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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you make of this???

107 replies

scatterboxgirl1 · 04/01/2012 01:00

I have just discovered my partner has set up a profile of me on a well known and respected dating site (not a no strings one) with a photo of me and has been sending messages to men and replying to messages that men have sent as me. His reason being that he gets a thrill out of other men finding me attractive. He said he was inquisitive and accepts that he has crossed the boundary of acceptable behaviour. I can accept that, however the nature of this messages that he has been sending to these guys are extremely explicit and quite honestly make me look like a slag. I am bloody furious and also must add that he posted a couple of naked photos of me on the site which they removed as it didn't meet with their photo guidelines. What on earth would you do about this. We have children and I have recently given birth to our 3rd child.

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 04/01/2012 02:37

He is meant to be your DP, the man you trust, your friend, the man who will protect and love you. If this were another friend that did this, you wouldn't give them the time of day. This is your DP who has betrayed you.

Something similar happened with a friend of mine whose DH tried to honey trap her. She kicked him out, carried on with the DC as normal until he begged her to let him back.

AmberLeaf · 04/01/2012 02:43

Likeatonneofbricks., I know it was a normal site, it was with my friend too.

With her hed broached the swingng question a few times, then a few months later showed her 'her' profile and all the men interested in 'her'

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 03:21

Holy moly. Yeah, that is not ok. That would be the end for me, I'm afraid.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2012 04:01

I wonder if there is something else going on and you caught him before the whole plan came to fruition?

Could he have been planning to divorce you on grounds of infidelity? Or use the site to blackmail you in some way? It is not unusual for an abusive man to hold something like this over a female partner in order to get his way in some other area. I would examine the family finances and his phone very carefully. Get someone in to go through your computer in case there is more.

You need to insist he goes to see a psychiatrist if you think this could not be the case, and I recommend you find yourself a therapist to work through this enormous betrayal and humiliation. I would be inclined to threaten him with calling the police if he refuses to seek meaningful help.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you put his photo on a gay site and started pretending to be looking for some sort of mate? If he looks as if he genuinely never considered this from another angle then I would be worried.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2012 04:58

Have re-read your posts and wondered if I could ask how the naked photos came about -- whose idea, who took them, where they were kept, are there corresponding ones of him, any of the two of you together?

ScroobiousPip · 04/01/2012 06:07

sadly you cannot be sure of the extent of his behaviour. my personal reaction would be to report it to the police and let them investigate. whether you decide that the relationship has a future is an entirely separate issue.

Pursang · 04/01/2012 06:55

I've never cried leave-the-bastard before, but really - get out. Please try not to let the fact that you say he is an otherwise good bloke / father eclipse your judgement on this one: he's crossed a major boundary between fantasy / reality, and really compromised your privacy and safety. IMHO this should be an absolute deal breaker.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 07:26

He isn't a good partner and a great father

why on earth would you still feel that was the case ?

he has betrayed you in a most profound way

and to get a thrill out of sad fucks on the internet masturbating over you ?

tessa , I know you are trying to normalise it, but really any man that harbours such a cuckoo fantasy is no man at all in my book (even though I acknowledge there are plenty of them around)

if OP had even hinted there was any "pleasure" in it for her, then perhaps it would be acceptable

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 04/01/2012 07:39

He absolutely adores me in every way but he has no respect for you as his partner, as the mother of his dc, or in your own right.

He's compromised your safety, violated your privacy, stolen your identity, and defamed your character by making you out to be a woman of loose morals.

His attitude is apologetic, but how much of that is sorry for what he's done or sorry for getting caught who knows As he's expressed enjoyment of his activities, I suspect the latter.

Regardless of whether he professes to be contrite or not, he needs to make a full and frank disclosure of what else he's been up to without your knowledge or consent.

Has he shown nude photos of you to his friends/colleagues? Has he sent them to the 'readers wives' columns in certain magazines? Has he posted them on other sites? What else has he signed you up for? Is the account you've deactivated the only one?

To protect yourself against the possibility that at some future date he may claim that you joined the dating site of your own volition and conducted the resulting correspondence yourself or were complicit therein, I would suggest that you seek to log these incidents with the police.

Visit your local Regional Police Authority's website, contact the Force Headquarters' and ask to be directed to the unit or officers that specialise in internet crime and related matters as they may be better placed to advise you than your local constabulary.

This may result in your dp getting his collar felt by way of a chat with 'the law' which may be sufficient to make him realise the error of his ways.

Alternatively you could ask him to swear an affidavit detailing his actions and absolving you of any culpability, or to discuss his behaviour in a joint session with Relate or a similar organisation with the proviso that the content of the session is recorded and can be made available to you or to a lawyer acting for you should occasion arise.

Needless to say, what you shouldn't do is accept whatever assurances he may give you to the effect that he's sorry and he won't do it again.

As for the future, that very much depends on whether he can regain your trust after this gross disregard of your feelings and insult to your sensitivities.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 04/01/2012 07:56

Ouch, OP, I'm really feeling for you as this sounds grim. I have to say I agree with many others on here that you can't really talk about his qualities as a husband and father just at this minute because what he has done is really odd and disrespectful so it kind of blows everything else out of the water.

