"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

:) Thanks HotDAMN

Saw my brother earlier he said hed seen my mum and had the most hilarious news! Shes applied, with her partner, to become foster parents Whilst this will keep me laughing for days, I just wanted to ask you guys - they wont let her will they? I mean she was neglectful and emotionally bizarre but I guess there is no official record (AFAIK) of her that would make her unsuitable that I know of? My brother said when he asked her why she was doing it she said 'because of the money' [hmmm] I am trying to completely detach myself from her so for that reason dont want to get involved but should I rely on SS judgement or give them a call

While I know nothing about the criteria for selecting foster parents in this country arfur, I dare say the people interviewing for people to fill foster parent roles will be able to see through the 'doing it purely for the money' attitude pretty soon.

If you find out via your brother that she's actually in with a chance of having vulnerable children placed with her then I would def. think of calling SS or whoever is involved in the process.

well she needs personal references, who would she choose?
Sadly I know some FC who do it for the money only :(

Good point about the references and the sad fact that some people do go into it for the money.

Which leads smoothly into sharing one of my darker gripes with my foster family. All else aside they did get financial help with my upbringing.

Yet no matter what it was I needed from a pencil case to new clothes there was this whole drama and dance created about the expense of it all which just left me feeling like a real burden and like I had to be inordinately grateful for every tiny thing.

Yet they're biological children (adults who had left home by the time I arrived) could freely demand and were given without the song and dance.

Plus they got a good little worker bee in me who worked on their farm every day without fail. Still remember the joy of not being tied to the sodding cows milking time anymore when I arrived in England :)

Never talked about that side of things before, felt good, thank you all for the space to allow me to do that.

Thanks for your replies. Have been desperately racking my brains as to things that could stop her qualifying and wonder if her constant rent arrears and eviction threats will count? Also shes had several brushes with the benefit fraud people although never actually charged as not enough evidence. Just hoping they find all this out. Am also slightly suspicious that she might be saying this to db to get a reaction from me, but he said theyd already had a visit from someone (again maybe lies) (hopefully) either way Im glad shes out of my life now mostly

Can I join please? I feel like I am at the end of my tether with my mother after yesterday. I had the full brunt of the narcissistic rage thrown at me and although I gave as good as I got I feel depressed and anxious about it now. It was a horrible, aggressive encounter.

Thank you to the poster of the links at the start of this thread. I recognise many of the npd traits and behaviour in her and my childhood experiences (and that of brother too, as I have recently discovered.)

I want to cut down my contact but my father has a chronic condition and is dependent on her for cooking, clean clothes etc. The joke is that she used to be a carer but my dad's illness is an inconvenience to her and she treats his needs with contempt. She only talks about how my dad has brought it upon himself (it is a smoking related condition) and how she cannot do things because of his limited mobility. There is no empathy for how he is feeling. On reading the link to the daughters of npd mothers, I can see that he is now in the place that my brother and I were as children, and at her mercy.

The other issue that is really bothering me and on which I have confronted her twice about, is how she is behaving towards my daughter. My daughter is 4. When she was 2 I started a part time job and my parents used to look after her for two afternoons a week. At this point I had never heard of npd and put my mothers treatment of me as a child down to her struggling with a teenage girl who had her own opinions. She had also become a doting grandmother and I really believed she had changed. Things went well and my daughter has a fantastic bond with her grandparents. However, recently she seems to gravitate to my dad more than my mum. He plays with her, does silly voices, songs etc. My mum has started making snidy comments to her, saying you don't love your nanny anymore, you prefer your grandad and trying to grab her for a cuddle when she wants to play. It is worse now that I have had another baby as he is now the golden child whilst my daughter is ignored mostly.

God, this is like an essay but it keeps pouring out, sorry! I have so much more I want to say.

arfur that's a tough one. Indeed, she is out of your life, so you don't need to involve yourself in any more of her madness. However, if you feel a moral responsibility to try and warn the people who will qualify her for fostering, the best thing you can do is try to get information on how that might work - from the authorities themselves, from a charity, from CAB maybe? But don't speak to her about it directly: she is out of your life, and you don't need to embroil yourself in any more of her madness.

LadyFace I can understand feeling emotionally depleted after a confrontational encounter with a narc. Do you have a RL outlet you can speak to about the encounter? I have found that helps, whereas keeping it in causes depressive feelings.

I want to cut down my contact but my father has a chronic condition and is dependent on her for cooking, clean clothes etc.

I don't follow the logic in that. Your father still has a choice to remain with her or not; you do not need to be a buffer for him.

