I'm not happy and feel generally uneasy

[Generalunease]

I've been with dh for nearly nine years and married for seven and a half of those. We've had our problems along the way but (due to me ignoring lots if things) we've generally done ok. However recently I feel really lonely and fed up and all the things I've buried and ignored are bothering me.

He has always been a difficult character in that he us very moody and prone to bouts of sullenness and sulking, the smallest thing can set him off for example I was on the phone once to a friend and our online grocery delivery arrived. She was upset so i carried on talking to her and he got the hump that I didn't help him and stormed out the house and drove to the shop to get some beer. At the weekend he went of on one because the Avon lady came and I asked him to answer the door and give her the money. I feel line I walk on eggshells with him.

The next issue is that he had an uneasy relationship with booze, I think he drinks too much and for the wrong reasons. It makes me uncomfortable but as I am not a big drinker I dont know if I'm making toouch of this?

Sex has been a problem for me in that I feel like we only ever have sex on his terms, when we first met he would freeze whenever I tried to try it on with him or try anything on him to the point now I only have sex when he instigates it and won't suggest any things to try as I don't like the rejection. My self esteem has been ruined as a result, he never kisses me or says he loves me or pays me compliments and he is only affectionate when he wants sex. I feel so unattractive.

Communication is dreadful, I can't discuss anything with him -literally. If I try and discuss something he finds difficult he'll walk away from me and refuse to discuss it whilst getting angry and defensive if I try and continue. I can't share my thoughts with him for fear if this rejection. When I had PND after DC2 he never asked if I was ok and how I was doing and when I had CBT for chronic anxiety he never once asked how it was going. We relocated here three years ago when DC2 was six months old and I had PND, I dealt with all the house moving stuff - estate agent, solicitor, removals etc. He didn't/couldn't do it and I felt so resentful that I had to do it all with a toddler and newborn. When I phoned him crying because our dreadful purchasers were being a pain he had a go at me and put the phone down on me, he called me two hours later drunk and expecting things to be ok.

I have been on anti depressants since the end of November for chronic anxiety, I feel so much better but now I reel Luke this I wonder how much of the anxiety is due to him or is it me?

I feel sad to think this is what the rest of my life be like and when my three children leave home what will I have left :(

He sounds awful. I'd lose all of my self respect if I was with him. How dare he make you feel bad about seducing him on your honeymoon?

You were lucky to have a lovely first husband and I'm so sorry you lost him. Use him as a yardstick, though. You have had a good relationship, you know this one doesn't compare.

What would your options be if you did separate? Where would you want to live, if your house wasn't tenable because of the mortgage? What ages are your children? What sort of job did you do before? Would you want to go back to it or to retrain, maybe?

Oh General, I am in a goddawfully pissy, cantankerous and generally arsey mood today, but your thread has made me cry.

You are married to a carbon copy of the man was with until last february...

It won't get any better, you can't medicate or counsel all this away, you have to exorcise HIM from your lives. he will drag you all down.

the keeping your baby quiet for 3 hours? BEEN THERE.

Everyone on this thread: Do ANY of you understand how HARD that really IS to do? REALLY? It is immense. The strain of it is unbearable. The FEAR of any sudden noise and the resulting fall out from it indescribably excruciating.

That and that alone has triggered me, it has upset me more than anything.

Love, please, you can't fix this. It wasn't you that broke it. The sooner that you get your DC out of this and to a place where this guy is NOT, the better you will feel.

You have not failed your dear late-H. But he wanted you to be happy didn't he. And you are not. You owe it to you, to your children and to his memory to live to the very fullest, and happiest you can, for whatever time you all have left.

Grab onto that ONE thought and make the decision that will change your lives for the better. Start planning your escape from this today.

Please.

I also have been in your position .. in fact apart from the drinking I could have written your opening post!

One day it was fine to rollerskate in the livingroom and the next day he was shouting at DD .. I could see the confusion in her eyes .. and I was in the middle trying to make sure she behaved in a way acceptable to him .. whatever was acceptable that day!

