I'm not happy and feel generally uneasy

[Generalunease]

I've been with dh for nearly nine years and married for seven and a half of those. We've had our problems along the way but (due to me ignoring lots if things) we've generally done ok. However recently I feel really lonely and fed up and all the things I've buried and ignored are bothering me.

He has always been a difficult character in that he us very moody and prone to bouts of sullenness and sulking, the smallest thing can set him off for example I was on the phone once to a friend and our online grocery delivery arrived. She was upset so i carried on talking to her and he got the hump that I didn't help him and stormed out the house and drove to the shop to get some beer. At the weekend he went of on one because the Avon lady came and I asked him to answer the door and give her the money. I feel line I walk on eggshells with him.

The next issue is that he had an uneasy relationship with booze, I think he drinks too much and for the wrong reasons. It makes me uncomfortable but as I am not a big drinker I dont know if I'm making toouch of this?

Sex has been a problem for me in that I feel like we only ever have sex on his terms, when we first met he would freeze whenever I tried to try it on with him or try anything on him to the point now I only have sex when he instigates it and won't suggest any things to try as I don't like the rejection. My self esteem has been ruined as a result, he never kisses me or says he loves me or pays me compliments and he is only affectionate when he wants sex. I feel so unattractive.

Communication is dreadful, I can't discuss anything with him -literally. If I try and discuss something he finds difficult he'll walk away from me and refuse to discuss it whilst getting angry and defensive if I try and continue. I can't share my thoughts with him for fear if this rejection. When I had PND after DC2 he never asked if I was ok and how I was doing and when I had CBT for chronic anxiety he never once asked how it was going. We relocated here three years ago when DC2 was six months old and I had PND, I dealt with all the house moving stuff - estate agent, solicitor, removals etc. He didn't/couldn't do it and I felt so resentful that I had to do it all with a toddler and newborn. When I phoned him crying because our dreadful purchasers were being a pain he had a go at me and put the phone down on me, he called me two hours later drunk and expecting things to be ok.

I have been on anti depressants since the end of November for chronic anxiety, I feel so much better but now I reel Luke this I wonder how much of the anxiety is due to him or is it me?

I feel sad to think this is what the rest of my life be like and when my three children leave home what will I have left :(

I am feeling very overwhelmed by this thread and struggling to term DH as 'abusive'

It's hard, isn't it? Maybe the links at the top of this thread can help you mull things over. Your sister could also have some good insights, since she sounds like she had a similar experience, if you want to bonce ideas off her.

Your family set-up sounds identical to mine (with parents' genders switched). I also ended up in an abusive marriage. There is a better life out there, once the scales fall from your eyes. But that process is slow and painful.

Hi General, have just read your thread, sorry you are going through this.
I response to your last post I recognised my relationship with my ex used to go through cycles, of nice/not nice and me feeling happy or unhappy. Like your H my ex used to use sex as a means of control, would withhold it or want it when it was not possible, refuse me if I wanted it, he wouldn't look at me or kiss me when we did dtd either, there are other things but a little tmi!
I recognised he was controlling and like you that I had let him get away with many things as it was easier to let him get his own way.
I didn't realise he was abusing me with his behaviour and it was really only after joining here a while ago and reading threads like yours and the replies you have received that it clicked that he was emotionally abusing me.

Getting out was the best thing I did for both myself and dd.
It is so difficult when they are in the 'nice cycle' to see everything clearly as when they are being nice that is the relationship you want and need.
I wonder maybe if he is picking up on your unease with the situation.
I hope you will have a really good chat with your sister and see her take on the situation.

You know what a good marriage should feel like, your late husband sounds lovely. Take your life back and be happy like he wanted you too. x

'He again is in a great mood and helpful this morning, if it was like this most of the time things would be great.'

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's putting on the nice act because he senses your unhappiness. Don't get sucked in - he's still the same person and hasn't had a personality transplant overnight!

They all do this - I always thought my ex was generally nice but just had some ishoos and would go through periods of being 'stressed' which meant taking it out on me. As soon as he started being nice again I would forget about all the horrid stuff that had just gone on because I just wanted everything to be ok. But one day I just couldn't forget about the other stuff and the periods of niceness didn't cut it any more or make up for all the crap that he chose to put me through.

It is really hard to face what is really happening sometimes.

Have a look at this Mr Good/Mr Bad thing from the Freedom Programme and see if any of it fits your H.

Spent the evening with my sister having a catch up, told her my current thoughts and she wasn't particularly surprised as expected. Thought the individual counselling was a good idea and reiterated many of the thoughts/Comments on this thread.

I'm happy to hear that you have such a close source of emotional support.

Just read this thread and it made me cry too. You dont have to put up with this behaviour from your H. It sounds like your H is depressed/repressed and generally not in a good place. But that isnt your fault, nor your DC fault and you dont have to live like this.

Glad your sister is supportive. Form a plan for yourself and children.

You only get one shot at life, dont waste it with someone like him.

How are you feeling today?

Have just read this too..what a sad situation you are in General, my heart goes out to you. Wishing you strength X

I'm ok, thank you Malinkey. Just thinking things through and coasting for now, a bit apprehensive about the counselling session on Monday but hoping I will learn a lot from it and from that be able to make some sort of decision about the future.

