DH's big boozy nights out becoming more regular

[Mintyleaf]

My DH works hard, is caring, great dad to our DCs etc etc etc. However he is a useless drinker, always has been. He has very little tolerance for alcohol, but it doesn't stop him from matching bigger drinkers pint for pint when he goes out with friends or work colleagues.

He comes home rolling drunk, often having been sick, and has been sick on our carpets, the sofa, the bed, etc after big nights out in the past. He isn't abusive at all, but he will argue (slurringly) that he isn't drunk etc and is generally mightily annoying.

I have put up with these nights out on the basis that he works hard etc etc but now he is going out more frequently with work contacts (his job involves socialising) and any daytime event (golf, football type thing with meal and hospitality) will always turn into a mammoth session and he won't get in til late o'clock, steaming drunk, no matter what time they started or how sedate it's meant to be.

My heart sinks when he casually mentions a forthcoming event as I know I will be looking after the kids all day and night then trying to persuade him to get into bed, quietly, he has got into bed with all clothes and shoes on, wiping his shoes on our pillows etc, just really ick stuff like that. In the past he would be so drunk he wouldn't even try to make a dash for the bathroom when he was sick, nor the bucket I put by the side of the bed. He'd insist he didn't need it then be sick next to it. At least he tries to get to the bathroom now though he is irritatingly sick in the basin not the toilet not nice to clean up.

His defence is that he works hard and is a "model" DH and dad the rest of the time so I just have to accept these (increasingly frequent) occasions.

I don't go out as often, but when I do, I come home tipsy at most. I've done the drinking til sick thing in my 20's and I enjoy drinks but when I start to feel sick I stop, whereas he will carry on til he is sick then drink some more (because his more alcohol tolerant mates are).

Is it just something I should put up with? In the past he wasn't even sorry no matter how sick he'd been, or where, or how drunk. Nowadays at least he'll say sorry the next morning but I suspect it's just something to say. I don't think he honestly means it, it just tides him over til the next time... and the next.

Just a bit fed up of it all and wanted to vent.... should it just be accepted because he's pretty good in most other ways?

Symfem - why shouldn't he be shamed? His behaviour is shameful - making his wife clean up vomit like she's some lesser person. Horrible.

If he can face up to the fact that he's doing wrong - THEN - he should be helped and supported to get well. Everyone knows an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom.

Artvandelay - I'm not sure humiliating him is the best approach. Yes it might spur him to make changes but there are kinder ways if doing it.

Also Artvandelay you'd be surprised by how low people's rock bottom can be - alcohol can have a terrific hold over people and can often be the thing they still turn to when they've lost everything even though it might have caused them to lose everything.

Sorry - don't mean you should humiliate him exactly! You can feel shame for doing wrong even when someone tells you nicely.

The OPs DH is not feeling that his behaviour is shameful because he doesn't respect the OPs right to live without having to clear up his sick and have her house damaged (which I think is pretty humiliating for the OP).

Unfortunately, I have seen a relative drink themselves to death. So I know some people don't even have a rock bottom. Fortunately, a lot of people do seem to and can get themselves back on track.

Yes I agree that it must be humiliating for the OP to clear up his sick. But she has a choice to do this. Shame may only make her DH more angry.

OP - could you email/text your DH before his next night out and say that you can't stop him drinking to excess but you also cannot help him to bed or clear up after him and you would like not to be disturbed by him - all reasonable - then ask him what he is going to do about it. Thereby handing the problem back to him to find a solution to. Far more respectful to him than to shut him outside like a dog or publicly shame him.

THEN, most importantly you have to stick to what you say you will do. That's why you need to set boundaries you can stick to.

