Feel so sick - think DP has cheated on me

[nottodayplease]

Sitting here absolutely devastated and don't even know if I should be or not! Last night DP and I went to an engagement party for one of his aunts and he's got quite a big family so there were a lot of people there and for half the night DP was away from me, here and there catching up with people while I sat and chatted (normal because I currently have hip problems so find it hard standing up for long periods of time). Normal night as far as I was concerned, but this morning DP was having a lie-in and another of his aunts, 'A', phoned and apologised but said she didn't know what to do but had to tell me that she'd seen DP 'all over' a 19-year old relative (no idea what relation they are, pretty distant if that makes any difference!), 'G', but she didn't think she could say anything at the time because she doesn't know us that well.

From what she described I can't help feeling pretty sure DP's having an affair with her, he's in and out far more than I am so it's possible - spent half an hour in the bathroom in tears after the call feeling so sure bbut now I don't know what to do. Woke DP up and he flatly denied it, would barely even talk about it - phoned his aunt back and had a go at her for making it up and told me not to take it seriously, that he'd sort it out. Didn't know what to say, just felt so confused - as far as I know A isn't the type to make stuff up or exaggerate something but I want to trust DP. Just have a sick feeling something's not right. DP is out playing with the dc's now and I'm just sat here frozen, what am I supposed to think?

I agree that some young women can be like this. My h now admits there were well over a hundred and most of them were probably under 25. They actually went on yahoo pool with really sexually suggestive names (eg givesgreatoral, bitchonherknees) , and that is how my h selected them, so they must know what they are doing, surely?

They knew he was married,they knew his real name, and they knew he was 50 (44-50 was his age over the timespan).

Not that I blame them, anyway.

And why the fuck isnt he at home reassuring YOU? Leaving you with the kids? What bloke would, if it wasnt true, knowing you would be traumatised and confused. He is off to try to save his skin, and he doesnt give a fuck about your feelings.

You poor woman.

He's round G's house bullying her in to changing her statement presumably.

Whatever he's been engaged in since he flounced will involve being up to no good so, to my mind, there's absolutely no point in sweating on where he is or who he's with as the OP effectively knows everything she needs to know to be aware that he's a cheat and a liar.

My much lamented late aunt always used to say that she'd rather have a thief than a liar because you know where you are with a thief and you can lock valuables away.

To my mind, anyone who cheats is both a thief and a liar. They steal hopes and dreams and lie through their teeth in the process.

Kicking him out may give him pause for thought, OP, but you need to be aware that with some liars hell will freeze over before they'll reveal the truth and it very much sounds as if he falls within that category.

I don't know why posters are assuming the H is a much older man. He could be in his early twenties too, especially if one of his aunts was getting engaged last night.

Agree he's probably leaning on G to change her statement, no doubt with promises that they must 'bide their time' and wait for the suspicions to ease....

so sorry you have to go through this. You are by no means alone, far, far from it. Reading your posts objectively I am 100 percent convinced he's been cheating on you. Yet some relationships can survive affairs, it takes a lot of hard work and honesty on both parts from what I can tell. My marriage didn't survive but we had lots of other issues too. I think you need to buy yourself some 'thinking' time. It seems very bloody typically male to me, that he's the one whose left the house! Can you get friends or family to look after the kids for a bit? Or tell him you need some time, and just get your head together a little. You'll be in shock for a while, you'll get angry soon, then so sad you won't eat.....it's a process and you need to allow yourself the time to get through it. You really do need your friends or family right now.

Hatty, I wasnt assuming it.

I was responding to an earlier poster who did, by pointing out that it wasnt relevant, mine is older, and hooked young girls anyway.

What a dreadful situation for you OP and hope that everything works out well for you; looks a bit murky.Take care!

Feeling a bit numb this morning, I did phone A back last night, mainly to apologise for DP's call and luckily she was very understanding about it. She said they'd 'almost looked like a new couple' to her, sitting on a wall in the dark kissing and 'fondling' each other. Felt gutted afterwards, dc's went to my friends which turned out to be a bad idea, I've been missing them really badly all night and won't get to see them until tonight , but at least I can work out what to do/how to explain all this.