I hope you get free of this abusive man and are able to be happier on your own .. it's early days for me but I plan to get there.. I hope you'll be joining me! :)

I am glad it is individual counselling you are pursuing

Do not do joint relationship counselling with this man

He is being nice today to make sure you STFU and stay wrong footed

The nice/nasty cycle is in full swing

Im really confused this evening, he is on good form and it makes me wonder if I'm imagining all this?? I've lost sight of what a 'normal' healthy relationship means, what is acceptable or not IYKWIM? I feel full of self doubt and wondering how someone like me (I've got an MA for god sake!) became so utterly stupid and such a doormat :(

Someone asked what my children think about him, they gravitate towards me and don't like to be left alone with him. He hates noise and struggles to cope with the normal noise levels that three children make. He's never looked after all three on his own.

You are all so lovely, clever and insightful. I'm in awe of you all and very grateful for the kindness of strangers right now, thank youfor listening to my ramblings.

General what he's doing is called gaslighting. Making you doubt your own sanity. You now have the hive rooting for you. Before you get out make sure you gather all your documents together. Don't forget, we are here for you.

look here for an explanation of how he is behaving, and continuing to control your emotions and your reactions

Your DH sounds like my father. We're all supposed to indulge him and tiptoe around him and 'calm him down' when he's stressed and tell him how wonderful he is at all other times. Anything to perpetuate the family myth that he's a wonderful father and husband.

He's not, he's a grumpy, childish, manipulative, controlling alcoholic.

Please be happy OP, leave this weird fucker to stew in his own grumpiness.

My father too, rhinestone (have we chatted before ?)

All through my childhood my father did the nice/nasty cycle with initially my mother, then with me then eventually (but less so) with my sister

the next day we were expected to forget all the unpleasantness and carry on as normal. I was a resentful child who refused to "play along", as opposed to my sis who was "sunnier" and more forgiving.

so he took against me from an early age, decided I was "arrogant" "supercilious" and that I "cramped his style"

I was a primary school aged child, ffs ! Apparently I even cried more when he held me as a baby (my radar was well tuned even at that age...)

my mother is still with him, I cannot respect her for that, she never put herself or her children first

he never hit her though...that was her "boundary" apparently. I used to wish he would hit her

he's used her as an emotional punchbag for years, and still she stayed

I reckon he has an unDx mental health disorder, but tbh the pair of them lost my good will and sympathy a long time ago

so, that is why you will always find me on these kinds of threads

I know the damage it does to growing children, that they are seeing this kind of behaviour as an example

my teen/early adult years will attest to that

"Passive-aggressive hostility is so subtle, the skilled practitioner is often in a good position to deny it?s even there ? blaming you for the inevitable confrontation that results. You blow up; he remains calm. Suddenly you seem like the aggressor."

Maybe look up about Passive aggressives? I did and was shocked the similarities to my ex-H ! If you really want to make your marriage work to this man it's important he recognises he has a problem and gets help sooner rather than later.
Good luck

Wow AF, I think you could be me. (Don't think we've chatted before about this specifically, no.) My family set up was EXACTLY the same, I was the one who refused to play along and my younger sister was 'daddy's girl'. And my brother and youngest sister indulge him too.

Apparently he first decided that I was 'difficult' and 'stroppy' when I was about 3 yrs old because I didn't want to kiss him goodbye when he went to work. Yep, I've always had good radar too.

I can remember being told by my mother when I was about 8 that if he had a heart attack it would be my fault because I was so horrible to him and made him stressed. I was 8 FFS!

OP, sorry for thread hijack but hopefully you can see from our hijack that a father like this will have a MASSIVE negative impact on your DC and they'll never forget their childhood experiences.

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for you

You say you don't think your can cope alone due to your anxiety but what if he's the cause?

I suffered panic attacks when I was with my ex, after leaving him, some counseling and ADs I haven't had them since (going on 17 years).

I seriously think you should consider a way to make your life work without him. Give him an ultimatum that it's Relate or you separate.

Good luck.

Give him an ultimatum that it's Relate or you separate.

No. Relate is a terrible idea with an abusive man. The ultimatum, whether spoken or not, should be : "I'm leaving. You can change your behaviour in your own time, if you so choose." And mean it.

I am worried about the subtle/overt messages my children are getting, DH is the product of a critical, bullying and aggressive father. Both him and his brother, and mother, walk on egg shells around FIL and do anything not to upset him. My sisters' husband had a bullying, controlling father and he turned out the same way. I'd be devastated if my DS behaved like this towards his family and equally I'd be devastated if my DD's ended in a relationship like that.

