What women want from a relationship: the definitive Mumsnet list?

[GeraldineMumsnet]

We're putting together some Relationships content based on issues that recur in this Talk topic. We thought a print-it-out-and-pin-it-on-the-fridge type list of what you want from a relationship would be useful and interesting - and possibly surprising for your other half!

So what do you need from your 'significant other' in order to feel content with your relationship? Please share...

Thank you.

oh - and of course a first class, hands on, loving father. That goes without saying.

@whomovedmyblackberry

Nice thread but not sure about the idea of a wish list for the fridge etc. the cynical side of me thinks mnhq have a PR exercise in mind to drum up press coverage?

Hello, just been reading through the posts. We started this thread because we thought it would make great permanent content on the site.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. 'Preciate it :)

It is a good thread and sorry if I was cynical.

I can see it in the Daily Mail though

A listener

It's a fab reminder/resource for those of us that have never seen/had a 'normal' relationship.

I LOVE WannaBeMegMarch's post. I found it totally moving and inspirational.

"Its what I want from every significant relationship- respect that I am an adult human being with wonderful experience of life; to listen to my point of view and be able to articulate your own without either needed to dominate; to be capable of receiving love in all its forms and give it back in multitudes too
A person who understands that in life we all have days when we are net givers to humanity and days when we are net takers; can be a tree I can lean on when life is blowing me off my feet and who takes my hand when I hold it out to help you.
I want to be able to wake up early, and enjoy the dawn alone with my cup of tea and I want to lie in bed late snuggling.
I want to stay in to watch Panorama and discuss the contents; and I want to go out to the cinema; and I want to be entranced and uplifted by the beauty of a musical recital and have you sit with me through it all. And I will learn an appreciation of what stirs you.
I want a person who stimulates and challenges; and introduces a new way of looking at the world; but shares my values. Someone who speaks and understands the language of a look, or a shift of the body or an unconcious gesture that leaks out what I feel.

And I want someone who, when the end comes, I can look at and who will see the me as the sum of all the good I did in the world and who will offer a true and heartfelt eulogy of what I achieved; who will hold my hand when the fear fills my nostrils and eyes and who I will believe when they tell me 'it will be ok'. Someone to whom I can entrust the libraries of my mind in the hope that not all of me will be extinguished.
Someone who when offered all of this realises that this is special; that a companion who gives and receives all of this is a treasure to be polished and appreciated."

THIS ^^ IS WHAT I'LL BE AIMING FOR FOR MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP(S)

This will be printed off and will be on my fridge!

Thanks Houdini...I think I misjudged the levity of the thread; but I come to Relationships to talk to people who like me have seen the wrong end of it all. Thats my heart on a page.

It shows love, and it's beautiful! Thank you!

I wanted, I held out, and I have:
A soulmate who is my best friend, partner, confidant, ally, equal. Someone with whom I spark. It's all about the connexion.
It's important to me that my OH takes good care of his health, is environmentally responsible and is compassionate to all creatures; that to me really means someone vegan. So, similar ethics, I suppose. Not a pet-owner. Non-smoker. Someone who doesn't drink to get drunk - just not my scene. Someone who keeps himself as fit as he can.
A hands-on father. Same ideas about child-raising. (I wanted to be a SAHM, DH supports this whole-heartedly. I want to home-educate, DH agrees completely. We want to take them travelling all over the world. Follow an AP style, more than not - that kind of thing.)
A guy I can go out exploring with, stay IN exploring with, a boy with a sense of adventure and fun and mischief, someone equally comfortable and at ease doing nothing much. A man who enjoys his way round a dancefloor. Someone down-to-earth. Someone romantic and sweet and charming and magical.
A man who respects women as equals, as humans, and not as commodities.
All the usual things apply - GSOH (good salary, own home), ok, similar sense of humour/wit.
Someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, wants to make me happy, someone who 'gets' me.
A man with a rightful sense of his priorities, who's as good as his word, polite, sincere, someone independent, interdependent, trusting, trustworthy, honest, open, adorable, eloquent, ticklish, with nice teeth, who is happy, thoughtful, clean, fit, energetic, spontaneous AND capable of organising things, bright, cute, cheeky, gentle, sexy, respectful, sensual, financially responsible, content AND ambitious (but not to the extreme), challenging (in a good way!), someone who can take charge, and who is happy to let go and follow.
Someone comfortable in his skin, attractive in his way, confident but not arrogant, well-turned out when he needs to be, with a glint in his eye, a nice smile, warm hands, and a big ... heart.
Someone to build a happy/secure future with.
Someone who is going to open my eyes and my mind and my body to new things, teach me stuff, try the things I like if he isn't already into them.
Someone dreamy, friendly, accepting, practical, idealistic, optimistic, passionate, articulate, enthusiastic, expressive, in touch with their emotions, in tune with others', tactile, strong, stable, secure, smart, sharp, soft, sassy, feisty, flexible, loving, tender, playful, affectionate, generous, kind, considerate, caring, well-disciplined, easy-going.

