Feel so sick - think DP has cheated on me

[nottodayplease]

Sitting here absolutely devastated and don't even know if I should be or not! Last night DP and I went to an engagement party for one of his aunts and he's got quite a big family so there were a lot of people there and for half the night DP was away from me, here and there catching up with people while I sat and chatted (normal because I currently have hip problems so find it hard standing up for long periods of time). Normal night as far as I was concerned, but this morning DP was having a lie-in and another of his aunts, 'A', phoned and apologised but said she didn't know what to do but had to tell me that she'd seen DP 'all over' a 19-year old relative (no idea what relation they are, pretty distant if that makes any difference!), 'G', but she didn't think she could say anything at the time because she doesn't know us that well.

From what she described I can't help feeling pretty sure DP's having an affair with her, he's in and out far more than I am so it's possible - spent half an hour in the bathroom in tears after the call feeling so sure bbut now I don't know what to do. Woke DP up and he flatly denied it, would barely even talk about it - phoned his aunt back and had a go at her for making it up and told me not to take it seriously, that he'd sort it out. Didn't know what to say, just felt so confused - as far as I know A isn't the type to make stuff up or exaggerate something but I want to trust DP. Just have a sick feeling something's not right. DP is out playing with the dc's now and I'm just sat here frozen, what am I supposed to think?

OH - and I would call his parents this morning too. Little shit - caring more about them finding out, than how much he's hurt you. Wanker.

Chipping, Im only a few months post reveal, but that isnt entirely fair.

She cannot yet judge whether he will be able to do what is required- you are right about what that looks like- because he is still on denial. Just because he already knew what he was doing, it doesnt make it any easier for him to admit, and to make sense of himself. He is in denial, and when he does admit, or if, he will probably start off by denying that it was 'his fault'. He will blame her.

My h blamed all on the relationship we had when he finally did admit, but three months on he is starting to blame himself instead.

Some men never can do this, but they hardly ever start there.

eg my h though he was responsible for the infidelity, but we both contributed to the relationship breakdown. He hated that I was critical of him, that I talked to a couple of best friends about us, and that I forced a house move (well, I leaned on him a bit over it).

He is now seeing that I hadnt been like this in our early years, and that it was my response to his withdrawing and all the other shit he put me though, eg workaholism etc etc as posted below. I talked to others as he was not available to me, and I had to carry my confusion about what was wrong on my own, for years. I was critical because he was nnever there, he put his needs before mine, he lied even then over lots of small things, and he was willing for me to work full time and earn alot, but he would not help with kids and house. He was up till 3am most nights. So yes, I was critical, I was desperate. And finally, ran home, as it were.

You need to look at the story of the relationship in stages. But equally, I think it is harder for them to get there, to total honesty, unless you go in stages and keep calm, and make it possible for them to see their own blame as they think it through.

I agree with all other posters, he's angry at being found out snd I think he's thinking, if I totally deny it and get angry about it maybe she (you) will believe it's not true.

If it was the other way round would you not go and confront the person who said they were having an affair with you face to face, I know I would, also he would be doing more to convince you and not being cold towards you.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today op, never been through this but I think you will start to feel better when you realise it's the truth and there's no doubt anymore, as I still think you are hoping it isn't true and are feeling bad that you are doubting him iyswim.

I know you're in shock OP, but you sound cowed and bullied by this horrible man. I think there is something more fundamental than shock going on.

Glad you spoke to the aunt. She did the right thing and was probably enraged herself. I'd guess she always thought he was a little shit who treated you badly.

I think it's true that people getting caught out will lie, but actually it means something else when they attack everyone else around them and are still prepared to see other people hung out to dry, almost 36 hours later.

The fact that they were prepared to embarrass you in public at the party indicates something else. Total contempt and getting a sick thrill from the fact you were a few yards away.

Start confiding in other people and don't keep secrets for him. You have done nothing wrong and you need support from people in RL who will not try to brainwash you that this didn't happen.

