

It's interesting that you cite my mum as abusive. I've never seen it like that, but I think it's the only way of getting Dad to pay attention to her. My Dad ruled the home with intimidation, humiliation and violence i.e. smacking, lots and lots of smacking, even as a teenager, he still walloped me across the face. Everyone walked on egg shells around him and to keep him happy.

Everything was 1,2,3 wallop, and if no one owned up to who had done something, we were all lined up walloped. It was like an army camp and I won't parent the same, which they take as a criticism of how I was brought up. I have spent the last few days fighting not to cry. As it is clear that unless I apologise unreservedly and accept all blame for the latest blow up I am to all intents and purposes ostracised from the family.

Thank you for listening

At the risk of repeating myself: that's awful, and I'm so sorry.

Re: your mum. Sure, that tactic worked for her. She was still a parent, with a duty of care towards her children. She had options that you never had as a child, that could have made life better for all of you. She didn't take them.

Look at the way she has always cried to get care and concessions from you. Who is acting like a parent and who is acting like a child here? Is that right?

TheHappyHissy - thanks :)

This thread has been bitter sweet for me. Someone linked it on a thread I'd written about my father and the first skim sent me running for the hills. I was not abused. I was lucky to have the parents I did as it could have been so much worse. This is what I've always said to myself when doubts have crept in.

But I've read some amazing people here have the courage to admit it wasn't good enough. That they have been hurt and it's not fine.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I can process all of this just now but I do know that at my lowest, my dad has stepped over me and looked after himself. I don't think I'll ever get past that. I've always needed people to show me some love of affection. I have become very aware of that needy side of myself over the last few years. Now I can see where that's come from.

Momeraths - you've been so brave here. I hope you're finding some peace with off loading this.

HotDamn - you've made some very good points.

I hope everyone has been having a good day today :)

Memoo needs some advice/handholding pronto, Daddy dearest has sent her nasty text.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1492981-Please-help-me-write-email-to-toxic-mother

You're right HotDAMN

Just read Memoo's thread, I cannot add to it as I'm not wise enough but my father acts like her mother. Thank God for mn. It is helping me to see how dysfunctional my family are

I don't often post on here but I have to say that

Walk away. They are loons.

is a genius bit of advice from HotDamn. Sums it all up. Easier said than done, of course, but still!

for the wall

Apologies to those above, as the thread has moved on.....

Porridge, glad that this insight has given you a way to move on a little more. Unfortunately, I could read into your thread exactly what has happened to me - yep, I was the scapegoat that allowed everyone else in my family to keep their dysfunctional relationships with each other. It brings a special pain in my heart to reflect on this .

I'm still working on my own acceptance/moving on from the past family hurt as well, and only hope that all of us on this thread can get the vision and help that we need to move on.

Yes, please excuse to those above...

SoSad....I am still thinking about it and getting angry now (which is probably marginally better than feeling down about it).
Fine, I am an adult and my marriage to an abusive man was my choice...but I cant help feeling that throwing your child out into the world with as warped a view of themselves as I had is just wrong...and left me vulnerable to bullies ( I am like a pot of honey to their flies).

I am annoyed at my siblings for choosing to continue with their erroneous view of me; I bent over backwards to maintain ties with them, to anticipate their needs, to be a supportive older sister. But its like throwing money in a river- nothing comes back.
Definition of insanity- keep doing what you're doing and expecting things to change.
I have tried to detach from them- thinking that they would 'miss' me and try to put some effort in- nope.

I feel more annoyed with my mother for allowing me to be 'used' as the scapegoat. For her setting the example of that. For her refusing to listen to things that would have me hopping to my daughter's defense.

I am just cross at the moment; and at the same time I want to get over it so that I can move on without these people.
I am scared though as that leaves with me 2 small kids and no family, abusive ex and his warped parents, and a bad pattern of friends.
As someone else said (hissy?) nature abhors a vacuum so I hope to find some decent people.

