AIBU..to be so upset over comment by DH?

[cathyearnshaw]

SO we have a big family wedding in a couple of months. I will be about 6 months pregnant - I've put on alot of weight - I mean alot about 2 stone - in the first trimester what with appetite going haywire. Huge boobs. Feel really fat and unattractive. Money is tight so I'm doing the best I can to get an outfit together out of the housekeeping.

My dress arrived from ebay; I tried it on - I was really pleased, it's very flattering. DH gets home from work that eve. Me - "My dress arrived - would you like to see it?" DH - "No"

So a week or so later I decided to try the outfit on - walk into the room, DD gasps, "mummy you look beautiful".

Dh has to be prompted to even notice dress by DD (despite huge floral headgear thing) His comments include

• why do you need a pashmina?

-what;s that on your head ? (it's actually only a flower hairclip, nothing OTT)

• well there's not much you can do with a maternity dress is there?

-I suppose you might lose some weight before then.

• your fat is overhanging your bra at the back (it's not - I checked in the mirror)

All with a face on looking at me like I was a piece of shit.

I'm now ridiculously upset - I know I've put on weight, I know my breasts are out of control.

It's actually what I've come to expect from him - I got a new jumper for Xmas and wasn't sure whether to exchange it or not and is response was "well it's better than all the other shit you've got in your wardrobe." I'm not a frumpy dresser either.

So is it - as he claims - honest of him to tell me how it is and how I look? Although I really thought I looked not bad considering...

What a twat.

FabbyChic "some men just don't find pregnancy attractive." I know you went on to mitigate, but seriously, you think she should take that shit?! Hmm, what an interesting dynamic you must have in your relationships.

DH would never dare say anything like that to me, especially when pregnant, hormonal and already feeling pretty crappy about everything else. If for some reason he did, he'd have about three seconds before I told him precisely what a twat he'd been.

I'd bring this up if I were you, otherwise I think it'll eat you up.

BTW, I'm 7 months preggo now, look like the back and side of a bus and am thoroughly pissed off. DH looks at me like a moronic calf every day and tells me how beautiful I am (really not a stealth boast, it is insanely irritating). I do however sweat glow.

How can OP compromise pleas, FlightRisk

@ FlightRisk....really? Really??

@op - sorry but has he always been like this? He sounds like a nasty twat tbh.

He is being a dick, even if you did look like shit, which I sincerely doubt, why would he think it is okay for him to say so?

Personally I would wear what I like, fuck him off and spend the evening with friends who actually care about me, you may have trouble shifting weight when the baby is born, do you really need someone reducing you when you are dealing with everything a new child brings?

God he sounds hideous, poor you, I'd be totally upset if my DP spoke to me like that, and you're pregnant ffs!! he sounds vile, that's not honestly, that's a disgusting way to speak to someone :(

flightrisk Go through ebay with him?? Find something he would like to see you in?

I think she should find something she would like to see him in. Like a divorce court.

flightrisk - are you quite mad?? What, in the OP's message, gives you the idea that he would like to help his wife look for clothes? What world do you live in where gratuitous cruelty from a husband to wife should be indulged? Do you think that, by gaining weight during pregnancy, the OP has somehow 'hurt' her husband, and needs to make it up to him?

Where's OP? Cathy it might have upset you more to read all these people saying he's a twat...but he IS! What decent person says a thing like that to a pregnant woman?? Or ANYONE??? I hope you're ok.

Flightrisk... Really? It is her job to pacify a grown man who has trouble adjusting to the changes in his partners body? A man who obviously prides aesthetic above biology?

Let's just allow the man to have a little more impact on the OP's self esteem shall we.

Oh god, now I'm really crying, you're all being so nice. He's always like this - the jumper incident was last Xmas before I was pg. I'm strarting to suspect I'm married to an undermining bully. Stupidly I gave up work when I had DD and now can't see any way to get out of it. SHe's starting to notice too.

What an arsehole, how horrible to say things like that to you! :( I am only 9wks and have lived in the same pair of baggy PJ bottoms and dressing gown in the evenings for weeks (washed of course) while trying to ride out all- day morning sickness. DH never says a peep about the way I look- gives me hugs and calls me beautiful. Don't think you have to put up with the way he is treating you.

Oh love. I know we're not meant to do this but ((hugs)). There are always ways out and I know some lovely (and more knowlegable) poster will have better advice. Do you have any family nearby that could help out if you decide to leave?

Oh cathy. I am so sorry :(

I think sometimes when certain types of men know they are married to women who are far too good for them, instead of valuing them they try to undermine them as they are scared they will lose them, and by taking away all thier confidence they will hang on to them

This is no excuse for your OHs behaviour but it does sound like he knows you are beautiful and fantastic and doesn't deserve you. You don't have to put up with this

Do you have friends or family you could talk to?

I suspected this wasnt a new thing.
From the way you were trying to work out if it was ok or not, sounds as if he has been working on you for a while.

There are people here who can help you find a way of getting away from this wanker.

Perhaps this could be moved to relationships?

I'm here - just can't keep up! It's an Isabella Oliver dress ffs - it's lovely. And flattering! I'm tempted to list a few of the other things that hve been said by him which I have come to accept as normal.

Aside from the fact that you may have accidentally married a twat, it's rude

I wouldn't be rude to my friends, I wouldn't be rude to my colleagues. And my DP is absolutely the last person who I expect to be rude to me. He's meant to look out for you, he's meant to "have your back". Doesn't sound like it though....

He's been very cruel and unpleasant.

What was he like about your clothes/appearance when you first met? Has he gotten worse since you got pregnant? What happens if you challenge him on it - using the MN classic 'Did you mean that to sound so rude?'

Cathy if you really want to get out, go to the relationships board and get some advice from the amazing posters there. I think you need to think about what you and DD could accomplish together alone.

There's a world of difference with someone being frank about an outfit which is not entirely to your taste and the way he behaved. You deserve better.

Yanbu to feel upset. You would bu to think that his comments are true if you take them to mean you are not beautiful. I have learnt over the years that the only comment I ever make on a pg woman's appearance is "you look great". Because its always, always true.

Feeling quite depressed at the reaction to something I have suspected was not normal behaviour for a good few years. I'm going to speak to him thie eve about it (the outifit nastiness - not leaving) and see what his reason is. WOuld normally leave it but I'm too upset.

My dh and I are not lovey dovey types.

A good friend asked me about a year ago what I loved most about him and after lots of jokes (I find any sentimentality deeply embarrassing!) I thought about it and said 'Never once in 17 years has he made me feel insecure'.

He might be diplomatic about an outfit he's not mad about eg 'It's nice but I prefer you in X - you look gorgeous in that'. He always manages to turn it into a compliment. I was ENORMOUS when I was preggo - put on 4 stone both times, but he never once commented negatively.

I'm really quite upset for you.

I think you do need to speak to him, yes. His response to hearing how deeply he's wounded you will tell you absolutely everything you need to know.

Totally agree with everyone else, he is an arse.

I'm so sorry that the person whose baby you are growing cannot treat you with the adoration that you deserve.