DP came back late in the evening and said he'd been for a drink to 'let me calm down' and I said I just wanted the truth but he insisted it was all made up between A and G and that he was so disappointed that I didn't trust him and wasn't sure if our relationship was worth it if it meant so little to me. I wanted to get really angry with him but couldn't, just sat there hardly saying anything almost feeling like I should believe him, and now I'm angry with myself for that! He went to bed, expecting me to follow him, but I couldn't, ended up dozing on the sofa.

The weird thing is I'd believe him more if he wasn't being so cold about it all, whoever said he should be reassuring me struck a nerve, over something else that was innocent he'd be really trying to console me. Think it's all over , but still got to get through today, not sure I can.

DP is 31, if it makes any difference.

Good morning nottoday, have been following your thread, so sorry you are going through this.
His actions are speaking volumes aren't they? He thinks if he just sticks to his story that you are going to come around to believe him, he is totally ignoring how you are feeling about all of this.
My ex would lie 'til blue in the face rather than admit he was wrong about anything, looks like your getting the same treatment. It's very tiring and has you mentally exhausted!
I think he is probably going to continue to deny it all but you know that he is lying. Try and get a little rest today, some food and maybe a walk to try and clear you head some.

Think about what you want to do now, to be fair if he won't admit it I can't see how, if you wanted to, you could try and work this out with him though.
Try and take care of yourself.

I would ask him to leave until he's willing to tell the truth. He's lying because he sees you wavering and he thinks he can get away with it. X

Have read your thread OP. No experience, but sending you hugs (((())))

People who cheat always lie. whenever did you hear a spouse say yes I cheated when 1stchallenged? It doesn't happen. He sounds like a total lowlife to me. Hopefully you'll find the strength at some point to get rid- for your and your kids' sakes

Your P is a man of weak character and is selfish,dishonest and a betrayer. You know you deserve better.
Best ask him to leave. Hard to do and you're still in shock but he is not taking responsibility for his actions at all and therefore,there is very little hope for the relationship. Sorry.

How on earth could you let this pass? From the outside, to us looking in, it's blatantly obvious he's lying through his teeth. But you still love him and are therefore wavering as you're desperate for this whole mess to go away and you can revert to how you were before.
But you can't. This will eat away at you, because you know that not only did he cheat on you, he did so publicly, which humiliated you and THEN, thought so little of you that he lied and lied and lied, dismissing your justified pain and anguish, so desperate is he to perpetuate his lie.
I just cannot see any way forward for this relationship at all. He's beneath contempt.
I'm so sorry.

Notoday, it was me who wrote that.

What will happen IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAINTAIN AN EMOTIONAL DISTANCE is that you will start in the next few weeks to see patterns in his behaviour around lying/secrecy which you didnt see before.

My relationship took a poor turn after we moved back to my home town two years ago, as he blamed me for the move, and he was unspeakable about it, even the kids were dragged in by him, which prevented them from settling. It never occurred to him that my unhappiness was because he had already been doing this with young girls for 3.5 years by then, with the attendant withdrawal, aloofless, coming to bed at 3am if at all, emotional neglect of me etc etc which goes along with infidelity. But I didnt see it either, I even went to therapy alone to try to work out 'my issues' in life.

It was only after we moved here that I finally became exasperated, and then I started to notice GENERAL patterns of lying and defensiveness, but still didnt suspect, except subconsiously.

I was able to force a confession the last time, because I had effectively, I suppose, been studying him in a new way previously. And he was able to admit it, because he had no choice. I had moved out of the bedroom, seen a solicitor, and then we went to Relate, where I wouldnt back down despite his denials. His sense of shame was so overpowering, he COULDNT admit it.

It does help to look at it from his viewpoint, and his personality, not to sympathise, but to jolt yourself awake enough to see the obvious in him.

Whilst you are powerfully wanting to believe that he couldnt lie this way etc etc, or do that to the kids, it gets in the way. It is , literally, denial.

Also the lady upthread is right, he senses your ambivalence, and that combined with his desperation is making him refuse to admit. He hasnt accepted he is busted, because you havnt.

