"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Spent the whole damn day, stressing. Have sorted it with brother now. Just got to work out how to tell Mother that she can't get away with it.

You poor thing, how horrible. As for your Mother, does she do email? Might be better as it would avoid her shouting at you? I sometimes find it helpful to have a 'script' if it has to be a phone call. At any rate, I hope you get her put straight soon and that the stress gets a bit less.

Posting this here as I don't want to bump my 'toxic overload' thread for all eternity! I'm the one with the psycho brother who had a go at my 10yr old ds and my parents don't give a toss. (in a nutshell) Just had a rather pathetic email from mother accusing me of 'a year of rejection' (if only) and saying she doesn't understand why. Sent this back.

"I don't know if you will reply to this email, but we have asked you time and time again to come and see the children. If this is rejection, I am baffled. I said when I last spoke to you that we'd make a date for the end of the month when you returned from holiday, since you couldn't make it on the dates I suggested before that.

(ds) tells the truth, and if he says his uncle hurt him, then I believe him. Please do not take this out on me when all I am doing is what any decent mother would do - standing up for her child.

You are very welcome here. I don't know how much plainer I can make it."

I know, I know - I could make it a lot plainer! However I am always at pains to be completely reasonable in any written communication as it can be used against you. I shall await a reply.....or what is more likely, no reply, then mad dad on the phone accusing me of giving my mother epilepsy or whatever (he actually did that).

grrrrr!
Tried to talk to her today. She just gaslights and denies. Takes no responsibility for anything and I end up getting off the 'phone distressed and hacked off.

bump

Hi Dawndonna one thing I am slowly learning is that this kind of person will never ever take responsibility for what they have done, still less apologise. Deny, deny, deny all down the line. And I guess that the next step is to accept that we will never change them and try to move on from that. It's not something I have managed yet, but no doubt some wiser person will be along if I bump this, with some more useful advice.

I have a question.

A parent agrees that they were horrible to you when you were a child and says they're sorry (no details or explanations as to why they behaved that way, even if asked; just repeating of the words 'I'm sorry'). They then proceed to act contrite for a while but get progressively more upset (i.e. tearful) at the fact that you haven't forgiven them 'yet'. Their apparent misery causes other family members (who were there at the time, FFS) to comment on how you're being a bit mean and really ought to just get over it.

Is that parent toxic? And if so, how would you deal with them?

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if I am being rude for just butting in - I honestly don't intend any breaches of etiquette.....

I don't want to start a thread about my father again but just wondered if anyone here has cut contact with a toxic parent?

Did you explain why?

Do you regret it?

Part of me just wants to be done with my dad. I'm always getting so hurt by him. I just think the time has come to either accept he is like this and try and numb myself to the upset he causes or cut him from my life. I just don't know if I could.

My mother is narcisstic/toxic and my father was her enabler. My dad died from cancer in April, it was a shock, he went from nothing wrong with him to death in 6 weeks. I haven't had a chance to grieve for him properly. Everything has been about my mother. I live in England and she is in Scotland. She had a go at me in Scotland as I was trying to advise her about finances etc. Then she lashed out at me over the funeral arrangements. She phones me every single day, she slags everyone off. My dad's brother's wife is very elderly and very ill and has been in hospital regularly. My mother thinks that he should be phoning her, not about my aunt but to see how she is. She fell out with her sister a few weeks back and declared that she was selling up and moving down south to be with me.

She could have won an Oscar for her performance and then subsequently went on to nit pick at my cousin over it all. Of course they all made up and the drama was all forgotten again.

My question really is has anyone else had dealings with a bereaved toxic parent?

Herrena...that sounds to me like the drama triangle. It sounds like the parent is not being mature and giving a genuine apology but is moving from the Perpetrator role to the Victim one and relying on bystanders to 'rescue' them. Its very difficult not to get sucked into this.
Getting some insight has helped me as well as reducing the amount of time I spend in their company as they will never acknowledge the damage they did.