My DSIS last night looked radiant, I felt quite envious! She has met a lovely new man who treats her well and for the first time in years she looks more chilled and confident.

Oh and I looked into the financial stuff and it looks like I would be ok and entitled to a number of benefits.

Plenty of us have been where you are now General. That's not to minimise it but I guess a lot who are posting are out the other side and relishing the bliss of being away from the agony.

Tick for the home life too re the original family. imo you and your (me and my) siblings don't end up hooked to an abusive relationship out of thin air: a precedent was set in our primary family, one way or another. We end up marrying what we know. It takes a long time to turn that particular ocean liner around and also doesn't go down well with people who are still in it and fiercely invested in keeping the shit covered over.

Tick also re the MH problems - anxiety, panic attacks, PND etc: a direct result of being in an abusive relationship (and a history of growing up in an abusive home). The word 'abusive' is obviously giving you problems General - ok, hold that for now, use another word. Dysfunctional? if that helps.

I hope you get some good support in counselling but I would suggest you need longer than 6 weeks - maybe start researching now for follow-on counselling. It takes a lot longer than 6 weeks to unravel the shit we were steeped in from childhood. Our parents may or may not have meant to peddle a family code that was shit but the fact is that it was - counselling will help you to come to terms with that dichotomy. Your sister is already 'out' - great, you're not being forced to pioneer breaking the shit-slide. HOwever, you do seem to have had the 'mad/unstable' label attached to you and will need a counsellor to support you through not only your recovery but skills to deal with your family.

As for your very damaged and damaging ex - my ex also had a terrible past but that wasn't my fault. I wasn't there and wouldn't have condoned it: it wasn't acceptable that I was being forced to pay the price of his terrible childhood. Why? Because he was unprepared to face it himself re do the work you are prepared to do to turn over painful stones, brave enough to look at the shit underneath. Until and unless he does that he will continue to find someone to hold his shit for him - but that doesn't have to be you, do you see that? And it certainly shouldn't be your children, who are already being forced to carry his shit for him. I'm sorry to be so blunt. The chances of them repeating the shit-pattern when they are adults is very high - as he has done, as you have done, as I did...

Someone has mentioned the Freedom Programme and I highly recommend you find a course near you - there are many throughout the UK. Womens Aid are also excellent for practical/legal and emotional support, second to none (if you can get through on their 24/7 helpline!) 0808 2000 247. They were fantastic when I was going through what you are going through. My husband was very rich and very powerful and had turned me into a very poor and powerless blob. If I can do it, anybody can. Don 't think WA is only for women who are being hit - far from it actually. They also won't force you to do/accept what you are not ready to do/accept.

I wish you the very best General - listen to that unease btw, it's there for a reason. Your sister has gone before you and is I hope an encouraging model for you.

sorry for long post!

Hi again, General, glad you confided in your sister and will hopefully have her support whatever you decide to do. Also looking into the financial side of things is a positive step.

I think you got a bit alarmed by people on here using the phrase 'abusive relationship', particularly when your H has been acting more helpful/kind recently, but don't lose sight of the main things you said in your first post, the things that made strangers feel like crying. You have said that you had major doubts before your wedding, and when pregnant with DC1, you've said that you were in tears on your honeymoon, that your H rejects you if you try to initiate sex; he has never helped you with any night wakings, but is angry if you can't keep the DC quiet; he is grumpy with the children; and he drinks more than you are comfortable with. It's quite a long list.

It sounds like he is also unhappy, maybe because you are essentially stronger than him? It seems like he pushes you to cope with everything - children, moving house, etc, and then maybe resents you for it. Whatever the reasons, it could be that, eventually, you would both be happier apart from each other. It's just working out how to get there .....

You're right I am freaked out by the abusive label, just seems so extreme. My DSIS said it took years for her to accept that (she read this thread btw :) ) but to me her situation was so much more clear cut. It appear denial is not just an Egyptian river...

General - as other posters have said, nobody would be happy in the situation you're in and it's totally understandable that you want to change things.

You mentioned earlier that you're worried about how you'd cope alone, given that you have issues with anxiety and depression. A couple of things strike me about that.

Firstly- and this seems to be something you're already weighing up- to what degree is your husband's behaviour a cause or contributory factor? I'm no mental health expert, but it comes across that the major source of your anxiety is your husband. That's not to minimise your worries about the possibility of separating, but it might well be that your anxiety issues become more manageable when you are not also having to walk on eggshells 24/7.

Secondly- you are already coping alone. You are already doing everything that keeps family and home life ticking over. And more than that- you are currently attempting to do it in complete silence.

His issues probably do stem from his own childhood, which sounds desperately sad- but that doesn't give him licence to cause the same degree of hurt to you and your children. You (and they) cannot atone for what your FIL did, and children cannot and must not be expected to carry the fallout for someone who is now a fully-grown man with his own responsibilities. I don't want to sound unsympathetic to the child that your husband was- but he's now putting his own children through the same misery. He is responsible for taking action to deal with his own issues- it's not right for you and your children to be punished for his childhood and made to suffer the same way.

Your sister sounds lovely- I'm sure you will be a wonderful support to one another.