Good Porridge, that is the only way to work through this, I have found. Be angry, you deserve to be angry about this. It is not right that they did this to you and I am here to give your anger credence and acknowledgment. Feel whatever the hell feelings you need to, because you need to. If your family is anything like mine, they never allowed you to give voice to your feelings and help validate them for you. I am here to validate all those feelings for you now.

And yes, just like you, I was bullied through school and twice in two different jobs, cos I didn't have the skils to deal with it either. Its shit isn't it?

To be honest, it took me literally years to detach, and every time you see them a little more in the correct light, you will detach from them a bit more. Their support of your ex is an absolute betrayal of you! I am so angry on your behalf that they did that!!!

I know you want to move on from your anger, but I would listen to that little voice that is really you, that says "I am still angry" and allow youself the absolute right of being angry, until your own voice says "OK, enough, I can move on". This will actually help you more in the long run.

Then go and hug your wonderful children, set them the great example that you can be, and be thankful that you can now see what they are doing.

Hi, hope everyone is doing ok and has a lovely weekend planned :)

I haven't posted on here for a while. Just wanted to have a quick vent really. I've cut down on contact with my parents and mil. They are now bestest friends and mil spends every other weekend with my parents. Conveniently this means they can't help out me, dh and our 6 month old as they're too busy with their social life in another part of the country.

I rang mum yesterday and spoke to mil. She made a really bitchy comment about the problems I'vbypass at work by laughing after telling me she'd been discussing it with all and sundry and then saying that she was really happy with her work situation as it's all worked out in her favour. I didn't realise it was a competition! After me and dh had sat and advised her about her situation for hours, trying to help her as well.

Mum came on and told me some stuff dad was doing that was very controlling of her. I pointed it out, she said 'well you know what he's like'. Then she said she was leaving her bday present to me after she dies. I get this a lot now I've cut down on contact, discussions about wills and who's having what. I try not to engage.

Mum told me they're going on a day trip tomorrow to go shopping in a city that is 1 mile further away from her house than the city I live in. But they won't come here to see us for a day like that as its 'too far'.

Dh thinks they're being deliberately rude and nasty in order to cause an argument. I don't know. Maybe this is what they are like when you don't tread on eggshells round them, catering to their every whim.

Also, a couple of weeks ago I took Ds to my parents as an aside and to try and stop them bugging me about it. They were criticising my parenting, calling me a Nasty mummy to Ds when I left the room, shouting at Ds to be quiet if he cries (he's only little). I just don't want to spend time with them.

I feel really angry about it all at the moment. I just wish I didn't have to give them any headspace.

The one thing I'm so grateful for is that I realised all this just after I had Ds. The selfishness and thoughtlessness they all showed the week he was born broke something in my brain. However, it would have been better not to have gone through so much trauma without support I suppose :)

I don't really have much to add in the way of help but just remember when anyone has written anything on this thread no one has come along telling them that they're overreacting, making mountains out of molehills, not seeing it from their mum's, dad's, grandpa's, goldfish's point of view. You are entitled to feel the way you feel.

My dad is coming round to pick up DD and take her to town.

I'm not sure what to do :(

I could send her out of the door when he pulls up and I'd not need to see him.

Or I stand at the door and be civil.

Either way I'm the one being out of order :(

I hate this. I know I need to cut contact but it's so hard.

DD asked him if he could see her. I wanted to tell her he needs to come from him but she loves him so much. I just don't want to hurt her. But he'll do that further down the line won't he?

This is harder then I thought it would be.

How did it go Charlie?

I'm always the one who is wrong/ unreasonable. It is hard isn't it?

I've struggled not to cry today. Coming to terms with the fact that my Dad despises me and that I cannot heal this rift and that I am likely to be made unwelcome at family gatherings for good is a rotten feeling

Dd ran to the door when she saw him walk past. She went out to him on the steps and DS followed her so I had to join them to get him in.

My dad just kind of stood there. He sp