Dp gets v angry and swears at me

[dollydoops]

My dp and I have just celebrated our seven year anniversary at the weekend. We had a lovely weekend, all lovey dovey etc etc. Was v happy. Then on Monday night, i was getting my clothes ready for work and I couldn't find a pair of trousers that I knew had been washed but were not in the pile with the rest of the clothes. I remembered seeing dp with them in her hand earlier so I asked her if she remembered where she put them. Dp was in bed at this point but not asleep. She said she had put them with the rest of the washing and was quite huffy.

I was a bit annoyed that dp was being unhelpful and went off to look for the trousers, finding them on the banister. When I told dp I thought she might say 'oh yes I remember I put them there' or something but instead she went off on a rant at me saying I should have looked for them, I shouldn't have 'expected her to get out of bed and look for them'. I didn't expect this at all! Only perhaps a little conversation about where they might be.

I pointed this out to dp and said very mildly that she hadn't been very helpful. At this point she became very angry and vegan telling me to shut the fuck up. I kept responding 'please don't swear at me, don't talk to mr like that' but she just kept saying shut the fuck up and fuck you etc. The last thing I said to her before going to sleep was 'I love you' (as I always do) to which she responded 'fuck off.'

We have made it up now but she has not apologized for swearing at me and says it was because I was having a go at her that she did it. I love her but hate the swearing and anger. Sorry this is long but does this sound normal to you?

Angry and vegan!! :o I meant of course BEGAN

Sounds like she was tired and you interrupted her drifting off into sleep. She should apologise if the situation was as you describe it, but tbh I'd let it go.

Sorry, that's far too drama-free for the Relationships board, so:
Leave the bastard bitch!

Is this a common occurrence?

Arf at 'angry and vegan'

Agree with ecclesvet. Is she like this a lot?

OK, so DID you get her out of bed to look for them?

Do you make a habit of this?

Are you constantly using her to remember where stuff it?

No is the predominant answer then tbh, it doesn't sound a very nice way to be treated.

does this happen often? I'm guessing that this is not the first time, otherwise you wouldn't have started this post.

She told you she had put them with the rest of the washing, so why were you "a bit annoyed that dp was being unhelpful"? How was that unhelpful? How much more help did you want?
And just how much more "conversation about where they might be" did you expect?
It's rather feeble not to be able to find your own trousers; if you make a habit of expecting your dp to locate your belongings (or "help" you with other trivial tasks) even when she's already in bed, no wonder she was angry.

Do you often expect her to remember where your stuff is or is it just because you happened to see those trousers in her hand? I ask because my OH ALWAYS asks me where random items of his are, often before he starts to look, sometimes when there is a very narrow range of places where they could be - and it does get hugely frustrating when it happens twenty times a day. (also frustrating for him when my stock answer is 'dunno' or 'up your arse' if I can't immediately remember where I last saw whatever it was - otoh maybe your partner would do better adopting that response rather than shouting at you)

Her reaction was over the top, but to be honest if my DH asked me something about washing when I was in bed I'd probably tell him to get lost. Perhaps it's time to sit down with her and ask her why she reacts so strongly? It sounds me like she is quite angry at you and rather than talking to you about it, she screams at you instead.

Your dp sounds like me! Are you always asking her where stuff is or to do something?
Without knowing both of you personally it sounds as if she was tired and ratty, it's hard to be rational when you're at that point.

She should apologise though, it's not nice to be on the receiving end of it

I would not be happy if DP spoke to me like that, It doesn't sound normal to me. Yes you probably were annoying her a bit with the questions, and we all occasionally say things we don't mean etc when tired or upset, but it's not good to get into the habit of speaking to your partner like that.

If it's a one off, then doesn't have to be a huge issue, but she should apologise, and make efforts to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I take your point about asking dp where stuff is, but I don't do it often and it was because I had seen her with them and they weren't with the rest of the washing, so I thought she had put them somewhere else. It just seems like a massive over reaction to me, even if I was being annoying, which I admit that I was a bit.

