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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so sick - think DP has cheated on me

115 replies

nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 10:18

Sitting here absolutely devastated and don't even know if I should be or not! Last night DP and I went to an engagement party for one of his aunts and he's got quite a big family so there were a lot of people there and for half the night DP was away from me, here and there catching up with people while I sat and chatted (normal because I currently have hip problems so find it hard standing up for long periods of time). Normal night as far as I was concerned, but this morning DP was having a lie-in and another of his aunts, 'A', phoned and apologised but said she didn't know what to do but had to tell me that she'd seen DP 'all over' a 19-year old relative (no idea what relation they are, pretty distant if that makes any difference!), 'G', but she didn't think she could say anything at the time because she doesn't know us that well.

From what she described I can't help feeling pretty sure DP's having an affair with her, he's in and out far more than I am so it's possible - spent half an hour in the bathroom in tears after the call feeling so sure bbut now I don't know what to do. Woke DP up and he flatly denied it, would barely even talk about it - phoned his aunt back and had a go at her for making it up and told me not to take it seriously, that he'd sort it out. Didn't know what to say, just felt so confused - as far as I know A isn't the type to make stuff up or exaggerate something but I want to trust DP. Just have a sick feeling something's not right. DP is out playing with the dc's now and I'm just sat here frozen, what am I supposed to think?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 22/01/2012 10:24

Calm down first. Deep breath.

Now. Not excusing him for last night, but what makes you think it's a full blown affair rather than a drunken over friendliness last night? Have there been other signs?

If he is having an affair and they took the risk of being all over each other in a very public place, he is incredibly stupid.

Whatever is happening, or not happening, you will be okay.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 10:31

Finding it so hard to think calmly or logically. I don't know what other signs to look for - we haven't been physically very close for the past year or so and he's far less physically affectionate than he used to be but I thought that was just the result of 3 dc's, now I'm wondering (panicking). I don't know how public they were, she saw them went she went outside for a smoke, it was an evening do so maybe they thought no-one was looking. I keep imagining them together now, don't know how I find out what really went on.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 22/01/2012 10:37

You must feel horrible.

I'm really not great with advice, but wanted to let you know someone was listening.m it does sound to me a bit like you are coming up with worst case scenario very fast.

I don't know what possible motivation the aunt could have to make it up either.

You have got to try to calm yourself, one thing I do know is that at some point you will be at the other side of all this and you will be all right.

ClaraSage · 22/01/2012 10:41

Well, I would be worried on behalf of the relative. 19 and being hit on by an older married man. Not belitting your pain OP. But 'yuck'.

What did he mean by 'he'd sort it out' ?

I hope this is nothing and the Aunt over reacted because it sounds sordid.

He needs to put your mind at rest.

Posters will suggest you check his phone and email but I would say try and talk to him first.

Also, it may be an idea to phone the 19 year old and tell her people are suspicious of her and your DP 'carrying on'.

passionsrunhigh · 22/01/2012 12:08

what did HE says actually happened? was he with her outside? did they kiss? or is her saying that it wasn't even him that A saw?

Hattytown · 22/01/2012 15:30

I think if you've been noticing other signs, such as lack of affection and distance, then he is probably having an affair. I also think it very unlikely that his own aunt would invent a story. I should think she has spent the night awake wrestling with her conscience, so amidst all your hurt and confusion, remember her in all this. It's never an easy thing to do, but I think it was the right thing for your sake.

I also think if his reaction was to attack her and say very little about it to you, then make an exit, it further suggests guilt. Most partners faced with a false accusation would be angry, but would want to reassure a partner that it was false.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 15:44

I cannot imagine why his aunt would make something up.

I also think his reaction to you confonting him with this is pointing towards guilt.

Of what/how much, I have no idea. But something isn't right, and you should not let him tell you that you are over reacting.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/01/2012 16:34

AnyFucker
"I cannot imagine why his aunt would make something up"

unless you know the aunt you don't know that she wouldn't make something up.

for all you know she could be a dotty old bat, be mentally ill or just plain nasty.

as for the I feel sorry for the 19 yr old, there is no evidence that the dh has done anything wrong (yet).

izzyskungheifatchoy · 22/01/2012 17:34

It's always the messenger that gets shot, isn't it?

If he'd been guiltless I would have thought a more likely reaction would have been for him to have laughed it off and said 'aunty x has always been dotty' or similar - but, no, he didn't want to talk about it with the OP and loudly protested his innocence by calling his aunt and having a go at her.

The writing's on the wall, OP. Ignore it at your peril.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 17:51

Thankyou everyone for the replies - sorry I've only just got back on, it's basically been a hellish day Sad. I tried to get DP to talk more about it but he seemed really offended that I still wanted to discuss it, he said maybe 'G' fancies him but nothing's gone on as far as he's concerned and maybe A and G are just trying to stir up trouble (his family don't all get on that well, no major fallings out or anything but they're just not very close). I said I wanted to phone G, if only to sort out where the story is coming from but he said it was his place to sort it out, which seemed to mean he didn't see the point because nothing happened and he'd 'told off' A about it already so that should be an end to it and I should 'know better' and 'trust him' that he wouldn't have done anything wrong.