You're all right, I know, but I definitely do wish it could all go away, I was so sure we were 'alright' before and I think I just want to go back to feeling like that. I called in sick this morning, couldn't really do anything but, I've barely slept all night so I'd be useless anyway without all this going on but that seemed to really irritate DP. He seemed to take offence about it, started ranting about how silly it was to get worked up over something 'some girl' had said and that it better not get back to his parents and upset them. I still wanted to get angry but ended up sobbing like a kid at that, I think I realised then, cold light of day and all that, he was just trying to cover himself. He stomped about a bit and asked what I expected him to do about it all. I managed to get out that I thought he should leave and after arguing about it he got some stuff in a bag and left for work, saying I could phone him when I 'got over myself'. Feel so stunned, he's never been that defensive before, which just makes it more and more obvious .

Phoned a friend to come over, don't know who else I can tell about it.

fiveinthree - wish it didn't but that makes perfect sense to me. He doesn't usually like being 'called out' by anyone about anything he's done wrong, even small things, so this wouldn't be any different. He's become less communicative in the last couple of years which I've noticed before but put down to the pressure of work and the dc's but now I'm trying not to freak out, wondering how long this has all been going on.

So sorry he is being a defensive shit. As long as he is like this, there is no way of repairing things As five has said, he should be doing everything to reassure you instead of acting like a spoilt child caught in the act.

I would contact your close friends and family and ask for support/help.

His actions are so clearly and absolutely those of a guilty man who wants you to STFU

I'll bet your relationship was perfectly OK before. He didn't do this because there was something "missing" (unless you call fondling a 19yo's tits as something "missing"). He did this for the thrill and the excitement and because he could

if you stay with him after this, after the way he has so cruelly tried to blame you and make you feel like the unreasonable one, then he will have got away with it. And it will happen again.

Notoday, notice the pattern of what he says.

He is thinking as follows:

-OMG, shes not going to work today, this means she really is upset, it could all come out.

• shit, Im going to look like an even bigger liar and a fool after all this
• and she might tell my parents; that would be awful and shaming
• I am feeling REALLY exposed and scared now.

What a disgusting excuse of a man.

To be so blatant - fondling and kissing someone at a party you both went to - is just abhorrent and clearly shows he has NO respect for you or his family.

Of course you're numb right now, love. It will take time to settle in. But I hope when it does hit you, you will kick him out.

Why the hell did you sleep on the sofa?!

And he has become uncommunicative because he has/is emotionally withdrawing. Its the only way they can handle the deceit.

Mine used to make work excuses to come home late every night, and also to work saturdays etc. They just vanish, either in body and mind, or just in mind, or a mixture of both.

What an absolute SHIT. He's irritated because you're not in a fit state for work, you've got "worked up" over it, it had better not "UPSET HIS BLOODY PARENTS," (they can't be upset, but you can? He should have thought of that before he started fondling a 19year old at a family party so blatantly that his aunt noticed), asks what you expect him to do about it all, and tells you YOU can phone HIM when you've "got over yourself?"

Words fail me.
You need to get angry, nottoday.

So many of us are making sense because unfortunately so many of us have been where you are :( No doubt the vast majority of us just wanted things back as they were before - the sad fact is that no matter what happens now, that will never happen. You can separate or you can choose to build a new relationship together - but you cannot simply go back :(

There's the odd poster around who has been able to rebuild a relationship with their partner, but they are few & far between and most importantly their partner has been on their knees begging for forgiveness and been willing to work really hard on building a new relationship together. Your P just doesn't have that in him/doesn't care enough.

I tried to forgive... but it just ate away at me and manifested itself in various ways and our relationship eventually died out (I wish I had been on MN at the time - OH BOY would I have done things differently!!!).

One of my best friends is still with her husband, they have been through years of grief and although they are 'ok' now, it's not great and she says that if she had known then, what she knows now she would never have put herself through those years. She doesn't trust him, but doesn't stress about it anymore, she says she knows she would be perfectly fine on her own so it no longer scares her whether he's up to no good or not as if she finds out she could boot him out of the door and it would not turn her life upside down. Which is a pretty sad way to live I think but they do love each other - so it's not all bad.

What I'm trying to say, in a long winded way, is that your relationship, as you knew it, is over. You now have the choice of going it alone or building a new relationship with your P - however, you can only do that if he is willing to be honest about what has happened and is willing to look at why it happened and what needs to change so it wont happen again and sadly, I don't think he is. You could try to stick some band aids on it, ignore what he's done, pretend to believe him... but it will all end in tears when he does it again, which he will, if he wont face up to it and you allow him to get away with it.

It is such a horrible, horrible feeling and I am really sorry you are going through this x