Where to start. I don't know what to do about the arguments between DH & I any more. There is nothing horrific as with some of the awful stories you read on this board; no abuse or affairs or anything like that, but I am heartily sick and tired of the way he speaks to me sometimes. He is brusque, flippant, and often downright rude. When I bring it up, in as considered and thoughtful a manner as I can, it ends up in an argument despite my best efforts, and we don't talk for 2 or 3 days sometimes. I feel that he has issues with anger and takes it out on me and sometimes the DC, in over-the-top reactions.
I'm well aware that this is "small fry" for this board but am hoping someone might have some words of wisdom ...? The problem is that a lot of his attitude/tone of voice is just so subtle. It's hard to pin down, and it mostly happens during the day when we're with the DC or other people, so I can't exactly pull him up on it then. Then by the evening, when we're alone, it's hard to remember/describe exactly what it was about his manner hours and hours earlier that annoyed me. I feel as if the only way to get across to him how he is, would be to film him and show him later!
He has this compulsion to attribute blame to someone - frequently me as I'm usually nearby - when there quite often really isn't anyone to blame, or when to blame someone is counterproductive and he should just be focusing on fixing the situation. E.g. when DD chipped her tooth at the funfair recently, the first thing he said when he brought her to me was "THEY'VE broken her tooth!" - i.e. by implication he meant the owners/operators of the fair. Is this not a bit odd? Would most people not simply say "She's broken her tooth", realising that there was not much that could be done about it; she herself had desperately wanted to go on, and although he and I felt awful about it, it really wasn't anyone's FAULT!
He didn't have the best childhood - parents had many many screaming-abuse-type arguments which he had to listen to - there was no attempt made to protect him from hearing stuff - and they're now divorced. We regrettably felt we had to cut his father out of our lives about two years ago, and he has numerous longstanding problems/conflicts with his mother, who can be a tricky person to deal with, but is a good grandmother to our DC. I feel a lot of his anger must inevitably stem from all this. But he refuses to give counselling a try - even online, which I tried once and found helpful.
He says that he's become a lot less angry/more tolerant and peaceful since he's been with me (14 years) which is probably true I suppose, but I feel he's kind of got a ways to go! I, on the other hand, am not happy with the way I've changed since I've been with him - before I met him I never lost my temper, was rarely irritable, but now I have these horrible attributes coming out at times, and although I take full responsibility for my own behaviour, it's hard not to retaliate with like for like, when he's talking back to me or whatever. I can't just stay quiet and brush all these things under the carpet to keep the peace - I think "why the hell should I? Why should he get away with talking to me like that?" but every time I bring something up it causes an argument. I feel like we're like two children in a school playground sometimes.
For his part, he feels that I'm always "attacking" him, and "pointing out his inadequacies"; things like that. I just see it as bringing up things that bother me, and I honestly don't think I do "have a go at him" - from long experience, I really try and choose my words carefully, but things still seem to implode when I bring anything up.
Sorry for the monumental length ...