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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband just left after 20 years

83 replies

justme13 · 03/01/2012 09:48

my husband told me the day after boxing day that he doesnt know how he feels and he doesnt think he has feelings for me anymore we have two kids together and 20 years history oh and he wants some space and still wants to be friends!!!!!!!! help my life is such a mess right now

OP posts:
sunshineoutdoors · 03/01/2012 09:53

didn't want to read and not post. I'm so sorry this must be a big shock. You will come out the other side and be ok, even though it may not seem like that now. Do you have anyone in rl who you can talk/rant/moan/cry to? What are you doing today?

LadyBlaBlah · 03/01/2012 09:53

How bloody convenient for him.
Sure we all feel a bit like that sometimes.

He has responsibilities that he cannot just leave and get 'space'.

But let him go. No-one wants to be in a relationship where you are constantly on the back foot and constantly wondering if they might leave.

Your life will be much less messy when he is not around if this is how he treats you. BUT in the meantime the pain will be immense. But ride it the best way you can. Because you CAN. Smile

sunshineoutdoors · 03/01/2012 09:54

Are you working or at home with your children? How old are they? Is your husband still living at your home?
I want to come and give you a hug

solidgoldbrass · 03/01/2012 10:01

If he is still living in the family home, ask him to leave. It's not fair of him to expect to continue getting all home comforts while you are constantly waiting for him to up and go or indeed to reveal that he has 'met' someone else (because this is always usually at the bottom of this sort of behaviour; the man has met someone else he fancies but wants to keep his options open if the OW is uninterested.)

Original poster
justme13 · 03/01/2012 10:03

im disabled after a car accident and had a spinal fusion so i cant work my children are 15 and 9 hes sleeping on a relatives sofa hes been staying out late and distant for two months this news came out of the blue i met him when i was 16 my son didnt want to go to school incase i wasnt there when he came home :(

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 03/01/2012 10:06

Don't let him destroy you

SGB is so right. There will be an OW.

Start the fight today. Not the quitting.

Original poster
justme13 · 03/01/2012 10:09

if there is a ow good luck to her no oneelse is going to put up with his shit believe me

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 03/01/2012 10:15

And from now you don't need to put up with his shit Smile

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 03/01/2012 10:19

An affair sounds very likely.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 10:22

I am so very sorry

You need to prepare yourself that there is another woman involved.

sunshineoutdoors · 03/01/2012 10:22

How lovely to be distant for so long then decide to leave between Christmas and New Year Hmm Also agree it's very convenient for him to just be able to leave while you're left running the house and picking up the pieces dealing with your kids. I bet you wouldn't leave your kids like that.

I'm sure you know this already but try not to let your kids pick up on what a prize twat he is being. Just reassure them how much you both love them and that you are not going anywhere.

But today... you need to treat yourself - what do you like doing that would be a good treat - even just a good magazine (recommend psychologies) or getting your hair done. I know that sounds trite but I think little things to look after yourself are important. Can you get out and about? Sorry I don't know much about the injury you describe, is getting up, showered, war paint make up on ok for you to do? Think you need to be in fighter mode, fake you're ok 'til you feel it.

Have you got anywhere you can contact for legal advice re practical matters of house etc? I think this could be better looked into sooner rather than later.

Have you got any family (not your kids) or friends you can talk to about how you're feeling? Don't be ashamed to pick up the phone and call someone you feel you haven't been in contact with enough/might be busy. People will want to help you.

Abitwobblynow · 03/01/2012 10:35

He is fucking someone, sorry to tell you this so baldly. Of course he doesn't have feelings for you, he is infatuated with the heady new of someone who is on her best behaviour. You can't compete, so don't try.

The wanting to be friends etc. is so that he doesn't have to feel so guilty about what he is doing. It also keeps you as Plan B because he wants to do exactly what he is doing, but it not cost him anything in terms of losing his family.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I am preparing you. Look after yourself. Now is the time to start living life for YOU. This crisis is the time that you attend to what you need to attend to (weight, health, getting independent, getting your own friends and your own life, do you know what is going on with the finances, bills, mortgage, insurance etc?).

You are currently numb and in shock, then you will be in so much pain you want to die. But you WILL get over this. You WILL rise to the crisis. I promise you. Good luck, and we are here for you.

