What would you make of this???

[scatterboxgirl1]

I have just discovered my partner has set up a profile of me on a well known and respected dating site (not a no strings one) with a photo of me and has been sending messages to men and replying to messages that men have sent as me. His reason being that he gets a thrill out of other men finding me attractive. He said he was inquisitive and accepts that he has crossed the boundary of acceptable behaviour. I can accept that, however the nature of this messages that he has been sending to these guys are extremely explicit and quite honestly make me look like a slag. I am bloody furious and also must add that he posted a couple of naked photos of me on the site which they removed as it didn't meet with their photo guidelines. What on earth would you do about this. We have children and I have recently given birth to our 3rd child.

Well he is due home soon and I am dreading it. I really don't know what to do. Life is so hard right now as I almost lost my mother 6 weeks ago. She has been on life support and is now battling another potentially fatal problem. I would normally tell her everything as we are very close and I now feel lost. I feel ill and think I am just going to go to bed.

He has made your life infinitely harder

I know what I would do (in the very short term)

I would leave the kids with him, and go and talk to your mum

Try here OP - might be more specialist than Relate in dealing with sexual issues out of the "norm".

Good luck with whatever you decide. Personally I think I might take some legal advice/have a quiet word with Police as I think you need to protect yourself.

This is one of the most shocking things I have ever come across on MN!

I could not forgive this, personally. And I also, am wondering how it is you found out about this....

His reason being that he gets a thrill out of other men finding me attractive

I can't get over this. The more I think about the worse it seems. He has put you through all this, potentially ended your relationship, certainly destroyed your trust, and so much more, all for . . . a thrill .

Does he really realise what he has done do you think? Does he actually think of you as his property, to display in front of other men to try and tempt them? I really can't understand what's going on in his head.

Sorry, I'm no help to you I'm afraid, except to validate your feelings. I too think that if you could talk to your mum, or just cry on her shoulder, you may find some comfort.

I can't talk to my mum. She is in critical care in hospital and can barely breath. I wouldn't dream of putting this on my mum right now, she couldn't cope. I'm going to make him read this as you have confirmed eveything I have said to him already.

I didn't mean you should spill all this to your mum. I meant that you could simply go and see her. Get away from him and his poisonous view of what it means to be in a respectful relationship.

Chat to your mum about anything.

A trusted friend ? Another family member ? You need some support, love

He has absolutely NO respect for you. I would kick his sad arse to the kerb, the fucking creep (sorry for getting all Rikki Lake). Sorry. I am not a 'Leave the bastard' poster normally - I believe many relationship problems, including sexual issues, can be worked on - but this is just fucking outrageous! How can you come back from that? How can you ever respect or trust him again?

He has used you as wank fodder for God knows how many other creepy, anonymous, seedy men on the internet, FFS. VILE. I would report him to the police, to be quite honest. If a stranger did this you would, wouldnt you? Course you bloody would.

I'd have a very good trawl through his history and see what else he has been doing. This is very disturbing, and ultimately a massive betrayal on many levels. Bear in mind also, that if he has been involved in anything illegal using your profile you would be prosecuted.

How very 'Readers Wives'.

He has used you as a thing for his gratification, hasn't he? How demeaning.

Oh, you should also check to ensure that he has not put you at risk.

Posting naked pictures of you, making it clear you are sexually available - I don't want to use your word 'slag', because that's really not a way to talk about a woman.

But supposing you are traceable? Has he considered what could happen? Or what if someone you know uses these sites - what on earth will they think of you now?

Not only has he treated you with contempt but his actions have the potential to harm you.

I can't believe a man you love and trust would do something like this - what else is he capable of?

I am not a 'leave the b*stard' type, but I would have potential concerns for your future, and would be seeking some sort of support. It may be worth seeing your GP as having recently lost your mum, you must be in a bad place anyway.

Not nice to say this, but I would also have concerns for your children...what if they had seen the stuff? What if the dad of one of their school friends had seen it? The conseqences of his actions are potentially huge and no apology would make amends in my book.

The photos he has posted could be saved onto other people's PCs and thus are now in the public domain, able to be shared worldwide.

Be strong, and tell him to go.

I think the OP seems to be doing exactly the right thing in making herself heard and demanding he see this feedback. I think what's vital here, is the relationship can go on, is that he see and acknowledge that his actions have been incredibly disrespectful, immoral, cruel and even a bit dangerous. If he can concede that, explain that his impulses were what they were (a thrill, power, control, sexual gratification) maybe they can move forward. Also, embarrassing him by telling other people (his friends or whoever) can really help open up something like this, and reveal to the OP that it is not she that should feel dirty or ashamed at all, but HIM.

