"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Good luck plucking. Wonder who you are going to be? The real you, the person who is not supressed by others and it will be truly liberating.

new on this thread. i always thought that my family was weird and that there couldn't be anyone else like us lot but i was so wrong! i am constantly reminded of how i was such a horrible teenager, how my mother wanted to runaway from home because of me. any plans i have or ideas i get are still knocked down and i am made to feel stupid and inadequate. my mother tries to scare me and plays on my deepest fears. she told me that social services would take my daughter away if 1) i went and got counselling for depression and 2) if she got a bump on the head. she tells me how i am such a negative person. how i hurt her so much and don't appreciate all she has done. i have never heard 'i love you' , i can never remember a single hug as a child. although i have a memory of me clinging onto my mother with her turned away from me as she cried because of pnd. when i was a teenager and ended up having to have counselling after a suicide attempt i asked my mother 'why don't you ever say you love me' and she said 'of course i do, i don't need to say it'.
sighs

Hi everyone- I haven't been on here for while, i need to talk about how I have been today- my mom is sucking the life out of me, doctor has put me on 650mg of citolopram now to help me cope and also given me valium for days like today- I just want to sedate myself all the time to stop the torment, she's in my head... I don't know whether I mentioned on here but after she lost it at new yr and said i was responsible for my dads death and the break down of their marriage i started to think maybe it had been the drink talking etc but then she called me up last month and asked me whether my life had been better since she was not in it, I had to say yes it had because i wasn't having to second guess her moods and whether she was upset about somethiing.. anyway in that phonecall she broke me- she told me completely sober at 10am on a tuesday morning that it was infact my fault for all those things and whether i chose to publically acknowledge it I would have find some way to accept it etc.
Brutal.
Still went on to allow her see the kids once in awhile, all the time she showered them with presents etc and was nice to me like nothing was up- always makes me feel really nervous anyway. Its my birthday next week, she has emailed me to tell me she would like to see 'her grandkids' next week as she is away from friday and would like to see them. Its upset me because it is my 30th- I know she is trying to make me sad (like I am) that she doesn't give a shit but i know she'll send me a card but deliberately make me feel the guessing game its her way of getting to me- I don't know how much more i can cope with. I have battled panic attack for about 3 hours now trying to keep it bearable- my husband's frightened and i just want this al to stop, can you hold my hand x

sorry meant to be 60mg!

fortoday I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment.

You have all the resources in hand to cope, though: you are a strong and capable adult now, no longer a child in her thrall. You are already taking responsible steps to be able to cope, such as going to see your GP for medication.

You have discovered something very valuable: that your life is better without her in it. With time and practice, you will even be able to have a life without her in your mind.

You're going through something unpleasant at the moment - heightened grief and anger at her words, which have cut you, no doubt most of all since they are about your dead father.

Her words are just that: words. Words that express whatever issues she carries. They are not yours to carry. Nor can she be anything other than what she is.

Let her be who she is; don't hang on to the desire for her to be otherwise, as it can only cause you pain. Meanwhile, focus on yourself: your desires, your wants, your limits. Know who it is that you want to be. And all the rest be damned.

Thank you plucking - Grandfather lives on......DH got a text from my mother "think he was just putting on an act for the doctors!!" I think someone was putting on an act and it wasn't him....thank you so much for replying to my rant, I'm ok - managing, but wondering what they'll do next.

I know where you are coming from, being the 'nice one' who doesn't rock the boat - they are outraged when you break out of that. It's great that you can look to the future like that, you have a brilliant outlook.

fortoday I am appalled at your mother for emailing you and requesting (although I bet its more like demanding) to see your kids!!! Since when does she get to dictate her access to your children?!?! And over and above your 30th birthday??? I am so angry that she is doing this to you - it brings up a lifetime of similar manipulations that my mother has done to me.

Please, please look after yourself. You and your husband need to calm yourselves and get yourselves to a better place emotionally, mentally psychologically etc etc. I don't know if you have read any of the links at the beginning of this thread, but they have been useful for many of us who are only starting this journey. Please take some measures to calm yourself, as your kids will certainly feed on this anxiety .

And lastly happy birthday for next week , I'm wishing you the absolutely wonderful, loving, joyous birthday that you should be having.

I just need to get this off my chest.

My dad's parting words to me after a 6 week visit (we're in Oz, he only actually saw us for 8 days of his stay) were:

"do what [DH] says - he knows what's best"

Arana: what would you like to get off your chest directly to your dad, if you were to tell him how you feel about this?

Maybe it will help you to write it out here.

I'm in the process of writing it all down. I won't confront my dad - I've tried that a couple of times during his visit and both times ended badly. I self harmed last week, and was feeling genuinely suicidal yesterday.

He's gone now, so I can start to rebuild.

I won't confront my dad - I've tried that a couple of times during his visit and both times ended badly.

Badly how? If he - like all self-absorbed people - turned it all on you, through rage or blame or denial or a martyr act, then I would count that as a success: you give him a chance to take your feelings into account, and he demonstrated that he is not able to take your feelings on board.

So now you truly know what you are dealing with: success. Well done for confronting him, by the way: that was brave.

I'm sorry you felt bad enough to self-harm. I am of the school of thought that it is better to direct anger where it belongs, and I would prefer to see you tell him how much he hurts you, rather than for you to turn it on yourself.

Arana I am in the process of confronting and cutting ties, and I know how easy it is for anger to turn inwards.

I have recently read the book The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis which is really good at exploring healing from dysfunction and abuse. There is a very good section on self-loathing, self-harm and feelings of suicide and I am copying it out here as it has really helped me. I carry around the section I've highlighted below in my wallet to remind me, in case I feel overwhelmed:

Sometimes you feel so bad, you want to die. The pain is so great, your feelings of self-loathing so strong, the fear so intense, that you really don?t want to live. These are your authentic feelings and it is important not to deny them. It is also essential not to act on them. It?s okay to feel as devastated as you feel. It?s just not okay to hurt yourself. We have lost far too many women already. Far too many victims?both adults and children?have lacked adequate support and, out of despair, have killed themselves. We can?t afford to lose more. We can?t afford to lose you. You deserve to live.

Plucking Even if they do all die before they get your letters, you have still written them. You have still spelt out exactly what they have done and said to you. You have still had enormous courage and strength to get that far.

You keep going girl, you're worth your weight in gold many times over.....

Onward and upward and don't dare do anything to yourself!

dear fortoday, wow is all i can say, I am so sorry. but you are doing the right thing and hopefully this will help you find a way away from her! hopefully the therapist can give you concrete suggestions.
my dad is/was manic depressive and very angry all the time, sounds like your mother has a major problem of that order, perhaos which has never been diagnosed (we only know about my dad because he started accusing all of us of being metnally ill if we disagreed with him when manic/mad, so confessed he had treatment etc).

you must give yourself permission to stay away from her and keep her away from you. its your life now. don't worry if she never accepts its, not your problem. stay strong and make sure you get lots of cuddles from your dh

Hi plucking.
Hand holding for you - hope it goes well xx

I'm new here,
it is sad to be here xx

Plucking What's the worst they can do to you? Shout? Yes?

Remember, metaphoric earplugs or fingers in the ears shouting "la la la la i can't hear you...."