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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp gets v angry and swears at me

86 replies

dollydoops · 18/01/2012 07:48

My dp and I have just celebrated our seven year anniversary at the weekend. We had a lovely weekend, all lovey dovey etc etc. Was v happy. Then on Monday night, i was getting my clothes ready for work and I couldn't find a pair of trousers that I knew had been washed but were not in the pile with the rest of the clothes. I remembered seeing dp with them in her hand earlier so I asked her if she remembered where she put them. Dp was in bed at this point but not asleep. She said she had put them with the rest of the washing and was quite huffy.

I was a bit annoyed that dp was being unhelpful and went off to look for the trousers, finding them on the banister. When I told dp I thought she might say 'oh yes I remember I put them there' or something but instead she went off on a rant at me saying I should have looked for them, I shouldn't have 'expected her to get out of bed and look for them'. I didn't expect this at all! Only perhaps a little conversation about where they might be.

I pointed this out to dp and said very mildly that she hadn't been very helpful. At this point she became very angry and vegan telling me to shut the fuck up. I kept responding 'please don't swear at me, don't talk to mr like that' but she just kept saying shut the fuck up and fuck you etc. The last thing I said to her before going to sleep was 'I love you' (as I always do) to which she responded 'fuck off.'

We have made it up now but she has not apologized for swearing at me and says it was because I was having a go at her that she did it. I love her but hate the swearing and anger. Sorry this is long but does this sound normal to you?

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 18/01/2012 18:11

Dolly you need to look after your own damn trousers! But its worrying that she's so 'my way or the highway'. I am pretty shouty but its not something I try and cultivate. Have you got DCs? Because thats what really drives me to be less angry and sarcastic. No one wants to see their Mum or Dad shamed about some lost trousers or not being able to find keys.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2012 18:45

Dolly -- I think you should seriously start thinking of yourself as single. You are experiencing emotional abuse here.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2012 18:48

The middle of a fraught situation is not the time to bring up relationship issues in general, such as 'you need to change your behaviour towards me', but at the same time, you definitely have a point. If she isn't willing to sit down when the dust has cleared and discuss this sort of thing reasonably, see your pov and start to mend her ways (while you would also hear her out and see what you could do to function better as a partner) then you will be faced with a pretty start choice.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2012 18:48

stark not start

MmmPercyPigs · 18/01/2012 19:10

Dolly, I might have missed it, but did you say whether or not this is the first time that something like this has happened?

I am not sure it would be a deal breaker....some people deal very differently with anger (and lack of sleep) than others. I am not excusing her behaviour, she really should apologise, and then you need to talk about limits/expectations.

thrillahkillah · 18/01/2012 19:14

That is a horrible, horrible way to speak to your partner.

If DH said something like that to me I would be so so shocked and upset.

She is being emotionally abusive. I'm sorry, I don't buy this whole "well you know it's very irritating to be asked where someone else's clothes are" fgs, she told you to fuck off and showered you with expletives! All she needed to say was "I find it annoying that you're asking me, they're not my responsibility" or something. Not swear at you repeatedly. She has a problem and you don't deserve that kind of treatment.

If your partner was male, and you had asked him for something, and he had told you to fuck off, all the respondents here would likely tell you he was emotionally abusing you.

It's not OK that she seems to get a pass for being female and therefore automatically allowed to vent her rage on you for not being up to speed with domestic things.

She needs to get a grip. And you probably need to start thinking of leaving. She sounds like she feels extreme contempt for you.

TooEasilyTempted · 18/01/2012 19:24

The way she spoke to you was horrible and she should apologise.

But given the trousers were on the bannister and you presumably walked past them to go upstairs and into your bedroom but didn't notice them because they didn't jump out and bite you on the arse I'd have been pissed off if I was your DP too. I think when someone is as irritated as your DP clearly was the best thing you can do is walk away and raise your issue with her language the next day when she's calmed down and not trying to go to sleep, not stand there winding her up even more.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2012 20:07

Yes, Thrillah, I think there was contempt there too.

Rdoo · 18/01/2012 20:45

Those trying to excuse her behaviour should be ashamed of themselves. If a woman posted this about her dp the responses would be very different.

Ephiny · 18/01/2012 20:57

I was actually assuming dolly is a woman, but I could be wrong! Not that it should make any difference, it's not an acceptable way to speak to your partner, regardless of the genders involved.