I think the most important thing is that he convince the OP he's sorry and he understands.

Because, to my mind, this is not one of the most shocking things I've read on MN, and to me, I can very much guess what was going on inside his stupid head. For me, this would not be in the same league as a long term affair or similar real world betrayal. It's puerile, stupid and humiliating, and could have impacted her life in a totally horrible way, but he might not have thought it through as he should have (which is pretty bloody cold and/or dumb).

I'm not trying to 'normalise' it. But I think some of the voices here are sounding like maybe he did this is cold blood, in a psychotic, incomprehensible pre-meditated act. That may be the case, only the OP can say, but I really doubt it. Sounds to me much much more like a case of a man playing at having the sexual allure of 'his' attractive woman for a while, enjoying the power and control that men sometimes feel they lack in sexual and dating scenarios, and doing something utterly nasty and wrong in a 'virtual' world whenever he gets 'spunk-drunk'. Dreadful, selfish and infantile. For me, enough to warrant a huge relationship crisis, counselling but not police action and/or divorce.

If he can't see her point of view about her photos, her sexuality, her very self being made available sexually online without her permission, he has real problems with empathy and respect and I would then suggest the OP reassess her view and relationship.

OP, this sounds like a horrendous situation, - I can't imagine what you must be going through. I hope you have someone in RL who you feel you can confide in for support.

I don't want to be a panic-merchant, but I would think it would be unlikely that this was the first thing he's ever done like that, - I can imagine that he may have been 'working up' to it for quite some time. It seems unlikely that the first time he ever decided to do something like this he would go all-out (profile, naked pics, chatting to other men etc) without having spent months or years doing similar, less drastic, things, - chatrooms, profiles without pics, responding to other people's ads, that sort of thing.

How did you find out about this? Did he tell you, or did you stumble on it? Apologies if you've already answered this question.

gosh, tessa, i hadn't really considered someone might have forced his fingers onto the keyboard

or perhaps, aliens made him do it

he did it because he could

trying to find other reasons just excuses it

there is no excuse

What a mindboggling, insulting thing to do.

He's shown a complete lack of respect for you and has invaded your privacy and dignity. Presumably anyone can view these pictures?

As others have said, I would also be wondering if there are other secrets he's been hiding.

I think this is an illegal act. He obviously doesn't respect you at all. He has serious issues. in my mind he wants you to sexually experiment with others.

There is also the risk that somebody you know in reality has seen your profile. I'd be wondering what else he has done before this that you do not know about. I'd go to the STD clinic for a check up.

I'm so sorry for you OP and i feel there must be more to this story in terms of how you both communicate.

Are you blaming yourself, asking yourself what you could have done to prevent this or what you can do better/differently in the future?

Tell him the only way forward is Relate counselling to try and rebuild trust if you truly ewant the relationship to survive

If he refuses..THERE IS MORE HE IS HIDING..no matter his pathetic excuses x

Always come back here for advice, I for one will support you, you deserve better.

so sorry. i agree that relate is essential if you're to move on at all.

I've also read far, far more shocking threads on Mumsnet Relationship boards over years :(

So sorry op, this is the worst kind of betrayal.

I would kick him out if I were you, and sue him for libel.

I would also be scared that he has not angered some men who think they are having an online fling with "you", and the repercussions this may have on your children if they try to seek you out. I dont think you are safe.

It is very clear that he appears to neither love nor respect you. He must see you as his possession to do with as he pleases. Only a truly sick mind can do something like this.
Is this the role model you want for your children?

Going , I am sure the OP doesn't care if you have watched live beheadings on Mumsnet !

This is her life you are measuring against other "more shocking" threads

Tis your opinion of what i meant in my post Any Fucker, you're perfectly entitled :)

Lordy...I recently read a book where the plot hinged on something similar happening...I dismissed it as being fantastical and not something likely to happen in real life.

He has taken advantage of you in a really unpleasant way. If he knows he has overstepped the mark and is prepared to do counselling, that's a start, but he must have known at the time he was crossing a line into some really nasty, unacceptable territory - and that should have been the point, you'd hope, he would stop...

OP i was simply commenting on the fact i agree with another poster i have read far more shocking posts. I am not implying that your situation is any less or worst.

I hope you do not see my 1st reply to you as ingeuine in anyway :)

I really meant every word, good luck to you.

I've thought about my wording very carefully, but this is mental / psychological rape, I can't think of anything else to describe it, it's total violation by someone who is supposed to love you.

The implications of any potential repercussions are horrendous and very frightening.
It's unforgivable.