DH's big boozy nights out becoming more regular

[Mintyleaf]

My DH works hard, is caring, great dad to our DCs etc etc etc. However he is a useless drinker, always has been. He has very little tolerance for alcohol, but it doesn't stop him from matching bigger drinkers pint for pint when he goes out with friends or work colleagues.

He comes home rolling drunk, often having been sick, and has been sick on our carpets, the sofa, the bed, etc after big nights out in the past. He isn't abusive at all, but he will argue (slurringly) that he isn't drunk etc and is generally mightily annoying.

I have put up with these nights out on the basis that he works hard etc etc but now he is going out more frequently with work contacts (his job involves socialising) and any daytime event (golf, football type thing with meal and hospitality) will always turn into a mammoth session and he won't get in til late o'clock, steaming drunk, no matter what time they started or how sedate it's meant to be.

My heart sinks when he casually mentions a forthcoming event as I know I will be looking after the kids all day and night then trying to persuade him to get into bed, quietly, he has got into bed with all clothes and shoes on, wiping his shoes on our pillows etc, just really ick stuff like that. In the past he would be so drunk he wouldn't even try to make a dash for the bathroom when he was sick, nor the bucket I put by the side of the bed. He'd insist he didn't need it then be sick next to it. At least he tries to get to the bathroom now though he is irritatingly sick in the basin not the toilet not nice to clean up.

His defence is that he works hard and is a "model" DH and dad the rest of the time so I just have to accept these (increasingly frequent) occasions.

I don't go out as often, but when I do, I come home tipsy at most. I've done the drinking til sick thing in my 20's and I enjoy drinks but when I start to feel sick I stop, whereas he will carry on til he is sick then drink some more (because his more alcohol tolerant mates are).

Is it just something I should put up with? In the past he wasn't even sorry no matter how sick he'd been, or where, or how drunk. Nowadays at least he'll say sorry the next morning but I suspect it's just something to say. I don't think he honestly means it, it just tides him over til the next time... and the next.

Just a bit fed up of it all and wanted to vent.... should it just be accepted because he's pretty good in most other ways?

Oh yeah - the "going out more" suggestion. How very kind. Though don't see how the OP going out more would somehow make him throwing up everywhere any more acceptable. It's complete diversionary tactics - and rather sly IMO, almost as if he's saying "if I "let" her go out more, she'll lose the right to complain about me".... not quite sure how though ? Maybe she's supposed to feel so exceptionally "grateful" to the kind sir that she'll "let him off" in return ?

The only way the OP going out more would stop this would be if she was out literally every night and he was therefore totally prevented from leaving the house.

I agree with all those who said he must clean up his own mess but that doesn't solve the problem of stained, impregnanted, stinky (or totally ruined) carpets/furniture/mattresses etc ..... which they will be if it takes him xx hours to surface before even attempting to clean, and, are regularly thrown up upon. With someone doing this to such an extent, I'd want to protect my home from now on.

yep, cats, by barring him from it when he gets himself in this state

Cats - at least it will give him the evidence of his actions and perhaps jolt him into changing. Then he will have to use the money he works hard for to replace carpets etc, or if he cuts down on bossy nights out he might have more money.

No one is saying it's easy but the longer OP continues to clear up his mess, the longer this pattern will continue until he becomes very ill. A few stained carpets etc are nothing when you think at this rate he'll be dead in a few years :( Alcohol causes more deaths per year than all the illicit drugs put together. Alcohol is arguably the most dangerous drug of all and so if you choose to use it (and I do drink), use it with caution. I have worked in the alcohol & drug sector for many years and have seen the damage alcohol does to individuals and their families.

Boozy not bossy!

Ipom ..... agree with your 2nd para completely, and obviously, worse case scenario, stained carpets pale into insignificance. But ....... was just thinking how revolting and tenacious dried up vomit is, and how hard it is to clean up thoroughly even when it's newly thrown up. I'm not suggesting the OP cleans up his mess, not at all, but neither is it right or pleasant that she and the kids would otherwise have to live in a stained, stinky home until such time he gets his act together - that might be years. She really does have the right to live in a pleasant environment in the meantime. Hence my suggestion he sleeps in the shed/garage ...... wasn't joking .... that'd still have to be cleaned up but at least the OP wouldn't have to sleep with it. Even better, if he ended up vomiting over friends' homes, the disgust they showed might be a bit of a wake up call for him. At home, in the house, he's normalising what he's doing - and I wonder if him doing the cleaning up, even if he finds it irritating, would be enough to make him take a good hard look at himself ?

Boys will be boys. Ask yourself why he needs to go out regularly, what is he lacking at home that creates the need. Try and understand his needs too.

Huh ? That's bollocks.

