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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU..to be so upset over comment by DH?

121 replies

cathyearnshaw · 21/01/2012 19:26

SO we have a big family wedding in a couple of months. I will be about 6 months pregnant - I've put on alot of weight - I mean alot about 2 stone - in the first trimester what with appetite going haywire. Huge boobs. Feel really fat and unattractive. Money is tight so I'm doing the best I can to get an outfit together out of the housekeeping.

My dress arrived from ebay; I tried it on - I was really pleased, it's very flattering. DH gets home from work that eve. Me - "My dress arrived - would you like to see it?" DH - "No"

So a week or so later I decided to try the outfit on - walk into the room, DD gasps, "mummy you look beautiful".

Dh has to be prompted to even notice dress by DD (despite huge floral headgear thing) His comments include

  • why do you need a pashmina?
-what;s that on your head ? (it's actually only a flower hairclip, nothing OTT)
  • well there's not much you can do with a maternity dress is there?
-I suppose you might lose some weight before then.
  • your fat is overhanging your bra at the back (it's not - I checked in the mirror)
All with a face on looking at me like I was a piece of shit.

I'm now ridiculously upset - I know I've put on weight, I know my breasts are out of control.

It's actually what I've come to expect from him - I got a new jumper for Xmas and wasn't sure whether to exchange it or not and is response was "well it's better than all the other shit you've got in your wardrobe." I'm not a frumpy dresser either.

So is it - as he claims - honest of him to tell me how it is and how I look? Although I really thought I looked not bad considering...

OP posts:
runningwilde · 21/01/2012 19:57

I'm really sorry to hear you are upset. If he is always like this, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay with him or split up? Do you think he can change with counselling/relate?

X

Original poster
cathyearnshaw · 21/01/2012 19:58

Mrs Terry p - I think I'll do that when I can get my head round addressing it properly. I consider leaving regularly but squash the thought.

OP posts:
TheAlphaParent · 21/01/2012 19:58

yanbu. He is being abusive and I am worried for you and your DCs. I think a trip to Relate is in order and then a serious re-think about this relationship.

EightiesChick · 21/01/2012 19:59

Good luck with that OP. He has been extremely rude and mean as everyone has said. There is lots of good advice on here. Disregard his opinion totally - it is warped.

FlightRisk · 21/01/2012 19:59

Did I miss something? I only read her first post and then commented I'll obviously go back through and see

catgirl1976 · 21/01/2012 20:00

i think you missed the point tbh flightrisk

you must have misread her post

FlightRisk · 21/01/2012 20:02

????? He's just a normal bloke if you ask me.

No style sense insesitive to his wife especially when she'll be feeling extra vulnerable.

Did he actually use the words "you look crap take it off!!!" er no!!

Where has the op said he's abusive???

Seriously I have seen much worse posted here

ChaoticAngel · 21/01/2012 20:04

What a vile, nasty, cruel thing to say Shock

I agree you need to speak to him and then decide where to go from there, depending on his response. The relationships board would be a good place to post as well.

catgirl1976 · 21/01/2012 20:06

your on your own there flightrisk

preciousmuch · 21/01/2012 20:07

what a fuckin spiteful nasty cockroachy little wanky arsewipe knobend-y thing to say. your ddi said you look beautiful. Yes it is very hard to find nice maternity clothes but you found something you're happy in & he should be happy for you to feel comfy and that your choice flatters you. Just about everyone here knows how 'challenging' it is to dress a pregnant body, maybe your boobs are a bit too prominent for his liking and his comments come from jealousy? So what, make the most of them, emphasize your best bits, take your mind off the bits you want to ignore.
I balloon after 2 pregnancies in quick succession. Some people made spiteful comments like your dh's, they cut me to the quick and will stay with me,jasmine colouring how I feel about those 'loved ones'.
My dh was nothing but loving, kind and complimentary even though I know I looked like the back end of the bus. Seriously, I was gopping!
Well now I am walking as much as I can with 2 babies, eating a balanced nutritious 'diet' whilst breastFeeding and the weight is nearly all gone.
If you want to lose it after you can and if you don't ,, well FUCK him... There is more to life than appearances and first and foremost is your responsibility for your new baby and for your emotional and mental welling.
I wanted to lose the weight because it was impacting on my joints and mobility but it was MY decision and noone else's.
Have you told him how hurt you are?
Un-mumsnetty hugs to you x

