DH's big boozy nights out becoming more regular

[Mintyleaf]

My DH works hard, is caring, great dad to our DCs etc etc etc. However he is a useless drinker, always has been. He has very little tolerance for alcohol, but it doesn't stop him from matching bigger drinkers pint for pint when he goes out with friends or work colleagues.

He comes home rolling drunk, often having been sick, and has been sick on our carpets, the sofa, the bed, etc after big nights out in the past. He isn't abusive at all, but he will argue (slurringly) that he isn't drunk etc and is generally mightily annoying.

I have put up with these nights out on the basis that he works hard etc etc but now he is going out more frequently with work contacts (his job involves socialising) and any daytime event (golf, football type thing with meal and hospitality) will always turn into a mammoth session and he won't get in til late o'clock, steaming drunk, no matter what time they started or how sedate it's meant to be.

My heart sinks when he casually mentions a forthcoming event as I know I will be looking after the kids all day and night then trying to persuade him to get into bed, quietly, he has got into bed with all clothes and shoes on, wiping his shoes on our pillows etc, just really ick stuff like that. In the past he would be so drunk he wouldn't even try to make a dash for the bathroom when he was sick, nor the bucket I put by the side of the bed. He'd insist he didn't need it then be sick next to it. At least he tries to get to the bathroom now though he is irritatingly sick in the basin not the toilet not nice to clean up.

His defence is that he works hard and is a "model" DH and dad the rest of the time so I just have to accept these (increasingly frequent) occasions.

I don't go out as often, but when I do, I come home tipsy at most. I've done the drinking til sick thing in my 20's and I enjoy drinks but when I start to feel sick I stop, whereas he will carry on til he is sick then drink some more (because his more alcohol tolerant mates are).

Is it just something I should put up with? In the past he wasn't even sorry no matter how sick he'd been, or where, or how drunk. Nowadays at least he'll say sorry the next morning but I suspect it's just something to say. I don't think he honestly means it, it just tides him over til the next time... and the next.

Just a bit fed up of it all and wanted to vent.... should it just be accepted because he's pretty good in most other ways?

Sorry will bow out now. Hope things become clearer for you OP. I will ask for my comment to be deleted as it's caused offence even though i stated I wasn't likening the OP's DH to HS!

IPOM - i understand your frustration with the op but you must also understand that right now this is a HUGE and very frightening issue for her! of course his behaviour is unacceptable and she can see that - my dh took years to tackle me about my drinking, he knew that once he started in a certain direction that there was no going back, when he made his ultimatum to me he was terrifed, if i hadnt taken it seriously his marriage would have been gone, our home, our family, me! and despite everything he still loved me and wanted to be with me!, he also knew that if i did take him seriously that our lives would change anyway, our whole way of life changed, i changed/am changing still and at times its made things very difficult, the whole dyanamic of our relationship has changed immeasurably

the op knows she is making excuses but we dont have to get annoyed with her, just be supportive.

your comment has not offended me, it has just made you look a little silly, im sure you have good intentions though!

No i think it was Synfem who was offended judging by her reply, but think you've also missed the point i was trying to make so I should think more before posting. I totally get that the OP must be feeling very anxious and overwhelmed so wouldn't want to upset her further. Have reported my post.

Glad you've managed to change, keep up the good work!

Offended by the comparison - no
astounded by its insensitive stupidity - yes

and the advice that alcoholism may be linked to childhood trauma is dangerous. Well then the research must be wrong.

I offered an alternative to the let him hang vibe which perpetuates, the op is being harranged for supporting hin !

Um, guys... please can we all calm down?

I am very appreciative of all your inputs and I will step back and read them all again to help decide a plan of action. There's no ostrich approach, I require some time to process that's all.

Thanks

Bit of a curt reply Jesus. You go on to say that you're still changing etc (I'm paraphrasing), so to simply say you stopped drinking may be accurate but it doesn't aid understanding the process, if there is one. I thought you might explain how you managed it. I'm interested.

Do you fancy op? I would find it hard to find someone like this attractive. Wiping his shoes on your pillows-eeeew!

I was married to a wee when drunk man.He peed the bed the carpet my make up bag everywhere.I dreaded every social occasion,holidays and staying at friends.Im so glad he is my ex.
On another note,i am a puker.I have done it more times than i care to remember but as i got older and grew up i realised that i needed to drink less and stop before i ruined everyones night by being sick.
A drink problem is defined by many different things,one of which is negatively affecting your relationship as is his drinking.

sorry patsy, i didnt mean to be curt! the thing is though, i did simply stop drinking, since my last drink over 18 months ago, i havent had any at all, i do go to AA, at first i went practically everyday, proberbly for a couple of months, now i just go occasionally as and when i feel the need - it hasnt been easy going at times, the few weeks were pretty nightmareish, i think that has as much to do with your body detoxing as much as your mind set changing iyswim? - my family have all been fully supportive and as helpful as they could have been, dh went went to al anon for a few months but the longer im sober the less he needs 'outside' help - our marriage has changed in many ways, my alcoholism has taken a long time to take hold, when we first met i was a 'normal' drinker and we were a very equal kind of couple, that changed somewhat as my drinking worsend, now however, we are getting back to a partnership of equals, it can be hard at times as habits are hard to change, but we are getting there!, regaining ones self respect is a fantastic feeling, coming out of the fog that booze creates is an absolute revelation, i think even 'normal' drinkers should try it sometimes, its great!

the first few weeks

OP - how about you film him when he's drunk and then show him what he's like?

Can you cover a room in tarpaulin before he gets home and just let him lie on there in the recovery position so he can't choke?

Or make him lie down in the garden instead of letting him in the house when it's a bit warmer?

My sympathies, it's difficult when your H is so Jekyll and Hyde. I would suggest though that you look at yourself too, perhaps try some counselling - none of his behaviour is your fault and you can't change him. It's depressing, but the only way you can feel better is by finding out why his behaviour bothers you so much, how much more you're prepared to put up with, and what you'd ideally like to happen, and then what you want to do if it doesn't happen.

Thanks Jesus. Brilliant. I'm glad you feel so good. Thanks for posting.

^^ I posted that from my phone-that looks a bit curt too!

I think people who recognise there is a problem, then cut out the drinking, are pretty amazing. I would like my dp to drop drinking altogether, but really if I could ensure he never binged again, I have no problem with the odd pint here or there. but that's what is so hard-even I'm doing it-"normalising" it. Oh it's just a pint here and there. And that's what he does. And that's what society does. Very difficult.