As for your daughter, your mother's put downs are harming her psyche. There is no way a child can be told things like that by a trusted adult carer and role model without injury. Can you find other childcare arrangements?

My DH is very supportive and has seen her in action throwing a sandwich at my dad! I feel a lot better this morning having ranted to him yesterday and posting on this thread.

My parents are both retired and my dad has a progressive illness and as such I doubt he will still be around in 5 years time. I am close to my dad, although I can see he has been an enabler of her behaviour, but I always felt he was on my side. They live nearby and as neither of them drive, I take my dad to a lot of his hospital appointments and shopping.

She has not looked after my dd for well over a year and I am now a sahm. When she has pulled her "you don't love your nanny" stunts, I have pulled her up on it immediately which has resulted in her flouncing off and not speaking to me for a week or so. I want my dd to see that I will stand up for her. Do you think that dd picks up on the lack of affection between my mother and I, hence her own distancing from my mother? Dd has never seen us hug goodbye for example.

I just hate the front she puts on to other people. They have no idea what she is really like. We had to go to a funeral recently which was a five hour drive away. Dh stayed at home with the children and my brother and I shared the driving.
We had to leave at about 8am to get there in time. When I arrived to pick them up she was still asleep and refusing to get up. She then had a full on tantrum at us for waking her up, making her get up early when she was too tired, complaining she had not had breakfast, why did she have to go, no one talks to her anyway etc. We ended up leaving 30 minutes late and she spent the first half an hour screaming at me as her hair was still wet and she hadn't done her make up.

At the funeral she was as nice as pie in front of everyone, talking to me as if it had never happened. I was speechless!

I dread my dad passing away as she is so useless she cannot even change a lightbulb. Dh and I are thinking of moving at that point.

she spent the first half an hour screaming at me as her hair was still wet and she hadn't done her make up. At the funeral she was as nice as pie in front of everyone, talking to me as if it had never happened.

Ladyface - what would you tell a 3-6 yo child, had just spent time tantrumming, and then suddently starting putting on the charm as if her tantrum had never happened? I would have thought something along the lines of "I'll speak to you nicely after you apologise for screaming at me in the car on the way over." So what if it makes for an awkward moment in front of third parties? She's banking on you not wanting to pull her up on her bahaviour in front of others.

As you are a mother who's been through raising a toddler, you know exactly how to handle your narc mother, as they have the emotional maturity of 3 to 6 year olds.

My first counselling appointment is tomorrow and am so relieved that its finally come around as have been having a really tough few weeks. Everything regarding my mother is resurfacing - I guess because I dont have contact with her now my body has decided its safe to let memories and emotions resurface but its incredibly hard to deal with esp all at once. Ive had a few days where ive stayed in, had the TV on as a distrcation and just functioned with DD. Everything that's happened with AP has been put on hold. Luckily his cognitive behavioural therapy and counselling are really helping and we've not had a single incident since I've moved back. A huge part of the problem was all the bollocks about my MH that my mother had been feeding him and being able to clear all that out of the picture has meant that we can see what his triggers are and he's working on them as opposed to believing im the issue as Im mentally unwell! Its been a very tough year though and I still don't know whether Im going to have to up and leave again if AP slips back to the abuse. i'm very much looking forward to DD turning 1 in a few weeks and being able to celebrate that without any toxic influences.

i've printed out a copy of the document my mother wrote as evidence of my imaginary MH problems so that I have a prompt if my mind goes blank in counselling. Every single thing she's written makes my blood boil and Im very tempted to post it on here but am resisting the urge!!

Although i will post the opening paragraph - this was submitted to AP's solicitor when I went into refuge after a threat to DD and several months of sexual and emotional abuse

"This is an account giving background information regarding the disappearance of my daughter Twinkle and granddaughter Wibble and allegations made towards AP, her partner. I am concerned about Twinkle's mental health at this time and the wellbeing of my granddaughter. Twinkle has run away before when she was still at school and has a history of creating fantasy worlds to escape into when reality becomes too difficult or too painful to deal with. the present fantasy situation that she has created in which she is a victim of domestic violence and abuse is very serious and has huge implications that could affect AP and Wibble's future."

and this bit

"twinkle became involved with two dominant girls at school. To draw attention to herself she told these girls that she was being neglected by myself where she was deprived of food and washing facilities. She also said that her stepfather walked in on her when she was in the bathroom. One of the girls told teaching staff at the school about Twinkle's situation and this enabled Twinkle to continue with story and she was convinced by by a member of the teaching staff that since she had turned 17 she had rights and could leave home. ... Twinkle had contacted SS herself to report this abuse and it was only after we met with the headteacher and another member of staff to put our side of the story that the school realised what was going on and that this in fact was an elaborate fabrication in which Twinkle manipulated her peers, their parents, the school and other agencies. After a couple of weeks Twinkle became ill and broke down and I was able to bring her home. The school had arranged counselling which we were never sure took place as the counsellor gave her lifts and a box of chocolates which we thought was inappropriate."

