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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there hope for me?

109 replies

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:14

It's New Years Eve again another alone.

I have BPD, I get paranoid, I guess you could say I'm needy.

I joined POF, a guy I started talking to just this week sent me a message saying, not ignoring you, really like you some bad news etc., Says someone in his family had a stroke.

Yet, when I sign in he is online and I have heard nothing from him, my head tells me that he is messing, why? Because if he was interested he would just say Hi, yet nothing.

I can't do with players, my emotional state just cannot handle it, its like when someone shows an interest for me that's it, and I go full swing, then it's like when they stop I get all tearful, think it's cos I'm fat, cos a lot of me don't reply cos I'm a size 14 and 20lb overweight.

Will I always be an emotional cripple? Am I destined to just be alone.

I feel tearful tonight, I'd love a cuddle, just someone to watch a DVD with. I've not had a cuddle for 20 months then before that 6 months, then before that 3 years.

Am I now too old at 47 to find someone?

I dunno.

I have upped my doseage of anti-psychotics so I just feel numb all the time.

I haven't name changed because I don't do that.

OP posts:
overthehillmum · 31/12/2011 20:32

Oh gawd, meant fabby, that was my auto correct on my iPad, sorry......

Original poster
FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 20:33

Ladies I appreciate how lovely you have all been, I have a new FB friend from this thread and she lives real close! whooopeeee. A meet up in Portsmouth be dandy. Off to play Sims. x

OP posts:
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 20:36

PMSL @ overthehillmum

Damn autocorrect Grin

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 20:36

Being single can be fun, I was single for 7 years and enjoyed it, primarily because I wasn't interested I meeting anyone. It happens naturally but with a bit of effort, like joining clubs, working, volunteering. People aren't as bad as they might seem. Give love and have respect for yourself and you will receive it back. I know it sounds really corny but I think it's the only thing that works. Other people probably aren't that different to you, maybe just coping in different ways. Much love fabby and much respect, as you have been open and lovely on this thread. :)

perfumedlife · 31/12/2011 20:39

Fabby you ask "will I always be an emotional cripple?" but the way I see it, you are the opposite of that. You are emotionally incontinent. I don't mean that as an insult. It's just that, maybe as part of bi-polar, you emote on too high a frequency and it scares most people.

I personally don't think dating sites are the way forward for you. Day to day interactions are the way you can suss how you are coming across. If you come across as somewhat acidic on here, you most likelly do too in rl

Have you thought about joining a class, a choir, something that involves a large group where your strong persona may be less obvious? That way, people have time to get to know the real fabby we all know and love and not be frightened away too soon.

overthehillmum · 31/12/2011 20:41

Blush scuttles back to lurking

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 31/12/2011 20:46

It's not the first time I've seen that autocorrect, overthehill, stop lurking now! Grin

perfumedlife · 31/12/2011 20:49

sarahstratton I'm just so struck by your post Shock Isn't it odd how we read posters and have an image of them and their lives that turns out to be nothing like reality? I love your posts and always imagine you as very glam (must be the little stratton compact you remind me of) and in demand, a sort of Dorothy Parker of the mumsnet lounge.

It's good that no one feels so alone when they come here. I used to have a crazy social life and many friends. Health issues have changed things and I stepped away from the whirl for my own reasons and it really is good to know people are in the same boat for whatever reasons.

Fabby, men are really not the answer to your prayers. You are. As soon as you realise that, you will feel so much peace.

flatbellyfella · 31/12/2011 20:50

Happy New Year Everyone. Bed time for me ,got a 5 am work shift in the morning .

perfumedlife · 31/12/2011 20:51

Happy New Year flatbellyfella Smile Sleep tight.

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 20:54

I am glam perfumed, and I used to be like that, I just prefer my own company really. Been bitten a lot and am wary now.

Fab et al, come hop on the Crealy Love bus on Chat, we're outwitting zombies.

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 20:55

And thank you, seem to have forgotten my manners. Blush

HNY flatty.

PermanentlyOnEdge · 31/12/2011 21:17

Fabby, I have only recently joined MN but have already noticed you lots while I've been lurking and finding my feet. I want to tell you to hang in there and that there is always hope that 2012 will be better. It is totally possible to come through serious MH issues and rebuild your life, or even build it properly for the first time.

15 yrs ago I had it all, a marriage, a mortgage and a proper job, tho (luckily as it turned out) no kids. On NYE 2001 I realised I had lost it all. First the job, then the love and finally the house (as the divorce came through), all down to a major depression which nearly cost me my life and saw me spend 3 months on an acute psychiatric ward.