He's become less communicative in the last couple of years It's unlikely that, as you previously surmised, this has had anything to do with pressure of work/family life etc.

Brace yourself, honey. The affair that you've discovered has most probably been going on for only a short time, but it's likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

It's extremely rare for philanderers to hold their hands up and say 'it's a fair cop, guv' when they're caught out, but until he 'fesses up the full extent of his infidelities there can be no way forward for your relationship with him.

As for him telling you to 'get over yourself'; tell him that now you know what a lowdown, lying, cheating, piece of scum he is, you don't anticipate that you'll have any problem getting over him.

What a caring woman his aunt has proved to be - I wonder if she's a mumsnetter? If not, please point her in the direction of this board as women of integrity and courage are always needed here.

I feel deep down that it's not G's fault but how could she do that when she knew he was in a relationship, with kids. She sounded so pleased with herself when she messaged me, as though it was some sort of competition for DP and she should have some sort of 'claim' to him.

She's just young and immature. NOT. A. CLUE!

he insisted it was all made up between A and G and that he was so disappointed that I didn't trust him and wasn't sure if our relationship was worth it if it meant so little to me.

He's trying to manipulate you. He thinks that by being the one who says the relationship might be over you'll go "oh no of course I trust you" and all will be forgotten.

The weird thing is I'd believe him more if he wasn't being so cold about it all, whoever said he should be reassuring me struck a nerve, over something else that was innocent he'd be really trying to console me.

Absolutely!

Thinking that in my experience Izzy is probably right, this won't be the full extent of his shitty behaviour and wrong-doing.

With my ex, when i discovered an email from him to another man (asking for him to 'pop his gay cherry') he went from total denial to it was a joke etc... Never any remorse, reassurance, pity, sorrow etc... he basically bullied me into not mentioning, or even discussing it (otherwise at best he would leave the country or at worst kill himself!) sounds so ridiculous now, but I actually did as I was told, for a few months at least. You start to question your own sanity in the end.
You have every right not to "get over yourself". Phone his parents if it will make you feel better. Don't be ashamed of yourself with your friends and family, this is not your shame, it's his.

I would tell your family/friends and his as well. I don't think there is any need to tell everyone you meet in the street as it's none of their business, but right now you need support and it may be easier to get it if you tell those close to you the truth. You don't want them believing whatever crap he tells them.

Btw i'd keep copies of the facebook msgs from G and write detailed notes about your phone conversations with her. A diary type thing maybe. It could help you in the next few weeks/months.

Hiya, so sorry for you.

I have been through infidelity and it hurts like hell.

Cheaters will always lie,and deny initially. When the penny drops for them that they cannot deny the glaring evidence anymore they then drip feed little bits and minimise the truth. They will say it was just once or just a kiss that there was no actual sex just talk etc etc. Bit by the the kiss that was just a peck become a snog the snog becomes a fondle and the fondle becomes sex and thats if you are lucky. Most cheaters will only admit to what they HAVE to. If they think they can get away with telling you it was just the once they will. It sucks and its shit.

You will be in shock just now. The person you probably always turned to in crisis (DP) cannot help you with this as they are the cause. Its natural to just want it to all go away and life as it was resume.

I really second what alsteff says about keeping a diary or notes and copies of what you have seen, found and been told as well as what he has said.

I am four years on and still with my H but only because I didnt deal with it all properly at the time. I am seriously up shit creek with my sanity, life and marriage at the mo. I see things then hope they go away. When I am stupid enough to get lulled in to a certain sense of security again, I look at my notes and evidence and findings etc and remind myself exactly what he has done. It has really helped me recently as I try and make steps to move on and away.

I hope you are OK and that he has the decency to give you the space you need tonight.

Take care of yourself and your little ones. You have had a massive shock.

Take your time, don't get into arguments or debates deep down you know he is lying through his teeth. He is just insulting your intelligence with his lies. Why on earth would his aunt make this up and the dates she gave you match.