Ridiculous wind up

Ignore

Re the telling him he's not coming back in, well, there's absolutely zip chance he would agree to that and if I locked him out this would escalate far and beyond. Additionally I think that it would make the problem worse as, if he knows he doesn't have to face me, then he can mask the drinking. He'll say he only had a few, how would I know? Also, he will roll up at what time? 12? 2pm the next day? So I get the kids, he gets a nice lie-in in a hotel. No, that's not the answer. I want to prevent the problem from happening in the first place, not enable him to drink even more because he's got a hotel room ready to crash in.

As I said, apart from this he's a really good DH and dad. He doesn't drink during the week and we don't even have a local pub, so he doesn't nip off for a few pints regularly. He just waits for anything approaching a usual night out with friends or colleagues and treats it like some guys would treat a stag do event that happens once in a blue moon ie really letting their hair down, overconsuming etc.

The thing is I have NO issue with him going out or getting drunk. It's HOW drunk and how regularly he does it. I want him to tone it down not stop going out or ever having a drink again.

Knowing my DH as I do, I think what I said yesterday was by far the most meaningful conversation we have ever had, mainly because I used terms like alcoholic, binge drinking, drinking problem, addicted to drinking, out of control drinking behaviour etc rather than just saying "you shouldn't drink so much, it's not fair, blah blah blah". At first he was like "Whaaaat?! Don't be ridiculous... I don't have a drink problem". Then I saw it start to sink in.

Obviously only time will tell. I won't ever clean up the sick again and I may consider filming him in future, but mainly I think I will set some boundaries before he goes out and see if he has it in him to stick to them. If not then I will get him some material to read from Al-Anon or similar to make it more... official as it were, so he takes it more seriously than just "my nagging wife".

Thanks again all

A wind up ! Or a different perspective. People do things for a reason. You want to find the solution, address the cause, not the action. And dont be swayed by mob rule, im surprised a call the cops post hasnt been made.

But if he has got a drinking problem Minty, then the point is he won't be able to tone it down. He has no stop button has he? My dp goes out less than yours I think, but I have reached breaking point regarding the stop button. My dp has set his own boundaries before he has gone out, let alone me doing it. He has promised and promised that he will stick to whatever the agreement is, and he hasn't done so. I'm just saying that you should prepare yourself for this stage, and decide what you're going to do if he fails to stick to stuff you have agreed.

I hope it works out.

Minty

You're as caught up in his drink problem as he is; you are his codependent within all this which is unhealthy for you. You're now also trying to downplay his drink problem in your second paragraph likely out of a combination of fear, guilt and shame all of which are totally misplaced emotions on your part.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Have you actually tried telling him that he's not coming back in or are you too afraid of his reaction if you were to do that?. You are playing a part in this as well. As I've mentioned already he is likely to be badly underestimating how much he is putting away.

Also he is not patently either a good dad (that comment again, gah) or H to you if he is acting like this. Denial is a powerful force isn't it?. It does not matter a jot that he does not drink during the week (how do you know that for sure?); he will find any excuse or any occasion to drink and drink to excess. Your H is likely to be termed a functioning alcoholic but he cannot control his drinking when he is on any function. Alcoholics are not all those on a park bench nor do they have to even drink every day. You've seen the results already of these nights out.

As for wanting him to tone it down its not possible to do if he is an alcoholic.

You have previously written he has dismissed your concerns; what has really changed now?. He has told you nothing of any real susbtance; where is his responsibility for this actions?. What you have tried to date has not worked and boundaries you set may subsequently be trodden on.

You Minty (not your H) need to read the material from Al-anon as it is designed primarily for family members of problem drinkers to read.

Minty

It is not down to you to try and police his drinking because that approach will not work. It is also not your responsibility to try and determine why he is acting like this in the first place; that is for him to want to find out and he's not wanting to address why.

You are not responsible for him but you seem to be very responsible for him.

You can only help your own self ultimately, your H is currently not interested and he has you around to pick up the pieces post any drinking binges. Enabling him as you have done has not and will not work; that helps neither of you.

Hi Minty, yes def seek some advice from al anon or even contact alcohol concern - there are such things as family services and it might help you set those boundaries to talk to someone about your situation.

The problem is that you cannot prevent this from happening. It's totally out of your control. Your DH is the only one who can do that and he doesn't sound like he is quite as far along the line in recognizing he has a drink problem as you are.

Set boundaries that are acceptable to you but also you might have to allow it to escalate a little in order for things to change - a person needs to feel uncomfortable to change their behaviour. Him puking everywhere and you having to clean it up, worry about the risks he's taking, all the things you describe is totally unacceptable. End of. Regardless of how wonderful a human being he is at other times. Please do not make excuses for this vile behaviour from him, it doesn't mean you love him less or make him a worse dad.

Meant to add - take care of yourself, living like this must be very stressful - cleaning up in t he middle of the night and then caring for the DC the next day while he sleeps off his hangovers. You must feel exhausted.

