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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband just left after 20 years

83 replies

justme13 · 03/01/2012 09:48

my husband told me the day after boxing day that he doesnt know how he feels and he doesnt think he has feelings for me anymore we have two kids together and 20 years history oh and he wants some space and still wants to be friends!!!!!!!! help my life is such a mess right now

OP posts:
ElectricSoftParade · 01/02/2012 05:40

justme13 God, I am so sorry to read what is happening to you. Stupid, stupid man.

My DH left on Monday. I don't know why, where he is or what to tell our children. Stupid fucking man.

I hope you are bearing up.

perplexedpirate · 01/02/2012 06:01

No advice to offer, just a virtual hand-hold if required.
He sounds like a real piece of work. It will be terrifically difficult, there's no doubt about it, but you will be infinitely better of when all this is over and you are rid of the knobber.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2012 07:48

Don't visit OWs house again; it will achieve nothing for you apart from making you look like a screaming harpy and she likely would not care anyway.

The person you need to get angry with primarily is your H, OW is immaterial here. I hope you have a good solicitor and can start proceedings asap.

Mimishimi · 01/02/2012 08:28

Also, you don't know as yet whether they actually have a relationship. He may have fancied her for a long time, introduced her to his family as a work colleague ( do u think they'd really accept her as a gf knowing that he's still married?), and she could have been entirely unaware of his intentions until last week when he asked her out. He may have thought that she would have refused knowing he's married so he decided to break things off with you first. There's an excellent chance that she would turn him down regardless and then watch him try to come back like a dog with his tail between his legs then....

izzyisin · 01/02/2012 14:08

What you seriously don't want is any opportunity for the bitch OW to be able to garner sympathy from right-minded folk, or be able to paint you as anything other the wife she has wronged.

Unless enacted in your fantasies, face to face confrontations with OWs are not recommended as it's far too easy for the wronged party to be portrayed as an aggressive deranged nutter who he is well rid of - and no-one here wants that happening to you, honey.

If you feel that overwhelming urge to beat the shit out of confront the bitch OW again, please log on and vent here where others can help you release your anger in a more constructive manner than a shouting match that may lead to fisticuffs on her doorstep.

Revenge truly is a dish best eaten cold. Rest assured that, in the fullness of time, you will eat your fill - and in the meantime there's always witchcraft the odd sneaky act performed under cover of darkness with a butter wouldn't melt look on your face to keep you from starving until the day of your feast Wink

Original poster
justme13 · 01/02/2012 22:50

I just told him through a friend that I never want to see or hear him again and the kids don't want see him
he just said if that's what I want he'll let us get on with our own little life!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 23:04

christ almighty, you are well rid of this snake

< yuk >

Abitwobblynow · 02/02/2012 04:01

He sounds an absolute treasure, who will make OW very very happy.

The best revenge, Justme? Letting her keep him!

How are you? Have you seen a solicitor? What are you doing for money?

Please repeat after me: Do NOT chase him, do NOT beg and plead, do NOT try to 'talk' with him.

Being thrown into OW's open, loving arms and open, loving legs is a surefire way for the fantasy bubble to be burst. He will start missing his family... Then, when he tries to secretly contact you, shaft him by forwarding all the texts to OW. Just so she knows that it wasn't really about her, she is irrelevant.

Lueji · 02/02/2012 22:06

Fully agree with Abitwobblynow.

Get rid of him and don't feel guilty for it.

Original poster
justme13 · 03/02/2012 00:47

He's just had a long conversation with the kids on the phone he wants to see them but I don't want him upsetting them again and he thinks im poisoning them against him oh and he said he's going to beat me up! And doesn't understand why my daughters so upset she's a teenager

OP posts:
Original poster
justme13 · 03/02/2012 00:50

Is it normal that he's met someone after moving out four weeks ago or should I rely on gut instinct been going on for ages

OP posts:
windsorTides · 03/02/2012 01:00

It isn't just gut instinct. There were enough clues right from the start to make this an open and shut case. I'd now report him to the police for making threats of violence against you.

Original poster
justme13 · 03/02/2012 01:06

He didn't say to me he said it to our daughter! Which is more disturbing I'm just trying to protect them

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 03/02/2012 06:57

Please stay calm Justme.