this is why I never dared report the abuse from AP - because I had told the school and SS about how my mother wouldn't allow me to use the shower because I "wasted water" or eat dinner because "you didn't tell me you would be here" and about how there was no lock on the bathroom door and people would just amble in knowing I was in there. It was utterly discredited by everyone except the counsellor who brought me a box of chocolates one week as a sugar boost because I felt faint having been given no lunch or breakfast that day by mummykins. and the lifts were preferable to me walking the hours walk home after counselling part of which involved crossing a dual carriageway. makes my blood boil.

rant over, sorry for thread hogging

That's great that you are going to start therapy, Twinkle. What you describe - staying in, using distractions and just focusing on functioning - sounds like a fine coping mechanism to deal with the flashbacks. I suspect these might be coming out because you're now feeling stronger so it's "safe" for them to re-surface.

I'm curious: what made you decide to move back in with your abusive partner?

Ive been asked that a lot!!

A huge part of it was finding out how involved my mum was - telling him that i had this condition where i would take a normal argument and blow it out of all proportion etc. He had been abused himself as a child and so saw his treatment of me as in a way normal. She supported this theory and prevented him from being able to recognise that he was doing some very wrong things. Once Id removed her from the picture and talked to him to took himself off to the doctors, is now on an adjusted anti depressant dose, has counselling and behavioural therapy. we put things in place at the beginning where I laid out exactly what i thought was unacceptable and what was ok. he agreed to leave the home, shop, area etc if I felt he was beginning to get controlling etc.

We also applied to have a SAFE worker, Family support worker and Social Services were involved. I have connections in the DV local police unit and at the refuge here and the second one I stayed at. i also have sympathetic neighbours with a car if I need to get out. he's doing incredibly well and so far no incidents. Its hilarious in discussions because he's been told to work on his body language and he will sit on the floor to ensure he's not dominating the space! SS have now shut the case and handed it back to HV as they feel AP has progressed really well with the therapy etc and that there is no immediate risk to DD.

i met him when we were both living with our parents still and his Dad was violent and sexually abuse. he also controlled the money and had very high expectations of AP. I knew that this was why he had gone down the abusive route, its so recent that when i got pregnant he put on hold the help he was going to get to help him deal with it all and I believe this was a big influence over how things turned out. He has accepted that he fucked up, but he is able to recognise why. He has said that it was easy to cross the boundary of hurting me because he self harmed and already had no respect for himself. In dealing with the self harm and his own self image he's tackled that issue. Equally the comments about my weight have stopped now that he's done some work to tackle his eating disorder. As long as he's commited to the therapy I have to give him that chance because I knew him before he snapped and the person he's becoming with the therapy is that old him again. I thinkl part of it is also that I can't change things with my mum, but he WANTS to change so aslong as there's that chance Im going to take it.

i have told him and SS that the SECOND he lapses back to the abuse - be that emotional or anything else I will leave. I wont tolerate that kind of thing ever again. We'll see. But so far so good.

First post here:

DS2 is 3 months old. DS1 is 2.5 yrs. Seeing my dad interact with DS1 has brought back a lot of bad childhood memories.

I don't know if my dad is totally narc. I'm so confused.

Spent teenage years and uni years depressed, self harming and attempting suicide.

But at the same time I wonder - how can I be that badly damaged? I must be imagining how bad it was/is. I have a great husband (who I emotionally abuse). I have two lovely boys.

My dad spoils me a lot - paid for university, my wedding, bought me a house.

I'm so insecure about our relationship. Sometimes I hate him, but I also love him and am desperate for his approval. I moved far away from him - thousands of miles. But we visit often.

I'm the eldest of four. I think I was a difficult child. I remember crying lots, feeling sad and guilty, even when I was very young. Dad is very controlling. Took me years to realise how he invaded every inch of my personality and mind. He was a good dad in many ways, took us on holiday, on day trips, to the library, to playgrounds. But always pressure. That's what I remember - intense pressure to behave, think, be what he wanted/expected. Then fury, punishment, coldness if I was different.

It's only very recently that I've started making decisions based on what I want instead of trying to please others.