I'm not sure whether it was right or not but I found G on facebook, because I know her name and family she'd have as friends, and messaged her on there because he wouldn't let me phone her (wouldn't give me her number). She messaged back saying that A shouldn't have said anything but seeing as I knew now she admitted that they'd slept together a 'few times' since another party (in August), basically saying she wanted a relationship with DP and she wasn't doing anything wrong because he's the one already 'attached', not her!

I showed DP the message and he got angry, but quietly so, not aggressive, that I'd contacted her, saying she was making it up and trying to mess about with him. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said no and he asked if I trusted him and I said I didn't know what to think so he stormed out anyway about an hour ago and hasn't come back. It was probably really stupid but I messaged G again to ask why I should believe her when DP said she was making it up and she messaged back with some dates they were 'together', saying she was 'f'ed-off with having to explain herself' and being fairly graphic about when and what they'd done together. A couple of the dates matched with times he's been out, either working or out with friends, I don't know about the rest, can't remember. I've been in floods since, the dc's don't know what on earth's happening - I said I didn't feel very well and put a dvd on for them but don't know what to believe or what to do.

I don't think his aunt would make it up but I don't want to believe it - we're supposed to be getting married in a couple of years! Almost wish he'd admit it just to put me out of my misery, have had so many scenarios running through my head so far - don't want him to leave me but lost about what to do.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 22/01/2012 17:56

I think if you're feeling that things are falling into place, that this explains the distant and lack of affection, then it is likely that there has and is something going on.

ajandjjmum · 22/01/2012 17:58

What a rat! I know you probably don't feel this, but at least it's good you now know what sort of person he is - not only a cheat, but totally dishonest and uncaring.

Hope others can give you more constructive advice.

kodachrome · 22/01/2012 18:00

x-posted.

Sorry. I think marrying him would be a massive mistake. I doubt she is lying. He will probably deny deny deny until you think you're going mad.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/01/2012 18:00

It's quite clear that she's telling the truth IMO.

So sorry for you Sad

Original poster
nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 18:04

I think I was hoping I'd get a lot of replies saying I was overreacting Sad, feel like my whole world is crumbling. Want to phone A and speak to her about it again but haven't got the nerve.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 22/01/2012 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minceorotherwise · 22/01/2012 18:11

I would call her and get all the answers that are whirling around your head. He might be out attempting damage limitation, but reality is you need to know the truth, you have a right to know the truth and make decisions based on that. His angry reactions are probably designed to make you avoid doing anything else. It doesn't sound good on paper I'm afraid. But by no means allow him to railroad you into doing or not doing what he wants. You need to take charge and get some answers

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/01/2012 18:12

Do you think she has any reason to lie to you? I don't suppose 'H' has anything about him that she would only know if they had had sex?

Speak to A if you want to - apart from anything, you should reassure her that you aren't shooting the messenger and she did the right thing telling you.

He wouldn't have asked you if you wanted him to leave if it wasn't justified IMO.

Original poster
nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 18:14

Don't know where to go from here, just want the whole day to start again - was so happy yesterday! Can't stop thinking of them together now, wish I knew exactly what had happened and what to do. Don't want this to be the end of our relationship, especially for the dc's, but don't know how to deal with this, especially talking to DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
nottodayplease · 22/01/2012 18:16

mince - how do I take charge? what do I do? sorry to sound so helpless!

I definitely need to phone A but just can't at the moment, maybe soon. Can't think of anything I could ask G to 'prove' it or not, don't want to speak to her either, she was so graphic Sad

OP posts:
fiventhree · 22/01/2012 18:18

He is saying that two separate people made this up? And that includes the girl, who hasnt previously contacted you??

Jesus.

What a lying prick.

kodachrome · 22/01/2012 18:19

If he's cheated on you (he has) and you both want to put the relationship back together, he needs to admit it, apologise and make amends - and make massive efforts to keep you - not the other way around.

While he's denying and blame-shifting, he's treating you like a fool into the bargain.

BayPolar · 22/01/2012 18:19

It's clear as day.
He has cheated on you.
You are being very patient with him, not wanting to believe it.
I am so sorry.
He is a cheating rat and the skank he has been with sounds like a complete chav.

fiventhree · 22/01/2012 18:20

And presumably that they colluded, and therefore have the same story?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 18:21

You are not over reacting

I believe the 19yo

why would she lie

he has been shagging her, and spinning you both a line

god knows what he has told this naive girl, but really, I would be kicking his arse so fast out of my house it would be rebounding off the fucking moon

he has cheated on you...I don't see any doubt here

his actions have simply tried to put you off the scent, and I applaud you for taking control

now love

think very carefully

what are you going to do about it ?