However I am really scared to light the torch paper and break up our family, I don't think I would get much support from family (I would from my sister but she has always been unsure of him) and would be subject to endless rounds of questioning and trying to defend myself. The wider family view me as difficult and mentally unstable due to my depression/panic attacks/anxiety issues.

I read this on a website and cried: "And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."

I think you are a brilliant and insightful woman, general, and that you are well on your way to working out how you got to where you are now, and what you need to do about it.

Just wanted to say, General, having read the full thread - please, please believe in yourself: your radar was right all along. You had doubts before your wedding. You had doubts when you were pregnant with DC1. You have known all along that this man does not make you happy, this man is making you and your children unhappy, he is also eroding your confidence and making you ill. Please believe that removing yourself and your children from this unhappy marriage is a positive thing to try to do, not a failure. You sound like a strong, capable woman, and you deserve to be happy. Just believe in yourself.

Hello again General. Read and re-read the last paragraph of your post of 11.15. Then tell him either to get out or change and mean it.

BTW my dad and step mother bullied me both physically and mentally, continuing even after I left home, and I haven't turned out like them. Thank fuck. They were horrible.

I am not my father either

But my teenage/early adulthood was fucked up by the lessons I learned as a child < draws a veil carefully over that >

General it is not your fault

it would be wrong to stay in abusive marriage because you are frightened what other might think

are they living your life ?

*others

"I don't think I would get much support from family (I would from my sister but she has always been unsure of him) and would be subject to endless rounds of questioning and trying to defend myself. The wider family view me as difficult and mentally unstable due to my depression/panic attacks/anxiety issues"

Your family don't sound very supportive so I would take them out of the equation - apart from your sister if you think she would be helpful. You have no need to defend yourself from anyone. Depression/panic attacks/anxiety issues are a perfectly normal (though not always especially helpful!) reaction to extreme prolonged stress.

Can you see anything in your upbringing (apart from a supremely unsupportive family) that might explain why you and your sister have both been in abusive relationships? I can see now that my family set up has certainly been at the root of my previous disastrous relationships and I can see the same theme in my sister's relationships. We grew up in an atmosphere of denial - we weren't allowed to discuss the way my mother behaved and like AF we were supposed to get over her outbursts towards my father and ourselves and act like nothing had happened later on. I'm sure that growing up like this predisposes you to deny what's really going on in your own relationship and pretend like everything's ok when it really isn't. This might not apply to you of course but just a thought.

I am not my mother - thank God!

Where do you live op?

I reckon your H will get quite vindictive when you leave him. Which you will. But in the maentime start the exit strategy: plan. Counselling sessions are a good idea. Burt also start sorting out where you stand financially, where are passports, where are important papers etc - birth certificates, account and savings details etc if you have any.

If you don't have on then set up an account in your sole name and make sure any tax credits and chb go into your sole account.

You are as strong as an ox. Only when you have begun the journey towards getting out of this miserable and lonely partnership, and out into the light, will your great strength seep into you!

Just imagine: you and me could be going to a bit family pub on a sunny day and the kids munching crisps and tearing about the place making a racket, then we could play French cricket in our knickers and drink a bit of fizz while the children make pizzas together and put sticky fingers everywhere and play sardines.

Bin this idiot. I always have room in my house here in Devon if you need a bolt hole.

actually, I don't mean 'leave him' as in leave the house. i mean split up really. Which you will. start organising practicalities and emotions (through counselling) for when this happens. because sure as eggs is eggs he won't take it lying down!

Oh, and your post-git life will eventually blossom and you can make advances towards a nice victoria sponge and get less rejection.

Again so many questions, I am feeling very overwhelmed by this thread and struggling to term DH as 'abusive' :( He again is in a great mood and helpful this morning, if it was like this most of the time things would be great. I still feel confused

With regards to my upbringing I come from a family of high expectations and perfectionism so always feel not quite good enough, both DSIS and I have self esteem issues and a need to please so I guess we are easy fodder for a passive aggressive man? We are not good at confrontation so take the easy road as that is easier. We had a very cold mother and a dominating father.

UnlikelyAmazonian you are very sweet and that afternoon out sounds perfect, I'm also in the SouthWest but not in Devon :)