Massive over reaction? Try out of order!

"telling me to shut the fuck up. I kept responding 'please don't swear at me, don't talk to mr like that' but she just kept saying shut the fuck up and fuck you etc. The last thing I said to her before going to sleep was 'I love you' (as I always do) to which she responded 'fuck off.'

Not in my lifetime! I dont care how annoyed someone is, I would not accept being spoken to like that by my partner. Its absolutely not on. End of.

Imagine your partner telling you to fuck off when you tell them you love them. Bollocks to that!

I'd be naffed off if someone, particularly an adult, was asking me where their trousers are just when I'm dozing off. Do you often rely on dp to 'find' things for you or know where your laundry is?

No excuse for the swearing mind but maybe your dp is fed up with playing your mum?

I get so sick of being my DH's wardrobe assistant and chief detective of lost items that aren't actually lost that I can be extremely sarcastic and say 'for fucks sake' quite a lot.

Your DP seems to have taken it to the next level though and she hasn't apologised.

I always apologise because I am quite aggressive by nature and know that no matter how stupid and irritating DH is at times, its up to me to 'police' myself and I think if I've resorted to sarcasm, swearing and eyerolls I've really lost any moral high-ground. Think you should have a talk about whats acceptable from both of you.

What ArtVandelay says in the last paragraph.

Im not anti-swearing I quite like it actually but there's a difference between saying "for fucks sake" about something when you're annoyed about something and telling someone to "shut the fuck up" or "fuck off" thats just disrespectful.

Dolly, haven't you posted before that your relationship used to be violent (where your dp hit you?). If that was you, then while the physical violence may have stopped, it's clear the verbal hasn't. You shouldn't have to live with it, and I think you are in an unhealthy dynamic together.

While it may have been annoying to expect your dp to remember where your trousers might be, her reaction was way over the top. I honestly think you should consider whether this relationship is good for either of you.

You have posted before about your dp's abusive behaviour, dolly, and it's clear that, as koda has said, your relationship is unhealthy.

Why are you living with this woman when it seems patently obvious that she does not reciprocate the love and respect you give her?

The odd 'lovey dovey' weekend is surely insufficient to address the imbalance in your partnership.

The language and response is inexcusable OP. No question. She sounds venemous! How very disrespectful she is!

However, as a seperate issue can I just tell you that my husband used to be very guilty of not being able to find things for himself, and then expecting me to jump up and find it for him, or at the very least direct him to the item's precise location. It was incredibly aggravating!!
We fell out countless times over me not being 'helpful' enough when he couldn't find something - which frankly was every single fucking day. He just couldn't be arsed to look properly himself, and thought I could jolly well do it for him. No fucking thank you.

I know you say that you don't do this very often....but I am telling you - it is a very big fucking ask when you do. Use your eyes!!!

'I love her but hate the swearing and the anger'

What are you getting out of this relationship?
What is it taking out of you?
You should make two lists.

Just wrt this particular incident -- yes it is annoying to have to deal with an adult who can't find her pants when you're just at the point of sleep, but the reaction was disproportionate and not what someone would do if they really and truly loved and respected their partner.

I agree math totally.
I don't think the response was warranted at all.

I hate being asked to find things that other people have lost. And it drives me crazy when I get told things are in such and such a place only to find that they are not. However, I'd never tell someone to shut the fuck up or to fuck off over something like that. (I might mutter something under my breath to myself though!!).

I see that opinion is divided but most of those who thought dp's reaction was understandable are saying that I need to find my own darn trousers :o ok, I'll take that on board BUT I still feel sad aboutthe swearing. Sorry to drip feed but just wanted to mention that at some point I said something like 'you need to change your behaviour towards me' and dp said 'I'm not changing for YOU. If you don't like it, get out.' it's as though she doesn't recognize that she's doing anything wrong- or doesn't care.