Dp gets v angry and swears at me

[dollydoops]

My dp and I have just celebrated our seven year anniversary at the weekend. We had a lovely weekend, all lovey dovey etc etc. Was v happy. Then on Monday night, i was getting my clothes ready for work and I couldn't find a pair of trousers that I knew had been washed but were not in the pile with the rest of the clothes. I remembered seeing dp with them in her hand earlier so I asked her if she remembered where she put them. Dp was in bed at this point but not asleep. She said she had put them with the rest of the washing and was quite huffy.

I was a bit annoyed that dp was being unhelpful and went off to look for the trousers, finding them on the banister. When I told dp I thought she might say 'oh yes I remember I put them there' or something but instead she went off on a rant at me saying I should have looked for them, I shouldn't have 'expected her to get out of bed and look for them'. I didn't expect this at all! Only perhaps a little conversation about where they might be.

I pointed this out to dp and said very mildly that she hadn't been very helpful. At this point she became very angry and vegan telling me to shut the fuck up. I kept responding 'please don't swear at me, don't talk to mr like that' but she just kept saying shut the fuck up and fuck you etc. The last thing I said to her before going to sleep was 'I love you' (as I always do) to which she responded 'fuck off.'

We have made it up now but she has not apologized for swearing at me and says it was because I was having a go at her that she did it. I love her but hate the swearing and anger. Sorry this is long but does this sound normal to you?

Oh dear. To be honest I think there are elements of abuse in our relationship and have done for a while. I just so much want this to work out, I want dp to be happy and I feel that her anger can be explained if not excused by the fact that she had a terrible abusive childhood.

dolly

you CANNOT repeat CANNOT make excuses for someone else's violent behaviour.

I had an APPALLING childhood, things happened to me that would make your skin crawl. But I don't abuse my partner. instead i go to therapy and work on making myself a better person. it is a choice. She is not choosing to do that. and you can't do anything about that, it's her choice entirely.

You don't make someone happy by allowing them to abuse you. In fact by allowing that, you are letting them dig themselves deeper and deeper into rage and misery. the kindest thing to do for an abuser is to LEAVE THEM. for good.

You are in an incredibly precarious position here if you think you'll have a baby with her.

What about your little hypothetical child... how can a child interpret mummy's hatefulness as anything else but something that he, the child, deserves? He can't justify mummy's rage and tell himself that it's because mummy had a horrible childhood.

All that little soul knows is that his mummy hates him, that he is defective, that he makes her enraged and attracts abuse from her.

What is that child's life going to be like? seeing you take abuse, seeing you watch him take abuse and do nothing because "you want dp to be happy"...? come now. You need to get out of this situation. you are wasting your time, at the expense of your mental health.

when you explain something away,
that is the same as making an excuse

as long as there's an "explanation", you'll protect your P from the consequences of her abusive behaviour.
that is the same thing as making an excuse.

U said this happens once a month? Hormone related perhaps? But tbh I'd be really pissed off if I was in bed and being asked where trousers were, you are am adult so should sort yourself out.

Trousers or no trousers, this was an abusive way to treat a partner, and there's no excuse for it.

Some people think it's quite normal to verbally abuse their loved ones; my parents - especially my mum - were the types to shout "fuck you, fuck off" etc (it was horrible :(). I always knew it wasn't right, but I did once shoutily tell DH to fuck off during one of our first rows. He was really upset (quite rightly). I hadn't thought that much of it really, but he went off to work then rang me on the way and he was close to tears. He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me if I was going to treat him like that.
I got the message, apologised and now I try to keep my arguments constructive and respectful.
I like being in a relationship where we treat each other with mutual respect, it's better this way.

Dolly, it sounds like you've already tried really hard here :( I think you deserve better.

Dolly no one has the right to speak to you like that.
But
You asked your trying to sleep DP if she knew where they were, she told you where she thought they were. It should have stopped right there. Instead you continued it.

You were then huffy about her 'lack' of help
You then mentioned finding the trousers again as if wanting something (you didn't ask for anything but she clearly felt something was expected of her).
You then told her she was being unhelpful.

Don't be surprised if you didn't get the response you wanted, which tbh sounds like you DID want something more from her. That seems either entitled or needy in this circumstance. Can you honestly say that you were not expecting her to be irritated? Are you used to this role? If so, why did you continue to prod a sleeping cah DP? Something to think about in terms of the dynamics of your relationship.

Helen I don't agree with your interpretation. Dp was not nearly asleep, she was reading, and she didn't tell me aberrant thought the trousers were because the point was the rest of the washing was in the bedroom. She was not helping by trying to think where she had put the trousers which had been in her hand. It's more about the way she spoke though- she just kept saying 'I put them with the rest of the esdhing' even when it was clear that she hadn't. If she had even said 'I thought I had put them with the washing' or even 'can't remember, sorry' but she just kept insisting in an increasingly aggressive way that they were there.

I have more to add this morning ... Dp occasionally complains that I make 'sex noises' in my sleep. Might I add that I have never dreamt about sex as far as I can remember, bit even if I had, it's hardly something I can help! Anyway, last night dp woke me up to tell me I was making the noises again. I was grumpy at being woken(it was 1.30 and I get up at 5.30 for work) and asked her why she had woken me up. She replied 'I don't want to have to listen to you on your back making noises like an animal.' I was quite hurt by her tone but ignored it and said 'I never wake you up when you snore. There is no reason to wake someone who is sleeping unless it is serious.' she just didn't get it, kept saying 'I didn't want to listen to that' and was getting angry so I left it and tried to go back to sleep- managed it after a little while. The thing is, I wouldn't mind if dp had been disturbed and was trying to sleep, but she was drinking a cup of tea and watching tv!