You see, this is the problem: in his head, 'I haven't left the children, I've only left you'. That is his split, and it is a delusion that you don't have to do anything about. Time will erode his fantasy that he can have it all his way. So stay dignified, and don't sink to the swamp they wallow in.

In reality, he has left his family. All you can do, is calmly point this out to him.

Don't use the children as a weapon/anything he can beat you (the fat troll who is the cause of ALL his problems and who FORCED him to seek happiness and love elsewhere!!!![violins]) up with blame wise. Please, please, stay calm. They are old enough to deal with this. Make provisions about him seeing his children: it has to be in McDonalds at an agreed time. Because this is what leaving your family means. It means that you have chosen someone else over them, and you have chosen to become a weekend Dad. No house, no own chair, no own coffee cup. Time is on your side if you stay calm! Although you wish him eternal sexual bliss and happiness, this is a consequence of leaving his family.

And he is NOT to upset them by bringing along his shiny new fuckbuddy. If he does, he will be forfeitting their trust and make it far more difficult to see them again.

You CAN stay calm. You CAN stick to the points.

So: Gerald (or whatever his name is):

The children are prepared to meet you in McDonalds on Saturday at 2.30pm. I will make sure they leave the house in good time for that.

You will show consideration for their feelings of being betrayed and left, (note the 'their', not 'my')and you WILL NOT bring along your shiny new fuckbuddy.

If you do break their trust in this way, please consider you will be making seeing them much harder in the future.

Stick to these points. DO NOT get sidetracked. Do NOT attack Lovingopenlegs. Put them on his answerphone preferably so your calmness can't be denied.

If he starts on coming home, reply: you left home and chose another home. This is not your home anymore. (What I said to my H:) this is a place of safety and truth, and you are not to come here and contaminate it. [He was devastated].

He has never met you calm, and steely furious no pushover any more! Time for him to do so.

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. Do NOT ask your solicitor's advice, permission, or hand over any other power. Do NOT put that question on record. Just do it.

mummytime · 03/02/2012 09:24

Do start to keep a diary too, record what he said to your DD (get her to sign it). Keep records of what he says, and what he does, keep them factual and put in good as well as bad eg.
Saturday 2:30 met kids at McD talked for 1 hour, kids returned calm.
Then when you record: He shouted at kids, and told them about me, kids upset.

It will sow you don't just record the bad.

Lose you keys is often helpful (or be worried cos one of the kids has lost theirs, mine are always doing that at school).

fullofnostalgia · 03/02/2012 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
justme13 · 04/02/2012 19:09

Electricsoftparade how r u hope your bearing up and putting on a brave face have you heard from him yet?
All these girls on her are brilliant I wouldn't have survived the past month with out them!
Just to update you he's getting a divorce letter in the post next week! :)
I'm finally taking control back and it feels good x

OP posts:
TheAlphaParent · 04/02/2012 21:00

Good work, OP

Original poster
justme13 · 06/02/2012 15:04

i just went round OW house! had it out with her :#

OP posts:
PosiePumblechook · 06/02/2012 15:08

Oh shit.

Correctmeifiamwrong · 06/02/2012 15:09

Oh no.... how did it go?

Lueji · 06/02/2012 15:26

Why the OW?

Your still OH is the problem not her.

By engaging her you are only getting yourself worked up.

Accept that it's over and your ex is a dh.

Correctmeifiamwrong · 06/02/2012 18:00

I can imagine why confronting the OW would be tempting - but in a daydream 'punch her on the nose' sort of way. It could never work out in a satisfying way 'I am so sorry, I am a terrible person, please take him back, I just cast a spell on him and now he is yours...'

He sounds like a complete charmer, and the OP is better off without him, sad as it is to say after such a long marriage.

ClaraSage · 06/02/2012 19:26

Well she did go round so there's no point telling her she should not have now.
How did it go OP?

Original poster
justme13 · 07/02/2012 10:02

i couldnt help myself i just wanted to ask her how long had it been going on etc and for him to stop telling my daughter stuff about his private life she doesnt want to know! i wanted to see what she looked like and shes nothing special and i dont want him back lets see if she can last 20yrs with him putting up with his shit! i was angry but dignified

OP posts: