AIBU..to be so upset over comment by DH?

[cathyearnshaw]

SO we have a big family wedding in a couple of months. I will be about 6 months pregnant - I've put on alot of weight - I mean alot about 2 stone - in the first trimester what with appetite going haywire. Huge boobs. Feel really fat and unattractive. Money is tight so I'm doing the best I can to get an outfit together out of the housekeeping.

My dress arrived from ebay; I tried it on - I was really pleased, it's very flattering. DH gets home from work that eve. Me - "My dress arrived - would you like to see it?" DH - "No"

So a week or so later I decided to try the outfit on - walk into the room, DD gasps, "mummy you look beautiful".

Dh has to be prompted to even notice dress by DD (despite huge floral headgear thing) His comments include

• why do you need a pashmina?

-what;s that on your head ? (it's actually only a flower hairclip, nothing OTT)

• well there's not much you can do with a maternity dress is there?

-I suppose you might lose some weight before then.

• your fat is overhanging your bra at the back (it's not - I checked in the mirror)

All with a face on looking at me like I was a piece of shit.

I'm now ridiculously upset - I know I've put on weight, I know my breasts are out of control.

It's actually what I've come to expect from him - I got a new jumper for Xmas and wasn't sure whether to exchange it or not and is response was "well it's better than all the other shit you've got in your wardrobe." I'm not a frumpy dresser either.

So is it - as he claims - honest of him to tell me how it is and how I look? Although I really thought I looked not bad considering...

I would stop squashing those thoughts about leaving if I were you. He is still turning it round on you- how dare you expect a bit of tact and kindness from your own husband ffs! He has form, he has been told how hurt you are and he STILL DOESN'T CARE.

Of course you can look nice and be pregnant!

Something doesn't seem right here at all, what kind of man does this and then tells his pregnant partner to fuck off when she tries to talk to him about how she feels!!!

"all with a face on looking like I was a piece of shit" now tell me how do you know it was her he was looking at and not the outfit???

He obviously didn't like it so......

What did he say that was vile and nasty??? Men don't get accessories. He said her back fat was spilling over she said it wasn't as she had checked maybe he thought it looked like it and maybe he thought other people would think that??!!

maybe I just don't make a mountain out of molehill. Its ridiculous that people are telling her to leave him. If he hits her, if he is emotionally abusive ie always says she's looks like shit always says she'll never amount to anything she's a crap mother she's fat etc then she should leave him but after him not liking what she looked like in an outfit isn't it.

Yes he needs to be more tactful but I would prefer a partner to say if he didn't think I looked good than go out and then not be too sure how I really look.

You don't need to feel sorry for me cup

It sounds like it's really important to him to let you know that you're shit in his eyes.

Most men I know are full of wonder and love when their partners are in the process of creating a new life.

The fact he's keen to put you down at all times (but especially when you're pregnant?), is the big deal I think.

OP you sound lovely and you know you deserve better. So does your DD - when he starts criticising her clothing and her body, it could mess her up forever.

I bought a dress from ebay when pregnant with ds3 and was huge, thought it looked ok on me at time and was totally out of options anyway. Dh was so lovely and even though i am utterly horrified i went out looking so ridiculous now, at the time i was confident as supportive partner made me feel so good. Hope you can work it out x

Flight you're nuts

Cathy you poor thing. I would try to take steps to get out of this abusive relationship. I know it's hard as you are pregnant, but before this awful man destroys any more of your self confidence you need to find the strength to get rid. You will be so much better on your own. Better to have no one ( apart from your lovely DD) commenting on your appearance than having someone say awful things about you.

"go though eBay with him and see if he can spot something he would like to see you in."

After that, you could perhaps ask him to google and point out images of women he feels are acceptable/attractive or at least not deserving of his derision. There's no way that wouldn't be helpful.

Are you married to my ex?
He treats you like shit.

OP, did you like the dress you tried on? How did you feel/ look in it? That is all that matters. If you liked it, then great, if not swap/exchange it.

However, whilst honesty from a partner can be appreciated (which is what I think Flight is getting at) when pregnant it is a whole different ball game, especially as OP already feels self conscious.

OP, did you tell him how his comments and lack of enthusiasm about how you looked, hurt you? He has a right to know how his comments made you feel. If his answer to this is a shrug or any thing other than an apology then he is clearly the one with an issue.

Flight - you think telling your wife to 'fuck off' when she confronts you with how upset she is, is 'normal bloke' behaviour? And then you wonder why people on here are feeling a bit sorry for you?

Are you being disingenuous, by missing the bigger picture here? Or do you genuinely believe the OP should be compromising to accommodate his attitude and behaviour, as you suggested in your first post?

reindeer - it wasn't the dress he took issue with it was me in it. ie too booby, too much weight etc. and I did tell him and started crying and he told me to fuck off. He does have form but I always make excuses and I flagged up this particular incident because it upset me so much - probably because I'm pg. ANd the response is a bit of a wake up call...

A clue in the respect thing is would you want him talking to your daughter like that? Or her growing up thinking that is acceptable for a man to treat someone with so little respect.

Been in similar situation, you do have options, never feel like you have none and have to stay.

does he ever act kindly or gently toward you OP

does he ever say nice things

Aw Cathy, so sorry your "D"H is not being at all kind about this. I couldn't read and not post. Big hugs and I'm sure you'll look lovely on the day. Your DD certainly thinks so.

unreasonable - no he never says anything nice. or does anything kind. he must have done once but I can't remember the last time.

Constructive criticism would be 'mmm, do you think it might look better without the hair clip? Take it off and let's have a look. Yeah, looks better without'

Being rude would be one of the things he said to you.

Being an outright spiteful and nasty twat to someone you don't think much of would be to list all the things you can think of that you know will make them feel like shit, and then try to palm off responsibility for it onto them.

It's a bit worrying that he thought it was OK to say them in the first place, but not acknowledging how he's made you feel now you've told him must make for an awful place for you to have to live in

Cathy, is there anyone in RL you can talk to about this? The way you're being spoken to is not right. It sounds like your confidence has been steadily undermined by this man. It also sounds like neither of you like the other one and you say that you have thought many times about leaving. You need RL help to decide what you want to do.

I'm glad you are waking up to the fact that this isn't acceptable.

You said earlier that you wanted to write down some other things that he has said/done. Would it make you feel better to do that?

You need to think about your children - do you want your DD growing up thinking that this is normal? That this is acceptable? Would you want her having a relationship like yours?

ha! I knew it was the boobs! At 6 months you're blooming. He is a jealous little troll, knowing that lots of people will be admiring you, telling you how well you look, fussing over your beautiful bump and loving your gorgeous little dd and he'll be left in the shade.
He needs to man up and be honest about his vulnerability. If he can't be nice about it, you know it's all him and not you. just laugh at him, ignore him and take strength from being a strong, independent woman and watch him shrivel.

Op, why are you with him? I don't normally advocate the "leave the bastard" brigade but I think in this case they may have a good argument.

Oh Cathy, I'm sorry he was so vile to you, I'm glad it was a wake up call for you though, you don't deserve to be treated like that. He had absolutely no right to tell you to fuck off, just because you called him on his rudeness.

Pregnant or not, you need to decide if you want to be with this man. And whether you feel you can work through these issues or that this is the end, MN can't help you make that decision, however you can chat and gain some wonderful advice here.

By the way, is he a bloody model? Swearing and insulting his wife while she is carrying his child, I am assuming he is an Adonis? No, thought not. Probably just a bloke who doesn't appreciate what his wife is going through, that doesn't excuse his behaviour and you should definitely have a big talk (unless there is a chance he will continue his horrid behaviour towards you).

OP, he was vile

he is still vile

if you swallow this, he will get viler

don't listen to the Stepford comments about how "men just don't understand how hurtful they are"

you say your dd is noticing

listen to your dd, she is you barometer, your guide...no matter what strangers say x

People who say "I'm just being honest" are never doing that, that phrase is code for "I'm just being a hurtful, mean arse" your DD was actually being honest and she said you look beautiful and kids generally don't lie. He was a complete cock and then to tell you to Fuck off for having the nerve to be upset is breathtakingly awful. Hope you feel better soon I'd be off sobbing my eyes out and eating toast and biscuits by the handful!

If I cried in front of my husband or friend or mum I wouldn't ever think it was normal to be told to fuck off. Unless I had just killed their cat, but even then...

Sounds like he saw you feeling good about yourself (because of your lovely new outfit) and under minded your confidence to make himself feel better.

Not nice. YANBU