husband just left after 20 years

[justme13]

my husband told me the day after boxing day that he doesnt know how he feels and he doesnt think he has feelings for me anymore we have two kids together and 20 years history oh and he wants some space and still wants to be friends!!!!!!!! help my life is such a mess right now

You could always suggest he stays with the children and you move out, to give him space.

If he was found to be having an affair, can you see yourself ever getting past that? For some people it's a yes, others a no. If it is definitely a no, I would go and see a solicitor right now. If it's a possibly or a yes, you need to ask him to be scrupulously honest with you and tell you what's really going on so you can start talking.

Good luck, and I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

how about PI to get the evidence...does it help with divorce - re finances?

DO NOT LEAVE YOU HOME AND CHILDREN.

FFS MrsK that is dreadful advice. It could pave the way for the wretched man to move his new girlfriend in and claim the OP abandoned the DC and the family home,
OP: stay put. You have rights, make sure you enforce them, and if/when it turns out that H does have someone else, don't allow even for one second him to suggest that you 'can sort this out as friends, we don't need lawyers.'
Men who say this are not your friend, they are trying to screw you over once again by misinforming you of your rights.

I don't mean actually do it, I just meant suggest it, to watch his face fall as he realises his plan wasn't exackerly going to plan.

Go and see a solicitor.

It happened to me after 24 yrs - OW waiting in the wings. Keep hold of the centre, your children and your home (if possible) - think of it like being at the eye of a storm, the more you can stay in the calm centre the less likely you are to be hit by flying debris. Don't let him dictate how you feel, detach.

In my experience the big plus will be a closer relationship with your children.

Hope you're ok op

i asked him for the keys tonight he was shocked when i asked him felt really bad for doing it though

well done Justme13. Dont let the bastard get you down. Front up to him, stiff upper lip and all that shit.. Keep civil and non confrontational.
My ex dw did much the same thing but then 4 weeks later admitted that she had been shagging a good mate of mine for the last 6 months!!

Justme, he seems to be following the same script as my STBX H, he didn't love me anymore, he'd been distant and detached for months, completely denied any affair, made me feel it was my 'nagging' that that made him want to leave. He was having an affair. We'd been together 22 years, married for 16. MN people on this board were much wiser than me and helped me to realise the truth. I hacked into his secret email account and found the proof. Unknowingly, I did as MrsJA suggested, I offered to move out myself as I felt it was my fault. He really wasn't happy with that, it would have impacted terribly on his affair! Not saying you should try that, though, just in case! He wanted to leave me, make me feel it was my fault, then 'start' the new relationship. Keep it all amicable, keep the DC's respect, have it fucking all.

How's your sex life been? Ours had been non-existent for months. He was very possessive of his phone, had changed pins and passwords, had started sun-bathing and being concerned about his appearance. Does any of this sound familiar?

Be strong, you will be amazed how you will cope. Get RL support, get a solicitor. (((hugs)))

hey ellenjaneisnotmyname hes always looked after himself gone to the gym etc and of course its my fault he doesnt love me im trying to stay stong for my kids
hes also come to get the rest of his stuff the other day :(

Of course its your fault????!, you say?

Why dont you deserve to be loved as much as other people?

You do deserve to be loved , you know. It isnt your fault. And if he is lying, which I think he is, then that isnt your fault either.

FWIW, I think that if you can pick up your self esteem, you may well be able to capitailise on your unexpected (to him) reaction in asking him to move out, as I wouldnt mind betting it will shock him into change and a rethink. Read Michelle Wiener Davis on this, if you can. I picked up the recommendation from another thread- I think it is called Divorce Busting.

I think that was a sarcastic, "Of course it's my fault." That's what he wanted justme to think.

justme, You know you have done nothing wrong, don't you? Even if you were the best wife in the world, if someone massaged his ego and offered themselves up on a plate a weak man will often just go for it. You are strong, look after yourself as well as the children. There's always someone on MN to hold your hand. x

Hey everyone i've got an appointment with a solicitor next week he doesn't know that yet! He's told the kids if I loose weight he's might come back! And he told me he loves me like a sister! Still trying to hold it all together here :(

Read your thread. I'd be certain there's an OW.

Don't tell him about the solicitor and don't have any conversations with him about anything other than the children.

If he's telling the kids that sort of hurtful crap, he's harming them. I think you should advise them to tell him to stop talking about your relationship. Now he's fed the kids such nasty comments though, I think you should gently explain to them that 20 year marriages don't break up suddenly because of weight gain and you wouldn't want them to think that's a reasonable excuse to leave a relationship.

I'm sure you realise this is self-justifying crap don't you?

The only reason he'd come back would be if the OW dumps him, he gets fed up of her or he realises late in the day he'd be screwed financially if he didn't. But if you've got any self-respect, you'll tell him to piss off because you're not that stupid.

Was he always this nasty? It might help you to recall all the hurtful things you've been putting up with for years to convince yourself that he and the OW have actually done you a favour.....

Have a good meeting with the solicitor. It's really cathartic to actually do something positive and take a bit of control back. Xx

Hey all just thought I'd update you he's told me there is someone else a woman from work he says he asked her out last week but I found out he's already introduced her to all his family! So ANGRY right now I'm back to not eating and sleeping :(

Once again Mumsnetters are wise in the ways of cheating bastards.
I'm sorry OP. How did the meeting with the soliciter go?

you are well rid, justme - he sounds a really horrible, horrible man

please try and eat though, little and often - just some fruit and cheese even.

what a horrible man

Got another meeting with solicitor going to get things moving now I feel like I'm right back where I started 4 weeks ago

good luck, justme

Comfort food little and often will keep you going. Tomato soup with crusty bread and butter, fried egg and/or bacon sandwich, cheese on toast; whatever floats your boat and is simple to prepare - and a mug of hot milk with a tot of whisky and a spoonful of sugar before you go bed.

With a little help from you, karma will sort the lying twunt out. Wipe the smirk off his face and put the cat among the pigeons by calmly telling him that you know (thanks to sources who shall remain nameless) he was having it off with seeing the OW well before he decided to leave the matrimonial home and therefore you'll be naming her on your divorce petition.

Ask him for her name and address and when he demurs - as of course he will - simply say 'no problem, my solicitor will get it from your employers'.

Of course it won't happen, but there's nothing quite as gratifying as lobbing the odd grenade into the enemy camp - let them fret think about what the ramifications might be if you go ahead and name the bitch her.

He's introduced her to his family? Un-fucking-believeable. What an insult to you - jeez, you are well shot of him

Good luck with the meeting

I found out where she lives I went round there twice lucky for her she wasn't in