CharlieUNT I am in this dilemma too...I thought I had got strong enough to spend time in their company but this weekend proved me wrong. And I leave being the only one upset. I am thinking about going to no contact at all as in reality I have loyalty only to the 'idea' of a family- the reality is that I have never truely had any love and support from my birth family.

Fimbo- I'm sorry about your dad; it sounds as though in addition to her bereavement, your mother is trying to ease her grief by finding a replacement for the role your father played. People who live for drama will have to find an alternate source.

I wanted to ask for me; I had a flashback (I think thats what it was) this morning of being a child of perhaps 8, with my mother and younger sister coming after me telling me I was weird, and that if I continued as I was no-one would like me, or want to be my friend.
I cried like an upset child.
I spent last weekend in their company; much of the time, spent in my car on my ipad, being ignored. Nobody sought me out. Maybe I am a weird horrible person. But even if I am, I think I shouldnt have to spend time with people who offer me nothing positive.
My ex-H walked out leaving me with 2 children; who deserve much better than this. I have had no sympathy from my siblings, no offer of tea and a shoulder, no-one telling me that I am doing a good job coping with 2 kids on my own. I have had them text me to say that I am difficult to live with, could it be my fault. I have had a Christmas where I was sitting at the table with them shouting at me. I have had them imply that because ex still gives me money, that really he's not that bad ( he's horrifically abusive).

I feel like I am swimming up from living underwater towards clear air where I can see the truth and breathe freely. I cant really believe that where I was is quite that bad. Does anyone else feel like its unbelievable that what happened was abusive and that perhaps you am being oversensitive?

Fimbo, so your narcissistic mother has lost your father, her enabler and probably one of her greatest allies. As devestating as losing a DH is to her, it is not right of her to take it out on other family members.

Are you able to gently suggest to her the option of seeing a professional counsellor as you are concerned about her grieving? Making it 'all about her' is music to a narcissists ears and a professional will be able to deal with her so much more effectively.

That being said, many people with personality disorders so not like to do counselling.....

Herrena here's what Susan Forward says on this scenario in her book "Toxic Parents":

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

Charlie It's a personal decision, and there's no one-size-fits-all. You'll find what you're comfortable doing wrt to your relationship with your parents at your own pace. If you say you're uncertain about cutting contact at this time, then maybe it's not right for you, or maybe it's not the right time for you yet. Or maybe you're thinking about it because it's what you really want to do, but taking the plunge seems daunting.

I cut contact with my parents 4 months ago. I spent a year beforehand processing my grief and anger, journalling, writing them angry letters in my head, throwing crockery at my garden wall, and going to therapy. Then one day I just wrote them an e-mail and sent it; yes I explained why in it. It just happened spontaneously, the words just flowed and it took no time at all. It was pretty short: I didn't need to emote in the e-mail as I had spent a year doing that to myself. I just exposed how their past and present behaviour affected me, with examples, and told them what I expected now: no contact. Their reaction proved to me that they remain incapable of hearing me or respecting me as a person with my own feelings - confirmation that I had done the right thing, if you will.

From my side, there are no feelings of melodrama. Frankly, I am happier now than I have ever been. They are not "dead to me" or anything like that: they are just people whose behaviour has damaged and disgusted me, I find them unpleasant to deal with, and I know that I am happier without any kind of interaction with them.

Gosh porridge, I am so sorry that you are in this situation and it sounds just awful.

From what I see in your post, your family has a system of dysfunction whereby you are the scapegoat and they heap all of the abuse on you. It sounds like they are systematically using you to vent their frustrations in this family, and thus preserving the relationships with the other. Am I reading that right?

Please get some counselling if you are able. This family dynamic is so unhealthy for you, and you need to get some help so that you can put in some tactics which will help protect you and preserve you.

SoSad ''they are systematically using you to vent their frustrations in this family, and thus preserving the relationships with the other''

I am going to have to go and think about that- when I read it, it was like a light going on.