CupOfBrownJoy · 21/01/2012 20:07

Then I feel a little bit sorry for you Flightrisk. My DP would never say these things in a million years. He has tact and empathy - shouldn't be difficult to find in another human being...

ChaoticAngel · 21/01/2012 20:08

FlightRisk "normal blokes" don't go around saying vile, nasty things to their DW/P's, especially when they are at their most vulnerable.

Did you miss this bit? "All with a face on looking at me like I was a piece of shit"

happydotcom · 21/01/2012 20:08

What a horrible man.
Was he like this before DD too or ust all the time?

You don't deserve to be treated like that.

CupOfBrownJoy · 21/01/2012 20:08

"All with a face on looking at me like I was a piece of shit"

I think that's the key phrase really.... says it all.

CupOfBrownJoy · 21/01/2012 20:09

ah cross posts chaotic

FlightRisk · 21/01/2012 20:11

I haven't misread her post. she's upset because he was being insensitive with his comments about what she looked like.

The op isn't being UR for being upset she's right to be. He is being unreasonable by being an insensitive shit.

She should tell him how she feels. maybe he doesn't like what she's wearing, does he have to??? maybe she's changed how she dresses over time and he's not actually said thats whats bothering him.

They should talk about it. what is so wrong with me saying that?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 21/01/2012 20:12

My ex once said to me that I "won't turn heads in that but you'll turn fucking stomachs" when I showed him a much loved new outfit. You will note that he is my Ex ...

Original poster
cathyearnshaw · 21/01/2012 20:13

Well just told him I was upset by it - he's amazed.
Didn't I want constructive criticism?
It's because i'm too booby. I'm pg - can't really expect to look nice.
WHen I started crying he told me to fuck off and walked out the room. ANd has just shouted through - it's a dress, how can my whole sense of self be tied up in a dress and his reaction to it. WHich is somewhat missing the point! ANd utter bolloocks too....

OP posts:
everlong · 21/01/2012 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathyearnshaw · 21/01/2012 20:17

Pombear - dear god that is really shocking.
Flightrisk - you are rather missing the point - he has said similar to me before pg - and there's nothing you could take issue with re the dress, it's really simple and pulls in the right places and emphasizes the bump. As for sitting down going through ebay looking for a dress with me..... surely there can't be many men out there who'd actually do that???

OP posts:
everlong · 21/01/2012 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tuffinmop · 21/01/2012 20:18

What a complete cock. Your body is doing the most amazing thing and making his baby. I hear you about the out of control tits - my little girl is nearly 6 months old and i've still got knockers that are more than a handful. But thats ok, i'm breastfeeding and trying to remember its about my baby not my looks at the moment. If I was you I would be formulating a plan to get rid.
Good luck x

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 21/01/2012 20:19

cathy I'm so sorry. He is awful. But you know that.

Do you like him?

Does he like you?

This thread reads as if you hate each other. :( That's a horrible way to spend the rest of your life.

Original poster
cathyearnshaw · 21/01/2012 20:20

Everlong - I just did that - he told me to fuck off. Really I know what to do - I'm a bit shocked by the response I've had to this from you loverly MNetters- it's a bit of a wake up call that this really isn't acceptable.

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 21/01/2012 20:21

Are you squashing thoughts of leaving him because you think now is not the time to do something so nuclear? Yes it could be a truly bad time to make yourself single. But it could also be a truly bad time to stay with someone who treats you so badly. If this isn't a one-off, and he has no redeeming features, then quite frankly you have nothing to lose by leaving him and everything to gain by starting afresh.