My mum is very passive and quiet. He abuses her emotionally. My dad is an extrovert. My personality is quite similar to his. I resent my mum because she didn't assert herself. She didn't protect me. She let him be a tyrant.

He had a terrible temper - would lose control, really scary - terrifying. Hit me. Would follow it up with huge apologies and affection. Never affectionate otherwise.

I was very intelligent and academically gifted. Had trouble making and maintaining friendships as dad very strict and made fun/ criticised my friends/boyfriends. Shattered my confidence.

I'm 30 now.

Never listens to what I say. Has no idea who I am and no interest in finding out. Very selfish and self-absorbed. Reacted horrendously to my depression and self-harm. I understand he was hurting, but I was a child - needed love and care. Acted like I was doing it to hurt him personally. Did the same to my sister when she hurt her back and had to take a year out - it was all about him.

Even now he buys me Christmas presents that he likes - things I have no interest in. Makes it clear my life is dull and boring.

Makes a huge effort to help others. Is gregarious and entertaining.

He doesn't listen to anything I say - never remembers things, forgets promises - not on purpose, he's just so incredibly self-absorbed.

I don't think he's consciously evil or abusive but he has really damaged me. When we were staying with my parents recently he criticised my parenting continuously. Ground me down and really affected my relationship with my son. Shattered my confidence again. Told me my parenting choices were "odd" (co-sleeping). Made fun of my son all the time, saying things like "mummy's going away and never coming back". My son worshipped him, it broke my heart to see the cycle repeating -DS1 would shout for him and be ignored. He smacked him and I asked him not to and he stormed off in a temper.

Constant temper tantrums, bad moods - of course I still imagine they're my fault.

Does this sound that bad? I need some sort of reassurance/validation. Therapist I saw in my teens blamed me for being over-sensitive.

Loeeloee You weren't a difficult child. You were reacting to being so controlled and so scared.... Stop beating yourself up about this. It wasn't you, it was your Dad.

Most teens are over-sensitive - it's puberty. Coupled with the fact that your Dad has ridden roughshod over your life, it's no wonder you were so sensitive.

Headspace. You need some headspace away from him in order to gather your thoughts. Can you take a step back with regard to contact with him?

Oh, and he's treating DS1 absolutely appallingly. For that alone, I would back w-a-y off. It's down to you to protect your DS, your Dad doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart - just his own......

I have a great husband (who I emotionally abuse).

Why do you think this? Can you elaborate?

lemonylemon I moved to another continent to get headspace and it worked. These feelings have all been dredged up because we recently spent four months together (me and DS1 staying with my parents), I then gave birth and have been struggling with PND. I had been ignoring it but it's come rushing back in glorious technicolour.

HotDAMNlifeisgood I'm very controlling. I fly off the handle and have broken things in rage, I get very angry and find it hard to calm down, I take my black moods out on him, will try to pick fights, harass him when he's doing things other than pay attention to me - basically behave like a spoilt child. I am so ashamed of myself. He is very kind and loving and is supporting me while I try to get better.

What are you doing to try to get better? Do you have a good therapist?

I am trying to get better by myself - I am trying to be conscious of my behaviour - modify it hugely. Reading/posting here are part of it. Accept I need therapy but not ready yet - not sure exactly what I need to ask for.

I've lurked on here for a while, but never actually got round to posting.

It was partly due to the fact that although most of the people that had looked after me growing up (with the exception of my grandparents and my sister) at a time when I needed them most, chose themselves over me. My mum walked out when I was five, my stepmum threw me out when I was 17 etc.

I always joked that my family was screwed up except for my Dad - he'd always been OK.

The wool has finally been lifted, and after a pretty upsetting chain of events and choices by my dad (that I doubt he's even aware of, even though I've tried to explain) I now realise that the only family I have that will be there for me are my (long-suffering) husband and children, and my lovely, equally fucked up sister. (We're half sisters and don't share a dad, which is why I've always been blinkered in my affection for him.)

So anyway, I can't really type much more, as I'm at work, but I just wanted to get that off my chest. My Dad is an emotionally damaging self-absorbed narcissist.

There. Done.

Welcome Arana.

I now realise that the only family I have that will be there for me are my (long-suffering) husband and children, and my lovely, equally fucked up sister.

You also have yourself. Unfair and difficult as it is, as capable grown-ups, we can now fix (much of) the damage done to us by shitty parenting, and rely on our own selves for stability, love, encouragement, and so on.

Hi Just wondered if this is the latest thread?
had to do a search as unusually there didn't seem to be an active one on the first few pages.
Need some advice if anyone is around?

Yes this is the latest thread. Haven't seen you here for a while trs hope you are well???