I have been through (what I thought was) a long period of counselling. And recognised the scapegoating; then recognised that my 'perfect' family is not that at all; but this is another step for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm lucky, there are four of us, and three of us are together on this. Fortunately, it is recognised that I'm always the one that stood up to her. Unfortunately, I think that will continue. I just hope it doesn't cause any resentment with the siblings when I cut contact with her, again. Only this time it will be for good. It was originally but I was asked to make an effort, so I did. However, nothing changed. She lies all the time and it's all about her.
I really can't be arsed.

Thank you for the replies :)

Things are coming to a head I think. My dad is only in the country for another week. He has been here for 10 days and I've only seen him aty brothers wedding. He ignored me. He cut in between my new sister in law and I to hug her, tell her she looked wonderful and then said goodbye. He didn't even look in my direction.

He spent the day playing the doting grandfather to DD but said not one word to DS or me. He asked dd if she could have the day off school to go swimming. She came and asked but I said I'd need to hear details from him. He never came over to ask. I then found out that SIL, DB and my nephew were all invited. The whole family apart from me and DS.

He made a point of introducing his new girlfriend around the family but not me.

The worst thing is he will bide his time and swoop in playing the reasonable one. My brother thinks I should just call him and clear the air. They will start to think its me being unreasonable.

All this because I said he couldn't take DD away for the weekend but she was being bridesmaid on the Monday. I am being punished for saying no. And he knows DD was counting down the days but he thinks I will cave for her sake as I always do.

I don't want to keep this cycle going though. I'm sad at the thought of not having my dad in my life. But he just keeps showing how little I mean to h and that's always going to hurt me. I think it's time to just cut all ties, grieve and move on.

Charlie, you KNOW you made the right decision for you, for your DD and for the wedding party even.

Your brother wants you to call your dad to clear the air... or are YOU supposed to apologise for making a parenting decision.

His ignoring you is ridiculous. I know that it's a tough call, but don't contact him, don't seek him out, leave the ball in HIS court. That is probably in effect you cutting him out of your life, but without the drama of the confrontation.

Bottom line, he thinks he is in the right, so he'll never understand that you ARE entitled to your opinion and that responsibility for your DD is YOURS alone.

You can enforce your own boundaries by saying No and then nothing more. That call WAS yours to make, not his.

Focus on the facts, then the rest is easier to cope with.

Oh, and I'm reporting in to this thread, finally. never thought it was applicable to me but clearly, and increasingly it is.

I'll post more when I'm ready, if that is OK.

Welcome Hissy.

There is no need to apologise for ourselves or beg permission on the Stately Homes thread! We've all done way too much of that already.

I've never post on here but my Dad is emotionally abusive with narcissistic traits and I was the scapegoat growing up. I tried hard to fix things by being subservient, accept all blame and always apologised whenever he lost it with me and hit me.

I thought as adults we'd learnt to rub along but he sent me some very abusive e-mails in April and I had to tell him I'd call the Police if he didn't stop. He now says he has no daughter. Mum wants me to fix it by sending a fathers day card. I am not convinced. I do not want to pander/ enable his bullying. I don't think it will change matters, sadly if I do not send one that maybe used against me, but unless it is sent sincerely and for the right reason (not to attempt to heal a rift) then I do not think I should send one.

What do I do?

he sent me some very abusive e-mails in April and I had to tell him I'd call the Police if he didn't stop. He now says he has no daughter. Mum wants me to fix it by sending a fathers day card.

Can you read this sequence of events as if this weren't you and your parents you were reading about, but some stranger, or even a friend?

Can you the absurdity of your mother's suggestion now?

*can you see

Not really hotdamn. That's the thing. I'm only just fully realising how dysfunctional my family is and how they enable his behaviour They just accept it, that that is who Dad is and make allowances for him.

I read a weblink last night about scapegoating and cried when I realised that was my entire childhood.

Is it ok to pm you hotdamn what my dad sent me? I can't put it on here for fear of him finding it or outing me