If it were me I would send him away for a week or so to a hotel or relative, no need to tell the kids why at this stage - away with work perhaps - and then I would tell a trusted person or couple of people in RL and get some serious thinking time. I would want time to get over the shock really before I could even begin to work out what to do.

I agree with suggestions he needs counselling. Lots of people might get turned on by the idea that other men fancy their partner but it's a big step to posting naked identifiable photos without consent. He's committed a crime plus totally violated your rights which would leave me feeling very angry.

Hope you're ok this morning.

KissMyShineyRedA · 04/01/2012 08:27

I've heard this is quite common, where men pretend to be women and chat to other men online and get a thrill from it. Weird. I think I would be quite freaked out by it tbh and ask he didn't do it

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 04/01/2012 08:43

Maybe men pretend to be random women, I can vaguely see that. But actually posting as your wife, with facially identifiable and naked pictures is something altogether different. And wrong!

scatterboxgirl1 · 04/01/2012 08:48

Morning everyone. Well I feel dreadful this morning and haven't had much sleep at all. I am not at all surprised by your posts as most of them sum up how i feel. Digusted and cheated.

The act although I am damn pissed off about it doesn't disgust me as much as the deceipt and going behind my back like that. If he has been talking to women like that over the web I would be even more angry but to do such a thing, use my photos and make me out to be someone with no morals at all it the low of the low in my opinion.

We have an good relationship, sex is something we both enjoy, we are open about what we both like and he has made no secret of the fact that in his mind he likes the idea of me sleeping with another man. The problem is there are some things that should just stay as fantasies, he has brought that fantasy into reality and it has damaged our relationship. We all have thoughts about things we think we might like to try, but most of us have the sense to realise that the fantasy is best kept that way.

All this has been going on while my beloved mother has been in hospital critically ill, and I have been getting over the effects of a tough pregnancy. Not only is what he done sick, but the timing is dreadful.

I don't think he is planning some campaign to use it against me as we are not married and in order to create a profile he has had to give his own e-mail address and mobile phone number which are clearly shown in the account details page. I have printed it all off and accessed his e-mail, printing those as well, which shows beyond doubt that it is he who set the profile up not me.

OP posts:
TheresASpareChairOverThere · 04/01/2012 09:03

Morning Scatterbox, sorry you're feeling dreadful but not really surprising given what's happened.

Just sending you virtual hug and support really.

What's your next step?

scatterboxgirl1 · 04/01/2012 09:14

To be honest I don't know what my next step is going to be. I'm hoping that talking on MN will help me move forward.

OP posts:
scatterboxgirl1 · 04/01/2012 10:47

Well I have told him that if he has any future with me then we have to see someone like relate in the first instance. I have told him I will not pretend all is ok and will not allow this to be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about. I will let you know what his response is as I have told him to think very carefully before answering me.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2012 10:58

It's not wonder you feel dreadful this morning :(

If you are going to go to counselling over this, you need to find a good professional. Relate really don't have a great reputation as their counsellors are very variable.

He will probably agree to going if it's the only way to keep you - this doesn't mean he's sorry for what he's done or can see that it's so wrong, only that he's not ready to lose you.

I would make him move out in the meantime, I just could not share a house/bed with him.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2012 11:13

Does he realise you could sue him for libel?

What a terrible situation, OP, I really feel for you. I know that leaving him is the last thing you want to do but staying with him sends a message that he is 'forgiven'. How will you ever trust him again. How will you ever be certain that there are no other sites with your photos on. Once your pictures are on the internet they can turn up anywhere. These are not the actions of a man who adores you, these are the actions of a man who thinks he owns you.

JackMatthias · 04/01/2012 11:16

Time to pack his bags or at least get an undertaking from him never ever to do anything like that again and then go for counselling together. He has a serious problem and has utterly disrespected you.

emmak86 · 04/01/2012 11:17

How strange and very wrong of him!! i know what id do but its ur decision to make.. i couldnt stay with him after that id be doubting him all the time!! x

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 04/01/2012 11:18

'Leaving him is not something I would do without careful consideration. There are 3 children under the age of 7 here to consider'

Exactly, which is why I would indeed be leaving him. After I'd talked to the police about his frankly frightening activities and carefully considered what effect having a father figure who would even think of doing something like this could have on a child.

I cannot believe that you would stay with a man like this.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 04/01/2012 11:20

'To be honest I don't know what my next step is going to be. I'm hoping that talking on MN will help me move forward.'

Honestly, the first thing I would do right now is make him move out. You need time away from him, he needs to realise right now that the main thing you should be considering is whether you get the plice involved.

This isn't a relationship issue, or a squabble. You should be putting serious distance between yourself and your children and this 'person'.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 13:10

Upthread, I meant "cuckold" not "cuckoo"

Sorry about that. Cuckoo can mean just a bit daft, and this is much MUCH more than that

Shutupanddrive · 04/01/2012 13:18

How did you find out? Did he tell you? Shock
Will you really ever be able to trust him again after this?

Hullygully · 04/01/2012 13:21

If this is really really true (it's not that I don't believe, you OP, but it is so unspeakably unimaginable), I don't see that you have any option but to kick him in the nuts with all your might and then kill him.