Feel so sick - think DP has cheated on me

[nottodayplease]

Sitting here absolutely devastated and don't even know if I should be or not! Last night DP and I went to an engagement party for one of his aunts and he's got quite a big family so there were a lot of people there and for half the night DP was away from me, here and there catching up with people while I sat and chatted (normal because I currently have hip problems so find it hard standing up for long periods of time). Normal night as far as I was concerned, but this morning DP was having a lie-in and another of his aunts, 'A', phoned and apologised but said she didn't know what to do but had to tell me that she'd seen DP 'all over' a 19-year old relative (no idea what relation they are, pretty distant if that makes any difference!), 'G', but she didn't think she could say anything at the time because she doesn't know us that well.

From what she described I can't help feeling pretty sure DP's having an affair with her, he's in and out far more than I am so it's possible - spent half an hour in the bathroom in tears after the call feeling so sure bbut now I don't know what to do. Woke DP up and he flatly denied it, would barely even talk about it - phoned his aunt back and had a go at her for making it up and told me not to take it seriously, that he'd sort it out. Didn't know what to say, just felt so confused - as far as I know A isn't the type to make stuff up or exaggerate something but I want to trust DP. Just have a sick feeling something's not right. DP is out playing with the dc's now and I'm just sat here frozen, what am I supposed to think?

oh lovey, what a liar! His aunt and his 'distant relative' havent made this up. It would be too much of a coincidence.

so sorry.

Wow - this is horrible.

You need to dig deep and find it within yourself to stand up to him - shock him with your assertiveness as it sounds to me like he isn't used to being challenged. As long as you have no fear of a physical response you need to stand in front of him and demand the truth.

IMO if he had been honest then there could be a way to work through this but as it is he has continued to lie and make you start to question your own sanity. That is a very low thing to do to a person and I don't think you really want to be with someone who would stoop so low.

Good luck.

How awful.19 year old sounds crazy (but then she is just barely more than a teen) and your P sounds like he is v foolish.

At this stage v difficult to know what to do and not a time to make any long term decisions.

I think some space to think would be good. Could he stay elsewhere for a while until things become clearer at least. (Note, I didn't throw out my H on discovery but should have done).

Sorry you are having such a nightmare nottoday
It just sounded like he was reacting angrily to everything you said, in order to stop you from pursuing it. I know when someone does this to me it makes me feel like I am in the wrong and back off.
It's in his interests to be defensive if he has been having an affair. It's natural that you are in a right state and not trusting your judgement, so when he suggests you are overreacting/ being silly/ distrustful, you are questioning yourself and you cannot see the woods for the trees. I am not an expert and do not have experience of this, but I just think if you are obviously unsure then try and take the opportunity while he is out of the house (so your judgement is not clouded by potential excuses etc) to get some definitive answers to the questions in your head. It's up to you if you want to pursue the two people who can give you answers, not him...and bear in mind if he stays in deny deny deny mode, he will throw everything at you to try and get you not to do that.

But she is right about one thing - this isn't the girl's fault. She has actually been very brave by being honest. Probably not the most saintly of people but don't make this about her (not that you were).

the 19yo does not "sound crazy"

she sounds like a rather immature young woman who has been fed a complete crock of bullshit by an older man who should know better

fgs, let's not start blaming a teenager for stealing some dick-led man away

Think I'm still in denial a bit, keep thinking about what if they are making it up, however unlikely that is, and I'm overreacting. Don't want DP to come back but want him here too, want it to all be over. Phoned a nearby friend, she's having the kids to sleep over tonight, can't cope with dealing with them too.

I am so sorry, love x

Hate to admit it but all the advice so far is making sense - felt really railroaded by DP earlier, like I was completely in the wrong not to 100% believe everything he said and not question it. I'm not scared for my safety or anything with him but he does tend to go very moody and unresponsive if he feels he's being 'attacked'. I want to be strong but just don't feel it at the moment, I don't want to kick him out - I want our 'normal' relationship back but it's feeling more and more unlikely.

He's definitely cheating. I'm sorry.

You need to text him telling him he's not to come home tonight. Lock the foir, Plonk the DC's in front of the tv or get them to bed early. Get a friend or your mum or a close family member over. You need to spend a day or two thinking about what you need from him (i.e. what level of disclosure, do you want all the gory details or just admittance to 'being with' her) and whether this is a deal breaker for you. If not, what terms do you want to set out for him to come back and try and work things out.

But for now you just need space to cry and rage, and someone there to give you a cuddle.

Your "normal" relationship was one big fat lie

O come on. You've heard it from his aunt, you've heard it from the horse's mouth OW, and you're still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt?

You need to face the fact that he's cheated on you, honey, and if the OW retracts her story you'll know that he's done a damage limitation excercise and that they have no intention of ending their affair.

Marrying him in a couple of years? This man isn't marriage material and the only thing that can be said for him is that, given that you aren't legally bound, he hasn't actually committed adultery.

If you're silly enough to marry a man who can't keep his dick in his trousers you'll have no-one to blame but yourself when he does break his marriage vows - and I'm willing to put money down that says he will.

You can start taking charge by packing a bag for him so that when he returns you can tell him to fuck off find somewhere else to stay for a few days while you give consideration as to whether you want to share your future with a lying cheating conniving arsehole.