TooEasilyTempted · 18/01/2012 20:58

I also assumed Dolly is a woman, in a relationship with a woman.

dollydoops · 18/01/2012 21:01

Yes, we are both women. And yes, it has happened before. About once a month I would say.

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 18/01/2012 21:03

I agree with Rdoo, am very shocked anyone thinks this is acceptable whatever the circumstances.

I have never and would never swear like that at my DH, and neither would he do that to me. We've been together 11 years. I might get irritated and huff and sigh and tell him to find his own stuff, but telling him to Fuck Off??? It's NOT normal or healthy.

Rdoo · 18/01/2012 21:11

Sorry Dolly, I didn't realise you were also a woman though it makes no difference and my point still stands. The way you were spoken to was not acceptable.

Vicky2011 · 18/01/2012 21:12

I have also read this thread thinking how different the responses would have been if your DP was male. I'm astonished that so many people appear to think being irritated about you asking about the trousers justified a tirade of verbal abuse. And just because your partner is not some 6ft 4 hairy bloke does not make it any less abusive.

dollydoops · 18/01/2012 21:53

How do you think I should tackle this with dp? I feel unsure about what to do but want us to work it out , if possible.

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 18/01/2012 22:11

How do you tackle it?

Get rid of the vile cow i'd say.

I'd like to say i'm astonished by some of the responses but sadly i'm not.

How dare you ask where something was. You more than deserved the abusive tirade you got back.

Seriously, is this woman really worth wasting your time on? Only you know the answer but i'd say not.

HoudiniHissy · 18/01/2012 22:13

If you want this to work out, there has to be NO repitition of what happened the other night.

But HERE'S the problem...

YOU can't make that happen.

YOU were not the one verbally abusing, you were the one on the receiving end.

IF your 'D'P can understand that ffing and blinding at you for little reason is unacceptable that that YOU WILL LEAVE unless she apologises AND stops, then and ONLY then will you 'work out'

UNLESS that happens, she won't and you won't.

Have a look at the links at the top of this topic and call the advice line.
They can support you in this in RL.

If you try and placate her, you will be enabling her behaviour.

My guess is that you will try to sit down with her and explain how hurt you were by her shouting at you and she will go ballistic and you will back down. Again.

In that case, you are in a DV situation right there and unless you realise that, you will waste valuable time with someone that will destroy your very soul.

Can someone kindly whistle up the adorable joblot? she got out of a similar relationship recently, she may have an angle/advice.

HoudiniHissy · 18/01/2012 22:13

sorry repetition Wine

dollydoops · 18/01/2012 22:17

No need to beat around the bush, you know, sparks Wink
You seriously think this is worth leaving over? What do others think? DP's 17 year old Dd and I get on well, are quite close and we were thinking of having a baby together (my baby) this year.

OP posts:
dollydoops · 18/01/2012 22:19

Sorry, that reads oddly. I mean that not only do I get on well with my dsd but dp and I were thinking of having a baby this year.

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 18/01/2012 22:23

"Have a look at the links at the top of this topic and call the advice line"

Whilst i'm sure you mean well. Really!?

Something of an overreaction i fear. There comes a point when people have to take responsibility for their own lives. She's verbally abused him, not physically beaten him.

The gentleman should get rid of her but it hardly needs deep thinking or the requirement of 3rd party agencies.

thrillahkillah · 18/01/2012 22:29

^ dolly is a woman -- who frankly sounds vulnerable and open to manipulation. she DOES need professional intervention.

OP -- why would you want to have a baby with someone who has such contempt for you?

Why would you expose a child to a situation where his own mother is treated with such contempt and hatefulness?

You cannot be seriously thinking of having a child with someone who verbally abuses you. What on earth would possess you to do such a thing?

thrillahkillah · 18/01/2012 22:32

What would happen when your child becomes the focus of swearing and rejection? Would that be OK, because you get on with your DSD?

You need to think very carefully about what you're accepting from this woman dolly. If she gets angry to the point of swearing at you about trousers, how is she going to cope with night feeds/PND/toddler discipline/etc?

Sparks1 · 18/01/2012 22:53

The advice is the same regardless of gender. Leave.

I pity any child that may result from this relationship.

And i seriously hope no agencies have their time wasted on this crap.

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