What would you make of this???

[scatterboxgirl1]

I have just discovered my partner has set up a profile of me on a well known and respected dating site (not a no strings one) with a photo of me and has been sending messages to men and replying to messages that men have sent as me. His reason being that he gets a thrill out of other men finding me attractive. He said he was inquisitive and accepts that he has crossed the boundary of acceptable behaviour. I can accept that, however the nature of this messages that he has been sending to these guys are extremely explicit and quite honestly make me look like a slag. I am bloody furious and also must add that he posted a couple of naked photos of me on the site which they removed as it didn't meet with their photo guidelines. What on earth would you do about this. We have children and I have recently given birth to our 3rd child.

I just check the computer and his phone when I feel like it now. Since I discovered this I have seen the internet history on his phone on safari and google. Nothing has been deleted. In addition to this he rarely touches the laptop which is kept in our bedroom. He isn't on the internet at night, always comes to bed with me and doesn't take his phone into the bathroom when he showers etc. I have all the passwords to his e-mails, facebook etc, none of which he hides from me. All of which would be indicators of something he is trying to hide.

I do feel very uneasy about how you just get the urge to set up a profile and do what he's done without there being something behind it though.

Your last post seems a little contradictory, because he evidently used the internet on frequent occasions in order to set up your profile and read the responses.

I'm assuming you've got private browsing, so unsurprisingly, the internet history will tell you nothing. If his workplace has poor internet controls, it is also possible he views material when there. It's also not been unknown for people to secretly keep separate devices (tablets, phones) specifically for activities their partners wouldn't like.

The reasons I think porn is a feature is because cuckold fantasies have been commonplace in porn since before the internet, together with all the evidence that people with porn addictions that are kept from their partners, usually need more extreme scenarios in order to get the 'high' they achieved when they first started browsing. It is startlingly common for users to find that this affects their judgement of what is ethical or acceptable and this spills over into their real lives.

In situations like this I think you have to judge what's most likely, since at the moment he will not tell you, which is another term for lying.

Is it more likely that various behaviours and thought processes led up to this, or that he is an amazing man who'd never shown any signs of disrespect for boundaries before and had an inexplicable, totally isolated brainstorm?

Charbon, I totally get what you're saying. The only access he has to the internet at work is on the phone. I am certain that this is the only access to the web he has throughout the day. I can't see that he has any other means like a phone or tablet that I don't know about. Believe me, I have looked!!

I also understand that people with porn addictions will need the more extreme scenarios which you refer to and that is what bothers me. We all have fantasies that we may or may not share with our partners, but they usually stay that way. I do believe that in this case his fantasy is for me to have sex with another man while he watches. But what he clearly hasn't realised is there is a massive difference between imagining it and then going to these lengths to fulfill it or get his thrill from the idea by putting me on the site as w*nk fodder . The reality of it is an entirely different matter.

I will be really interested to know what the therapist will suggest and in deed whether he will be able to delve much deeper into my partners head. If this is some form of an addiction then I am worried that he will go to much greater lengths to hide his behaviour and tell the therapist and I what we want to hear as opposed to the truth.

How would a porn addiction be worse than what you know for a fact he has actually done?

He has completely violated and disrespected you.

Counselling can't fix that.

I don't think counselling will fix this either, especially not joint therapy. I think it's being used by scatterbox's partner as a sticking plaster and a sop.

Does he think he needs counselling then, to understand why he did this? Does he think there might be deeper reasons other than he's given - a cuckold voyeur fantasy and curiosity/intrigue that snowballed, but only stopped when you found out?

I think I'd be asking him what he sees as the objective for the counselling. Is it to delve deeper into the recesses of his mind because he's not convinced he really knows why he did this (in which case he should go alone), or is it to persuade you that this is just a blip that you can forgive him for? What if the counsellor is like the Health Visitor, who clearly comes from the 'men will be men' school of thought?

Relate marriage counselling sessions may be therapeutic for some but they are not certainly not 'therapy' in the accepted sense of the word.

I would suggest that you attend a couple of sessions purely to see whether he articulates what he's done without prompting and whether he attempts to mitigate his actions or fully accepts that he's overstepped the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

If you subsequently feel that he needs individual therapy ask him to make a appointment with is GP for a referral for assessment by psychologist/psychiatrist.

We aren't seeing someone from relate. We are going to see a sexual and relationship therapist, found from the CORST website that someone kindly recommended on here. He has spoken to the therapist today on the phone and given a brief outline of the issues as he was asked to give some indication as to the nature of the problem.

I am in two minds really. Part of me thinks that this maybe the tip of an iceburg, that he really does have a porn / sexual addiction and that there is no resolving this.

The other part of me thinks this could simply be a case of him taking this to the extreme, without thinking of the consequences and damage he was likely to cause. An insensitive and downright stupid bloody thing to do. Selfish and idiotic!

The trouble is I am not so sure I will ever really get to the bottom of it, even with a therapist involvement. I'm not convinced either that you can ever really come back a betrayal of this kind. I suppose only time will tell!