Symfem: you might be slightly clumsy but I get what you're saying. DH goes for it like this because he is responsible and serious for his work, which takes up a lot of his time, plus his work is extremely stressful. He sees "big nights out" as a reward in the same way that other people reach for chocolate or cigarettes. He doesn't have time to do exercise or other healthy stress releases, he doesn't smoke, do drugs or overeat, so this is his way of unwinding. And because he doesn't do a few pints in the pub every week, he saves it all up (in his head) for these events which, due to the nature of his recent works, have seen an increase.

Unfortunately the habit started at university when it was all lads together doing this sort of thing on cheap student piss up nights. No, he's not a student any more and yes, he should be over it by now.

What he needs to understand is that nobody is saying he can't go out or have drinks or get drunk, but what is unacceptable is that he drinks to excess and gets totally kale-eyed instead of pleasantly tipsy. I have seen him just get pleasantly tipsy, so it can be done, but not recently.

I thank you all for your input and will go away now to think it all over.

Oh Minty, please stop excusing his behaviour. It's not only an unhealthy, dangerous stress release, it's causing you a huge amount of worry & stress. It's not 'unwinding', he's drinking massively to excess and just because he's not out every week doesn't mean he's not putting his health at huge risk. A high proportion of alcohol deaths by accident are not drunk drivers but drunk pedestrians.

You're really starting to play it down which is worrying - I think this may be a long hard road for you. Take care.

That is repulsive behaviour, and not excusable. 'Working hard', 'being a good dad' etc. are no reason to behave like this.

I think you should record (the photos/videos idea is a good one) every instance. Keep a book with dates and times. List objectively what he did. Take photos. I think he is not facing the true nature of what he's doing. Perhaps you're not yet, either.

Ask him how he will feel when (not if) his children see him in this pitiable, repulsive state.

Personally, I would require him to clean up after himself. I understand you don't want to sleep in the smell of sick. Can you put him in another room, which he has to clean up afterwards? Or bundle all the sheets/clothes etc. into a bin bag which he then has to deal with?

If he did this in a hotel room, they wouldn't be too impressed.

And I would contact Alcoholics Anonymous. This is alcoholic behaviour, though he doesn't want to see it as such (alcoholics never do).

Minty, its refreshing to see you have a balanced outlook. This man is a good provider, a good father and the man you love. He may be suffering from an illness, we dont abandon or humiliate or shame those we love, we try to help. Never mind the screeching harpies here who's only advice is bin him or destroy him, bitterness is a sad state to be in, all you want are others to be as tragic as you. I wish you well and hope you husband sees the light. God speed.

I see no evidence on here of screeching harpies symfem.

Minty, you cannot help someone who ultimately does not want to be helped however. Sorry to write that but you cannot.

You may well love him Minty of that I have no doubt whatsoever, but he is now loving drink more. His primary relationship is with alcohol. You are also playing a role in his alcoholism Minty; that of his codependent. That is not a healthy state of mind for him or you.

Quite apart from anything else Minty you are too close to the situation to be of any real help to your H; besides which he does not want your help. I have the impression that you are also not willing, wanting or able to really see what is happening in front of you perhaps out of fear, shame and embarrassment.

i would like to to say 'woah'!! right now! - some of the words being used here are pretty strong! the dh MAY or MAY NOT have an alcohol problem, he hasnt beaten his wife and kids with a stick! he may find that he has simply got into a habit of drinking too much and find it very easy to simply stop, there may well be underlying issues surounding his lifestyle that need addressing etc etc - speaking as a recovering alcoholic i can say that if these kind of words were used to me i would have seen it as nagging and fucked off down the pub! his behaviour may well be 'pitiable and repulsive' but i think saying it to him will simply cause him to dig his heels in!

i think the best thing you can do op is speak to al anon, find out about some strategies that you can use to show your husband how you feel, tell him what you think, how you feel about it all and calmly tell him you need to see some changes - if you give him a set of 'house-rules' or an ultimatum, make sure you stick to it!

mintyleaf, the fact that he works hard in a responsible job doesn't excuse him drinking so much alcohol. My DH also works extremely long hours in a demanding job but he doesn't drink at all.