DH is all these things and more.

TopHun- Do you have all those traits as well?
I'm a man (and not gay) and I think I'd marry him.

I don't think it's that many wonderful traits, it just looks a lot when set down all in one go all together, but I bet loads of people could tick boxes that describe their partners in those complimentary terms. You don't usually discuss most of the positive aspects of yourself/ partner/ friend all in one go, so it just looks loads when all together IYSWIM.

If you had a list of adjectives, activities and character traits, I bet you could tick a whole lot more. (And I bet you could also tick loads of negatives which would look dreadful on the page, but when spaced out over time amid all the positives, are actually perfectly bearable.)

@whomovedmyblackberry

It is a good thread and sorry if I was cynical.

I can see it in the Daily Mail though

Imitation is sincerest form of flattery and all that

Crystals, no pressure, DH is just himself, and effortlessly is those things I was looking for.

Youllbewaiting, yes, I believe I do. I don't expect any more from my partner than I can give back.
Anyway, hands off, he's mine! :)

Basil, quite.

I meant to also say I think a similar outlook on finances is important too, certainly makes life easier if you both agree on how much to save vs spend. And a similar outlook on enjoying life while you can vs saving for a rainy day, and delayed gratification.

Jesus some of you dont want much do you!

Be interesting to see a similar list made by men!

Go off and do one in Dadsnet Maleview.

I'm sure we'll all be fascinated.

To share my moral principles
To keep himself healthy both in body and spirit
To support me emotionally and in my choices
To be educated

And some of us dont want much. Just someone to love me, accept me for who i am and not expect me to change and to love my son as much as they do me. We are a package deal, cant have one without the other. Honesty too. But not much especially as most people on here either want to have children or already have them!

I think this thread is a riduculous idea. It makes me cringe.

Firstly because 'what women want' implies that women are a monolithic entity that will all want the same things, rather than individuals. It is the essentialist view, woman defined by biology.

It also seems to imply the same thing about relationships... as though the person you have a relationship with is insignificant in themselves, it's just what you want out of any relationship.

Secondly, the question plays into all the old gender stereotypes - 'put the list on the fridge and you never know your luck girlies the god man in your life might just happen to glance at it'. Of course the fact that it's the fridge (as a domestic appliance) also is consistent with the gender stereotype of the female realm being home and kitchen.

The question itself also positions women as being the 'wanting' ones in a relationship.... gives us all something to nag him about I suppose.

Does it have to be a question that perpetuates all the myths of the gender wars? Do women have to want something different from men in a relationship?

There are billions of people in the world, when two of them come together surely what they want from each other should have something to do with the characteristics of the unique individuals that they are.

Here MNHQ have one of these

Way to suck all the fun out of a thread pickgo.

It's a good thing to have high standards and if it makes some women realise that men can have all these attributes and more then perhaps they'll stop settling for a sub standard partner because, you know, they're only men , they can't help themselves, the poor, testosterone driven fools.

love, trust, always to be there for you and put you first, work hard both at home and in a job, be baby crazy so when you have kids wants to do everything with them (thats how you get a man who does everything at home imo), great sex, attractive, best friends, have lots of common interests and just generally love being in each others company.

Dont need a list though already got this man and it didnt take any effort or changing the person

Good post Pickgo. 'What women want ...' reminds me of that crap Mel Gibson film. 'What people want from a relationship' might not be such a step back in time.