Becaroooo · 03/01/2012 10:40

Yep. There is an OW.

I am v sorry.

Get yourself to a solicitor pronto x

ClaraSage · 03/01/2012 10:44

Have you asked him if there is someone else?
Why does he need 'space' ? What about you needing space?

Original poster
justme13 · 03/01/2012 10:53

i just had a chat with him outside the house he said do you want me to come back for the kids and not love you , he said he still wants to help me (around the house ect) and doesnt understand why im like this,i asked if there was someone else he said no and why do i keep asking him that,i told him even if the kids hate him right now i dont want him to disapear on them and move away

OP posts:
cakeismysaviour · 03/01/2012 10:59

Bastard. I'm another one who thinks an OW is involved here, even if nothing has happened yet.

Get legal advice pronto, gather as much info as possible regarding practical stuff like mortgage, if you have joint accounts take steps to ensure he can't empty them and play your cards close to your chest.

Encourage H and kids to have contact and above all be kind to yourself. Have you got girlfriends to confide in?

sunshineoutdoors · 03/01/2012 11:00

Angry He doesn't understand why you are like this?

windsorTides · 03/01/2012 11:10

Definitely an OW and definitely a physical affair already. Probably has been for about 2-3 months, or whenever he started staying out late and becoming 'distant'. He will deny, deny, deny so don't bother asking again.

If you feel you need to know this for sure, try to gain access to his phone or his bills.

Otherwise, the very best advice is to muster all your dignity and tell him that you deserve to be with someone who is in love with you and will not settle for second best. Do start as you mean to go on though and insist he does his share of childcare for your younger child - not in your home though. Don't have him doing any 'jobs' in the house either. He needs to know that as far as you're concerned, the relationship is over and it's not his home anymore.

BTW, you might find that as soon as the affair comes out into the open, it will finish as quickly as it started, because this has got midlife crisis fantasy affair written all over it.

Original poster
justme13 · 03/01/2012 11:13

i did go mental when he first told me apparently i scared the shit out of him started tearing the decorations down and smashing stuff up and downing the alcohol, talking on here is helping thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
justme13 · 03/01/2012 11:18

my thoughts exactly windsorTides midlife crisis

and he keeps telling me as i suffer from deppression that i should go to the doctors and sort my medication out

i feel as if i dont know him anymore

OP posts:
joblot · 03/01/2012 11:27

good for you. what did he expect you to do, make a nice cup of tea and talk about the weather?

ClaraSage · 03/01/2012 11:30

People react in different ways, when my H owned up to an affair and plans to leave I was completly calm and sensible (and I am usually very quick to anger) The angry outbursts came later when he'decided' to stay.

solidgoldbrass · 03/01/2012 11:38

There is someone else involved all right. And this man's current motivations are a) Not to look like the bad guy. As soon as the OW commits to him he will claim that he has 'just' met her.
b) To keep his options open; OW may have a partner of her own that she hasn't left yet - or she may not, actually, have shagged him; she might be waiting till he is 'free'.

So start looking into your legal/financial/practical situation, make sure you get all the relevant facts so the H can't bullshit you into letting him have everything his own way.

Sudaname · 03/01/2012 11:58

He sounds like my younger sisters DH. He treated her very coldly and distant for years and then blamed her depression for her 'behaviour'. No bloody wonder she and you OP suffer from depression. He sounds a bit control freaky also like my B-i-l.
He also wanted to stay among his home comforts and with his kids but carry on the loveless relationship with my DSis and couldnt understand her problem with that. He also threatened that if she tried to get him out he would get the house and kids and just say she was an unfit mother (she'd had a nervous breakdown in the past and been admitted to a psychi unit) and she would end up alone in a council high rise flat or something.

I told her any decent solicitor would throw that out completely on the grounds that for years he had been quite happy to leave their kids with this 'unfit mother' while he worked allegedly ( l always suspected an affair) 14hr days or worked away for whole weekends ,went abroad on conferences etc. Hmm.

They are now reconciled (not sure on what terms - my sis has been pulled on confiding in me l believe) and l just hope my B-i-l has not bullied her round to his terms and that he has improved his behaviour. l somehow doubt it but there is only so much you can get involved between husband and wife. A person has to help themselves and have some level of self worth to do so. I do hope you find this strength in you OP to do the right thing.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:09

your poor sis, suda Sad