What would you make of this???

[scatterboxgirl1]

I have just discovered my partner has set up a profile of me on a well known and respected dating site (not a no strings one) with a photo of me and has been sending messages to men and replying to messages that men have sent as me. His reason being that he gets a thrill out of other men finding me attractive. He said he was inquisitive and accepts that he has crossed the boundary of acceptable behaviour. I can accept that, however the nature of this messages that he has been sending to these guys are extremely explicit and quite honestly make me look like a slag. I am bloody furious and also must add that he posted a couple of naked photos of me on the site which they removed as it didn't meet with their photo guidelines. What on earth would you do about this. We have children and I have recently given birth to our 3rd child.

Quintessential, I agree with your warning here. You don't know who these men are that he has been chatting with in a salacious way.

OP, please have someone do a forensic exam of the computer.

Your P needs to see a psychiatrist first, maybe relationship counselling when his head is sorted out, a long way down the road.

Going I don't mean this in an aggressive manner (God knows the last thing this OP needs is a bunfight on her thread ) but which poster were you agreeing with ? If you mean IWantWine, you said something quite different.

and going FWIW, if there a "like" button I would be pressing it for your post at 20;10;30

if there was ...my typing has died

How are you this morning scatterboxgirl?
Must have been hard reading for you. Much sympathies.

Thank you so much for all the replies. It is a huge help and support when you cannot turn to someone in RL. I have now confided in one of my friends who is mortified and says this isn't the man she has known for the last 4 years.

I am so tired and stressed with the worry of my mum, looking after a baby and older children, that I don't have the energy to deal with him right now. He said that seeking help is possibility, which I replied that it would be the only option, otherwise it's over. We've had a huge row about it and he's gone off in a child like huff!

I have glanced through some of the threads in the section and I am horrified that so many people behave in a way which causes so much pain to those people they are supposed to love and protect. It really does baffle me why people carry on as they do.

I can't honestly say that he has said anything to me that's worth listening to and I don't feel any better about the situation. I am going to get a doctors appointment to see if I get something to help me sleep and then I am off to see my mum in hospital.

He can go to hell for now. We were supposed to be getting married this year. What a joke!! I've taken my engagement ring off and told him there will not be a wedding. I've also told him that I will not take the blame for this whatsoever and it is his behaviour only that has put us where we are now. I have told him I have all the evidence on paper and bank statements to show payment for the site. He will not get away with this.

I forgot to add that he seems totally incapable of having an adult conversation about his actions. I remained calm when talking to him and didn't start slinging insults at him, although it wass very tempting!

He said that what he has done is all about me and that he got fixated on the idea of men being attracted to me. He has no interest in other women or chasing after other women. This is all about his attraction to me and the fact that a lot of men find me, his girl, desirable!

I am sorry, but he is sick.

What he has done is sick.

You are very strong.

scatter I am so sorry. Your husband's reaction to me would be the final nail in the coffin. The very fact that he talks of counselling as a possibility shows that he doesn't take this seriously. In essence he is stating that you are his girl to be displayed, utilised and shown to others as he chooses and he is only sorry to have been caught.

Someone above said that at least this wasn't an affair as such. I think that I could forgive my dh an affair, but I don't think I could get past this. To let you know how our of touch your partner is with regards to this, the police treat this as a sexual offense, not just one of identity theft. It is taken very seriously (and shockingly to me, happens more often than you think).

So, basically, you're in the wrong for objecting to him doing this?

Yeah.

He's a twat.

I'm sorry he's not talking sensibly, must be infuriating.

I think you sound like you're being amazingly calm and strong.

...but you are not "his girl"; you are a sovereign human being in your own right.

It seems he doesn't grasp that. I don't think anything you say can change that.

OP... This is horrid. I expect you're in shock right now and not sure of what to think or just how far down that 'thinking road' you want to admit to yourself.

The first thing I would be doing is getting your hard drive forensically checked to see what has gone online in your 'name'. When you know that, you can evaluate what your choices are. You can get advice on how to remove any and all images and text pertaining to you. Do you know for certain that he hasn't given out your address, or daily movements so that you can be 'observed'? You really need to KNOW everything before you can plan your next move.

I personally think it's a good idea not to make any major changes right now - not for your partner's sake - but for yours. You have major things going on in your life at the moment and your attention needs to be there rather than on this.

As a step to feeling better, your partner should move out for now. No talk of the relationship, just ask him to leave until you decide what you want to do. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Your head must be all over the place, OP, I'm so sorry. To think that he thinks you'd find this in any way flattering is beyond the pale. Bide your time and make a decision when you're more sure of what you want.

OP, I'm sorry you have had such a horrible shock, especially when you are already under such a lot of stress.
However, the people trying to suggest that this man's next step is going to be making himself a lampshade out of your skin or something are really not helping.
He has been stupid, selfish and entitled here. But it seems very unlikely to me that his behaviour is about hating you and wishing you harm (I take on board the scenario about an abusive man doing such a thing in order to blackmail a partner or indeed to get custody by making the partner out to be 'immoral' though I would add that this is not the most successful of strategies as plenty of people are actually sensible enough to understand that there is nothing wrong with a woman seeking sexual encounters for fun over the internet) as you say that in all other aspects he has been a lovely partner.
You may well feel you can't get over this, and fair enough, you must do what you feel is best for you. It is unfair of him to misrepresent you like this. But it really does sound to me as though this is a man who got hung up on a particular sexual fantasy (that his partner likes sex with other men/swinging) and took it too far. There is nothing inherently wrong with liking swinging and group sex. It doesn't make you a bad person. What this man did was to involve you in something without your consent, which is deeply unethical, but why he did it was a lot more about stupidity and selfishness than malice, so please don't be too frightened by some of the stuff people have posted here suggesting all sorts of horrors in the future.