Tell your dp you have been thinking about your conversation.

Tell him that either he goes home to stay with his parents for the night after a big piss up - if they are near enough - can't see them being very pleased by his antics and they might be able to stick a rocket up him about how bad he is.

If that is a non-starter, go to the DIY shop, get a large plastic dust sheet or two, a very cheap plastic lilo and a maybe a very cheap fleece blanket - the sort ikea sell for a couple of pounds. And make sure you have a camcorder and all rhe cleaning stuff you will need at the ready.

Before he goes out, remind him of your conversation and say you are sick of having to clear up his vomit for the umpteenth time so he needs to help you get the room ready before he goes out. Spread the plastic dustsheets out wherever you think he is usually sick and make him blow up the lilo and put the blanket out for him, all on a plastic dust sheet, so that if he is sick then all you need to do is leave him in it but clearing up will be relatively easy (albeit still disgusting!) - throw the dust sheets away, hose down the lilo and wash the blanket, all of which he can do when he wakes up. Plus remind him that you want him to see what he is like drunk so the camera is there ready to record him on his return.

If he tries to complain it isn't necessary point out that he isn't the one that gas had the revolting job of clearing up so far and whilst you are more than happy to be proved wrong you both know in your heart of hearts that he is no longer capable of drinking sensibly, he can't hold his drink, he forgets that he is now a dad with responsibilities and that you have had to grow up so he should too and that just because he works hard and thinks he can piss his brains away it doesn't entitle him to turn you into someone who has to clear up his vomit.

Turn it into a weary acceptance of what he has turned into with a challenge tacked on at the end as an afterthought that you accept that he's not going to be able to do. Might make him just think twice...

I'd also ask him to contribute his ideas about how should both deal with him coming home drunk to the point if vomitting everywhere because whilst you can accept that he might think that working hard gives him the right to drink himself silly you don't see how it is fair that you end up with the gross stuff or that stuff jets spoilt or that your kids wake up to be assaulted by the smell of (and actual!) vomit around. Try and make him think about how to deal with the aftermath and how it impinges on all of you and for some sort of solution for you rather than just saying sorry and thinking that works.

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, have been typing on my phone (so difficult to edit) but with lots of interruptions so hopefully it doesn't xpost with anyone else and makes some semblance of sense without being too repetitive!

Again the plastic sheeting addresses the action not the reason. Why not sit him down and talk to him, do some research on al anon, be prepared to ask him why he does this. Shaming him may only lead to a spiral of further alcohol abuse. No chooses to be an alcoholic, treating him like a dog isnt the answer, neither is seeking advice from unqualified posters who bear grudges.

What? Who bears a grudge, exactly? About what, exactly? Good grief.

No grudges, yet the advice is shame him, lock him out, change the locks. Good grief yourself, talk about doing every step wrong. Its an illness, it should be treated.

symfem, your first comment was "boys will be boys"! Get a grip. People are suggesting strategies to deal with this problem. I think the people posting on here realise what alcoholism is. What is the OP supposed to do then? Tell him he's got an illness and stand back and watch as he suddenly recognises this fact and scampers off to get help? Everyone has been saying that he is the one who needs to recognise it and do something about it, and that by doing what she does each time, maybe the OP is enabling him to carry on.

Zipzap thats genius.

OP if you can't get through to him on your own would you consider staging an intervention with family about how his drinking is affecting and will affect the family in future. I think his problems would not look so normal in the harsh light of day in front of other adults.

I can't believe the contempt he is treating you with. Making you clean up sick that he won't even direct into a bucket or a loo - its like he's rubbing your nose in it. FWIW I'm a puker, sometimes even a relatively small amount of alcohol can really suddenly upset me, but I can always get it in the loo. I'm never too drunk to have a shower and put my pajamas on etc. Your DH must be drinking gallons and so I don't think its his stomach I just think he's drinking outrageous amounts.

So on your behalf.

I'm not unqualified symfem - until very recently I worked as a family alcohol & drug counsellor, seeing people like the OP on a daily basis. Nor do I bear a grudge, but I think advice from people who've been through the same (I haven't) can be very useful.

I would agree with you about the plastic sheets but they might be a good compromise for the OP. It's up to her to work out a way forward in how she wants to deal with this. I think people are frustrated that she's not yet ready to take on a lot of the advice in this thread.

I really would recommend OP, that you get in touch with your local Community Alcohol Service or Al anon. Even that in itself might help your partner - I've seen it happen. If your DH sees you feel serious enough about the problem to seek professional advice it might spur him on to at least thinking seriously about it.

Plus, "ask yourself why he needs to go out regularly, what is he lacking at home that creates the need" .

Nice.

So it is the OP's fault? I usually ignore this shite, but show some bloody understanding.