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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am a massive cliche. 10 hours since my marriage ended.

109 replies

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 00:35

I've spent the Christmas period glancing over active threads, purposefully ignoring those about Xmas marriage breakdowns. I don't have a stressful Xmas and I've actually had a nice time until today.

'D'H has decided today that he thinks we should split up, sorry, have a break because he 'needs some space'. I've pointed out that he's a bit young for a midlife crisis, however it seems that he's expecting me to move out. I'm not,one for long posts so apols for dripping info, I'm not doing it on purpose. I need some patented MN indignation to bolster my confidence. If I seem a bit flippant, i am ery upset but I've had a bottle of wine and thought I'd pop on for a chat about what awanker I married.

Happy new year anyway, if there's anyone out there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 01:05

SPB I would love to sew prawns in the curtains, but I'm hoping to get the rental deposit back that I paid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 01:07

I've asked, he says no. I believe him, but i know he gets attention. I'd be surprised if there wasn't a younger model on the scene in a while.

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tribpot · 01/01/2012 01:08

He's put all his cards down, he can't now pick a few back up - daft bugger.

Sounds like you might be in a stronger position than you think tomorrow, Changey - simply refuse to engage until you're ready.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/01/2012 08:01

A perfect opportunity to link this again.

I suggest you start considering whether you really want this vacillating twit in your life, and if the answer is "not sure I can be bothered", work out how to split on your terms.

therealsantaisagrinch · 01/01/2012 08:37

I would tell him that if he wants you to move out he gives you the deposit you put down in cash before you physically leave....

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 01/01/2012 08:37

If you paid the deposit, whose name is the tenancy in?

If he wants space, he can piss off and find it. Make sure you change the locks once he has.

And get yourself an income asap, even if it's jobseekers for a while

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 10:02

I'd call his bluff, take him at his word and pack his stuff!

It'll either jolt him into packing this dickheadedness in, or it'll rip off the plaster and you'll be on the mend faster.

RandomMess · 01/01/2012 10:10

He can have a break in the spare room!

dampanddrizzly · 01/01/2012 11:12

so if a woman comes on here wringing her hands and saying she needs space,thats fine, he has to move out, go to his mothers, do whatever - cos SHE needs space

if he needs space, he is a time wasting bastard?

i see .....

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 11:57

examples dampanddrizzly ?

To come out with the old I need space cliche is crap at anytime of year, but beyond awful at NYE.

If he wants space, give it to him!

Charbon · 01/01/2012 12:09

Whereas I'd be astonished if there wasn't someone on the scene NOW.

Just call his bluff and get rid.

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 13:31

Thank for advice. I've been pondering on the tenancy thing.
I'm going to post a thread in legal or property to do with the houses, but does anyone have any thoughts on how I should proceed with the rental situation?

Have a jointly owned house (empty) and current rental house in both names. I considered going to the agent if I did decide to go to move to take my name off the tenancy. I hadn't considered asking him to pay me back the deposit himself, I guess that's more sensible than asking the agent to pay me. He's not planning to keep the rental long term.

I like 'vacillating twit'. He came and got in bed with me last night while I was reading. Like I'd change my mind and say "oh that's fine, I'm quite happy to share a bed with you, even though you're kicking me out." I had to raise my voice to get him out.

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tribpot · 01/01/2012 13:34

Can you move into the owned house, Changey?

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 13:39

That's what he wants me to do. Although I've spent 6 months adjusting to living here (long way away from former home) and applying for jobs. Waiting to hear back from ones applied for before NY. Don't know if I could afford to rent here on my own or even if I would want to stay.

I have friends and a house that (kind of belongs to me) where I was before. Should I just go back and regroup although it's not the best place to be for work?

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BandOMothers · 01/01/2012 13:41

What an arsehole. I was wondering if you could move into the house you own too....any chance of that? Hard with no job I know....the best revenge would be you walking out of there into a better life with no asswipe to bring you down.

BandOMothers · 01/01/2012 13:43

Yes....you should go to where friends are...and your house...you will need friends near. What's your line of work?

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 13:49

Sorry BOM that would totally out me.

I think maybe I'm being a bit too trusting. He's not really given me any reason to be suspicious before.

If you had a "chat" last night at his instigation, where he said that the purpose of having the break was so that we could reflect on where 'we were going wrong and fix the problems'. There are apparently a numbe of issues I need to work on. I said that I thought I was ok and he is having a laugh if he thinks he can kick me out, send me somewhere else and then expect to 'work on our problems'. This is all out of the blue, btw, I thought everything was ok, no rowing etc.

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RandomMess · 01/01/2012 13:50

TBH I would go back, start applying for jobs there etc.

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 01/01/2012 13:53

Did he manage to be objective and fair, or was it just a litany of all the things you need to change to make him happy?

BandOMothers · 01/01/2012 13:53

Changey it does sound like there might be someone else....you've had no rows and he's trying to ease you out of the house/relationship with the minimum of fuss...then he can wheel his new woman in as though he met her after you broke up.

Sorry if that's upsetting to think of (of course it is) but Ive been there....i bet if you asked him he would deny it.

You are entitled to half of everything I hope...do you share bank accounts?

CoraBear · 01/01/2012 14:10

Changey, sorry to hear about your situation. The same thing happened to someone I know and all I can do is tell you how she handled the rental issues.

She contacted the landlord/letting agent and told them she was leaving, then emailed them the same. She also explained that her ex would be continuing to stay in the house and she needed her name removed from the rental agreement or a new one drawn up specifically for her partner. She also fired off a solicitors letter to the letting agent to ensure that everything was above board when it came to her not incurring any costs if her ex trashed the house (her solicitor advised her to do this as it can get very messy when it came to damage in rental properties.)

However, when it came to my friend getting her deposit back it wasn't straight forward as she was technically breaking her lease by moving out. The rental agency was sympathetic to her situation but she didn't get her deposit back until her DP signed a new rental agreement specifically for him (it took months, he is a pig.) Have you the receipt to say that you paid the deposit? You may need proof if he is going to fight you for it.

tribpot · 01/01/2012 14:17

we could reflect on where 'we were going wrong and fix the problems'. There are apparently a number of issues I need to work on.

But also, presumably, a number of issues he needs to work on? Or was he using the 'unRoyal we' meaning 'you'?

Earlybird · 01/01/2012 14:26

'' he said that the purpose of having the break was so that we could reflect on where 'we were going wrong and fix the problems'. There are apparently a numbe of issues I need to work on. ''

Interesting that he has suggested splitting/taking a break/you moving out instead of some sort of relationship counselling. Relate (or something similar) is potentially the best way of airing your problems with each other, and possibly resolving them. In your shoes, I'd suggest that as an initial step.

OP -
presumably you love this man and want to find a way to stay with him?

How long have you been together?
Had either of you been drinking when he made his 'suggestion'?

Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 14:36

I've narrowed it down to two options.

Either he's had/been having/is planning to have an affair/shagging around. God that looks horrible written down.

Or it's a cost cutting exercise. I've remembered that he did suggest me moving back to the old house a little while ago to save money on renting this place as he could go and share a flat during the week. I got upset and he dropped it.

Either way, I don't think there's any future in this.
earlybird
Been married 8 years, no drinking involved.

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Original poster

Changeychangechange · 01/01/2012 14:40

Bollocks this renting thing is going to get a bit messy. He's just going to rear up at me if I tell him I want the deposit back. I might have to watch the details on here. Is 'Relationships' googleable?

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