Dolly
Without knowing the back story to this, I would have said that she was being very unreasonable. Knowing now that this behaviour is a regular occurrence, I would say that you should think long and hard about staying in this relationship.

No matter how irritating my husband is when he is searchign for something that is right under his blasted nose, I would never ever tell him to fuck off, let alone unleash such a tirade. I might mutter "FFS" under my breath the ways she spoke to you was aggressive and unacceptable.

I am also rather surprised at the responses on this thread. Abuse is abuse, whether it is from a man or a woman and if you had posted that your DH had reacted like that to an innocent question, you would have had links to Women's Aid and advise to leave the bastard.

No matter what childhood she had, she is an adult now and must take responsibility for her actions.

Sorry Helen- clearly not 'aberrant thought' but 'where she thought'.

So you had you walked past the trousers to get to the bedroom

You say this happens every month, could it be linked to her periods?

Yes, I had
And no, not linked to periods as DP has been through menopause.

You are not being treated kindly.
Everybody deserves to be treated kindly.
You are not being kind to yourself.

Why do you think you are allowing her to treat you like this?
You are worth so much better. Are you putting up with her because it is better than being alone? Because I really don't think, from reading your posts, that it can be.

Please make this the year that you are kind to yourself

Dolly I've read tge whole thread now and see there has been dv, have you seen this site?

Thanks loves- the violence stopped a long time ago so don't really want to go down that route.

Dolly I'm sorry but your DP sounds horrid. Borderline malicious. Why are you staying with someone who is so fundamentally nasty?

But the thing is, dolly, the violence in the past is still relevant in the overall dynamic of your relationship. You might have forgiven, she might be regretful(?), but it's still there - don't you always have it in the back of your mind that she could do it again? And now you have her verbal abuse and weird attitude to handle. She sounds full of resentment and anger.

Dolly sorry I got that wrong. I'm not aware of your back story here, but given what you have posted here I think you would have been in the 'wrong' whatever you had said. Waking you up for making noises? there is something very wrong with her attitude and behaviour.

She seems to think it's ok to treat you like this, and she won't change her behaviour unless she has to. Of course you could make a stand here, outline the consequences but tbh your relationship shouldn't be this hard. Perhaps time to re-think whether you want to be with her?

Dolly, this P of yours is VILE!

She IS abusing you. She won't change, she'll only get worse. Who gives a FF about her background? WTF has that got to do with the way she thinks she can treat you.

She doesn't hit you anymore, because she doesn't need to. PLEASE end this, and for the love of all things do NOT have a child with her.

Please listen.

Oh dear. I hoped that people might have some constructive ideas. Perhaps though in the back of my mind I know that what you are saying is true. Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed? I have left before, but we got back together.

That description of her waking you from your sleep -- how horrible. She is abusing you. Being woken from your sleep by a partner who then harangues you about something is abuse (and I accept that she wasn't asleep when you asked about the trousers so you were not abusing her). Her criticism of your alleged 'sex noises' must have been absolutely cutting.

She hates you.

Your first step is to start disengaging from her and to accept that it is over. There are practical things that need to be done to separate physically, but you need to accept deep down that your plans with this particular partner are not feasible.

Oh dear. I hoped that people might have some constructive ideas. Perhaps though in the back of my mind I know that what you are saying is true. Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed? I have left before, but we got back together.

The only constructive idea is to leave for good. Anything else you do is going to be destructive, because you'll be taking responsibility for her horrible behavior, which will simply make it easier for her to treat you badly in future because you will have shielded her from yet more consequences.

You can't stop someone from being hateful towards you, it has nothing to do with you, it's HER choice.

Let me put it this way... if your DSD came to you with this same dilemma, what "constructive" thing could you advise her to do? Really think about that. What would you say?

I'm picking up from your words that you think that leaving her is "destructive" and staying with her and "fixing" her is "constructive".

Can you see how that's actually not logical thinking? Because you can't fix her, and staying with her only gives her more opportunities to be horrible, which is destructive for both of you.

So leaving is actually the ONLY constructive action you can take.

She used to physically hurt you, but she only stopped because she realised that you would leave if she continued. So now she's using verbal abuse to get her kicks, since she knows you'll excuse it and never leave her no matter what she says to you.

She is getting just what she desires from this situation... a pass to injure you for her own gratification, with no danger of you ever opting out. How nice for her!

You are in great psychological danger

Please help, am feeling weepy after reading these responses combined with the 5 things I love about my dh thread. Have tried to think of 5 things about dp and have cone up with
I find her really attractive
When she holds me I feel wonderful
Sometimes she makes me laugh
She was quite supportive when my mum was ill last year
Have realised though I can't say that she loves me unconditionally, we can't talk about anything, she doesn't make me feel attractive, doesn't really say nice things to me and doesn't support me on the whole. Sad and shaky.

((((((Dolly)))))))

Some useless brackets for you. She does sound so awful you know.
You don't have to tolerate being verbally abused and treated like dirt. When she does these things she is showing you that she is not a loving or a kind person, and that she has little regard for your hurt feelings or need to be cherished. We ALL want to be cherished.

You really need to decide whether or not this relationship is going to be good for you in the long term. I personally think it won't. I think your self esteem and confidence is being battered to bits by this destructive and cruel person.

I really feel for you.