Please consider going to an STI clinic and getting yourself checked over If he has been withdrawing for a few years this may not be the first time.

Go to a solicitor and find out where you stand about the house, finances and everything. If you want to work through this and rebuild your marriage good luck but if you have the knowledge behind you he cannot threaten you with taking the children, kicking you out the house or anything else.

Hope you are ok OP, we are thinking of you

Aw I am so sorry this has turned out worst case scenario.

You have lots of good,advice and help here. And please remember, as I said before, one day you will,be through all of,this and it will all be okay again. Hopefully with him as a distant memory.

Take care xx

Hope that you are ok OP! What a dreadful experience! Rely on MN; you will receive excellent support and advice! Take care of yourself- best wishes!

Horrible horrible situation. I've got very little to add except this. When I was struggling with my ex's adultery, I found that I wanted to know the "truth" very badly. It took me ages to realise that I wasn't going to get it from him. Now maybe yours will man up and start being straight and you will be able to go forward with him. But right now, it sounds as if he is lying and you do not have to believe his lies. The day I started thinking, "Oh there goes that lying liar lying again, " was the day I got my head back and could listen to my own "truth" and not some version he was feeding me. Good luck.

are you ok, OP ?

Sorry I haven't posted earlier today, I'm ok, well not really but still here. Spent most of the day either dozing or trying to find something to do with myself, feel in total shock. Had a friend over this morning who stayed and made lunch but then had to go, and can't bring myself to call/tell anyone else, especially DP's parents. Told dc's their dad had to go away for work for a few days - I know I shouldn't have lied to them about it but just don't feel strong enough to say anything about the truth. Still can't get images of them together out of my head. Feel so tired but every time I sleep I feel worse. Need bed now I think, am shattered

Don't be sorry for not posting, we are just concerned for you x

I don't blame you for telling the dc's something temporary....you need a holding pattern while you gather your strength together x

Get some rest love x

It's fine to tell the kids a few lies until you know what you want to do. (How old are they?) and if you do separate you can tell them why in an age appropriate way, but don't worry about that right now.

I hope you are tucked up in bed, falling asleep and manage to get a good few hours - it will make life much easier if you aren't sleep deprived as well.

That image will go in time - try to bat it away when it comes, don't let yourself focus on it.

I hope you have tomorrow off of work too - be kind to yourself.

Feeling a little more together today, not much but anything will do at the moment! Managed to sleep but had really odd dreams all night. Luckily work have just been really good, I managed to blurt out what happened to my boss and he said he could actually do with getting some leave out the way while the place was full so is letting me take until Thursday off as holiday. It's going to mess up childcare in the school holidays but think all this is too so can't bring myself to worry about it.

Dc's are 7, 5 and almost 2, no idea how I'll explain any of this to them. DP hasn't even phoned to ask how they are or anything, think it's his attitude now more than anything I've heard that's convincing me this really is true, even though it still seems so unbelieveable. Feel so sad but starting to feel angry too, just making me really churned up. Hate waking up without him and the thought of how to manage by myself. If we split permanently I don't know if I can do everything myself, especially on less than our two wages.

Thankyou for all the advice and support, think I'd be convinced I was going crazy by myself. Can't face the idea of a STI test at the moment, still feeling in total denial that there might be more bad news, but will try and make some phone calls today and arrange to see a solicitor. Don't think I can bring myself to phone DP's parents, but will try and phone my sister at least, tell someone.

Morning love, I am glad you got some sleep even if it was disturbed by horrid dreams

Small steps today. Speak to your sister.

Start googling what state help you will be entitled to if you go it alone. Your kids will not starve and many women have managed, and will continue to manage, on their own. Let your friends and family rally round (not that side of the family obvs..)

Yes, true colours coming out wrt his behaviour. he is trying to out psyche into shutting the fuck up and letting him come back with no consequences. Don't let him. he is the guilty one, the one that has brought shame on himself

out psyche you

Where is he staying?
Tell whoever you want, don't consider him at all. You need care and support.
Good luck.