I started again in a rented one bed, on incapacity benefit and 15 hrs therapeutic 'work' a week. I was excruciatingly lonely, still majorly messed up and needy in exactly the way you are describing. I know how horrible it is when any bit of attention you get from a man suddenly seems to distort all your life around it. I think it's because of the desperate hoping you have that 'this one' is the way out of the awful place you find yourself in.

I did eventually find my way out. I thought it could never happen. I randomly asked a colleague I worked with to go out for a drink with me as I wanted to get back out there, and unexpectedly met someone that night. We now have DS(4) and DD(2).

When you are ready to meet someone I think that's when they come along. I had a lot of therapy, and was just getting to a place where I finally felt ok with myself. I think when you feel better in yourself the other stuff just sorts itself out as the messages both verbal and non that you give out just have the right kind of vibe. If you have found a therapy that works for you then throw everything you have at it, do whatever you have to to fund it, I truly believe that without all the therapy I would still be locked where I was.

I'm wishing you all the best for the year to come Fabby. You are still raw and maybe not in a good place, but the deep down strength in you is clear. It comes through loud and clear in your posts. I think you can turn things around.

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 31/12/2011 21:20

It's a lovely newbie post. :)

LeBOF · 31/12/2011 21:24

Agreed. Great post.

Adversecamber · 31/12/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 21:42

Lovely post.

KissMyShineyRedA · 31/12/2011 21:50

POF is basically a casual sex site. I was on there for months and only met guys interested in sex, probably because it's a free site.

I joined eharmony and match.com which seemed to have a better class of people as you have to pay a little. Went on 2 dates and met my partner who I have been with 3 years now. I was upfront in my profile that I wasn't looking for casual.

Good luck fabby, you deserve someone x

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 21:54

I've stated on my profile that I am not interested in anything short term, and will basically cut the bollocks off anyone unfaithful. Just to make it perfectly clear to them that they're not getting a shag n run.

lubeybooby · 31/12/2011 21:57

Well personally Fabby I think you're great, warts n all. You were very kind to me when I was posting about my split earlier this year and I love your honesty.

Just a couple of points, - a size 14 isn't fat at all and being 'bigger' has never stopped me dating, I've dated at everything between a 14 to a 20 and back again - it's never affected the men contacting me or the amount of dates i get.

It IS a very hit and miss thing with online dating. It's 99% being on the right site at the right time, and 1% kissing many frogs til you find the prince. Don't let it get you down

And don't ever change! x

Heleninahandcart · 31/12/2011 22:13

Fabby its b NYE, its not the night to dwell on this as it amplifies all the bad stuff in our lives. FWIW I know you are direct, but I have never, ever seen any spite in anything you have written. You actually do mean well.

Regarding the dating thing, POF sucks the life out of any decent human being. Maybe its ok for those in their 20s or 30s as there is a bigger pool to chose from but its certainly not for anyone looking for a good relationship in the over 40s as it is full of retreads looking for a replacement wife/woman to have sex on. I felt very down after being on there and dropped it, I have been through the 'is it me?' stage, consider myself ok, its not just you who has had crap experiences there believe me.

Fabby, whether you stay on here and continue posting or not make sure you put a favourite non NYE DVD on and get yourself through this evening. Only a couple of hours to go and we can all go back to normal.
Right, I'm now going to pass the my non NYE wine to you, MsStratton and everyone else that could do with it. May even throw in some 'naice' sausage rolls.

SarahStratton · 31/12/2011 22:48

Retreads! Grin

Cheers Helen thank you and HNY Wine

Seabright · 31/12/2011 23:53

What about trying MySingleFriend.com? Your new MN friend could put you on there (you need to be put on by a friend - clue in the name)

FrigidHare · 01/01/2012 01:21

Agree with perfumed life. You just never can tell on here. I think everyone is outgoing, doing stuff all the time and I'm the only one in my boat. Best wishes to you Fabby, although I never noticed any bad stuff from you.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 01/01/2012 06:51

as i read it you're not bipolar as someone upthread said but have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder right?

do you have issues with empathy - like really understanding what might be going on in someone else's feelings/thoughts etc? i would have thought that getting help with that would be a good first step in building social skills and relationships.

also i don't know if you've looked at the Human Givens theory and approach. it says that we all have 'needs' and identifies them and that we all have innate 'resources' which are there to get us to be able to meet those needs. if we don't have those needs fulfilled we suffer. in order to help someone get their needs fulfilled sometimes it means looking at what is missing in their resources - now there can be organic reasons for missing resources such as brain damage, or they may not have been learnt in childhood (in which case they can be skillfully taught/learnt later) or there may have been trauma which has damaged the person in some way. a skilled HG therapist would be able to do an inventory with you and look at what needs are missing and why and what resources need building up to be able to meet those needs.

even reading the lists might help you pinpoint some stuff.

if you're interested let me know and i'll dig out links.