How absolutely awful, I would be furious! Does he actually think he owns you?

Apart from anything else, this could affect you in the future, say with jobs etc. Employers do look potential workers up online don't they, on Facebook, or simply put your name into Google. Is your name one there as well as your face?

For God's sake don't marry this man.

He is not taking you seriously, OP which means that he really doesn't see what he did wrong, apart from a bit of a mistake. He thinks you are making too much of it. He is blaming you. I wouldn't be surprised if he continued, as it gives him such a 'thrill'. But he may well be more careful about it.

You, of course, have done absolutely nothing wrong at all. I would advise just reporting it all to the police and let them deal with it. He can tell them that they are making a mountain out of a molehill and see how they respond.

In the meantime, you clearly need to focus on your family and yourself. I would ask him to leave the house so that you don't have to face him every day. If he doesn't sort out some counselling, I would not even consider having him back.

I am glad you have some RL support. Remember, you have done nothing. He is totally to blame for the consequences, whether he admits that or not.

So he went off in a huff when you told him it was get help or forget it?

That should tell you all you need to know here.

He is not prepared to acknowledge that what he did to you was completely unacceptable. The question of whether swinging or whatever else was on his mind is fine and dandy is not at issue here. The problem is him using you as some sort of private property whose body and sexuality he can dispose of as he wishes.

Please get your computer ransacked by an expert.
Please tell him he must move out and do not back down on insisting he gets psychiatric attention. I think you are dealing with someone who has a serious personality disorder. I would be very inclined to dump him entirely.

Hello I have been meaning to come back and update you but I have been so busy with my mum that I have had no time at all.

Anyway I have spent the last ten days doing what I needed to do for my family and now my mum appears to be on the mend I can concentrate on my life.

My partner and I have had some open discussions the last few days and he is so adament that he doesn't want to lose me and his family that he has found and arranged an appointment for us to see someone. He fully acknowledges that what he did was wrong and that he has caused a serious problem in our relationship but that he wants to make every effort to put it right.

He said he was totally out of line and that what started as a curiosity snowballed. He admitted he liked it a bit too much and was so intrigued by it that he didn't stop.

I have told my health visitor everything and she has suggested that this may be a blip in his character and not the behaviour of some sexual deviant or pervert.

So my question to you ladies is would you give him another chance or should I tell him to go.

Apart from this recent problem I can without doubt say that he has been the kindest most loving partner I have had and our relationship has been great. He until now has treated me well, been great with the children and I have had the best 4 years with him.

He isn't the kind of man who goes out boozing, or gambling the house keeping away, or who usually disrespects me and makes me feel worthless. It would be such a shame not to give us a chance here, however I just don't know if we can get back to where we were.

The point here is, what do you want? This whole thing is about DP not thinking about you as a self-determining human being with her own wishes and opinions - fortunately, by the sound of it, in only one aspect. It's your choice now.

My view is that good people feck up big-time sometimes, and if you were the one who fecked up you'd want to be forgiven. If he carries on doing the right things, including therapy/counselling... if he genuinely gets why you were so furious... if he really learns from this... and if you start to feel you can trust him again, then there is very likely a good future for you.

scatter, at least he is really showing that he wants to improve things. The fact that he organize to see someone and that he is taking responsability for it are all very good signs. The sort of things that yu would expect from a decent man who did a BIG mistake.

Whether you can or not forgive him and give him another chance is an entirely personnal decision. My gut feeling is that you have a lot of things going on with a new baby and your mum. Now is not the right time for you to take harsh decision. Perhaps going with him to see a counsellor and see how things go would be the best idea. And also having counselling on your own so that you can sort out your own feelings about it.

Hope things will get better for you.

The Internet.
Sigh.
It's totally fcking up love and relationships.

I can't add much to this, but I would suggest you put a strict limit on his computer use. I think you are perfectly justified to know exactly what he's doing online from now on. Try an open password policy plus a time limit so he doesn't use it when you're not around. It sounds harsh but I think you need to kick him where it hurts to see if he can prove to you that he means what he says.

I think what he did was the tip of a very large iceberg and so if you deal only with the surface behaviour that's come to light, it won't solve the basic problem.

Behaviour like this usually stems from a porn addiction. If he solves that and stops using porn, he might get somewhere. If he doesn't - and you fail to make the links as his partner - something like this or even worse will happen again.

Who's he made an appointment to see? You imply that you're going to be there too, which further suggests that he sees this as a joint problem and not one that he is owning as one that only he can solve. That would make me worry, because he might be hoping whoever you see will try to persuade you that although this was unacceptable, the habit that resulted in that behaviour is no big deal and you should just accept that it is 'what men do'.

Thank you for your replies. Charbon, I am really interested to know what makes you think this might be part of a bigger problem, ie a porn addiction. I myself did wonder but I can't find any evidence of this on either his phone or computer. We do from time to time watch it together but that is on the odd occasion when the mood takes us. I do agree with you that someone wouldn't normally launch inot this kind of behaviour without a build up of some kind. I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Baypolar, you're so right. I am so saddened by the number of relationships that fail because the seedy side of the internet has got a hold over people, mainly men. Whay can't they control themselves better.

Regarding the therapy. He made the call, and yes we are going together. He has taken total responsibility for what he has done and has told my only friend that knows that he was out of line. He also knows that I don't believe the "that's what men do" crock of shit so he knows not to even try that line on me.

I think in some ways the internet becomes a kind of testing ground and each individual takes it as far as they want it to go, you learn to self-censor. I find it strange that there is absolutely no evidence of porn on his phone or computer. I wonder if he is just very good at hiding it. Did he offer you to check the computer or did he resist it?