Ask your DH what gives him more pleasure - drinking until he's ill or being a good husband? He isn't being a responsible husband or father by putting his health at risk in this way.

I'm assuming that your DC are still quite young but they will soon be old enough to be badly affected by his behaviour.

It's time your DH realised that he isn't a student any more and he needs to put you and your DC first.

symfem - i agree with a little of what you are saying, however, we all have a point where we get to the end of our tether and have to call a halt to allowing someones behaviour to keep impacting negativly on our lives - again, as a recovering alcoholic, i can see that my dh had to give me a 'final ultimatum', he had to protect himselfand our dd from my destructive behaviour, and i thank god every day that he did!

How did you turn it around jesuswhatnext?

Symfem she does not have a balanced outlook! She's avoiding the issue - all her replies have become markedly more of a ostrich approach. I haven't seen anyone telling her to leave, just people pointing out that this is disrespectful and intolerable behaviour from an adult, let alone one you are married to, no matter how exemplary he is in other respects - that's just excusing him. God, Harold Shipman was apparently a fantastic GP in some areas e.g the children's asthma clinic - doesn't excuse what he did. No I'm not likening OP's DH to a serial killer, it's just an extreme example to highlight my point!

patsy - i stopped drinking.

ipom - tbh, i think you are sounding slighty hysterical.

Oh sweet Jesus, bringingShipman into this,

ok lets assess, a man who may have an illness, compared to a mass murderer. Its not even an example, extreme or otherwise, its the harpies i mentioned earlier, where ever man who stumbles is either a rapist or in this comparable to a mass murderer.

Admittedly Harold Shipman ref was a bit OTT but not once have I told OP to lock him out of the house or tell all his friends etc. I don't feel remotely hysterical, just sorry for the OP.

As i Said minty, look up alcoholism if you think this is waht it is. It can often be linked to a childhood trrauma, abuse, etc, it probably isnt anythin to do with you.

Then get counselling for you, and try get him to go as well.

The people here, may think they are being well meaning, but the advice they are giving you is misguided, and at worst highly dangerous, and could lead to an escalation of problems. its easy to be anonymous over the net and say do this and do that, but until you re in the situation, you dont know how you would react.

i too feel sorry for the op but im certainly not going to bring mass murderers into the argument! fwiw, im sure the dh is a decent guy, a good husband and provider who the op loves dearly, she CAN see that some of his behaviour is not right/good/whatever, but wants to help rather than call it a day because she thinks she has an otherwise good marriage, she can see the man, the person, behind the drink problem, i hope the op and her dh can sort this out, it would be a crying shame to lose what they have because of booze!

symfem, i dont think calling people 'harpies' os being particuarlly helpful either!

tbh symfem you are dead right, some of this advice is dangerous, some of it yours!

JWH please point out any dangerous advice I have given

as for the harpies comment, read the thread, its hysterical and not in the ha ha ha way.

Harold Shipman FFS

you have intimated that possibly the dh has some kind of trauma in his background, you have also intimated that you think the op is blaming herself in some way, both quite worrying statements considering that the dh may well just like drinking too much, may never have a trauma of any kind, may love his wife and not wish to hurt or upset her in any way and this problem can be sorted out quickly and easily.

i have read the thread, i have said that i think some of the langugue is slightly ott, i still think that calling people harpies is unfair.

i think the thread is becoming a bit unbalanced tbh

God Synfem, read my post properly, i wasn't comparing Op's dh to a mass murderer. I was using him as an example to not make excuses. I did think 2x before posting that but then thought that the average MNetter was intelligent enough to see what I was getting at.

Interesting that the OP singled out you to thank - the only poster who has also made excuses for her DH's behaviour. I don't doubt for a moment that he's a great dad but works hard. My point is that all of that doesn't excuse him coming home intoxicated to a point that he has lost control on a regular basis.