To my mind, the fact that he's been having it off with an albeit distant relative shows that he's a man who lacks integrity and doesn't have an ounce of moral values.

Although you won't be able to see it at the moment, you will be infinitely better off without this deceitful twat in your life.

I feel deep down that it's not G's fault but how could she do that when she knew he was in a relationship, with kids. She sounded so pleased with herself when she messaged me, as though it was some sort of competition for DP and she should have some sort of 'claim' to him.

Wish DP would answer his phone, but don't know what I'd say if he did. Going for a bit to pack dc's overnight bags, maybe try and phone A. Thanks for being here everyone.

look, whatever the 19yo says it is simply a reflection of his behaviour

he will have told her you are "frigid" "you think more of the children than him" you are "boring" and "don't understand him"

he will also now tell her that you are "crazy" so don't be surprised if communication from her is now ceased

where has he gone, btw ?

How old is he?
Yes the girl should not be sleeping with a man in a relationship, but ffs, she is only 19! And I would be concerned if she were my child.
Total sympathy for you OP, if it's true your P is WAY out of line!

Of course he is having an affair with the 19 yr old - that is beyond doubt.

However I don't think 19 year olds are devoid of morals or human kindness and so I would be disinclined to describe her as either 'brave' or a 'victim' although she might well be naive. I doubt that she had altruistic motives for telling you the truth, rather she hoped it would remove you as an obstacle.

I'd tell him that you know he's lying and that you won't have a conversation until that stops. Ask him to leave and give you some space right now, especially if he is still lying through his teeth. Do get an STI check as soon as you can, too.

Let her 'claim' him.
He's no catch, that's for sure.
He choice of OW is wrong in so many ways.
This would be a definite deal breaker for me.
You must be feeling so sad.
Thank goodness for the aunt though.
If she hadn't told you, you'd still be unaware that your partner was screwing a 19 yo distant relative.
What a rat.

Hi hope nottoday, that this scenario will not happen, however I feel that the damage limitation the AF spoke about is correct. It was only until you got confirmation from another party that you got the truth and when you did, he asked if you wanted him to leave. In my mind, that's him asking if you would forgive him this, and possibly further transgretion.

I have been in your position and forgave and forgave and then finally snapped and didn't forgive any more. You spoke earlier about your relationship floundering and that you thought it might be due to the DCs but now you have the real reason as to why he was emotionally distant, maybe that will give you clearer space to realise that he has been distancing himself from the relationship to start seeing this other girl.

I can understand that you will feel in shock about what has happened but you need to start thinking about where you go from here and what effect it will have on your DCs in the future. Maybe some time apart will help you decide if you are strong enough to do this on your own (which you are).

If you do decide that you will carry on with this relationship, you will have to make sure that the resentment that you will feel towards him won't seep into thier lives as well. Will they grow up in the tense atmosphere that will be around them?

I'm not being very eloquent about this, I'm sure there are better than me that can decipher what i'm trying to say to you and form it better than I, however, I have been single for over a year now and I can honestly say I feel better for it and know that I've shown DD that it is better for 2 people to be apart than to stay in a destructive relationship.

You cannot go backwards, you have to face this and get angry, not be sad.

Your OH has cheated on you with a girl barely out of childhood, that's pretty sick.

You have to kick him out whilst you get your head together, you have to tell the woman who phoned you too what is going on, get family on your side.

Sorry, its awful but you have to deal with this you cannot let him get away with it.

Who gives a flying fuck where he's gone as long as he stays there, AF.

As for the OW, some young women are out to collect scalps and they don't give a damn who they hurt in the process.

She'll learn.

And it may come to pass that, one day in the not too distant future, you'll find it in yourself to be grateful that she's showed you what manner of man you've put your trust and hopes and dreams in.

However this pans out, one fact screams out above all others and that is that he's not worthy of you.

oh, I hope he stays wherever he is too, izzy

I would be interested though, because I think it will give OP even more damning evidence against him

I hope you're OK OP. Stay strong. :)

My concern is that he managed to bamboozle the OP into backing down and questioning herself and her judgement. With a couple of hours under his belt, she needs to be prepared for either disclosure or yet more lies and alibis that he has had time to concoct.

nottoday,

Your h sounds similar to mine in that he was distant, off sex, and the real red flag (I see that now) was that he was usually angry when confronted if he wasnt expecting it, but 'understanding' and still denying when he had time to think. Also, they look you straight in the eye, and swear on the kids lives etc etc, which makes you really doubt yourself.

Please dont let this go on for years by believing him, as I did.

Mine was also, like yours, defensive and suspected attack over ordinary complaints about eg domestic things, which other men would not. So that is a red flag too, because it tells you that he has the character type of low self esteem (however well hidden by outward confidence) and feeling of shame (rather than guilt), so he goes on the attack to deflect.

If anything, the fact is does this in other situations is a bigger giveaway. I didnt see this at the time, and dont be fooled if he has a great job and seems outwardly entertaining, sociable and confident. Mine is too, it doesnt mean a thing inside them.

Finally, some of the many women my h was sex chatting and getting photos from were as young as 18 (Our DDs are 15 and 24). I could kill over that, its so disgraceful.

Where is the fecker now? Hiding? Jays OP you are well rid.
Sympathy and good luck.
Confide in a good friend tonight.